Chapter 14 #2
If he’s worried about that, then this is all a moot point. Because I won’t get hurt. Not with the way it’s set up.
“I’m going into this with a clear head,” I reassure him. “This is an agreement between the two of us. Both of us are getting what we need to get through the storms we’re currently facing. There’s nothing more to it. You know how I feel about Murphy,” I add, hoping it’ll calm his nerves about this.
“Do I?” he tosses back.
I frown. “Of course you do.”
“I thought I did, but you’re standing here, telling me you want to tie yourself to him in a very permanent way. I thought you couldn’t stand him, and now you’re agreeing to be his wife. And it’s not just on paper, Avah, there will be public events where you’ll have to…be his wife.”
I’ve thought about that part. While I wrote down our agreement, while Declan was in my apartment, boxing me in against the counter…I’ve been thinking about it the whole time. Declan has always been the skilled defenseman from Boston, who then became the cheating idiot on my brother’s team.
Now…something has shifted. I’m not sure what or in which direction. All I know is that playing the part of his wife might not be the worst thing in the world.
No, the worst thing in the world would be to face Axel.
I’ll gladly hold Declan’s hand, watch him play hockey games, smile and wave at the cameras if it meant I’d never have to see Axel Boqvist again.
“Listen,” I say, stepping closer to my brother, taking his hands in my own. “You’re my big brother. You’ve been there for me, you’ve protected me, you’ve felt sorry for me—”
“Avah—”
“But this is my decision. This is me taking my life into my own hands. I can do this. I want to do this. I’m not here to ask your permission.
I’m here to let you know what’s going on, because you’re my brother and I don’t want to blindside you.
Plus, it would only be for my benefit and Declan’s if it appeared like you supported this marriage. ”
He shakes his head, dropping my hands. “That’s asking too much.”
“Why?” I ask.
“I told Declan to stay away from you,” he says, his voice hard. “I told you to stay away from my teammates. And here you both are…”
“It’s an agreement. Nothing more.”
He eyes me carefully. “For how long?”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“For how long would this be an agreement? You’d have to live together, show up together, for all intents and purposes, you’re a couple. For how long would this be only an arrangement before it becomes real?”
“It won’t become real.” I turn away from him.
I didn’t consider that part. We’re going to do this for two years. In that time it’s possible one of us could develop some sort of feelings or attachment to the other.
Is it worth the risk?
“How do you know?” he asks.
“Because Declan doesn’t want real,” I tell him honestly. “And neither do I. I’ve done real with Axel—as real as can be. I can’t go through that again. That’s why this will work.”
I truly believe it. That might be the driving factor behind this whole plan. A real relationship with Declan Murphy is something that will never happen, it’s not something I want. So by tying myself to him, I’m securing a way to stay as well as the space for my heart to heal.
EJ thinks for another minute and then he finally sighs.
“I’ll support you, lillasyster. But the moment you need me to break his nose—”
“I’ll do it myself.”
* * *
Arriving home later that evening after talking to EJ, I find that I’m less tired than I ought to be given the past day and a half. Unlocking the door, I open it to find a note on my floor.
Realized I don’t even have my fiancée’s number. Call me. I have an update.
Scribbled beneath is Declan’s phone number.
I’ve been called fiancée before…and that didn’t work out so well. I have no idea what’s wrong with me that I’m willing to try this again. Granted, this is very unconventional. Which is probably why I’m doing it.
I switch on the lights as I walk into my very disorganized apartment.
The boxes are still just the way I left them this morning and it feels like a perfect depiction of my life.
Some things are neatly packed, while the rest is still in place.
Others are haphazardly hanging out of boxes, it’s all around messy while I decide which way I’m heading.
Grabbing my phone, I dial the number. Declan answers quickly.
“Took you long enough, Snowflake.”
“What?” I ask, heading toward the fridge to grab a pint of ice-cream. “Are you scared I’m going to back out of our agreement? You know absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder. That must explain all this stalker behavior.”
“Ah, look at you. Already quoting hallmark cards at me.”
I can’t help but smile as I dig a spoon out of the drawer and take a seat at the counter.
“Why did you want to talk to me?” I ask, my mouth full of ice-cream.
“I spoke to Brady this afternoon,” he says.
“Your agent,” I confirm.
“He’s not too happy with me, but he can get onboard with this. Although, we’ll have to move fast. He’s got a plan to get this out quick before the PTO story hits the media. That way they’ll focus on this instead of the new guy.”
