Chapter Forty-Seven
forty-seven
Ridley
This was the place Clare-Olive told him Bea would be, but as he stood in front of the enormous glass-and-steel eyesore, Ridley still couldn’t believe it.
Bea had run to Gavin’s. Ridley felt run through. But he’d stayed away as she remained there for three whole days . Why would she come to him?
Gavin seemed to be expecting Ridley by the lack of any impediment to entry from the lobby staff. Not that Ridley would have let that stop him, but as a Black man it was nice not to have to worry about the specter of facing the Metropolitan Police or spending time in front of a magistrate on an assault charge.
“Where is my daughter?” Ridley asked as soon as Gavin opened the door, trying to keep the irritation out of his voice.
“Come inside.”
He did. But only a sliver of decorum prevented Ridley from shouting at the top of his lungs.
The apartment was humongous. Ridley was certain Gavin could have fit the whole first floor of their house in this apartment about three or four times over. He took a moment to look around. Sleek, impersonal and cold...all aesthetics. Just like Gavin. Ridley could already see that he needed to find his daughter and get the hell out of there.
“Where is Bea?”
“In her room. She’s not ready to see you.”
“She does not have a room in this house,” Ridley retorted.
“Yes, she does,” Gavin said with an aggravating calm as he led Ridley through the grand, echoing entryway into an even grander open-concept living room/dining room.
“I did not come here for this, Gavin. Please present my daughter before I do something I’ll regret.” And he would, Ridley could feel that already. He was just so tired of Gavin and his constant intrusions.
“Are you threatening me, Ridley?”
Ridley was stunned by Gavin’s use of his first name.
Of course not . The last thing Ridley wanted was Bea coming out to find two grown men tussling. Plus, realistically, they were a doctor and a med-tech bro. Fisticuffs between them would more than likely just devolve into a slap fight.
Ridley sighed in resignation. So much had already gone wrong in the past few days. He could not add losing Bea to Gavin to that lengthening list. “I just want my daughter and we’ll go. I don’t know why she even came here.”
“Tell me something, Aronsen, why are you giving me such a hard time?”
“A hard time?” Ridley adjusted his glasses in irritation. “Did I swoop in not three months after your wife died and try to take custody of your kid from you too?”
“I acknowledge, I—I could have handled that better.” Gavin raked a hand through his coppery hair. “But I am not trying to be her father. Far be it from me to encroach on your precious territory. I merely want to know her. To be someone, anyone in her life...”
“She doesn’t need anyone else in her life!” Ridley snapped. But as soon as he said it, he knew how juvenile that sounded.
What the hell am I talking about? Of course, Bea needed a village. Like every child did. Why was it so hard for him to allow Gavin a place in Bea’s?
“That is not what Thyra thought.”
A record scratched in Ridley’s mind. “What is it you think you know about what my wife thought?”
Gavin stilled, then sighed. “Wait here.”
Ridley stood at the enormous windows in Gavin’s sterile living room and stared out at the gray sky. Glancing down he saw the HMS Belfast on the Thames far below. He stepped back, swaying with the woozy dizziness of vertigo. He could not understand why Bea had sought refuge from him here.
Here! With Gavin? When did I take my eyes so far off the ball?
Maybe she thought he wouldn’t brave the heights? Didn’t she know it didn’t matter where she went, he’d always show up for her? But even as Ridley wondered this, his mind kept straying back to Lanie and how she looked when he asked her to leave. He hadn’t shown up for her either. Letting her fly back to the States without clearing the air. Leaving her to think she was low on his list of priorities.
Hurt, unbelieving, betrayed.
He’d take it back if he could.
No. He shook his head. I would not. Not if it meant losing Bea in the bargain. But why are those my only options?
“Here,” Gavin said, sneaking up on him, and shoving papers into his hands.
“What the hell?”
It was a folder of signed and notarized documents. Documents to petition the court to relinquish Gavin’s parental responsibility. They were all signed and dated... from seven years ago . None had the official seals of His Majesty’s Courts and Tribunals Service.
“You’ve had these for so many years.” He looked at Gavin. “Why weren’t these filed?”
