Chapter 25 #2
Seconds tick, but I still don’t move. Don’t breathe. Because I am starved for this answer. I’ve been emaciated for six years, a million scenarios dancing across my ceiling at night. That same desperation claws to the surface, embedding itself in the lump in my throat.
So I wait. I wait for his answer the way I waited for him that night.
When Brandon finally speaks, his voice is strained.
“Because I’m never gonna stop being there for you, Kate. Thought you would have realized that by now.”
Cold slaps me in the cheeks as his hands disappear.
Brandon strides away, and I’m left all alone.
PAST
KATE
I can’t believe Brandon left me all alone.
No, I correct myself. Leaving would have required him to show up to the Lunar New Year parade in the first place.
I scrub my face harder with the washcloth as if it can erase the tears pouring down my face. My glare is rimmed with red in the mirror, my under-eyes puffy. I stab my phone awake, pulling up the text Tuck responded with.
TUCKER: He’s with me.
That’s it. No elaboration. No explanation.
I slap my toothbrush onto the counter before brushing my teeth. Salty tears mingle with the foaming toothpaste.
Why am I always waiting?
Waiting for someone to care.
I’m again sitting at a high school art show, waiting for my parents with my head in my hands. I’m lying in a silent dorm room at law school while my parents threw a party for my sister’s admission into medical school. I’m slumped against a grimy alley wall, sobbing by the parade route.
I’m sick of waiting for people to love me.
What is so damn wrong with me in the first place?
A whimpering sob flies out of me, and I scrub my face harder.
I turn off the light, stomping out of the attached bathroom and into my room.
Kappa Alpha Theta is practically empty, thanks to a fraternity house across campus throwing a rager. I imagine my lonely bedroom window is one of the few illuminated in the house, and the thought only has me crying harder.
So I flick off the light and plunge into darkness.
The tears won’t stop, so I defiantly choose to stop wiping them away. They drip like an annoying sink faucet, intent on keeping me awake until dawn. My black silk pajama tank is dotted with shame as I stalk to the bed. I snatch my phone from my nightstand.
2:27 a.m.
Another whimper escapes as I crawl into bed, scrolling through the calls and text messages that Brandon ignored.
What had I done wrong?
Or was it me simply existing in the first place—the chronic disappointment?
My mother’s words ring in my ears. “You’ve had your fun, now grow up.”
I laugh through another sob. What part of this has been fun? Forging a path through a world where I’ll never be loved? Signing away any chance of my parents’ affection for a career I so desperately want?
Something inside of me cracks, and I slip deeper into the shadows. Haunted voices slither in, whispering so quickly that I cannot decipher truth from lies. I let the darkness pull me, and finally, sleep claims me.
The next afternoon, my black boots click across the classroom floor.
Ms. Njay glares as I file out the door after the other students, but I don’t have enough energy to even roll my eyes.
My figure drawing class went as expected.
I drew yet another human-sized bunny rabbit, and Ms. Njay scolded me for it.
I exit the Fine Arts building, holding my head high as I stalk down the sidewalk. I’m numb inside and out, but I’ve made up my mind. My walls are fortified steel, my eyeliner sharp enough to cut anyone who approaches me.
I’m ashamed to admit my phone has been glued to my body all morning, each cell hyperaware of every vibrating call and text.
From everyone that isn’t Brandon.
Suddenly, someone scrambles into my path. Air ceases to exist as a pair of frantic green eyes crash into mine. Brandon is still a head taller than me, even though I’m wearing heeled boots. He’s dressed in a black button-up, but it’s crumpled like he slept in it.
“Kate.” He pants, squeezing the shoulders of my red peacoat. “I’m so sorry.”
The lines around his eyes are emphasized from lack of sleep. The way he’s blinking all bleary-like makes suspicion curl in the pit of my stomach. He’s the furthest thing from steady.
I yank out of his grasp. “Are you drunk?”
He rears back. “What? No.”
I roll my narrowed eyes. “Technically, you’re probably hungover now. Let me guess: you just couldn’t miss that bangin’ frat party last night? You didn’t mean to get wasted and ignore your girlfriend?”
Brandon’s mouth clamps hard, black eyebrows angling. “You gonna give me a second to speak? Or are you sticking with whatever story you seem to have already made up?”
I scoff, the sound as cold as the snow edging the sidewalk. “And yet, I don’t hear you telling me that I’m wrong.”
His laugh is void of humor. “Wow. This is how you’re gonna act?”
I level him with a glare even as my heart twists. Beneath my anger, it worries me to see him like this. But then I remember the ache in my soul beside that parade route, and all concern for him dissipates like smoke.
“I—” Brandon huffs. “I didn’t stand you up, Kate. Something…happened.”
I shove any distress on Brandon’s behalf deep down and hike my bag higher on my shoulder. “Hmm… Something, was it? Riveting.”
Brandon’s anger crests like a wave. “Yeah. Something I can’t tell you about. Not yet. Especially not if you’re gonna act like this when stuff gets hard.”
College students eavesdrop as they pass us on the sidewalk, but I don’t care. I have no loyalty to anyone here. Not anymore.
“What about my calls?” My words are lethal. “And texts?”
Brandon scrubs a hand down his overgrown stubble. “I’m so sorry, Kate. My phone died, and I didn’t have a charger.”
“The whole night?”
“I know how bad this looks, Kate. But…I can’t tell you.” His frustration turns to sorrow. He takes my hands in his, and I curse the ice thawing behind my eyeballs. “But if this relationship is gonna work, I need you to trust that I had a good reason.”
What reason is good enough to atone for the heartache I went through last night? The harsh wake-up call? I fell for Brandon Roberts, hook, line, and sinker. He smashed down each of my walls with a dimpled grin, and it left me vulnerable.
Weak.
I tug my hands from his. “That’s not good enough.”
Brandon falls silent. His green eyes probe mine, and I can tell the second he sees my thoughts.
The pain. The doubt. My decision.
His whisper is heavy. “You already made up your mind about us, haven’t you?”
I bite my lip.
Brandon’s head falls forward for a long moment before he straightens. “Whatever, Kate. I’m all in for this, all in for you, but if you’re not gonna do the same for me—”
“I did.” My voice cracks. “I was. Until—”
“Until something went wrong, and you saw an opportunity to run?” Brandon jerks a nod. “Got it.”
He turns on his heel, and I stumble after him.
“No. No!” I regain my footing. “You did this to me, remember? You won’t even tell me where you were! How am I supposed to trust you?”
He stalls, turning back. “I’m sorry I missed the parade with your family. But for the record, this relationship ending—especially after I show up ready to grovel for you—is a joke. You wanted an out.”
My mouth flaps uselessly, soundlessly, and his curt nod reads me like an open book.
Brandon squeezes his eyes for a moment, chest rising and falling. Before I can register anything, he closes the distance and presses a pained kiss to my forehead.
“Nice knowing you, Katie Cat.” I’m silent as his whisper brushes my hairline. “I’d say we could be friends, but I’m always gonna want more with you. I promise, I had a good reason for last night. If you choose to trust that, trust me, I’ll be waiting for your call.”
He strides off, and in the leftover silence, I can hear my heart break.