Chapter 26
26
Fleur
“How are you feeling today?”
I shifted on the couch, tearing my attention away from the window and the snow falling on the ground, to the elderly woman sitting at the desk across from me.
I’d been home for three weeks now, and this was my sixth therapy appointment. In the beginning it had been awkward, but I was surprised at how easy it had become to talk to her. She was quiet for the most part, occasionally asking me questions about how I was doing. She let me lead the conversations, and little by little, I’d started opening up to her.
“I’m doing well. It gets a bit easier each day. The pain is always there. I think I’ll always feel it, always think about the baby, but now I feel like I can live with it whereas before I felt like it was killing me.”
She nodded. “You’re dealing with it. And the guilt?”
I didn’t know how to explain it, but I’d lived with the pain for so long, through all my stupid decisions, that I think it had become a part of me. And on some level I’d thought I deserved what happened. That my parents were right.
That was the hardest part: learning to forgive myself.
Or more importantly, perhaps, learning that there was nothing to forgive.
“I understand now. Maybe I held on to it for so long because it was all I had. But I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I don’t want to screw up the good things I have in my life.”
My friends. Max. My future.
“I’m taking it a day at a time, but I feel better. I feel like I can breathe.”
She smiled. “Good. The holidays can be difficult. Do you have plans with your family?”
“I’m spending Christmas with my cousin and his girlfriend—my best friends.”
“Wonderful. And your parents?”
We’d already talked about how I wasn’t close to them, so I knew she wouldn’t be surprised by my answer.
“They decided to go to St. Barts. I didn’t feel like it, so I stayed behind.”
“With the holidays, this will be our last formal session before you go back to London, but I want you to know that I’m happy to counsel you over the phone if you’d like. Or if you’d prefer, I can help find someone for you to speak with in London.”
“Thank you. Maybe we could try the phone consultations and see how that goes?”
She smiled. “I think that would be an excellent plan.”
I nodded.
In the beginning, I’d been skeptical about how this would work, but it was helping. The pain was still there, but she’d taught me how to handle it better. I no longer felt like my emotions were out of control, but instead like I had a chance at learning how to deal with this.
I felt hope.
“Do you feel ready to go back to London? You must be excited to get back to your friends and your young man.”
God, I missed Max. I thought about him constantly, even though we talked every day. Things would happen and I’d find myself wanting to tell him. Sometimes it would be the middle of the night with the time difference, and I’d have to wait to get a chance to talk to him. He was the best part of my day.
“I am.”
We talked for a bit longer about things I could do when I started to feel depressed or stressed. Coping mechanisms.
She glanced up at the clock. “Well, I’m afraid our session is almost over.”
I nodded. “Thank you so much for everything.”
“It was my pleasure, Fleur. Really. I’m so proud of how far you’ve come. You’re a very strong young woman, and you’ve made so much progress in the short time we’ve worked together.”
“Thank you.”
She smiled at me. “And I hope you have a wonderful Christmas.”
“You, too.”
I curled up in bed, flipping through the TV channels, looking for something to watch.
It was Christmas Eve and every station seemed to be playing a holiday movie. I wasn’t a holiday person. Even when I was younger, the holidays hadn’t been great. My parents were rarely in the same place, so I could probably count on one hand the number of Christmases we’d spent together.
I was used to being on my own. Last year I’d gotten drunk and spent all day reading fashion magazines, judging celebrity outfit choices. This year Maggie had thrown herself into planning a traditional Christmas for Samir and me. I think she was a little horrified at our festive indifference.
Tonight they’d gone out to listen to carolers, and I’d put my foot down. The fact that she’d forced Samir, and the image of him listening to a bunch of carolers, was too bizarre for words.
I’d gone along with the giant tree in the entryway and agreed to help her cook. I’d gone shopping—not exactly a hardship—and wrapped gifts, and we were all going to church at Notre Dame tomorrow. But no carolers. I had to draw the line somewhere.
My phone went off and I grabbed it, expecting a text from Max.
Maggie’s name flashed instead.
We’re going out for crepes. Come join us.
I groaned. It was snowing outside, not heavily, but still. Crepes were good, but I wasn’t sure they were worth ruining my hair over.
No.
My phone pinged a minute later.
Yes.
God, she could be stubborn when she wanted to be.
It’s freezing out.
Throw on a coat , she replied.
It was almost 9 p.m., and maybe I was getting old, but the last thing I wanted to do was trudge out in the snow for a fucking crepe.
My phone pinged again.
Come on, it’s Christmas Eve. We let you out of caroling, but we’re supposed to be spending the holiday together.
My phone pinged again.