Gavin bit his lip, looking the most chastened that, in nearly seventeen years of knowing him, Ridley had ever seen. And Ridley knew instantly that whatever Gavin said next would enrage him.
“Thyra asked me not to.”
Ridley put a hand against the cold glass of the window to try to steady himself, but that made things worse. The glass seemed to tip forward under his hand and unbalance him. He could swear his vision went black and when it returned there were spots swirling in his eyes. He squeezed the bridge of his nose and blinked a few times trying to right himself.
Gavin bent to pick up all the papers that lay scattered at his feet. Ridley hadn’t even realized he’d dropped them. “She what?”
Gavin pointed toward his pewter-colored, ultramodern leather sectional and Ridley staggered over, falling onto it. After pulling out a surpisingly well-worn copy of Layla F. Saad’s Me and White Supremacy out from under him, the couch was a bit more comfortable than its boxy shape suggested.
“Listen, Aronsen, based entirely on what I managed to glean, I was simply an insurance policy.”
“An insurance policy?” Ridley’s eyes narrowed. “Against what?”
Based on the dates on the papers, Gavin had filled these out before Thyra had told Ridley she was really sick. To this day, he resented how much of her worsening condition she’d kept hidden from him. Allowing him to continue their day-to-day. Going on as they always had, having petty squabbles and spending days apart. As if their days to spend together, forgive each other and get things right were unlimited. Finding out now that there’d also been these secrets, lies she’d been keeping with Gavin, was too much.
“So, you’re saying she told you not to terminate your parental rights? To complicate things for me? To barge back in and create upheaval in Bea’s life at this critical juncture when she already feels so insecure?” Ridley skewered him with a gaze as lancing as a hot poker. “Thyra told you to do that?”
“Well...” Gavin shifted in the seat he’d assumed opposite Ridley. “Uh. Not precisely.”
“Then make it precise for me, Gavin.”
“I’m guessing that there was a reason she wanted me to retain my rights. I just had no idea what it was. Or that she was so ill. And I had no way of foreseeing how complicated my decision to listen to her would make things.” He was unable to maintain their eye contact, looking down at his hands guiltily. “But when she did die, well, you see, I became concerned.”
“Concerned?”
“That perhaps there was something about your character I was unaware of. So, I sought custody as a means of—”
“Keeping an eye on me?” Ridley guessed. “And that was you ‘not seeing color,’ I bet.”
“That’s wholly uncharitable.” Gavin gathered a breath and held it, looking for a judicious phrasing of his next words. Ridley could see the cogs turning in his brain. “I wanted to see how you were with Bea and how much you wanted to keep her.”
“Keep her?” Ridley exploded, but then reeled his temper back in before he did something rash. “How much I wanted to keep Bea? She is a child, Gavin. Not some pawn in a game of one-upmanship! She just lost her mother and because of you, she’s in danger of losing her father too!”
“I know that’s how it seems, but I had to know that you really wanted her, for Thyra’s sake,” Gavin said, his voice surprisingly contrite. “And I had to know that you were taking care of her, for my own.”
“And this was your solution?” Ridley was incredulous.
“It was the only way I could have gotten access to her to see. Be honest with yourself, Aronsen—had I shown up and just requested visitation with her, would you have consented?”
That question brought Ridley up short for a moment because he knew the answer as well as Gavin did.
“But this way, Gavin? According to my solicitor, no matter how much I fight, you will probably win eventually and I’ll be out of the picture. So, what is this, your ego? I mean, I know you’re ludicrously rich but do you mean to tell me you have enough money and time on your hands to waste in a custody battle you never really wanted to win?”
“You didn’t want me?”
They both spun to see Bea standing in the threshold of the room. Tears streaked her face, before it crumpled completely.
“No, I—” Gavin started as Ridley glared.
If Ridley thought he was angry before, his vision turned entirely red with murderous intent now. When he rose, Gavin did as well, stumbling away impishly before catching himself. Ridley tsked at his cowardice, before rushing to Bea and enveloping her in his arms.
“No, oh no, Bea. I was fully prepared to take you! I bought that house in Colorado specifically with you in mind. Ms. Sandrine and Chef Dorothea, I hired them on to make sure you had a minder and a cook.”
