Chapter 7
Chapter
Seven
THEN
Off-Season One - July Con’t
Stacey
I ’m wiping down the bar in between the lunch and dinner shifts. It was me and Dirk on the schedule today. Jack, Dash, and Casey’ll be here soon. My eyes intermittently find the door. No sign of them yet. I hope they didn’t get caught up playing video games again. Maybe I should text them?
A throat clears beside me.
“Earth to Stacey. I’ve been calling your name, bud. A lot on your mind?” Travis’s low voice drifts into my awareness.
No. Only one thing, constantly. Your son. “Sorry, man. What’s up?”
Travis takes a seat at the empty bar. Dammit, I’m looking for a resemblance to Dash, and there is some, but Travis is rugged, he’s not pretty like Dash is. He must have taken after his mom. Travis is like … an ex-biker Canadian cowboy. Tattoos, plaid shirts, jeans, and his long jacket for when he actually leaves this place, which isn’t often. He doesn’t have a horse, but he should.
“It’s been a few weeks that he’s been living with you, how’s my boy doing?”
Travis has put a lot of trust in me. He needed a safe place for Dash—I’m supposed to be his safe place, not another predator wanting to stick my dick in him.
I will be his safe place, even if it kills me.
It’s hard to put how Dash is doing into words. He’s comfortable at the house and he’ll go out when it’s with Dirk. He’s so damn brave, pushing himself beyond his limits, enough to worry me, more than I’m comfortable with, but I don’t want to discourage him. The best I can do is let him fall and then pick up the pieces.
He still self-soothes frequently. Rubbing his arms, holding his own hands, circling his thumb over the lower joint of his other thumb. He still falls asleep with the lights on—one of us usually turns them off for him if we’re still up. He’s struggling on the inside, but he’s continued to talk to us one-on-one. None of what he’s said has been particularly alarming.
“Never mind, I can tell by your face it’s not all rainbows and roses for him,” Travis says, running hands through his hair.
“It’s not all bad either. He’s in the right place,” I assure him.
Travis lays a warm, rough hand on my wrist. “That I don’t doubt. You’re good salt, kid. Wish he’d agree to the therapist—any luck on that front?”
I shake my head. “He started listening to some kinda self-help stuff, and I think it’s actually helping him,” I say.
“Still, wish I could take the pain away for him. Wish I could bury that sonuva bitch Robin alive.”
So, do I. I don’t say it out loud, though. I’m supposed to be the responsible one in any situation.
The door bursts open, admitting—finally—the three clowns. Jack pushes Casey as an obnoxious laugh bursts from his chest. I don’t even wanna know what they were talking about. Dash isn’t too far behind.
Dirk walks out from the back, already changed into his street clothes, ready to go home. I was hoping to stay for a bit. Maybe have a drink, maybe keep an eye on Dashie. That’s probably a bad idea and unnecessary. His dad’ll keep both eyes on him.
Travis appraises him. “Have you eaten, kiddo? I can make you a burger or something. Whatever you want,” he says.
“Oh, um, I ate already, but thanks, Dad.” Dash can’t look Travis in the eyes. There’s still a lot of guilt there.
Dash’s gaze lands on me, and he lights up. A special thrill moves through me, and imaginary bubbles pop against my chest.
He’s happy to see me.
Travis’s face falls, but only for a second. Something else steadfastly takes over and he sits back, analyzing his son—and me. Fucking hell. He can’t figure out the things I’ve been feeling about Dash. I’ve got to make sure nothing but “friend vibes” pass between us. Dash has finally settled in. I don’t want his life disrupted anymore just because I can’t control myself.
It doesn’t help that Dash runs up to me, expecting the kind of affection he’s grown used to in our house. I stand taller and push my chest out as if there’s some way to stop his joyful energy from penetrating my invisible fortress.
“I helped Casey make the food, even though it wasn’t my day because I was bored. There’s something for you to eat, I’m sure you’re hungry.”
He probably made food for everyone, but it’s all his attention focused on me that’s the problem. Everyone’s gonna take it to mean what it looks like. I know better. Dash and I have bonded over our moms. He’s comfortable. The lust is one-sided, and I know that for a fact.
“Thanks, man,” I say. “Appreciated.” I don’t wrap my arms around him like I’m itching to. It would be so natural, though. It’s like he’s supposed to be in my arms. Was made for them. Can’t I hold him in a friendly way?
“Before you go, I need a word with you in the office,” Travis interrupts. “It’s about scheduling.”
