Chapter 4
CHAPTER FOUR
VIOLET
I blast my music while baking. I have an extra pep in my step this morning after spending the evening with Ezra.
Well, only a little extra pep. More like I’m actually up early to bake instead of dragging myself around all day long until I finally pull myself together.
It makes me feel bad that I ignored him every time he came over because having him here last night helped me more than I thought it would.
I was so nervous the first time he stopped by because I thought all he was going to ask was about that night.
Even though that night is still a little hazy for me, I can’t forget what we did.
I’ll never forget what we did. It runs through my mind all the time, and so does thinking about what our lives could have looked like from our senior year of high school until now.
Would Ezra have cheated on me? Would Zay have cheated on whomever he ended up with?
I can’t dwell on the past. Even though my thoughts run wild of what we could have been, they’re still scattered like my life right now. So I wasn’t ready to talk about it.
I’m glad he never brought it up, even though I told him I don’t regret it.
Because I know how it feels to wonder if someone regrets something.
It may have been important to them, and having those thoughts run through your mind to the point it makes you crazy is hard to deal with.
So I knew I had to at least tell him that.
Even if he wasn’t thinking anything of it.
It was probably me overthinking, like I have been these past couple of months.
I have Zayn to blame for that. I used to never be one to overthink and run crazy scenarios in my head. Now that’s all I do. It’s exhausting.
I really don’t regret it. There has been a part of me that always wondered about us.
But I stored it deep down like I did with my hurt from when I walked in on Rya and Ezra together and when Rya told me she had feelings for him.
I hid a lot of things, and maybe this is my karma for not speaking up.
For not standing up for myself more than I knew I should have.
But then again, why would this be my karma?
I did nothing to deserve this. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
But when you’re down in the trenches, it’s hard to keep those words afloat.
I need to stop turning down orders, I think to myself as I start to fold and stretch the sourdough.
I don’t know how I’m going to pay this mortgage by myself.
The other day, I ran through the numbers and fell short.
And I don’t want to talk to Zayn anymore than I have to when we go through the divorce.
I also don’t want him to feel like I need him.
That will just boost his ego if I go to him asking for help.
Fuck that.
I’d rather move out. Downsizing is also something I’ve thought about. I’d rather do that than take handouts from the dumbass I used to call my husband.
I haven’t seen or spoken to him since the day I confronted him. I blocked his number right away because I wanted nothing to do with him. Eventually, I need to talk to him, but for now I want a break from him. I need a break from it all to focus on myself. At least for a short period.
My emotions are still so up and down. I’m sad and crying.
Then I’m angry and screaming. Then I’m feeling down and mourning my best friends.
I can’t get a grip on my feelings because this is all too much.
It feels worse because I’m also losing my best friends.
I shouldn’t have married my best friend.
They say to marry someone who is your best friend, and well, I did.
And look how that turned out. Why did he feel the need to sleep with her?
Out of everyone, her? If he wanted to cheat, couldn’t he find someone else?
At least then I would have lost only one friend.
Not two. I’m crazy for thinking that because she also went for it.
That goes to show she was never a good friend.