28. Twenty-Eight
28
TWENTY-EIGHT
PETER DAVIS
Washington D.C., Spring 2023
Eight months together
I heard boots echoing through the hallway behind us, but I couldn’t care less at this moment. Her eyes were getting heavier and I let my thumbs caress over her cheeks. The tears in my eyes were clouding my vision as I tried to memorize these last moments between us. The moment her eyes closed, she shot me a last smile and I leaned in to place a kiss on her forehead, praying that it would guide her safely to wherever her soul was going.
My hands were shaking, but I refused to put them off her cheeks even when I saw the color leaving her face. She was still warm, as if she was sleeping and just needed to open her eyes again. My lips gently kissed her forehead again and I stayed in that position for a moment, closing my eyes and inhaling her scent.
It was faint and mixed with dust and blood, but it was still there. The flowery scent of her perfume that made my heart skip a beat every time she entered a room.
I knew I would never smell it the same way ever again. Because from now on, all I would feel was pain and not the happiness and excitement that I felt before.
“Peter.” A voice sounded from behind me, but I liked to stay in that little bubble of peace between me and Eliana. I kept my eyes closed, my lips attached to her warm forehead.
You would think a dead person is cold.
But it takes around nineteen hours for a body to cool down from body to room temperature.
“Peter.”
“You’re too late.“
“Let the medics do their work, please.” It was Oliver’s voice.
“You’re too late. She had a chance, but you’re too late.”
“Peter.”
“No.”
“Agent Davis, step away from Agent Richards and let the medics look at what they can do.”
For the first time in minutes, I took a deep breath, inhaling Eliana’s scent one last time, before I let my hands fall off her cheeks. My head turned around, angry eyes staring at our team lead. If stares could kill, Oliver would have collapsed dead within a second.
“Step away, Agent Davis,” he commanded again.
As slowly as humanly possible, I followed his order, seeing two medics rush to Eliana’s body. They started shouting stuff at each other while checking for a pulse and opening the emergency backpack one of them was carrying.
I came to a halt in front of Oliver, holding his stare while anger was radiating from every of my pores.
“She had a real chance,” I hissed before walking past him and Nate, who was standing right next to our team lead like the fucking puppy that he was, to flee out of the building that made my entire world collapse.
“Peter!” I heard both of their voices shouting after me, but I didn’t give a shit about them. My head was spinning, my heart racing while simultaneously every heartbeat felt like a hot, burning knife cut through my chest. My breaths became more and more uneven until I realized I was barely able to get oxygen in my body. My vision was clouded by dark spots when I started to run.
I needed to get out of here.
I needed to get away from them.
From her.
But no.
This wasn’t right.
I needed to be with her.
She needed me.
I wasn’t there when she needed me.
My mind was unpredictable, multiple thoughts flying around and I tried really hard to focus on one. As if I was trying to catch my thoughts with bare hands, and all that happened was them slipping off my fingertips the moment I touched them.
I clutched my hand against my chest when breathing became impossible. My legs kept me going forward, through the last hallway until I was finally outside of the building again. The weight hadn’t been lifted off my chest, but lightened a little so that I was able to take a few deep breaths.
The ambulance was standing in front of me, the brightness of the blinking lights almost blinding. Oliver had to call an ambulance because they weren’t prepared.
It was an easy mission, none of them thought things could go so wrong. So drastically wrong.
“Peter,” Nate panted from behind. He seemed to have sprinted after me when I ran off. I spun around to look at him, unsure what to say, what to feel.
“Is there anything I can do for you?”
What a loaded question. What did he want me to answer?
He couldn’t fucking revive her, could he? So what the hell did he want to do for me?
Nate stepped closer when I didn’t answer and placed his hands on each side of my shoulder. I flinched a little from the touch, but gave in after the initial shock. He gave me a sympathetic smile as if he knew what I was going through right now. As if he knew how it felt to lose the love of your life .
He knew nothing.