And my name is Jolly Old Saint Nick.
“ S it,” he says as he closes the office door.
A thousand balls of anxiety build and explode inside me at the same time. Travis isn’t just Dash’s—insanely protective—dad, he’s my boss. Casey and I can’t lose this job. There aren’t too many places that’ll accommodate a hockey schedule that pull in as much money in tips as this place does in the summer. It’s the cushion we need.
“I know how that looked, Travis, but I swear nothing’s going on.” Nothing active anyway, and it won’t. I have the fortitude to make sure of it.
Travis runs fingers through his hair. He had Dash young, so he’s not exactly an old guy, but a few gray hairs pepper the darkness and maybe a few more have sprouted recently.
“I know you’d never do anything like that to him, not when he’s in such a vulnerable state.” I assume “anything like that” means sex stuff. “I’m not worried about you; I’m worried about him. Clearly, he’s latched onto you quickly, and I’m fine with that. He needs someone, but he’s not well enough to have a relationship.”
Don’t I know it? I’m painfully aware of all this. I didn’t ask to be attracted to someone unattainable, it’s just a thing that exists as surely as it’s gonna rain in Vancouver.
I swallow down everything—my feelings, my pain, the ache of wanting him.
“I swear on Mom’s grave, Trav. I have zero intentions of going there with Dash.”
And I don’t. I don’t fucking care about my desires. I’ll do whatever I have to do to banish them to the pits of hell, which just happens to be my fucking heart. Yeah, my heart’s become its very own pit of hell. All it does is burn and suffer.
He sighs. “I’ve scared you—I didn’t bring you back here to scare you. You’re mature and wise for your age, but still young. I needed to make sure you knew where he was at. I don’t want him deprived of you either. It’s clear as vodka that he adores you.”
I hold up my palm. “I swear it, Travis. You can trust me.”
“I believe you, kid. All right, send him in here. He’s not gonna like this, but I’ve gotta say it.”
What a mess.
Dirk and I take the car the four of us share. Either Travis will drop them at the house later, or they’ll call us to pick them up. Dirk’s glaring daggers at me from the passenger seat.
“Say what you need to say to me. Your silent beef’s getting old, Dirk.”
“He’s my best friend. You don’t know what he’s been through. I see him imprinting on you like a baby raccoon and that’s fine, but it’s also as far as it’s going, got it?”
“Just had this chat with Travis. I totally agree with you—and his dad.” I don’t even hold it against him. I’m glad Dash has someone like Dirk who’s willing to stick his neck out for him. “Now can you please stop plotting my murder? I’m not an enemy.”
He twists his lips and raises his brows. “Is it that obvious?”
“On the first day you moved in, you barely spoke to me, but you became instant best friends with Casey.”
“I dunno. I just sensed something, like a dog senses a bone, I guess. I’ll back off. You’re a good guy, Stace. I know you’ll keep it clean.”
With the Travis and Dirk mafia on my tail, they’ll make sure of it.
T he front door slams. Did I wait up for everyone? Sure fucking did. But it’s only Dash storming through the house until his angry gaze slams into me. Casey must have gone out with Jack after work.
Damn. He’s something otherworldly when he’s angry. I can’t … can’t even breathe.
“Did my dad tell you to stay away from me?” There’s a lot of sarcastic emphasis on the word dad.
“No. Nothing like that.” I keep my voice as calm and cool as I can. It’s dark, and I have all the lights in the living room on, the window open to let in the smells of a summer night.
“He sure as fuck did something and he had no right to do it.” Dash’s chest heaves.
“Yeah, he did, Dash. He’s your father.”
“I’m an adult. I don’t need him interfering in my life, and I don’t need you telling me shit like that, for the record.”
“I’m just telling you what I think. You can take it or leave it. You’re lucky to have someone look out for you like your dad does.” I’m not trying to underline that I was an orphan before I became a real adult, but it’s true. I know he regrets the time he missed with his dad. He doesn’t have to take my advice, but he should know that his attitude is a sure-fire way of getting more of what he doesn’t want.
Parents care about you. The end. It’s the suffering of having a parent, but it’s one I’d give anything to have back.
His lip trembles. “Oh, fuck. I’m sorry, Stacey. I just meant … well, I was worried you’d do what he said.”
“I was gonna do what he said, but not because he said it. Because I agree it’s the right thing to do.”
“Are you saying nothing’s going on between us?” He takes a few tentative steps forward and then sits his ass on the edge of the opposite couch.