Samir says you owe him for Thanksgiving.
Way to guilt trip. He had been good about coming over for Thanksgiving dinner even though he’d totally thought I was ridiculous when I’d invited him. I groaned, burrowing farther under the covers. Yeah, there was no way I was getting out of this.
Fine. Where are you?
She texted me the location and I groaned. My cousin was turning into such a sap. They had a thing about this crepe stand by the Eiffel Tower since they’d gone there when they were falling for each other Maggie’s freshman year. The crepes were good, but it was literally the most touristy part of the city.
The worst part about spending the holiday away from the guy you loved and instead with a couple who couldn’t keep their hands off each other, was that it was tough to not feel like the third wheel. Even when that couple happened to be comprised of your best friends. I had zero desire to be around a bunch of couples taking pictures of themselves kissing in front of the Eiffel Tower on Christmas Eve.
The things I did for my friends.
I trudged over to the Eiffel Tower, muttering curse words under my breath. The streets were full of people, and I was suddenly longing for last year when I’d spent my holiday judging ugly dresses and drinking a bottle of Cristal.
I found them in front of the crepe stand, Maggie’s cheeks pink, Samir’s arms wrapped around her. Snow was falling, sprinkled through her hair, a flake settling on her nose. It was really fucking cold.
“I’m here,” I announced crossly.
Samir grinned. “Happy Christmas Eve to you, too.”
I flipped him off.
His grin deepened. “Someone’s in a bad mood.”
I groaned. “Did you drag me here to torture me, or are you going to feed me?”
“What do you want?”
“Chocolat.”
He nodded and ordered for me while I waited with Maggie.
I sighed. “Sorry. Maybe you guys should just do your own thing. Have a nice romantic Christmas without me ruining it.”
“You aren’t ruining it.”
“I am. I’m not a big holiday person, and I miss Max. I wouldn’t want to be around me tonight, either. You guys go off on your own. Seriously. I really appreciate you wanting to make this Christmas special for me, but I’m just not in the mood.”
I expected her to agree with me, but instead she just smiled. “Eat your crepe.”
Samir came over to me and handed me the chocolate crepe and a hot chocolate. “This will warm you up.”
My eyes narrowed. “Are you guys trying to boss me around now?”
Maggie laughed. “Yes. Wonder who we learned that from?”
“I’m not bossy,” I muttered. I took a bite of the crepe. Fine, it was kind of amazing. I practically devoured it.
“Okay, we’ve had crepes. Can we go back to the flat now? We can even watch a Christmas movie if you want.”
Was it my imagination or did a look of pain cross Samir’s face? I grinned. I guessed he’d hit his limit after the caroling.
Maggie shook her head. “I want to watch the Eiffel Tower sparkle. It’s almost time. Then we can go.”
Samir just stood there, a smile on his face.
My eyes narrowed. This was not the Maggie I knew. Maggie was always easygoing. Now she sounded...well, like me.
“We’re standing here, waiting for the Eiffel Tower to sparkle?” I looked at Samir for help.
He just stared back at me with that same knowing smile.
Maggie nodded.
I stuffed my hands into my pockets, struggling to ward off the cold, the snow beginning to fall heavier now.
And then I heard it...the sound of “La Vie en Rose” playing nearby. I closed my eyes, remembering that night on the boat, how Max had been so romantic and sweet with me. And how it had given me the courage to tell him I loved him.
I missed him so much it hurt.
I opened my eyes, ready to make some excuse so I didn’t have to stand here, having this romantic moment completely by myself. I turned away from the Eiffel Tower, shining in the dark Paris sky, trying to block the song out, when Maggie hugged me.
“We didn’t know what to get you for Christmas, but we knew we wanted it to be special. It was hard to know what to get the girl who has everything,” she teased, “so I figured we’d just get you the thing you wanted most.”
I pulled back, staring down at her, confusion filling me.
“What?”
Samir leaned over, kissing my cheek. “Turn around.”
Awareness slowly dawned as I turned, my body in shock, everything around me feeling like it was in slow motion.
The song burst through first, taking me back to the night on the Bateaux Mouche, and then it registered that the Eiffel Tower was indeed sparkling as Maggie had described it, the lights twinkling like a giant Christmas tree in the night sky, snow falling around us. And then I looked—really looked—and saw the beauty around me, breathed in the magic of the moment.
Because I saw him, the shape of a boy walking toward me— Max —and then I was in his arms, and my lips were on his, and the rest of the world disappeared, the faint sounds of my friends cheering, and “La Vie en Rose” playing, lingering in the background.
And just like that, I finally got my happy ending.