32. I Overthink It
32
I Overthink It
ANDREW
Oliver: How’s your mom today?
Me: Still in ICU. I’m allowed to see her once an hour, but she’s kind of out of it
Oliver: Would I be in the way if I came by?
Me: PLEASE COME
I didn’t realize how hungry I was until Oliver walked into our waiting room with a huge, greasy sack and my stomach rumbled.
He set the sack on the coffee table. “How’re you holding up?”
“Okay, I guess.” I shrugged.
“No.” He put a hand on my shoulder. “How are you really?”
I hung my head. “Not great. They say Mother’s recovering as well as we can expect, but she’s always sleeping when it’s my turn to go in. All this waiting’s giving me too much time to think.”
“You do tend to overthink. Here, have a burger.” He reached into the sack and pulled out a paper-wrapped hamburger.
I unwrapped it and bit into the greasy goodness. “How did you know exactly what I needed?” I mumbled around the food.
“Easy. It’s what you brought me after Simon died. When I forgot to eat.” He took a much more moderate bite of his burger.
“Right.” I wasn’t nearly as bad as Oliver had been when his business partner died. Was I?
“Where’s your family?” he asked.
“Charles doesn’t leave Mother’s room. The rest of us take turns. Jackson’s with her now, and the girls went home to shower and rest for a while.”
“And…Carly?”
I shook my head. “We’re done.”
“How?” He set down his burger. “Why?”
The bite I’d taken lost its flavor, but I gulped it down. “We had a fight. I said I needed her, and she said I was too demanding.”
That wasn’t all of it, but it was all I’d admit. I’d been too needy, too raw. Winnie had said my problem was that I didn’t let people in. But when I’d opened up to Carly, she’d walked out. Winnie might be more emotionally mature than I was, but this time, she’d gotten it wrong. “She—” I cleared my throat. “She doesn’t want someone like me.”
“Why wouldn’t she want someone like you?” he asked. “You’re awesome. So you had a low moment. People who care about each other are supposed to support each other when they’re sad and worried.”
“She said she’s kind of over that. She said she was done being the supporting partner. She compared me to her ex.”
“You’re nothing like that douche.”
“He’s a ballsy and successful douche.”
“You’re ballsy and successful too. You’re on track for that VP position.”
I shook my head. “I got it. But I’m not sure I want it. Carly didn’t understand that either.” Why had I deluded myself into thinking someone as successful as Carly would want someone like me? I should’ve known I’d never measure up. I should’ve never tried for more than a fake-dating fling with her. I should’ve left first, like I usually did.
“Wait. You don’t want the promotion?”
“Vic said we have to nuke the channel.”
“Fuck him.”
“He’s serious. He wants me not only to stop making videos but to take the whole thing down. And I realized…” I swallowed. “I realized I love making the videos, and I hate working for Vic.”
“Well, duh. There’s a reason we call him Vic the Prick.”
“We don’t call him that.”
He rolled his eyes. “Everyone but you calls him that.”
“So, I’m going to…turn down the promotion?” I tried out the terrifying words. What would my family think?
“Didn’t you say he messaged everyone about decorum? Do you really think he’ll let you keep doing the videos even in your old job?”
My stomach sank. “Probably not. Shit. I guess I need to find a new job.” Maybe in a few weeks, once Mother was home from the hospital, then it wouldn’t seem so overwhelming.
“Or…” Oliver waggled his eyebrows.
“Or?”
“Or you could quit and work on the channel full time.” He took an aggressive bite of his burger and chewed, watching me.
“I can’t do that,” I scoffed. “People don’t actually do YouTube full time.”
“Don’t they?” He picked up his phone, tapped at it, and showed me the screen of top-earning YouTubers. The numbers were astounding. “I’m not saying we’ll earn that this year, but I think if we posted more often, we could continue our charitable donations at the same level and pay your mortgage.”
“Have you been planning this?”
“Ever since that Pythagorean theorem video hit a million views. Seems like our nation’s kids are looking for better ways to learn math.”
I still had that school superintendent’s card in my wallet. “I may have also talked to someone who wants a school program.”
His eyes widened. “You could earn a good living that way too. Not that you need it, trust-funder.”
“You’re rich too, asshole,” I mumbled. “This won’t go over well with my family. We’re supposed to contribute to society and make the world a better place.”
“Our fan mail says we’re already making the world a better place for kids.”
“I’m not sure my mother would agree.”
“Who’s living your life, you or your mother?”
“I am,” I said reflexively.
“So, you’ll do it?”
I sighed. Carly would never want to be with a full-time YouTuber-slash-school-presenter. But I’d lost my chance with her. And whether I lived another ten or thirty or even fifty years, I wanted to spend it doing what made me happy.
“Yeah.”