Ridley shook his head, hugging Bea to himself. “A minder? C’mon, Gavin. She’s not four.”
He sputtered hopelessly. “My point was, I was ready, am ready to take you if you want, Love. The custody battle wasn’t for show—I was very worried about you. But seeing you, I know you don’t necessarily need me.”
Ridley canted his head in confusion and Bea peeked out at Gavin from over her father’s locked arms.
“You are always welcome to come to me. You will always have a place in my house. But I saw you with your dad and your grandparents this Christmas. You’re all wonderful together.”
That’s why Gavin didn’t object to Philip and Clare-Olive coming to Colorado with Bea. And that’s why it was his idea to invite Ridley to come too. To observe.
Gavin approached them tentatively and Ridley stayed where he was, allowing Bea to decide what would happen next. When Gavin got close, she turned to him. Staying near Ridley, she addressed Gavin. “So, you don’t want to take me from Dad?”
Gavin shook his head. “No, and it was never my intention to scare you or your dad. I thought I was doing what your mother would have wanted me to do—look out for you.”
Ridley exhaled a breath he hadn’t known he was holding. His shoulders fell. He’d known, deep down, that Thyra had long ago wished for some sort of relationship between Gavin and Bea. Maybe this had been her way, albeit faulty, of inciting one?
“The last thing I wanted to do was interfere in the relationship between you and your dad. Even these past couple of days, I allowed you to stay with me because I want you to know you’re always welcome. Any home I have, anywhere in the world, is your home too. But—” he lifted a finger in the air “—you cannot use my house as an escape anytime you and your dad disagree.”
He winked at Ridley. Ridley snorted against his better judgment at Gavin’s obvious nod to co-parenting.
“Do we understand each other?”
Ridley kissed the top of Bea’s head and she nodded. “Yeah, I guess.”
Ridley had to begrudgingly acknowledge Gavin did well with this small part. His mind strayed to Lanie again, thinking of how much the little girl in her would’ve loved to have heard her own father say something like that.
How much could those words still heal the little girl inside of her that constantly thinks she’s being abandoned?
He nodded to Gavin, thanking him for things he hadn’t even known he’d done.
“I didn’t intend on you finding out this way. In fact, I have a meeting with my solicitors this week to call off the custody proceedings. I figured having the news come through the lawyers would be cleaner, but in light of everything...” Gavin gestured vaguely with his hand. “I think we can work out a more amicable solution, yeah?”
A few minutes later, Bea walked Ridley into her bedroom and he had to hold his breath for a second. Thank God Gavin decided to drop his case for full custody of Bea.
Spacious and decorated in the more muted gray, teal and blush colors favored by a teen, with vivid floral wallpaper covering the ceiling and a chandelier light fixture, the room was nothing short of amazing. It had a queen bed as opposed to the full one she still had at home. There was an abundance of storage space, a walk-in closet, a chest of drawers and a wide bureau where she could lay all her knickknacks. A large television was mounted on the wall with speakers for surround sound. There was a built-in desk and shelving in the corner nearest huge windows with astounding views of the city below. No doubt a decorator had been given very specific instructions to pick things that matched Bea’s sensibilities.
And Ridley couldn’t help but be impressed that Gavin even knew what those were.
“This is where you stay when you have visitation with Gavin?”
Bea nodded, grinning. “Wicked, right?”
Ridley nodded back, feeling an incredible sinking in the pit of his stomach.
“It’s a wonder you come home. I want to move in here with you.” Ridley continued looking around agape.
Bea hopped up on the slightly elevated bed and sank into downy bed linens. “Be serious, Dad. It’s nice but it’s not home.”
Ridley softened. He came and sat beside her. “I love you, my little Bean.”
Bea took a deep, shuddering breath, like the kind she used to take as a kid, when she finally calmed down from a hellacious tantrum. Finally, she broke the silence. “I miss Mum so much.”
Ridley questioned himself. After these most recent revelations, Ridley felt betrayed. Who was this person who’d held so many things that they should have discussed together so tightly to her chest? Why had she been so secretive? Maybe he could say the same thing about himself?
