Chapter 24
Grandma knows best, or she should, with her long experience with marriage.
She told me I had to keep at him, so I am.
I square my shoulders as I walk into the house and through the mudroom.
The sound of the TV echoes through the house.
As I walk closer to him, the scent of his fresh-smelling body wash drifts toward my nose.
“Can we talk?” I ask firmly as I sit on the couch.
He reaches for the remote and turns the TV off. He leans his head toward me with a blank stare on his face.
“What’s been going on?” I ask with a calmer tone, trying to keep the situation light, even though, for me right now, it’s not.
“Where have you been?” he asks.
I squint at him, thrown off by his question. After all his little outbursts, he wants to ask me questions. I sit in silence waiting for him to answer but from the looks of it, he’s not going to answer my question. “My grandma’s. Now are you going to answer my questions?”
“Nothing,” he says and stares at the black screen on the TV.
“What do you mean, nothing?” I scoff. “You’ve been an asshole lately.”
Maybe asshole wasn't the right word to say if I'm trying to get answers. But I'm so infuriated right now. It came out without me thinking.
He rubs his head, his nose crinkling as if he’s uncomfortable. “We’ve already been through this,” he says, his voice laced with exhaustion.
I cross my legs on the couch and face him. “Yeah, and I told you to talk to me instead of acting like this.”
He leans his head against the couch and sighs. “Yeah. I know.”
Silence fills the air once again. I watch him, waiting for more to come from him.
“So why haven’t you?”
He leans his head up and faces me. “It’s nothing really. It’s just work,” he says quickly.
Again with the work, but he won’t tell me exactly what. Last time I drove by his truck was there. So, I don’t think he got fired. “Did you get fired?” I press anyway.
“No.” He huffs like he’s offended I would ask that.
“Then what?” I press again, refusing to give up until I get an answer that makes sense.
His head snaps toward me, his jaw tightening again. My eyes widen until he sighs again while loosening his jaw as if he’s realizing he’s about to have another outburst.
“It’s not that big of a deal. I don’t know why it’s bothering me so much to act like this,” he says. “Why do you have to keep asking?”
“You won’t talk to me, you’re barely here, and when you are, you’re rude. So can you blame me for asking more than once?”
He looks away, his hand rubbing the back of his neck. “I didn’t know I was being that rude.”
I laugh bitterly, shaking my head. “How can you not? You apologized for it once.”
He breaks eye contact with me and doesn’t respond right away. But then he looks back at me, his eyes softer. “It’s not you,” he says with a softer tone. “I don’t want you to think it’s you.”
“Then tell me what it is,” I say, leaning closer to him.
He reaches for my hand and pulls me to him, wrapping his arms around me. “I promise it’s nothing. Derek is on our asses a lot about our work performance, so I’ve been staying later and going in earlier.”
I lean up and face him. “That’s all?”
He nods.
“Why couldn’t you have just told me that?” I ask, laying my head against his chest.
“Because I felt dumb for being told my performance was lacking.”
A ping comes through his phone; he flinches but ignores it.
So do I. Although, that ping didn’t sound like his normal text messaging pings.
I nuzzle myself deeper in his chest, trying to ignore everything else around us and just be in this moment.
We haven’t had a lot of moments like these lately and I miss them.
“Why does Derek think your performance is lacking?”
“Because our reviews have been bad,” he says, loosening his grip around me.
Disappointment floods through me. Does he not enjoy cuddling me like he used to? We used to talk all night with us wrapped up into each other as if we couldn't let each other go.
I lean up and face him. His jaw is back to be tightened, and his lips are pressed into a thin line.
While his eyes dart away from me as if he’s unable to hold any eye contact with me.
He must really be uncomfortable talking about this.
Is this why he’s been turning sex down, because he’s not in the mood with everything going on?
I know stress can affect a lot of hormones in the body.
The stress must be affecting his sex drive.
Instead of pressing him again about our sex or anything else, I decide to let it go.
Not because it doesn’t matter, but because I see the effect that work is having on him.
Especially with the overtime he’s been putting in.
My feelings do matter, and I know he’s been taking everything out on me.
But in marriage sometimes, you have to have more empathy for your spouse.
I see how worn down he looks. He might not have much to give right now, and I keep pushing.
It doesn’t erase my heartache but knowing what he’s been truly going through softens it a little. So for now, I’ll let it go, hoping a little space helps him.