Chapter 20
I walked home with the girls, still buzzing from their lesson, and left them to tell Mum and Dad all about it.
‘I’m just going back out for a bit. See you later,’ I called, and took off again in the direction of the beach before they could ask me any questions.
I turned to look at them as I walked away, but I needn’t have worried.
Mum and Dad were immersed in whatever Rue was telling them, and I was too distracted to be sad or jealous.
Nervous energy fizzed in my stomach, electric butterflies colliding with each other again.
The feeling sat low in my abdomen and I put my hand there to try to calm it.
The butterflies turned to guilt as I passed the Brasserie.
I did my best to keep out of sight, wondering if Felix had thought about me today at all.
All I’d said in reply to his text about needing time before telling me about Gabriel was ‘OK’.
And it had made sense at the time. I’d been so frustrated, so confused.
And now I wasn’t sure, in the clear light of day, if it had been a bit cold.
He hadn’t replied. But there was nothing to say.
So I just kept my head down and walked faster. To the beach.
Antoine was waiting by the hut when I got there. I watched him check the locks and say something to Sébastian, who waved at me when he saw me coming.
‘Let’s go, Princesse,’ said Antoine. I’d weirdly grown to like the nickname. Even though it was stupid … he’d come up with it just for me.
Antoine picked up both our surfboards and I followed him down the beach and out on to a secluded path, where a van was parked.
‘Where are we going?’ I asked.
‘I want to show you real surfing. Not the tourist stuff. You are good.’ Antoine fixed the boards to the roof then opened the door for me.
My chest swelled with pride before I was hit with the smell of salt and oil, with a hint of board wax.
The latter a smell I’d come to know well after the half-hour demonstration from Antoine on how to wax a board properly.
There were shells on strings hanging from the mirror and the van rattled as Antoine started the engine.
He drove with the confidence of someone who’d been doing it for years.
He put his hand on my head rest and turned the van, spinning the wheel round, and I caught a glimpse of a tattoo I hadn’t seen before.
A wave, which emerged from under the Lycra sleeve that clung to the inside of his bicep.
A wave that shattered into little pieces of glass.
And there was something written underneath it, but the word pour was all I could see. ‘For’. For what?
He spotted me looking at it.
‘Your tattoos. Did they hurt?’ I asked.
He inhaled. ‘Everything hurts if it means something.’
Something caught in my throat when he said it. His tone was serious, sad, and reflexively I wanted to ask what it meant, but before I got the chance, he turned on the radio and we didn’t speak again until we got to our destination.
When he stopped the car and opened the door, all I could say was ‘Wow.’
He’d parked beside a rocky headland. And the view was mesmerizing. It was like I could see the whole ocean. The strength of the salted air threatened to make me stumble as I walked closer to the edge. I just stood there, gazing out at the beauty of it all.
When I turned to walk back to Antoine I almost lost my footing, but he was already there to grab my hand.
‘Never stand too close to the cliff.’ He tugged me gently away and nodded his head towards a little path.
Antoine carried the boards, and I followed him down to a little cove, where the waves were bigger and more powerful than anything I’d seen before.
The nerves were back. And not the good kind that warmed my stomach, but the kind that made me nauseous.
The ones that had haunted me for the last few months of swimming.
‘We’re going in there?’ I asked, my voice filled with fear.
‘Not yet. Come.’
I followed Antoine on to some rocks, and we sat down, so close that his leg leaned warm and heavy against mine.
‘Watch first. Read the waves.’ Antoine pointed to the water, to the waves that crashed over each other in wild peaks.
‘Do you see the third wave in each set? That is where it is magic. But it is also where people get hurt if they are not ready.’
‘Do you think I’m ready?’ I squinted up at him in the sun. But he kept looking at the water.
‘I think that you could be.’
‘Delphine mentioned La Vague d’Or,’ I said, testing his reaction.
He made a disapproving noise with his exhale. ‘Competitions make surfing about winning instead of just understanding the water. The beauty. The strength. The danger.’
‘But can’t it be all of that? And winning too?’ I asked. Before he could answer, I continued. ‘I used to compete. In swimming. I know what it’s like to lose the joy in something because of all the pressure, and to regret walking away … but I also know how good it feels to win.’
‘Why did you quit?’ he asked, his eyes on me, not the water this time.
‘I don’t know. I guess I let it get bigger than me.
I forgot about the love of the water, and I let everything else get in the way.
Pressure. Family. Rue. I don’t know, maybe it felt like I was taking up too much time when she needed my parents.
Maybe I just got scared of failing.’ I shrugged in the warm breeze. ‘I don’t really know.’
Antoine inhaled, gazing at the water again.
‘Do you miss it?’
‘Yes.’
‘Everyone who loves the water must decide if fear or love is stronger. Come on, let us see what you choose.’ Antoine stood up and took my hand.
He helped me off the rocks and we picked up our boards.
Everything felt different in the water here. The waves were so much bigger. More powerful. I let Antoine guide me into position and listened to every single word he said.
‘Feel that pull? Do you feel it, Margot?’ Antoine was right beside me, his hand on my board, steadying it. His fingers brushed the top of my thigh. And I felt that too.
‘I feel it.’
‘Then use it,’ he said, and pushed my board.
I paddled hard. Standing up was trickier than it had been before.
But when I did, it was like magic. The water felt like it was alive, like it was a lion I was taming.
The ride was cleaner, longer, and a thrill surged through my veins like nothing I’d ever felt.
And when I paddled back out towards Antoine, he smiled.
‘Good. Now try one without my help.’
Good. I repeated it in my head. Every compliment, every piece of encouragement from Antoine made me desperte for more. So I pushed myself even harder the next time, drunk on the look on his face when I did better than he expected.
Afterwards we sat on the rocks again, our bodies soaked and muscles aching. ‘Do you bring all your students here?’ I asked.
Antoine shook his head.
‘Why me?’
‘You remind me of why I started surfing,’ he said simply.
‘And why is that?’ I asked, nudging him.
‘I have seen the look on your face after the wave. You light up.’ He stared at the sea.
‘You don’t any more?’
‘Not like that.’ He smiled sadly. He stood up and offered his hand to pull me up. I took it.
‘Can we come back tomorrow?’ I asked.
‘Your lesson is on the main beach.’ He lifted the boards and we walked towards the van. He handed me a towel and a bottle of water, which I took gratefully.
‘You did well today,’ he said, and started the engine.
His words sent a tingling heat through me.
‘Thanks,’ I said, watching how his muscles flexed as he changed gears. ‘The waves are different here.’
‘They are. They are more honest. Less forgiving, but everything makes more sense here,’ he said. And when he spoke, he found my eyes and held my gaze before turning back to watch the road, as heat rose in my cheeks.
On the way home, the silence was charged. Not awkward, not uncomfortable, but like the air just before a storm.
‘Same time tomorrow?’ Antoine asked as he pulled into the campsite to drop me off.
‘I’d like that,’ I said, ignoring the storm warning completely.