Chapter 17
We walked through the narrow streets hand in hand, and it felt like we were proper grown-ups. Like we’d come on our own holiday and were exploring the town. I took so many photos. Usually I’d put them straight on Insta, but I was still trying not to look at it after seeing Theo’s post.
Felix led me down a side street and I almost tripped on the cobblestones, but he pulled me up and pushed my hair behind my ear as I laughed.
‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘Sometimes the best restaurants are in these hidden streets,’ he explained.
‘You mean away from all the tourists?’ I pretended to be offended, hoping he’d say something sweet, and hating the fact that Delphine’s words from the start of the holiday had really got under my skin.
‘Yes.’ Felix smiled. ‘I want to show you the real France, not just what the tourists see.’ And then he kissed me, taking all of my doubts away.
We ambled up the almost empty street looking for a restaurant when Felix stopped suddenly. A song filled the air. He had let go of my hand and had just frozen, right there in the road, looking at a man playing what looked like some kind of flute up the street.
‘Felix, are you OK?’ I asked, even though he clearly wasn’t.
‘The txistu,’ he whispered. Not to me. It was like he was in a trance. I took his hand again, but he didn’t respond. It was heavy, lifeless.
‘I need to … can we …?’ Felix turned to me with panic in his eyes and this time he did take my hand, pulling me back down the street the same way we’d come, back down towards the harbour, where he found a bench to sit on.
We sat and Felix bent over his knees, putting his head in his hands.
And I didn’t ask what was wrong again, I just put my hand on his back and waited for his breath to calm and his heart to stop racing.
Finally, he sat up and just stared out at the harbour.
‘Sorry, Margot.’ Felix shook his head but still looked out at the boats. I put my hand on top of his.
‘Don’t apologize,’ I said gently. I knew what it felt like. Like there was no air, like your chest was tight and sore and ready to explode, like you might die. That day at the swimming pool. I’d felt it too.
‘I just …’ Felix hesitated, and I could tell how painful he was finding whatever it was, so I stopped him.
‘You don’t have to explain if you don’t want to. We can just sit here if you want?’ I offered.
I squeezed his hand, and he squeezed mine back, then looked at me with what I swear were tears in his eyes.
‘You know, there’s this song,’ I said, taking a breath, because it still hurt to think about it – how she couldn’t breathe. ‘This Irish folk song. “The Irish Rover”. And Rue loved it because in the version she’d heard, there were bad words.’
I glanced at Felix and watched him attempt a smile, breathing heavily, so I continued.
‘So anyway. She got pneumonia. With Rue’s cerebral palsy she’s more prone to respiratory infections.
And this time was really bad. So when she was stable, I got on her bed beside her and played the song over and over again, holding her little hand, and it probably didn’t help at all, but I knew it made her happy.
And now? I can’t listen to the song any more, it brings back memories of how scared she was, and just how unfair it all was.
’ I was shocked by the tears that filled my eyes now, just by talking about it, but I forced them away.
I was just trying to let him know that I understood.
‘Will she get better?’ Felix asked, more normally now, like he’d come back to life.
‘She’ll always have cerebral palsy, but she’s having this operation in September that will hopefully make things a bit easier for her.
’ I shook my head. ‘She has these injections all the time, and they used to bother her. But now? She just lets them inject her without even saying anything. She’s incredible.
’ I inhaled the salty air and turned to Felix.
‘Music can make us feel too much sometimes. Too many memories.’ He brushed hair away from my cheek. ‘I promise I will explain what just happened. But the words are not here right now.’
‘Felix. It’s OK. I understand,’ I whispered. ‘I’ve felt like this too. Last year I had a panic attack at a swimming competition.’
I looked at my lap as I let the memory in. Felix reached for my hand as I continued. ‘It just came out of nowhere, like I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, it was horrible. And I let so many people down.’ I shook my head and blinked back tears.
I felt his hand under my chin, raising it gently to look at him.
‘I am sorry you have felt this way too,’ he said.
I leaned into his palm, which was now on my cheek, and gazed into the comfort of his eyes.
And then he kissed me, slow and gentle, his hand on my jaw and my hand at the nape of his neck, twisting my fingers in his hair.
‘I know a good place to get pizza. Just over there.’ Felix pointed.
