27. Kiara
twenty-seven
Kiara
I t’s the first time someone has given me flowers, and I’m not sure how to describe what I’m feeling. It’s like a warm blanket, but inside. Something that radiates to my outer shell and pulls my lips up slightly. This feels deeper than a simple smile. Time has stopped still and it’s only me and the flowers in the bubble of my cozy home.
I smell them again and turn them just so, until they capture the morning sun in the best possible way. Adjusting the focus of my phone’s camera, I snap a picture. It doesn’t even need filters. Golden motes give the flowers a dreamy halo. I could spend all day looking at them, lost in their beautiful, complex, almost messy perfection.
I need to refocus. This whole evening with Colton, this whole fake dating turned into real dating, which could in turn become losing my best friend, emphasizes how life is constantly changing.
I should know this. Things turn on a dime. One day you’re part of an okay family, the next you’re homeless. One day you have a solid friend, the next you have a messy situation that only gets messier as deeper emotions and lust invite themselves to the party.
I know what he’s doing. He thinks he’s showing me the right way to do things—the respectful way to have a relationship—and I get it. In his mind, this is what’s happening. But for me, it’s a slow reeling into Colton’s fold that will leave me with nowhere to land once it’s over. Nowhere to go to but inside the deep layers of my loneliness.
Just once with Colton would have been perfect for me. An infinite moment outside time, not to be repeated, not to build unrealistic expectations upon. A one-time to treasure for the rest of my life, without any heartbreak to go with it.
I could have walked away, at the lodge. Staying felt like facing down a double black diamond, the exhilaration growing as you anticipate the thrill of carving on ice, the dance with the mountain as you sometimes let it carry you and sometimes make your own decisions, using gravity to your advantage, letting it pull you down or slow you down. You might not be totally prepared for it. You never are. You might take a bad fall, one you can’t get back from, and meanwhile the blue slope was right there in all its boring safety. Or it might be the best run of your life. You’ll never know unless you try.
I didn’t know what to expect last night, and it was one of the best evenings of my life. Seriously.
I wasn’t prepared for being carried out of deep powder in a fireman hold. For hot chocolate under the stars, next to a roaring bonfire.
I wasn’t prepared for flowers and stolen glances outside the window. And sexy smiles just for me and… winks! He winked at me, and I swear, my center reacted in a very pleasant way.
And certainly, I wasn’t prepared for a speech on how to have a successful, lifelong relationship that sounded like a confession. Like something that Colton had thought about in the context of being with me and deemed important to share on our first date. He knew my fears and he attacked them head-on. Showed me he understood where I was coming from, but that didn’t mean I shouldn’t trust him.
And now here I am, and I feel a little lost, and a little eager, and a lot scared. Facing down the double black diamond.
What if the answer is to seize the moment, and keep tomorrow’s heartbreaks for tomorrow? I’ve never been so uncertain about the next step in my life. What if—
My phone dings with an incoming message on the dating app. Nigel.
Nigel: What day are you available?
Me: For what?
Nigel: …
Nigel: For another date
My heart skips a beat. This is it. This is the point of no return.
I want to say yes. I know I do. The more I look at his message, the less doubt in my mind. It’s in the palms of my hands, in the tightening of my heart, in the tingle spreading through my whole body.
My gaze skims higher on our text messages and stops where I asked him where he was last night. Jesus, does he realize what a needy bitch I’ll be if we get deeper into this dating thing? I can’t even help myself.
Nigel: If that’s okay with you
One taste of Colton, one evening as his date, and I’m totally gone. I want more.
I want his company as my friend, his attention as my date, his affection as my lover. It’s time I admit it. Even if heartbreak still feels inevitable, I’ll brace for the fall and that’s okay. He’ll be worth the pain.
Me: Sure, when?
Nigel: Any day that suits you
Me: Is this a whole day thing?
Nigel: Yup
A whole day? Are we going snowboarding again? That was fun, but… I have a shit ton of work to do. With the holidays—
Nigel: Can you?
Nigel: …
Me: My weekends are tied up with catering and shit
Nigel: I know. A Monday work for you?
A Monday? He wants to take a whole day off to spend time with me without impacting my business.
Me: What about the garage?
His answer comes right away, no hesitation:
Nigel: You come first
The words send a jolt through my whole body, a realization of how deep Colton’s feelings go, and how they’re wrapping themselves around me and pulling me in.
Me: Next Monday works
Nigel: I’ll pick you up at 10
I'm buzzing with anticipation.
Me: Where are we going?
Nigel: Surprise
Hmm. No snowboarding? What else could take a whole day?
Me: How should I dress?
Nigel: Like any day
Nigel: gtg. See you Monday
I heart his last message and look at the screen, rereading our messages, a silly smile taking residence on my lips, my cheeks hurting, my heartbeat accelerating.
My palms tingle with excitement. I need to tell someone, anyone. Willow? She’ll rub in my face how right she was. Grace? She’s Colton’s sister.
A thought seeps through my mind. Opening my text messages, I pull up Colton’s name.
Wanna hang out tonight?
Colton
I can’t
Why not?
I’m seeing a girl
What?
…
I went on one date with her last night, and I really like her. I think she might be the one. So I don’t want to ruin it.
What the actual…?
She just said yes to another date next Monday, all day.
WTF
I’m taking it slow with her, like I said. But I don’t want to ruin it by hanging out with a friend.
Very funny
Yeah, I’m funny like that.
Seriously, I’ll make beignets. They’re like churros.
Seriously, no. I don’t want to fuck it up.
See, I knew it. Friendship is gone already.
…
Friendship is being put respectfully to the side while I explore a more meaningful connection
You’re very confusing. Why can’t you take me on a date
Typing these words make me all sort of hot and bothered. I pause, thinking this through, then resume my typing.
while still hanging out casually with me?
I don’t cheat on sweetness with grasshopper. That’s a rule.
I’m the same person
It’s not really the same thing, though
Also, you never had a problem hanging out with me when you were dating other girls. This is bullshit.
This is true, with the notable exception of Valerie. There was no hanging out with Colton (or the both of them) when she had moved in with him.
I wasn’t dating any of them.
You think if I ever got serious with another girl I’d be hanging out with you over pizza and video games in the middle of the night?
But he did. He always used to. And he wasn’t celibate…
What does he mean? I reread his message and see how right he is. What girlfriend would be okay with him hanging out with me? But then why did he…? All these times, when I’d bring him cupcakes for whoever he was seeing. When he’d drop a name, or a place they’d been. Was this all nothing to him?
Make no mistake
You always came first
But now I want it all with you
My fingers are too weak to type anything back. I read his last lines over and over, and the more I do, the more my stomach feels queasy—but in a good way. I end up clutching my phone, wishing it was Colton, wishing I knew what to answer to that.
Make no mistake
You always came first
But now I want it all with you
See you Monday at ten
…
Frustrated that I he won’t see me now , I turn to the app. Maybe there I can ask him to hang out with me tonight. Maybe that’s what he wants. A role play of sorts.
But when I bring it up, Nigel’s profile has disappeared. Colton is no longer on the dating app.
He just wants to be with me, and that’s all that matters.
I hit the trash can button at the bottom of my profile.