Chapter 49
I spread the papers out all over my living room floor, as if I’m connecting the dots to the missing pieces of a puzzle.
A fuck-up puzzle, I should say. The house that was once silent is now filled with my heavy breathing.
I focus on the numbers I don’t recognize.
I shift through each page that is unrecognizable.
Scanning line by line, making sure I don’t miss anything.
I skip the familiar numbers because those are meaningless.
I’m looking for someone I don’t know. An hour passes, and I scan over the mess I made, wondering what I’m missing because nothing comes up.
The weight in my chest has lightened because maybe I am crazy and he’s not cheating.
He’s proven it to me time and time again.
But I just can’t fight this gut feeling.
My hands that were shaking a minute ago are now steadier as I pick up the next sheet. I scan it over, wondering if I’m looking at this all wrong. I throw the sheet on the ground. I let out a heavy sigh and hang my head down low.
My eyes shift to the papers again, and I see it.
I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. And to think I almost destroyed something for YOU!
You told me you were busy and then I found out you’ve been going out all weekend. Who is she? Who are you seeing?
You’re destroying something so perfect.
Why are you doing this? You know we belong together!!
If they’re sleeping together, it’s easier for us to be together.
I miss you. When can we do this again?
My stomach tightens as I stare at those words. Chills run through my body. I pick up the paper, rereading the message. My eyes scanning over the familiar number.
My fingers tremble as I reach for more papers. For the earlier text messages.
Leave her for me.
I’m sorry I broke your phone. But that should go to show you how much I want this with you. You breaking it off hurts me more than you know.
We’re meant to be together. We always have been.
Baby, you make me feel so good.
He’s not half the man you are.
We can fuck in your car.
I’m craving you right now.
He’ll be home soon. Hurry!
I freeze as my eyes scan the papers. The words blur as my tears surface. My heart pounds in my chest. A wave of suffocation hits me. The air is thick, making it hard for me to catch a breath.
My throat tightens, and I swallow hard, but it feels like there’s a brick in the way, making it hard to swallow. My body tenses as the reality of it sinks in—he’s been seeing her.
My life is crashing before my eyes. What I believed was love and trust is now crumbling down around me.
A wave of nausea passes through me as I think back to all the signs I missed and trying to piece together when all this happened.
And why?
Why me?
Every shared memory becomes tainted and tangled into lies.
Was I not good enough?
What did I do to deserve this?
The betrayal stings deep, sharper than anything I’ve ever felt. Nervousness shoots through my body. I sit on the back of my legs, bending over, face touching the floor and let out a gut-wrenching scream.
Hours have passed by. I’m sprawled out on top of the papers.
My body feels heavy, like I’m sinking into the floor, as if I’ve become one with the floor.
I’ve been lying on my back, staring at the ceiling, trying to breathe, trying to make sense of everything.
My hair clings to my face, wet from my tears.
My body is numb. And yet the pain is still there, pulsing through my body as if those two stabbed me a million times and left me here to bleed.
I don’t know what to do next. My mind races in a million different directions, none of them making sense. All I can think about is him and her.
How?
Why?
I push myself off the floor, my legs shaky as I make my way to the pantry.
My hands and arms shake as I reach for the vodka.
I grasp the bottle as if it’s the last thing on earth.
Without thinking, I twist the cap off and drink a gulp down.
The sharp burning sensation I usually feel when taking a shot never comes.
Instead, the burning in my chest from all the betrayal eases up.
For a moment, I feel like I can breathe again.
My head is still foggy from all the tears and emotions.
I know this is a bad idea but getting drunk sounds like the right thing to do.
The thing I need to cure myself. At least for right now.
I know it will only numb my pain. But at this moment, the vodka is the only thing keeping me from killing those fuckers.
I grip the vodka bottle tighter and head back into the living room. I grab my phone, taking pictures of the text messages. Because who knows what Zayn will do? He might destroy these papers and deny it like the coward he is.
After I get all the pictures I need, I email them to my personal email and my business email. You can never be too careful. I guess that’s one lesson I’m being taught right now.
My phone dings and for once I’m not jolted in anxiety from the sound of the tone.
Rya: Hey! Ezra and I are going to the Mountain Pub for dinner and drinks with some friends. Do you want to come?
Do I want to come?
Hell yeah, I want to come. I’m not going to sit here and drown myself in misery.
Fuck no.
Not tonight.
I step into the shower, the sound of the water pouring down around me almost drowning out the fog in my head. The coolness of the water hits my skin, relieving the heat that is pulsing through me. I close my eyes, letting the water wash away the anger, the hurt, and the betrayal. At least for now.
After the shower, I gaze at my reflection in the mirror, my eyes red but dark. I stopped drinking because, if I’m meeting Rya for drinks, I can’t drive drunk. I need to be able to drive there.
I quickly throw on some clothes and a bit of mascara, toss my hair into a high bun, and call it good.
I sit at the kitchen table, staring at the papers I laid across the table. I’m facing the doorway that Zay will walk through. If he thinks I’m still staying at Ezra and Rya’s, he’ll be home soon because he knows he’s coming home to an empty house. Not a house with me in it.
Half an hour later, the man of the fucking hour walks through the door. He halts his steps as soon as he sees me. Shock fills his face, almost as if he’s seeing a ghost.
“Hey, honey,” I say in a sweet voice. “How was work?”
He takes an unsteady step and gazes over the table. “What’s all this?”
I smile wide. Wider than I’ve ever smiled before. “You tell me.”
I twist the cap off the vodka bottle, take a drink, and set it down hard, making Zayn jolt from the loud boom.
“You’re drinking?” he asks, stepping closer to the table, ignoring what’s on the table.
The smell of oil, grease, and sweat lingers in the air, making me sick to my stomach. Or is it the sight of this pig making me sick?
“What game are you playing now?” he asks, staring at me and not at what’s on the fucking table.
“Your game. Honey.” I stand up, grab one of the papers, and shove it to his chest. “Stop being a fucking pussy and read it,” I say sternly.
His eyes widen, taken aback at my anger, until he looks down at the paper. His face goes pale, his eyes widening in shock as his lips press into a tight line, the realization of being caught slowly sinking in.
“Where did you get these?” he asks.
“That’s all you have to fucking say?”
I reach for another paper, my hands trembling as I shove it into his chest. The sharp sting of betrayal is back again as I grab another and shove it in his chest once more.
“You’re a fucking asshole to make me think I was going crazy,” I yell.
I crinkle another paper and shove it to him, harder this time. His body sways as he tries to catch his balance.
“And what’s even more sick is that you two tried to convince me there was nothing going on,” I yell again, out of breath. “I even apologized for my behavior when you were screwing someone behind my back this whole time.” I pause for a moment, looking over his dead, blank stare.
“And you let me,” I scream this time louder, which makes his eyes widen in disbelief.
I grab another paper, and another, and keep shoving them into his chest. My hands are shaky, but not once do I lose my grip on the papers.
Tears rim my eyes, blurring my vision. I want to scream, to yell, but instead, I just keep shoving paper after paper into his chest. He stands there in silence, letting me do it repeatedly.
As if he knows there’s nothing he can say to fix what he did.
I finally stop, my chest heaving.
The emptiness in his eyes and the silence in his voice say everything.
Everything I need to know.