Chapter Fifty-One
fifty-one
Lanie
Lanie’s heart broke into a million unsalvageable pieces, leaving Ridley sitting in the quad. She understood fully then what the limerence Narcisa spoke about was. “Losing” Jonah had never been as painful as walking away from Ridley. She’d been totally unprepared for that.
Likewise, she was unprepared to find Ridley sitting at her dining room table talking with her mother when she got home.
“What are you doing here?” Lanie asked, stepping fully into her apartment that evening after hesitating at the door in confusion.
“I’m gonna go out,” Ryan said, grabbing her coat and keys. “I’ll be at the coffee shop across the street, if you need me.” With that, Ryan exited.
Lanie turned to Ridley, eyes narrowing. She hated that her rebellious heart raced seeing him there.
“I realized that showing up at your job wasn’t the best way to facilitate a good conversation.”
“Showing up at my house isn’t much better.” Her rejoinder was ice-cold.
“Well, showing up on your train route home would have been more logistically complex than I think even I’m capable of.” His mouth quirked in a way that suggested he was joking with her.
Lanie didn’t laugh, tweaking her ear a little in irritation. “What else is there to say, Ridley? I kinda felt like we reached an impasse. I live here and you live there.”
“Yes, but we love each other, right?”
Lanie didn’t want to say it again. It felt heartrending every time the words left her mouth. She nodded.
“Lanie.” She didn’t think she’d ever heard Ridley sound so plaintive, so far off the sure footing he maintained. “Please say it.”
The uncertainty in his voice, almost shaky, startled her, but she wouldn’t give him comfort at the expense of her own. Those days were done. This was her loving herself first.
“No, because I don’t see what difference that makes,” she said instead.
“It makes all the difference. It means we don’t want to break up, correct?”
“I mean, that would follow.” She slid into a chair across from him.
“Well then, we have to make a plan.”
“How?” She didn’t see how they were going to manage to drag two continents closer together.
“We plan out how we can make this, us, work.” Ridley put his hands on the table but did not reach for hers, just left them flat against the surface as if to illustrate his intention to hash it out, like a negotiation.
“Again, you’ve lost me.”
“Let me back up. I told you about my parents, right? How they did whatever they wanted with little regard for the four young children they had at home? Well, growing up like that, the insecurity of it scared me. So, I promised myself I’d never be that way. Never put my children through that. And I made practicality and dependability my mantra. No surprises, no ambiguity, no instability—needless to say, I was a very boring kid.”
“You like your feet on the ground literally and figuratively, huh?”
“Exactly.”
He grinned and Lanie managed a small smile.
“I craved stability. So, I made a plan for getting into college. And I made a plan for getting out of college. I made a plan for med school. I made a plan for my specialty and then for my career. Right down to where I would practice in Massachusetts.” He sighed heavily. “I never planned to leave. Then I met Thyra and all those plans flew out the window. I left the country. I changed my specialty to help her fight her disease. I became a husband and a father when I could barely afford to feed myself. Basically, I turned my life inside out. And I realized I’d done the exact same thing my parents do. I had let my life kind of spin out of control just because I fell in love.”
“Out of control? Ridley, you know how in-control your life is? You are the most thoughtful, levelheaded and put-together person I’ve ever met.”
“And do you know how much constant energy it requires every single day to try to maintain that? The constant stress of keeping so many balls in the air?” Ridley’s voice cracked.
Lanie was shocked.
“The absolute backbreaking work of it, Lanie?”
She hadn’t thought about that. Ridley always made his life look effortless. Apparently though, the way he held himself, so reserved and uptight, was not him being stern or unforgiving but him literally and figuratively holding himself and his world together. That was heartbreaking.
“When Thyra died all the little cracks that I was constantly spackling over turned into fissures. Then Gavin showed up and the fissures turned into fault lines and then the study started to fall apart and the fault lines became like tectonic plates shifting violently under my feet and all that control I struggled to maintain began to crumble.”
“I’m sorry, but what does this have to do with me?”
“Because at first you felt like another thing in my life that had come out of nowhere and had the potential to upend everything. And you did. But I couldn’t resist getting to know you. From the very beginning I was drawn to you, even when I didn’t want to be.”
“Wow, I sound great. Like a hurricane.”
“No, Lanie. You are wonderful. One of the most amazing things that’s ever happened to me. You’re a light in my life. You became one of the few effortlessly fun parts of my life. Quickly, I began to look forward to the time I got to spend with you. You helped me see that even as everything was happening, it didn’t have to mean my life was falling apart—that I could deal with changes. I watched you handle your grandmother’s illness and your cousin’s marriage with such grace. And even when it was literally turning your life upside down, you still showed up to help the people you love.”
“I assure you, I was falling apart inside too.”
“Even so, watching how you dealt with your changes helped me realize I was capable of making some adjustment too. And that I could choose not to always take myself so seriously. Leave some room in my life for flexibility and unpredictability and falling in love with an amazing woman.”
Lanie rolled her eyes.
“And after you left England, when the idea of you not coming back finally hit me, I had that feeling again.”
“What feeling?”
“The feeling that made me follow Thyra across an ocean. That ‘Oh my God, I can’t let this woman walk out of my life’ feeling. That ‘I cannot let my “plans” stand in the way of my love’ feeling. ’Cuz the thing is, for as impulsive and reckless a decision as it seemed to be all those years ago, I wouldn’t have the life I’ve had if I hadn’t done it. And I really love my life.”
“Won’t being with me disrupt that life?”
He nodded. “But not in a way I’m afraid of anymore. I love you, Lanie. And I’m committed to you and to sorting this out.”
Lanie gasped, covering her face. She’d waited to hear that from someone for so long.
“The fact that I didn’t say that when I first saw you today made you upset, rightfully. And for that I’m sorry,” he whispered, taking her hand. “But I spoke with a couple of people afterward...”
“Bea?”
“Among others.” He nodded. “And they reminded me that all the things I love about my life are ultimately portable.”
Lanie’s eyes widened. “What? What are you saying?”
“Wait. Slow down.” He squeezed her hand. “Not immediately portable. But with some careful—”
“Planning?”
“See, you understand me.”
“I do...” Lanie smiled, slipping out of her seat and coming around to sit on his lap. “Now.”
“I can’t believe I found you.”
“Same here.” Lanie didn’t realize she was crying until she tasted the salt between Ridley’s lips and her own as she moved her mouth over his.