But I didn’t say any of these things because I couldn’t make my mouth move. My body was fully occupied to keep me upright and pumping blood into every corner.
The man in front of me pulled me close, wrapped his arms around me, and gave me an assuring hug. It must be the most awkward hug of his lifetime as I couldn’t bring my own arms to wrap around him. They were hanging next to my body like deadweight, my shoulders dropping lower with every second. The weight of Eliana’s death was pulling me down and I couldn’t do anything against it.
I failed her.
I couldn’t save her although I promised everything was going to be okay. She’d known, but she didn’t want me to panic, that's why she hadn’t told me until the final moment. She couldn’t fight because there was nothing to fight for. The bullet in her stomach must have hit an artery or something, because the amount of blood I already found her in should have been a warning signal for me.
But I bluntly ignored it.
Not willing to accept that she’d die in my arms today.
If we hadn’t split or if I’d been by her side earlier…
Maybe…
“Peter.” Nate’s voice catapulted me out of my thought carousel and back to reality. He had ended the awkward hug and was eyeing me suspiciously from head to toe.
“Let’s get you back to headquarters.”
I nodded in response, unable to say a word.
We pivoted and made our way back to one of the Agency’s cars. I felt his hand on the top of my back the entire time as if he wanted to make sure I wouldn’t lash out again and run away.
The entire drive back to headquarters was agonizing silence. No radio, no music, no talking. And thankfully no spiraling.
I was just empty.
Unable to feel anything.
Nate parked the car and we got out, walked towards the main entrance, and made our way through the normally impressive hall. I knew that there was the memorial wall to my right, but I couldn’t look at the over hundred stars of fallen CIA agents on duty. I didn’t want to even think about the fact that tomorrow they would add another star to it as well as her name in the book underneath it.
We crossed the atrium in between the two buildings and made it to the elevator that would lead to our rooms. Nate’s room was on the second floor, same as the communal kitchen or the med-bay. But we were on the fifth floor, freshly renovated rooms that were mostly used for recovery of undercover agents.
I pressed the button with the five on it and waited till the doors closed .
“If you need anything, please let us know. Lynn could give you some medication if…”
“I’m good.”
It was the first time I spoke since we left the factory and the words were an empty assurance that I didn’t even believe myself. Nate narrowed his eyes a little while he observed me. I literally saw the gears in his head turning while he considered continuing the conversation.
“Okay. Lynn’s on duty the entire night, so don’t hesitate to contact her. You’re not alone, Peter. We’re here for you.”
“Sure.”
I was sure they were. This team was more than just a team. We’ve been the closest to a family she had. She’d said it to me herself a few weeks ago.
The elevator door opened on the second floor and Nate gave me another sad smile before leaving me alone with my thoughts. The doors refused to close for an eternity until the elevator finally made its way up to our floor. My room was the first on the right, but my body got drawn to the one on the other side of the hallway.
Liam had programmed my ID card in a way that I was able to open her door without any problems. She’d agreed to it.
Like my body was on autopilot, I held my card in front of the lock and saw the light switch from red to green. I turned the handle, opened the door, and stepped inside .
My senses were overwhelmed by her .
The blanket on the bed was crumbled the same way as this morning when we left this room to get some breakfast in before the debriefing. I remembered how she had wrapped her arms around my middle, pleading to stay in bed a little longer and enjoy the little cocoon of love we had created over the night. But I had carried her out of bed and into the shower where we continued what she had started the night before. Subconsciously, I turned towards the bathroom, switched on the light, and observed her items in the small room. The hairbrush was lying next to the sink, a ripped hair tie next to it.
“Ah fuck that shit.” It was like I could hear her words from this morning again. As if she was here with me in this room. I could see her short outburst while she slammed the remnants of the tie onto the sink before grabbing a new one.
“It was her last dark one,” I mumbled because she had told me that this morning. She didn’t like non-matching hair ties for her ponytails.
I never understood, but I would never forget.
My own white towel was hanging over the glass of the shower cabin, accompanied by her black one. I stepped towards it and let the soft fabric of the towel roll between my thumb and index finger. As if I was touching her one last time.