But Lanie wasn’t a secret...or had she been? Shit.
It was perhaps time to look at himself and his marriage more honestly and not through the grief-tinged glasses he’d been wearing for the past three years. The truth was the last years before Thyra’s passing had not been the best. But he truly hadn’t had any clue to the level of dysfunction that had simmered under the surface of their seemingly very placid life.
But, he supposed, that was entirely his own fault.
The very workaholic tendencies that had threatened his custody of Bea hadn’t started after Thyra’s death. In fact, Ridley knew he was lucky Philip and Clare-Olive had decided to partner with him in raising Bea rather than assuming custody themselves. He’d allowed fear of being as impetuous and carefree as his own parents to swing him all the way in the opposite direction. He’d become driven and then brittle. And his insistence on competing with Gavin had turned him into some personification of practical dependability. Someone unadventurous and staid, who was afraid to take risks and was allergic to uncertainty. Someone too busy with work to spend quality time with his family.
It was the truth when he told Lanie he’d turned himself into the person he’d thought Thyra had wanted. And perhaps in those last years, both he and Thyra had begun to resent it.
“I’m sorry, Bean. I know you do.”
Bea leaned into his shoulder. “So...now...” She played with her fingers, picking at her chipped polish. “You love Melanie?”
“I do.” It was scary to say that out loud. “Do you think that diminishes the love I had for your mother? Or you?”
Bea took a cleansing breath. “In Classical Civilizations class, I read about how the oldest pharaohs of the Abydos Dynasty expected their wives to be buried with them. And I didn’t get it. It seemed horrible.”
Ridley coughed, looking down and trying to catch Bea’s eyes. “Maybe I should have let you drop that class when you asked. Being buried with your spouse doesn’t seem horrible anymore?”
Bea shrugged.
“Bea, talk to me. Are you really saying that that sounds reasonable to you now?” Ridley tried to decide whether to be alarmed or not. “That my life should have ended with your mom’s?”
“No.” She dragged the word out with reluctance.
“Remind me to warn your prospective spouse when the time comes.” He laughed.
“It’s just that...” She began to sniffle and soon, Ridley could see fat tears rolling down Bea’s cheeks. “I can’t move on. I can’t go get a new mum. It’s not fair that you can get a new wife.”
Well, what the hell do I say to that?
“While that is true, this is not like a trade-in at the dealership, Bea. No matter what happens between Lanie and me, she will never replace your mother. In your life or mine.”
Ridley couldn’t believe how untroubled he was by the thought of marrying Lanie. But he also acknowledged the simultaneous truth of what he’d just told Bea. He did miss Thyra. He would always miss her, so much. And there was room in him to hold both things as true.
“I loved your mother and I love her still. That will not change.” He hugged Bea to him. “I just love Lanie now too.”
“But you aren’t going to leave me with Nan, Granddad and Gavin to go off and start a new life with Lanie?”
“What?” He laughed, bemused. “Where’d you get that from?”
“Don’t laugh. You promised after Mum died that you would always be honest with me!” She was still upset and more importantly, distrustful. It worried him.
“And I am.” Ridley tightened his embrace of Bea’s upper arms. “Beatrix. Listen to me, now, okay? I do not plan on moving to the United States. And if I was even thinking about it, I would talk with you. That...that’s a decision we would be making together.”
She leaned away to study his face. “Truly?”
“Of course. I realize now I haven’t said this to you in a while, probably not since the day of Mom’s funeral, but Beatrix Olive Baker-Smythe, you are as much my daughter as if I had been in the room on the day you were born. And no person, not Gavin, not any new person I start seeing, not even your mother, God rest her, could ever change that. You will always be my daughter. Where I go, you go. Okay?”
She nodded.
“So, if you keep dating Lanie, can we move to New York?”
It was Ridley’s turn to pull away. “Say what? I thought you just said you were afraid I was going to move to New York?”
“Yeah, you by yourself . I think it would be cool to live there.”
“What about your granddad? What about Nan?”
Bea shrugged, wrinkling her nose. “I mean, they could visit, couldn’t they?”