‘With all the tourists?’ I asked. Shocked.
Felix rolled his eyes and smirked. ‘As long as my favourite tourist is there to protect me.’
I stood up and offered him my hand. He took it and we ate pizza in a beautiful little pizzeria looking out over the harbour, surrounded by Americans.
After lunch we walked around the town and Felix bought me a bracelet. It reminded me of the friendship bracelets that me and Priya used to give each other in primary school. This one was blue and black thread twisted together. I loved it. And it only made me want to go to more tourist shops.
For the next couple of hours, I followed Felix around the lesser-known parts of Saint-Jean-de-Luz like I was trying to keep up with a tour guide.
But I loved it, soaking it all in. And of course we stopped for ice cream.
La glace. The shop had about a million different flavours.
Felix made me order by myself to help my French, and I was so proud when I managed to tell the guy behind the counter exactly what I wanted.
‘I am impressed,’ Felix said outside. I even ordered his for him too.
‘You owe me some for that.’ I reached over and managed to lick his ice cream before he pulled it away.
And then we kissed in the street, ice-cream-cold tongues colliding, happiness radiating from our sun-kissed skin.
We had savoury crêpes at the side of the street. Then more kissing.
The streets were illuminated by the golden glow of the sun when Felix asked if I wanted to see his house.
At that moment, I couldn’t have thought of anything more perfect. There was something so calming about being with Felix, like I knew he would never do anything to hurt me.
We got back on the Vespa and rode past vineyards and fields of sunflowers for about twenty minutes before Felix turned to our right and drove up a long, dusty pathway.
At the end of the road there was a house. The cutest thing I’d ever seen – white stone, blue shutters, with vines growing up the walls.
I climbed off the Vespa and removed my helmet.
‘This is beautiful,’ I said, taking it all in. The house backed on to endless trees, and there was a ripped football net in one corner of the little front garden. And it reminded me to tell Rue that Lexie had replied about the disability team. I said I’d give her a call about it when I got home.
‘I thought I would show you where I grew up.’
‘It’s so French!’ I laughed, and that made him laugh too.
I followed him inside. Into the kitchen that was painted white with dark wooden beams on the ceiling, and pots and pans hanging from hooks on every wall space.
‘My mother. She likes to cook,’ Felix said when he saw me looking at all the utensils.
‘Do you want to see my room?’
I nodded, following him.
I had no idea what his room would be like, but when he led me into the first room on the left down the little hall, it just made sense.
Floor-to-ceiling stacked bookshelves filled one wall.
Against another was a narrow bed with plain blue sheets and white pillows.
Against a third, a desk, nestled underneath shuttered windows, and walls covered with posters of French movies and bands I’d never heard of.
I walked over to the desk and pushed the shutter open gently, letting a streak of light into the dark room.
‘Not too much, you will let the heat in.’ Felix pulled the shutter back a bit then sat on the desk in front of me. I stood between his legs and looked into his eyes.
‘Thank you for earlier. For telling me your story about your sister, and when you felt the same.’ Felix looked so sad that I thought about asking if he wanted to talk about what had happened to him earlier, but I didn’t want to ruin the moment.
The sound of the breeze outside, the creak of the shutters, the old smell of the books on the shelves, the coconut suncream on my skin. Just being there. Together.
‘Of course,’ I whispered, then leaned in and kissed him. Gently. But I let my lips linger on his, pressing them harder against him to let him know what I really wanted.
And I didn’t need to explain myself, because he reached for my T-shirt and pulled it gently over my head. I reached for his hand and pulled him towards the bed, where I lay down.
He just looked at me for a second. And I wasn’t embarrassed. Like I used to be when it was Theo. Like I was always doing the wrong thing and making everything awkward. Felix made me feel beautiful and it was like there would be nothing I could do that was wrong.
I watched him take off his shirt. And his trousers. Tanned skin and muscles that I was desperate to touch. I mirrored him, taking off my shorts and lay there on the bed.
‘You are sure?’ he asked, lying on top of me and taking his weight on his elbows. I stroked his biceps gently and looked into his eyes.
‘I’m sure,’ I said. Then I pulled him closer, his mouth was on mine again, and as we kissed, I could feel him grow hard against me. He reached for a condom, and I smiled as I watched him struggle with it before I took off my underwear.