I closed my eyes a moment, inhaling the mixture of her perfume and signature scent that was flowing around this room .
“Eli,” I whispered, but the sound of her name on my tongue was like another stab to my heart.
I’d never call her Eli again.
“Eliana, how often do I have to remind you to close your door because I really don’t want to catch you two naked again.” Liam’s voice came out of the room behind me. I pivoted quickly and stepped out of the bathroom with Eliana’s towel still clenched in my hand.
“Peter?” Liam asked, confused.
I only looked at him with empty eyes before letting my gaze fall to the towel. I focused on the feeling of the soft fabric between my fingers, on the remnants of her scent coming from it.
All I wanted was to jump back in time and live in the memory of this morning.
I wasn’t ready to face my new reality yet. There wasn’t enough strength in me to accept that Eliana was gone and I would never hold her in my arms again. I wasn’t ready yet.
“Peter. What’s wrong? Where’s Eliana?”
In slow motion, I raised my head before my eyes met his. His face was blurry and didn’t focus, but it took me a moment to realize that it was because of the tears streaming out of my eyes.
“She’s gone, Liam,” I blurted out.
“What do you mean?”
“Eliana is dead.”
Three words that sucked the will to live out of my body in an instant. Three words that ripped my heart apart into a billion pieces and I knew nothing in this world would be able to heal it again. I couldn’t live without her. This was never an opportunity.
Liam’s blurry face came closer and I felt him grip onto my shoulders. His mouth was open and even through the tears I could see his shocked facial expression.
“What happened?” he asked carefully and his touch on my shoulders were the only thing that held me in this reality.
“I…I…She…” My jaw was shaking in an intensity that made it impossible for me to talk. I was sure together with my heart, someone ripped out my lungs as well, because even when I was breathing, there was no oxygen within me. The room began to spin and I panicked even more.
Would I join Eliana in death now?
And for a moment, I welcomed that thought because it was exactly what I needed and wanted. If I couldn’t have her by my side, I wanted to be with her wherever she was.
I’m coming, Eliana. Wait for me.
Faintly, I heard Liam’s panicking scream of my name and felt his arms wrap around me, while the floor suddenly pulled at me like a magnet. My knees buckled, legs giving in, but I didn’t even feel my body making harsh contact with the floor.
I’m coming, Eliana. Wait for me.
“Peter?”
It was her voice and I felt my heart flutter by the sound of my name coming from her lips.
“Peter!” She sounded sterner this time, like she was giving me an order. I liked it when she was in control.
“Come on, Peter. You need to wake up. Please. You’re scaring me.”
What do you mean wake up?
I don’t want to wake up again because in this dream world, you are still with me. The moment my eyes open, I will be faced with the brutal truth of a world without you, Eli. Give me a couple more minutes to listen to your voice. I’m not ready.
“Please wake up,” she pleaded and I heard the pain in every word.
I felt my mind slipping back to a reality when I felt my whole body shaking. It was an odd feeling.
Was this what death felt like?
“Peter, please.” She was crying, I could hear it in the way her words broke at the end. I couldn’t listen to her crying because that would break the tiny bit of my heart that was left in the void after watching her die in my arms.
Why was my mind playing tricks on me ?
That wasn’t fair.
With every passing second, I gained more consciousness until I felt myself lying in a warm and fluffy bed.
Suddenly, my senses were overloaded by her.
It was like I could feel her hands on my shoulders and her scent was lingering everywhere. That flowery perfume that I’d loved so much.
I felt home although I knew that without her, nowhere in this world would be my home anymore.
My eyes started to water and I almost flinched from the cold- and wetness on my cheeks when the tears broke loose and found their way.
“It’s okay, Peter. I’m here,” she whispered.
No, you’re not.
And that’s the problem.
You will never be lying in this bed with me again because I couldn’t protect you. I failed you. You died because of me.