“Okay,” I say, digging into the ice-cream not knowing what to say. What did I really expect? We need this to happen sooner rather than later. The sooner we get this figured out, the sooner I can get my own paperwork sorted out.
“So, I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning for a breakfast date. We’ll have to smile and act like a couple for the cameras. Brady is working on getting us a judge to marry us. Might be tomorrow, or Tuesday morning at the latest.”
This is moving very fast. Even for me. This morning I was on board with this crazy plan because I desperately want to stay.
Or at least, I desperately do not want to crawl back to Sweden.
Others might think facing Axel is the easier option…
but ‘others’ aren’t in my shoes. Others don’t feel like they’ve given away something only to have it thrown back in my face.
That’s what it feels like. I spent years with him… gave him everything.
And in return?
He shattered everything.
“You still there?” Declan asks, his voice tinted with slight panic. It feels good knowing he’s as desperate for this plan to work as I am. It makes this feel a little less one sided. “Did you change your mind?”
I sigh. “I just got back from EJ’s,” I say. “He’s thrilled by the way.”
Getting up from my seat, I head back to the fridge to grab a root beer. If I’m going to have this conversation I need something to boost the chocolate.
“As he should be,” Declan says with laughter in his voice. “I’m an absolute prize as a brother-in-law.”
I pop the cap off the root beer and pour it into my ice-cream. I seriously need to stop with this little guilty pleasure. By the looks of things my life isn’t going to get any simpler any time soon, and my health won’t be able to keep up with all the stress-eating.
“You’re very pro-marriage all of a sudden. I mean for someone who’s keen on never having a woman for longer than a season…now you’re ready and geared with a court date to marry me.”
He’s quiet on the other side of the phone, a small ripple of panic moving through me thinking of the fact that he can pull out of this too. And that would mean I’d be back to square one.
“Or are you having second thoughts?” I ask, stirring the root beer into the chocolate, hoping and praying that he’s not going to back out of our deal.
“I’m allowed to think this is weird,” he says. “Doesn’t mean I’m backing out.”
Relief fills me. “Great, then I reserve the right to feel the same.”
“So tomorrow then?” he asks. “Nine too early?”
“I actually have a job, you know. Or at least I do for one more week, so breakfast won’t work.”
“Lunch then? We have to do something public before…” he swallows. “You know before we actually get married. The sooner the better.”
This will be our first public appearance as a couple. We’d have to sell it to make it seem like we’re in love…at least for the time it takes to snap a few photos that could be leaked to the media. Lunch or breakfast might not be enough.
“I actually have an idea that might work,” I say, pulling open the drawer where I stashed the gift certificate Vivienne gave me when she delivered the news of my expiring visa. “How about dinner? At Cinzano’s?”
He chuckles. “Go big or go home, right?”
“Literally the case,” I say, taking another big bite of ice-cream. “I’ll send you the details.”
“See you tomorrow, Snowflake.”
* * *
My mind is reeling as I get into bed.
I made it to the end of the weekend…with a fiancé, a dinner date, and a court date set for the next two days.
Grabbing my Bible off my night stand, I cling to it.
“Father, I’m lost,” I mumble, tears burning the backs of my eyes. “I feel like I’ve failed you, like I’ve failed me. I know you want me to forgive, to extend grace…but I don’t know how. I can’t go back home.”
My heart aches knowing that I might be doing the wrong thing. But right now, the wrong thing is the only thing I think I can live with. I’ve been justifying my decision to marry Declan in so many ways.
This is still a marriage.
We’ll be making vows.
We’ll stay faithful.
We’ll be committed to each other.
This is me helping him. And there’s no denying the fact that Declan needs help.
There are so many people who got married in history and in the Bible who didn’t marry for love…God was still with them. I know I can’t be Declan’s savior, and he can’t be mine…but does that mean we can’t use each other to live to fight another day?
Does that mean I should knowingly head in the wrong direction?
Does that mean my Heavenly Father will leave me behind?
Wiping at the tears that flow down my cheeks, I rebuke the thoughts inside my head. The thoughts of guilt and shame…those thoughts that tell me to leave the Bible on the night stand because there’s no use in reading it when I’m going against God.
Those aren’t thoughts from my Father.
Guilt and shame isn’t from Him. The enemy will use those thoughts to keep me away from seeking Him.
Opening up the Bible, I turn to 1 Peter 5. Verse 10 gives me hope for grace…
“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”