Chapter 10 #2
And I couldn’t lie to him. Even though I wanted to brush away his words, the sincerity in his eyes, his face, made it impossible.
‘Yeah.’ I looked down at my hands as he took them in his, bringing them to his lips to kiss. And that made me smile.
The waiter arrived with our goat’s cheese salads and set them in front of us. ‘Bon appétit.’
‘Merci,’ we both said, and the conversation shifted to lighter topics.
Places in Biarritz that Felix wanted to show me, snippets of our lives flowing so easily it was like we’d known each other forever.
Then, over our main course, Felix mentioned that he was going to study literature at university but had deferred his place.
‘How come you want to stay here?’ I asked, interested.
‘My mother. I just wanted to be close to home for a while,’ he said, and my eyes followed his hand to his hair, pushing it back, watching it fall back into place in thick waves.
‘Is she sick?’ I asked. I hoped he didn’t think I was being rude. Since Rue was born, hospitals had just become an integral part of my life, and I was comfortable talking about illness and disability. But I guess that didn’t apply to everyone.
‘Ah non,’ he said, then hesitated. ‘I am sorry if I made it sound that way. And sometimes I think it is me? I worry that she will be sad if I leave.’ He turned his head like he was embarrassed, then found my eyes again. ‘It is not very sexy.’
‘I think it’s really sweet,’ I replied. I reached for his hand this time, and he watched as I stroked the back of it with my thumb.
‘Sweet.’ He laughed. ‘Tell me more about your family.’ He picked up a piece of baguette and ate some.
‘Em, both my parents are teachers, so that’s pretty boring.
Rue and Wren are super close to each other …
’ I hesitated, trying to think of what to say next, and then it just came out.
Easily, like he had some secret key to the box of my innermost thoughts.
‘I guess sometimes it feels like we all orbit around Rue. And it’s not her fault.
She has cerebral palsy. It’s mild, but it kind of shapes everything, if that makes any sense.
’ I shocked myself. Saying that out loud felt wrong.
Like I resented her or something. And I didn’t. It was just the truth.
Felix nodded in understanding. ‘And what shapes you, Margot?’
I loved the way he said my name. ‘I used to swim. Competitively, I mean,’ I said, and as I did, a lump appeared in my throat.
‘Not any more?’ he asked, and I shook my head. ‘Do you miss it?’
I looked at my plate as a waiter took it away, surprised by the sudden swell of sadness in my chest. ‘I do. Sometimes.’
The waiter brought dessert at the perfect time, and I was grateful for the chance to change subject. ‘Dessert is my favourite.’ I grinned.
‘Me too.’ Felix returned my smile, and we ate in silence. Hot sweet cherries and cherry coulis. The perfect conversation distraction.
‘Do you trust me to take you somewhere as a surprise?’ Felix asked after we’d finished and were walking back to the Vespa.
I scrunched up my face in faux uncertainty. ‘Where?’
He tugged my hand and pulled me close to him. ‘I cannot say, or it will not be a surprise.’ And we were so close then. Standing on the cobbled street in the evening sun. My heart was in my throat, and I thought he might kiss me. And I knew then that I would let him.
‘Please?’ I whispered.
‘No,’ he said, smirking, as the anticipation of a kiss passed. Not in a bad way, but it was like the moment had settled into the air around us, becoming something else. Something safe and familiar. He reached over for my helmet and handed it to me.
We drove for about thirty minutes, through more towns, more vineyards, then Felix turned up a bumpy lane and kept riding.
I held on tighter, digging my hands into his skin, hoping I wasn’t hurting him.
He drove higher and higher, up into the hills, and eventually, we stopped.
We were completely alone. Felix pulled off his helmet and hung it on the handle.
‘We have to walk a little bit, is that OK?’ he asked. He held out his hand and I took it, nodding in agreement.
‘Close your eyes,’ he said.
‘This sounds like the start of a horror movie,’ I said, laughing, then regretted my joke.
Because it didn’t feel like that at all and I’d hate him to think that it did.
There was just something about his way that made everything feel safe.
The way he reached for my hand, how he found my eyes and listened to every single word I said as if each sentence held some kind of revelation.
So I let him lead me up a hill, the evening air still warm on our skin. Then we stopped. He spun me round and stood behind me. I leaned on him and felt the beat of his heart. Steady. Sure.
‘OK, you can open.’
It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Fields of yellow that glowed golden in the low light.
‘Sunflowers,’ I whispered. Thousands and thousands of sunflowers everywhere. ‘It’s so beautiful,’ I said. I moved my head to look up at him, and he was just staring out at the endless fields.
I turned to face him.
‘Les tournesols,’ he said. I wanted to close my eyes every time he spoke French, just so I could savour it.
‘What?’ I cocked my head, confused.
‘Come.’ Felix took my hand and he led me into the closest field, so we were surrounded by sunflowers, taller than us both.
‘Les tournesols, that is what they’re called. Because they turn towards the sun. Tourne. Sol.’ He reached up and snapped one off, handing it to me.
‘Les tournesols,’ I whispered, stroking the narrow petals. ‘That’s beautiful.’
‘You are beautiful,’ he replied, not missing a beat.
And I really looked at him then. He appeared younger close up, the wide mouth and how his brown eyes seemed lighter in the golden glow.
‘Merci,’ I said, too happy to be embarrassed by his compliment.
His fair hair was so thick and wavy and just asked to be touched.
So I reached up and pushed it away from his forehead, before kissing him right there in the sunflower field, with the sun golden and low in the sky.
The kiss was slow, and uncertain, a contrast to Theo’s confident kisses.
Theo, who took them whenever he wanted. Which is why I wasn’t expecting for Felix to pull away, only slightly, and look into my eyes like he was making sure it was what I wanted, even though it had been me who kissed him.
And it was as if he could tell just by looking at me, because he was kissing me again.
‘You like the surprise?’ he asked, smiling.
‘I love it,’ I said. ‘Do you come here a lot?’ I rubbed a sunflower petal between my fingers.
‘I come here when I want to forget dark things,’ he said with a sigh. ‘I try to be like the sunflowers. Turn towards the light.’
‘Dark things?’ I asked, startled by the sadness in his tone. I turned to look at him and his expression matched his words.
‘Ouais, like when you miss someone.’ He shrugged and pushed a sunflower out of his way. ‘You know, “I miss you” in French is Tu me manques. It means “You are missing from me”, like you are part of the same thing. The same entity.’ He looked through the field again, lost in thought.
‘I like that,’ I said, then added, ‘for the right person,’ when an image of Theo flashed in my mind before it disintegrated just as quickly.
‘Exactement,’ Felix smiled. ‘The right person.’
‘Who is missing from you?’ I asked.
He looked at his watch. ‘Maybe I should take you home now,’ he said, ignoring my question entirely.