My emotions crashed over me like a tsunami and my crying became stronger. I felt my body jolt with every sob, my eyes still pressed firmly together because I couldn’t face my new reality. I just couldn’t.
“I’m here, Goldie.” I could hear the helplessness in every word.
I wished you would be, Cinnamon.
I really did.
Finally, I managed to open my eyes.
The room was dark and I could barely make out my surroundings. I knew I was in a bed, but I couldn’t even remember how I got here, because the last memory I had was going into Eli’s room and collapsing into Liam’s arms.
Where the hell was I?
“Peter, are you okay?”
I turned my head towards her voice and even in the darkness of the room, I found her deer eyes without hesitation. Oh, these beautiful eyes that drew me in every time she looked at me like this. The softness shining through melted me in an instant because I knew that it took her so long to accept this part of her. The soft and loving Eli.
“You’re not real,” I mumbled, but I couldn’t rip my eyes from her.
My beautiful Eli.
I was convinced that my mind was hallucinating her right now, but I’d take every chance to look into her eyes one last time before she’d turn into a memory forever.
Her deer eyes narrowed and even in the darkness I saw thick lines appear on her forehead when she frowned.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m so sorry, Eli. I’m sorry I failed you. I tried everything I could, but it was too much blood and I couldn’t stop it. I just couldn’t stop it. I’m so sorry.” I wasn’t sure if she’d understood a single word of what I said as I pressed them out in between sobs, my body overwhelmed by grief and guilt.
She shouldn’t have died .
We shouldn’t have split up.
Eli scooted closer to me and placed her hand on top of my heart.
“It’s okay, Peter. It was only a dream. There’s nothing to be sorry for.” Her voice was soft and assuring, her hand warm on top of my sweat-drenched shirt.
They say the first stage of grief is denial.
Is that what it looks like? Hallucinating a version of her that feels and smell so damn real that it almost tricked me into believing her?
The mind is a dangerous place.
“I’m sorry, Eli.”
“What are you sorry for, Peter?”
“Please don’t make me say it. If I speak it out loud, it becomes reality and I can’t. I can’t, Eli. Please.” Her face blurred through my tears, but her hand on my chest was still warm and provided some sort of comfort.
“I don’t know what happened in your dream, but it wasn’t real. It’s all okay, Goldie. You’re awake now.”
“I failed you, Eli. I’m so sorry.”
I felt her hand wander from my chest, up my neck until she cradled my cheek. My head melted into her hand because it felt so real. Our bodies had always fit together like puzzle pieces. We were always meant to be together.
Like Han Solo and Princess Leia.
Turk and Carla.
Jessica Day and Nick Miller.
For me, it had always been only her.
“You didn’t fail me, Goldie.” A warm and soft smile lit up her face and I felt my heart react to it by skipping a beat. Her smiles never failed to make me feel like I’m on cloud nine, ignoring all the problems in the world for a couple of seconds.
But this wasn’t real.
“You died because I couldn’t protect you.”
A couple of words that sucked my soul out of my body in an instant. For a moment, we only looked each other in the eyes and I could see her fight to process my words.
“Goldie, you had a nightmare. I’m right here in front of you. I’m not dead.”
“You’re not real.”
Eli scooted closer even more, her second hand joined her first on my face and with a ridiculously strong grip she pulled my head towards her until her lips connected with mine and a firework exploded in every pore of my body.
The void, that replaced my heart since the moment I watch her take her last breath, was filled with love and warmth, and I was sure this was what ascending to a higher being felt like.
I expected this feeling to vanish the moment her lips left mine, but to my big surprise, my heart was beating strong, determined to keep me alive at every cost. Eli tilted her head to rest her forehead against mine and I realized that we had aligned our breathing.
The tingling sensation under my skin spread further through my body the longer we stayed in this position .
“Did this feel real to you, Peter?”
I felt a single tear slip down my cheek and gather at my chin in response to her question before carefully nodding.
“I’ll turn on the light now, okay? So you can see for real.”
