Chapter 28
28
“Hey, Theodore.”
Theo is reading Kaia’s final book report on the Heroes of Olympus (the entire five-book series, because how could Kaia possibly choose just one?) when Evelyn returns to the apartment after she didn’t come home and he had a not-so-mild panic attack because she didn’t come home. He acknowledges her presence in the apartment but keeps his eyes on the book report, unable to focus on the words but too mortified to look at her. Evelyn’s overnight bag lands on linoleum with a thud a moment before she slides into the seat across from him.
“I’m sorry.” She nudges his foot with her toes. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“I know.”
“I hate Solvang.”
“I know.”
“Theo.”
It’s the pain in Evelyn’s voice, her inability to exhale the second syllable that sends his eyes upward. She’s bone-tired. Puffy eyes. So beautiful. Home. His heart slams against his chest cavity. When she didn’t come back to the apartment last night, didn’t come home for Survivor , didn’t answer his first five calls he… well. He freaked out. One more unanswered call and he would’ve driven to every emergency room within a thirty-mile radius until he found her. I didn’t mean to scare you. It’s not Evleyn’s fault that everything about her terrifies him.
Loving her.
Losing her.
She breaks eye contact first, standing to pull two pints from Afters out of the freezer. Scoops the ice cream into ceramic bowls thrown by Imogen. Ube brownie for him. Dairy-free mint chip for her. Theo watches the flex of her biceps as she scoops and swallows the emotion lodged in his throat as she sets the bowls in front of them, then slides back into her seat. They eat their ice cream in silence. Evelyn always takes a too-big scoop. Always licks it on the spoon like an ice cream cone and Theo is transfixed by her tongue. Wants it on his skin. In his mouth.
Wants her.
After Afters, she nudges his foot with her toes once more. “Can we talk?”
“Maybe I still need a beat.”
The metal spoon clatters against ceramic. “Okay. That’s fair.”
Theo is just as surprised by his response.
By his anger, and his ability to say no to her.
Evelyn stands and sets their dirty bowls into the sink. “Well. I’ll let you get back to it.”
He nods. It’s supposed to feel good—setting a boundary, turning those words back on her, being a person with a semblance of dignity. But Theo just feels like shit. He drags a hand through his curls and is on his feet the moment he hears the soft click of Evelyn’s bedroom door closing behind her. It swings open, that door, before Theo can even knock, and Evelyn crashes into him.
Their chests rise and fall in tandem.
Theo’s brain screams , Go, leave, push .
His heart whispers , This is home, stay, pull.
In the end, his impulsive lips just crash into hers. Evelyn sighs into his mouth, weaving her fingers into his hair and rocking her hips against his. I love you. He cups her cheeks, his thumbs brushing away her tears. I love you. Kisses her hello, goodbye, everything in between. I love you. Evelyn’s hands leave his hair as she backs him against the wall. He tastes her tears as her fingers trails past his chest, down his torso, toward his zipper—
“Ev.”
Theo pulls away.
Fuck.
What are they doing ?
Her eyes widen. “Sorry! I…” Her lower lip wobbles. She bites down. Steadies it. “I fucked up.”
“Ev—”
“I fucked up,” she repeats. “Again. Naomi—”
“You’re not Naomi,” Theo interrupts, cheeks hot with shame. “That was a messed-up thing to say.”
“You didn’t drop me. That was a messed-up thing to say.”
“It’s the truth.”
“ No .” Evelyn shakes her head. “I’ve never told you just how out of it I was that day. I was in so much pain and I performed anyway, because so many doctors convinced me that I was healthy, that the pain was all in my head. You didn’t drop me, I fell . I fell because of what I now know was a massive flare-up of my then-undiagnosed autoimmune disease.”
“Evelyn.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“ I blame me.”
Theo’s bones remember that day.
Her fall.
Being two beats behind.
“Listen.” Evelyn presses her palms into his cheeks, forcing his eyes to meet hers. “I meant what I said to Jacob. You have never let me fall. Well…” Her nose scrunches. “Dance Theo never has. Pickleball Theo on the other hand…”
“Whoa! You slammed into me .”
“Debatable,” she teases. “Regardless? I have never blamed you. Okay?”
Evelyn holds his gaze and her expression is so fierce, so serious .
Theo is still unsure how to forgive himself for being two beats behind.
But he can believe her.
“Okay.”
“I think—” She exhales a shaky laugh, then lets go of him and stretches the sleeves of her sweatshirt to cover her hands before pressing them to her cheeks, allowing fabric to absorb her tears. “I freaked out and I knew it would hurt. Blaming you. I think Naomi fucked me up.”
“ Ev —”
“Jules clocked me weeks ago. I do shove you out the door. Then I get pissed when you listen and stay away. It’s not okay. I’m so sorry. You scare me, Theodore. I want impossible things with you. Forever kind of things. But my definition of forever doesn’t match yours and I don’t know what to do with that because—”
His mouth meets hers, cuts off this declaration like a coward. I want impossible things with you . Evelyn is still holding tight to marriage being this deal-breaker, but Theo doesn’t give a fuck about what he thought he wanted when he was a child. He grew up. He should tell her this. Instead, he memorizes the shape of her mouth, its taste, this feeling , before he agrees with her, their definitions don’t match, and it’s going to hurt.
“It’s not supposed to be this hard,” she whispers against his mouth.
“It’s not.”
Loving Evelyn Bloom has always been as effortless, as necessary, as breathing.
But if he loses her?
If their story ends like Jacob and Lori’s?
How will Theo breathe?
“I love you, too,” she says. “Obviously.”
Obviously.
That one word forms a fissure in his resolve. Evelyn reaches toward him, her thumbs brushing away his tears. Theo isn’t sure when he started crying. Fuck. She removes his glasses. He resists his impulse to smash the heels of his hands to his eyes to stanch the emotion.
“I signed start paperwork.”
“I know. You’re going.”
He nods. “And you’re staying.”
“For now.”
Evelyn’s eyes meet his, shimmering and hopeful, but Theo is so used to his best friend pushing, to her giving him an out, that he isn’t sure what to do with this information. For now. He won’t allow his heart to latch on to it. Pasadena is home. Her future is here. It’s better for him to go.
To let her stay.
Understanding flickers in Evelyn’s eyes. Then she’s in his arms, burrowing her face into his shoulder, and this hurts, too. Theo isn’t sure how long they stand in stillness, holding each other.
“Pep is going to be furious,” she says against his throat.
“Jacob, too.”
She shakes her head. “Did everyone see it?”
“Obviously.”
Evelyn’s lips brush against his pulse. “For what it’s worth, you were a fantastic husband.”
“You weren’t a terrible wife.”
Her smirk is sad as Theo presses his lips to her forehead, protecting his heart and breaking it all at once.