How do I answer that without lying? “I’m saying we’re friends and that’s how it’s gonna stay. I’ve been through a lot, and you’ve been through a lot. We’re not in our right minds.”
Will he let me get away with that?
“Okay, but let’s say we were in our right minds.”
Guess that’s a no to me getting away with my answer. I rub a hand over my face. How do I explain it to him without insulting him? Without ruining what we’ve got? Without promising something I can’t give him?
“I’ve had some feelings,” I admit. He smiles way too brightly. “It’s not happening, Dash.”
“But I like our closeness, Stace. Something kinda cool was building. I was hoping maybe it could turn into something eventu?—”
“No.” I shake my head. “It can’t.”
“I can’t even think about being with anyone but you. Who could I even begin to trust?”
“You’re only proving my point, Dash. Until you can be with anyone you want, there’s no way you can choose me.”
He’s not acting as heartbroken as I would have expected. That can only mean one thing—he’s decided it’s a timing thing. Or maybe he can convince me eventually.
He won’t. Time might heal him—will heal him if I have anything to say about it—but it won’t change our beginning.
There’s something else playing out on that expressive face of his. “What’cha thinking?”
“I thought Dad ruined this,” he says, gesturing to the invisible yet very real bond between us. “But this is a real moral dilemma to you.”
“It is.”
He latches onto a couch pillow, squeezing it into himself. “Fuck, oh god. I was such a dick to him, but you’re right. He cares about me. It’s just so weird because I’m not used to someone so suffocating.”
Travis isn’t suffocating. He’s a tad overprotective because of what happened to Dash, but that’s it. But if Dash feels that way, his mom had to be more permissive. “Your mom was different?”
“A lot different. I didn’t even have a bedtime when I was little.” He stares into space, off in a memory.
“He’ll forgive you, Dash. He adores the fuck out of you. And—at the risk of more unsolicited advice—I’d start there. Reconnect with your dad, it’ll heal a piece of you.”
“I think you’re right. I’d better call him. He was pretty heartbroken when I told him to go fuck himself.”
“Dash Nolan,” I scold.
He flushes a pretty shade of pink. “Yeah. I was outta line. I’d better get to it.” He stands.
“For the record, I’m a man who makes his own decisions. I don’t let anyone make them for me.” With maybe one exception. A new one. From today forward all my decisions will be made through the lens of WBFD—What’s best for Dash?
“And that’s hella sexy if I’m being honest.” A soft smile cracks his face. “I’m glad we had this talk and figured this out. Now I don’t have to second guess everything I say to you or every move I make around you.”
“Is that what you were doing, sweetheart?”
“Yeah, sorta. And you might be right about the whole thing. Selfishly, I didn’t want to lose my new safety blanket. Fuck, maybe thinking we needed to be in a relationship was me locking you down, or something. Am I the worst for that?”
Does my heart crack just a little bit? Yeah, a bit. But it’s better we draw the line now when I’ve only got a … a crush. Yeah, a crush. Crushes happen and you get over them. Some last longer than others. This one’s been a long one. A growing one. I’m sure it’s reached its peak. It can drop off now. It will drop the fuck off now, thank you very much.
“You’re not the worst. I promised your dad I’d look after you and that’s what I’ll do.” I’ll be whatever you fucking need.
Yes, it’s still just a crush. An insignificant crush.
“Kay. I’m gonna take your word for it. And what are the chances we can keep this between us?” He runs worried fingers through his hair. “Aside from the embarrassment I hope not to die from later, Dirk would have a conniption. I kinda sorta told him I was gonna say something to you.”
He told fucking Dirk? No wonder the guy hates me. “What did Dirk say?”
“That he’d beat my ass.” He laughs. Laughing is good. It means this is gonna wash away like the tide in a few days.
“I won’t say a word. Cross my heart. For the record, you might be a bit of a brat,” I say.
He shrugs. “Dirk is basically my brother. We fight about all kinds of shit. There’ve been plenty of times he’s told me not to do something that I do anyway. He usually caves once he sees how happy I am.”
I raise a brow. “And when you’re wrong?”
“Then he beats the shit out of whatever or whoever made me sad.” He sighs. “He’s a good friend; I should probably listen to him more.”
“In this case, I’m glad we talked. Like you said, it’ll make everything comfortable going forward.”
“Yeah, I guess so. Now, I’m gonna call Dad and then try to fall asleep with the lights on.” He mutters something under his breath to himself, but then he’s gone.
And that, folks, is how you get effectively friendzoned for life.