Another nod because I couldn’t form cohesive thoughts.
She moved her body slightly, but made sure that one of her hands was in contact with my body at every time, respecting that physical touch was my love language.
My eyes were blinded by the light in the room and it took some blinks until my surrounding became processable.
We were in her room, lying in her bed under the weighted blanket that I got her for Christmas because she couldn’t stop reading studies about them. When that girl obsessed over something, you made sure to get her what she wanted or you unleashed the devil.
And there she was in her full glory: Eliana Richards.
Very much alive and mostly unharmed, if you ignore the crazy bed hair that looked like she was hit by a lightning.
She was always beautiful, but in this raw moment early in the morning when she woke up with her hair like a mess, eyes heavy from sleep and dried drool in the corner of her mouth, she was the most beautiful.
I’d marry her like this right away.
“Eli,” I breathed, my hands reaching out to carefully touch her because I needed to make sure that she was indeed real and not a hallucination of my grieving brain.
My fingertips touched her chin, her nose, her cheekbones until I rested it on her neck, my thumb stroking along her jaw.
“I’m here, Goldie. I’m real,” she whispered barely hearable, but it was enough to heal my soul.
She was real.
Eli was alive.
I couldn’t help myself and pull her close, my arms wrapped firmly around her so I could press her into my body. My nose buried in her hair to smell her signature scent, the tingling sensation returning until my body was fully at peace again.
My tears were dripping onto the top of her head and it was probably uncomfortable, but she didn’t complain.
“I love you so much, Cinnamon,” I whispered into her and felt her head move slightly to press her lips against my chest.
We stayed in that position for a few moments until the realization of her survival had sewed my broken heart back together. Finally, I let her go, but she stayed close to me, her eyes slightly narrowed because of the big smile on her face.
“I love you, too, Goldie.”
I didn’t believe I’d ever hear these words again.
“You know I’m not the one for the big speeches, that’s why I write everything into my notebook instead. But I need you to know that I would never want to live in a reality without you in it. You’re the reason why I’m breathing, the reason my heart strongly beats beneath my ribs. Eliana Richards, you’re everything for me.”
I saw her eyes well with tears in response and it made me so proud. A year ago, she’d never shed a tear because her father had beat into her that emotions meant weakness. She’d come so far in her recovery and it made me so happy.
“And one day, I’ll put a ring on your finger and make you officially mine.”
“I’m already yours, Peter. Always been.”
I pulled her close again and placed my lips on her forehead because I knew how much she loved this.
“You’re my endgame, Eli,” I whispered into her warm skin.
We stayed in out little bubble of love for an indefinite amount of time until the sound of her alarm pulled us back to reality. She quickly grabbed her phone and turned the alarm off.
After everything that happened this night, I forgot for a moment that we’re at headquarters and that there’s a normal workday ahead of us.
“Are you feeling good enough to go on the mission today or should we tell Oliver to find a replacement? I can stay here as well if that makes you feel better,” Eli said.
“Mission?” I had literally no idea what she was talking about, because I couldn’t trust my own mind. I couldn’t differ between dream and reality anymore .
“The training facility in the old sawmill. We’re heading out today to capture some of Atef’s men.”
I felt the air being sucked out of my lungs in an instant and Eli’s eyes widened when she saw my reaction.
“We can stay at headquarters, Peter. It’s okay,” she added immediately.
“No. We worked so hard these past few weeks. Oliver and Nate need our support,” I answered and I actually meant it. There was no way I’d let a nightmare effect my life and job in that extend.
“You sure?” Eli hesitated and I saw the storm in her eyes.
One day I’d tell her about the nightmare, but right now, I wasn’t ready yet.
We needed to survive this mission first.
“Yes. But Cinnamon?”
Her face lit up by the sound of the nickname.
“Yes, Goldie?”
“No matter what happens on that mission, we will not split up.”
The universe gave me a second chance and this time I’d protect her with everything I had.
Eliana Richards was my past, my present, and my future.
Nothing in this world could take her from me again.