Chapter 26 Sud
Chapter Twenty-six: Sud
I’m worried about Noi, and it’s caused me to act weird all morning. He immediately picked up on it. My attempts to hide it came off as detached, and I hate that. We just started a romantic relationship, and I’m already messing it up.
In the van when Noi started talking about the park, I mentioned the caves, watching him for a reaction.
He didn’t have one because he doesn’t remember them.
But he remembers the bats, and they were definitely in the caves.
One swooped down at me, just like he said.
Does that mean he’s going to remember what happened or that he isn’t?
I spoke with Khun Intapong and P’Tee about it yesterday, like I’d told Pah I would. They were very understanding and assured me that there would be a medic on the trip with us in case anything happened.
Little did I know that medic would be P’Wisit.
Wound up and worried, I’m unbelievably relieved to see Pah at park headquarters.
He probably moved heaven and earth to be able to be here with us.
When he and Mae video-called me the other day, they told me they’d discussed it and agreed that there was nothing we could do if Noi’s memory of the event came back, and that it was probably for the best that it happens, even if it doesn’t seem that way now.
I know they’re right, I’m worried all the same.
We reach the campsite, and as soon as lunch is over, Pah asks Noi to take a walk with him. I don’t know what he’s planning. Maybe nothing. He might just want to get a feeling for how Noi is doing. Or, he might bring up the whole thing in an attempt to get Noi to remember.
As soon as Noi leaves with Pah, Cora sits in his place next to me.
“It’s beautiful here,” she says.
I nod. “It is.”
She starts chatting, just being friendly, and I smile and nod at all the right places; but I’m having trouble concentrating because I can’t stop thinking about Noi.
After a few minutes, I notice P’Wisit standing a few feet away, watching us.
“Excuse me,” I say to Cora. “I need to speak to P’Wisit.”
P’Wisit watches me approach, and as soon as I’m in hearing distance, says, “Khun Intapong filled me in on the situation with Mee Noi.” My irritation must show because he adds, “She had to, so I’ll be prepared.”
I don’t like people discussing Noi like he’s fragile or deficient in any way, but I get that P’Wisit needs to know what’s going on just in case. Still, what runs through my mind is, Prepared in what way? To comfort him?
“Okay,” I say.
P’Wisit looks like he has a lot of questions.
There’s only so much Khun Intapong could have told him, since I’d only given her the bare facts, and I think maybe I should fill him in, although I don’t want to.
I don’t know what’s going to happen, but if Noi has a breakdown like he did when he was a child…
remembering the panic attack he had not long ago sends a wave of worry through me. Noi might need P’Wisit’s help.
Clenching my fists at my sides, I jerk my head toward the tent that Pah, Noi, and I will be sleeping in. He follows me to it, and we duck inside.
“I guess I should explain,” I say when we sit facing each other on a couple of mats. “Did Noi tell you anything about his past?”
P’Wisit’s expression conveys only curiosity and concern.
“He told me that his parents don’t care about him and that your family took him in when he was young. It sounded like you changed his life. He obviously loves you and your family very much.”
My shoulders sag a little as the words wrap around my heart and squeeze. Mee Noi. We love you, too.
I clear my throat. “His parents abandoning him was traumatic. The people who should care about him the most left him with virtual strangers so they could travel the world, and it’s damaged him.
He puts on a brave face, but he’s hurting inside.
My parents did everything they could to make him feel loved and wanted. They still do.”
“I’m sure you did, too,” P’Wisit says, his eyes kind, and I can suddenly see what Noi sees in him—a truly nice guy who just happens to be wealthy and popular.
“I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions about you taking advantage of Noi. I’m just—“
“Really protective of him,” P’Wisit finishes for me with a small smile. “I get it.”
“You’re probably expecting me to tell you about some kind of horrific incident.
It wasn’t anything like that, but it was traumatic for Noi because of what he’d been through.
When he and I were around eight, my parents took us here, to this national park.
We camped at this campsite. It was great—we cooked out, swam, hiked…
had a lot of fun.” I pause, smiling as I remember.
“On the third day of our trip, we visited some nearby caves.
