Chapter 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
GENEVIEVE
I stare at the spreadsheet on my computer screen, willing myself to focus. Line items and numbers blur together, and I let out a frustrated sigh, rubbing my temple. No matter how hard I try, I can’t keep my mind from drifting back to last night.
To Finn.
To the way he made me feel things I never thought possible.
I had no idea sex could be like that. Had no idea it could be that good.
Although I’m not sure good is an adequate enough word to describe what it felt like to be with Finn.
Incredible.
Amazing.
Life changing.
Sex with Ethan always felt…mechanical. Like I was just something else he was checking off his to-do list for the day.
Unload the dishwasher. Fold the laundry. Sleep with my wife.
But Finn… He touched me like he needed me. Like he couldn’t go another second without feeling me. There was so much passion, so much intensity. I was completely unprepared for how easily he unraveled me.
And how much I craved him, even after he left.
I nearly asked him to stay. Rationalized it would give us more opportunities to have sex, increasing my chances of getting pregnant.
Thankfully, I quickly came to my senses.
It’s one thing to have sex in order to get pregnant.
It’s another to let him into my bed. Let him wrap his arms around me. Let myself pretend, even for a second, this is who we are to each other.
A sharp knock at my office door jolts me from my thoughts, and Claire waltzes in, practically vibrating with excitement as she drops into the chair across from me.
“How was it?”
I school my expression. “How was what?”
“Don’t play dumb,” she scoffs. “Last night. With Finn.”
I shrug, forcing an air of indifference. “It was…fine.”
She narrows her eyes. “ Fine ?”
“That’s what I said.”
I shift my focus to my computer, pretending to be extremely busy.
The numbers blur even more.
“Liar.”
I glance at her. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“How about the truth?” She leans in, her eyes bright with mischief. “Was it amazing? Cathartic? Transcendental?”
“You sound like mom. It was just sex,” I remind her.
“That may be what you’re telling yourself, but I know you, Gen. And I know you try to downplay anything that affects you. Which is precisely why I get the feeling last night affected you. That it wasn’t just sex.”
I hesitate for a moment, about to reiterate my argument it was just sex. But this is my sister. We’ve had each other’s back through all of life’s ups and downs. After last night, I really need someone to talk to.
Someone who can help me make sense of this.
Claire may be six years younger than me, but she’s always been my closest confidant… Besides Finn.
And this isn’t something I can talk to him about.
“It was one of the best nights of my life,” I blurt out.
“I knew it!” She claps her hands together and bounces excitedly in her chair, a wide grin on her face. “It’s about damn time you got properly laid.”
“Claire!” I hiss, pinning her with a glare. “Keep your voice down. You’re in a library. The last thing I need is for my personal life to be broadcast all over town.”
“Whatever.” She rolls her eyes. “There’s nothing wrong with having a healthy sex life.”
“I don’t have a sex life.”
“Then what did you do last night with Finn? Crochet? Play bingo at the senior center? Clip coupons?”
“Actually, we went mini golfing.”
She waggles her brows. “And he got a hole in one.”
“What are you? Twelve?”
“I’m just happy for you.” She reaches across the desk and covers my hand with hers. “You deserve this, especially after being married to boring Ethan Brody for all those years.”
“He wasn’t that boring.”
Claire shoots me a disbelieving look. “Gen, he color-coded his closet. His idea of being spontaneous was ordering a different brand of toothpaste. Hell, he talked about spreadsheets with the same excitement I had when we got tickets to see Taylor Swift.”
“He’s an accountant. He likes numbers.”
She arches a single brow, still not buying my argument.
“Maybe he was a little boring,” I finally admit.
“A little?”
I roll my eyes but can’t help the small laugh that escapes. She does have a point. Ethan didn’t have a spontaneous bone in his body. But I didn’t want spontaneous. I wanted reliable. Responsible.
That was Ethan.
“Maybe that’s why you married him,” Claire suggests after a protracted silence.
I frown, raising my mug to my lips, sipping on my now cold coffee. “What do you mean?”
“Ethan is everything Finn isn’t. Safe. Predictable. Someone you knew you’d never love.”
“What are you talking about? We were married.”
“But did you love him?”
I start to respond, but she cuts me off.
“I’m not talking about the kind of love you have for me or Mom. I mean the kind of love that knocks the air from your lungs. The kind that makes you feel alive and terrified at the same time. The kind that would make you risk everything for just one more second with that person. Did you love Ethan like that?”
I don’t immediately say anything. But I don’t have to. Claire knows what my answer will be.
More importantly, so do I.
I never loved Ethan like that.
I may have wanted to love him that way. He checked all the boxes. He was steady, reliable, and wanted a family. More importantly, he didn’t seem like the person who would abandon his commitment to me.
To me, that was more important than love.
I should have known it wouldn’t be enough. That even if you choose the right person, the perfect person, they’ll eventually leave. They always do.
“Love is overrated,” I reply, ignoring her question. “That love you read about in your books and see on TV? It’s fiction , Claire. An illusion sold to the masses. It’s not real.”
“It can be if you stopped closing yourself off to the idea of it. Don’t you want more?”
“Why do you think I’m doing this? I’m trying to get pregnant so I can have a baby, for crying out loud. It may not be your version of living a full, complete life, but it is for me. I’ve always wanted a family. I’m willing to do whatever is necessary so I can have that. That’s what’s important to me at this point in my life.”
She gives me a skeptical look then finally pushes out a long sigh. “If you say so.”
“I do. This is what I want,” I reiterate, squaring my shoulders. “Just a baby. Nothing more.”
But despite my insistence, a niggle of doubt has already taken root inside me. It’s been there since last night.
I fear it’ll only grow stronger the more Finn and I blur the lines of our friendship.