A miscommunication between my parents caused me to accompany my mother back to the campsite when Pah thought I was staying with him and Noi.
They thought I wandered off and got lost in the nearby forest. While Pah tried to unravel what happened without the aid of cell phone reception, Noi panicked.
He went running into the woods looking for me, and a ranger had to go after him.
Noi was running, shouting my name. He fell and got all scraped up.
He fought the ranger when he tried to help him.
“I was young, but I’ll never forget when Pah brought Noi back to the campsite.
He clung to me like I was the most important thing in the world to him.
Later, after we got home and Noi fell into an exhausted sleep, Pah explained to me that to Noi, who came to us feeling unloved and unwanted, we were his everything.
Especially me, the person whom he related to and had bonded with the most. When he thought I disappeared from his life, much like his parents did, he lost it.
It was at that moment that I realized the great responsibility I carried and promised myself he would never feel abandoned by me if I could help it.
“After a certain point, Noi couldn’t remember anything that happened that day.
The doctor called it selective amnesia and said Noi would remember eventually.
Noi was my constant shadow for months. He had daily crying jags.
Sometimes I’d find him sitting on the floor outside my bedroom as though guarding me when I’d thought he was in his room or busy with Mae.
But when asked to put his anxieties into words, he couldn’t. ”
P’Wisit sits listening, not interrupting with questions.
Taking a deep breath, I continue.
“Months passed and things improved. Noi stopped wanting to be with me every second of the day, which was fortunate because I became interested in football and had to spend a lot of time practicing and at games. It helped that Noi and Mae loved to spend hours outside planting flowers together. We’d entered secondary school, and there was a big argument with Noi’s birth parents about that.
They wanted him to go to private school, but Noi and I wanted him to continue going to public school with me.
In the end, his parents allowed it, but Noi started having nightmares—probably due to all the changes and the fear he experienced when he thought they would send him away.
I think before then he’d never considered the fact that they had the power to take everything from him.
The realization that even Mae and Pah wouldn’t be able to stop them made him feel helpless.
My parents unofficially put him in therapy with someone my mother knew well, afraid of what Noi’s parents would do if they found out. ”
“What do you think they would they have done?” P’Wisit asks as I pause to open a bottle of water and take a drink.
“Probably put Noi in some kind of expensive hospital or something.” Just the thought makes me sick.
Noi would have been so lonely. “Anyway, he went to the therapy sessions for a while, then stopped because I guess he got better, and we went back to waiting for some kind of a trigger to jolt him into remembering.”
P’Wisit sits in silence for a moment before asking, “Do you ever regret it? This responsibility? Like, wished it never happened, and you could just not have to worry about him?”
“No,” I say without hesitation. “Not once. Because what Noi and I have is special. Not everyone gets to experience the kind of connection we have.”
P’Wisit nods.
The tent flap lifts and Noi ducks inside, pausing in surprise when he sees P’Wisit sitting with me.
I’m suddenly at a loss to explain why I am sitting in here with someone I’ve always avoided in the past.
Giving Noi one of his mega-watt smiles, P’Wisit says, “Nong was just apologizing to me for the day he burst into my apartment and dragged you out. Of course, I accepted his apology. Now, I think I’ll go find Cora and see if she wants to take a look around with me.”
He exits the tent, leaving me alone with Noi.
“Where’s Pah?” I ask, searching his face for any sign of unease. I don’t see any.
“He’s talking to P’Tee.” Noi flops down on one of the sleeping mats, tucking a pillow under his head. “Thank you for apologizing to P’Wisit.”
“You don’t have to thank me. I should have done it before.”
“Pah says you’re worried about me because of something that happened here years ago.”
I don’t know what to say. Noi stares at me with serious eyes.
“Do you remember it, now?”
Rolling onto his side so he can see me better, he says, “No. I mean, when Pah started talking about it, I remembered that therapist asking me questions about you and when I thought you were lost.” He frowns.
“Pah told me we were at the caves, and you went back to the campsite with Mae, but Pah and I didn’t know that.
And I freaked out and ran into the woods looking for you. ”
I nod.
A shiver runs through Noi, and he suddenly holds out his hand for me, tugging me closer when I take it.