ELEVEN
After a long day of errands and last minute bullshit, I was exhausted. Leaving home, work and my daily life for an entire month was going to be great—once I actually was there. Now, it felt like pure chaos!
Lena was headed over for our last sleepover planned before I left. When I made it to my room, she was already sprawled out on the bed with a bottle of wine. Half a bottle of wine…
She sat up and looked at me. "You look like you need this," she said and handed me the wine as I kicked off my shoes and flopped down beside her.
"I need a whole lot more than what’s left," I groaned and took a sip. The wine was sweet, a little too sweet, but it’s exactly what I needed right now. “Do I want to know how you got in here?”
"I flirted with the only straight guy at the desk downstairs. It took effort. So," Lena started and looked at me with that knowing gaze, "What’s going on in that mind of yours? Are you freaking out yet about leaving? What can I do?”
After several moments of silence, finally I confessed, "Yes, I’m stressed. I am so excited for this trip, but freaking out at the same time. What’s wrong with me?”
Lena listened as I continued, "Plus, I just keeping thinking about my life. It’s overwhelming! What am I supposed to be doing? I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time, maybe ever, and taking time to just exist in the moment has really helped.
I just keep questioning everything about myself. I’m attempting to unlearn and relearn what I want out of life. It seems so daunting to figure it all out. I’ve had great examples of love.
My parents, my family, and you. I know it’s real and that it exists.
But somehow, it just never fit into my paradigm. Not the real kind of love. And I can’t help but wonder…What’s wrong with me?"
I looked at her, searching for some kind of answer or reassurance, but mostly trying to figure out why love felt like something I could never fully grasp or make a priority in my life.
Lena didn't hesitate. She leaned in closer, her voice soft but firm. "Charlie, there's nothing wrong with you. Not one thing. You’ve built something incredible with your life and business because that’s where your passion has been. You’ve poured yourself into it, and it shows. But that doesn’t mean you’re incapable of love or that there’s something missing in you."
She reached out, taking my hand in hers. "You’re not broken. You’ve just been focused on what mattered most to you at the time. But that doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t have that same passion for a relationship when the time is right."
Lena’s eyes softened as she continued, "It’s okay that you haven’t had the same vision for love as you have for your business. Love isn’t something you can plan or strategize. It doesn’t fit neatly into a paradigm. It’s not a list in one of your notebooks where you just check off the steps as you go. It’s abstract. It’s messy, unpredictable, and yeah, sometimes it feels like a risk. But that doesn’t mean you’re not capable of it. It just means it hasn’t been your priority yet. And that’s okay."
She squeezed my hand, a reassuring smile on her face. "You’re allowed to figure it out as you go, just like you did with your business. And you’re allowed to want more now, even if you didn’t before. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. It just means you’re evolving, like we all do. Well, like most of us."
The wine was gone and we made our way into cozy mode. It’s like we are kids again, staying up all night talking about everything. As we’re dozed off, Lena turned to me, half-asleep, "You’re gonna be fine, Charlie. You always are."
I nodded my head even though she can’t see me. "I know."
“More importantly, would you rather have a friend with benefits or a one-night stand every weekend?”
Lena whispered.
“There’s something very wrong with you! Would friend with benefits be great sex?” I asked.
“Maybe?!”
her voice drifted off so close to sleep.
“If it’s not great, I don’t want it. Night, Lena,”
I finally said.
The next morning, I woke up to the sound of my phone buzzing like crazy. Lena’s already up and made coffee. "You better get that," she said smirking as I groaned and reached for my phone.
It’s Mom, of course, with a few last-minute questions on where I’m staying. I gave her all the details, and promised to check in. She told me how much she loved me. I promised to send pictures and call when I could. Oh, I remembered I wanted to ask her about something.
“Mom, I talked to Alessandro the other day and he acted like maybe I don’t know you talk all the time. It was a little weird. Do I read into that?”
I left it for her to answer.
“Who knows why men do or say things,”
she snapped, not at me though.
“Okay. I love you. I will let you know I arrive safely,”
I promised and we hung up.
Lena handed me a mug of coffee and I was delightful. I liked having someone take care of me, especially when they wanted nothing in return.
“What’s going on with Alessandro and your mom,”
she asked.
“I don’t know. He just acted weird on the phone about it. We are talking about Alessandro, so who knows,”
I gave up. It’s probably just me.
“I don’t care how old the man gets, he’s still my McDreamy,”
she swooned. “I would never tell him that, but facts are facts. The guy is beautiful and knows it.”
“He’s not ugly. That’s for sure. He’s basically my uncle though. You grew up with him too. Knock it off. No McDreamy,”
I scolded her.
“You get so wound up about it. I love this,”
she mocked. Each time Alessandro visited us growing up, every girl in my high school suddenly was my best friend and wanted to come over to hang out. I get it. Hot Italian guy and all, but he’s the same age as my parents. He was basically family. He was family. We all loved him. He’s the guy that never forgot a birthday or a holiday, ever. Not once.
“You can literally do whatever you want on this trip. You can say yes to anything. You can sleep with whoever you want. Kiss random strangers. Dance all night. Eat all the things. Tan topless. No tan lines is underrated. It’s like Gap Year but for a month. Nobody would know or care,”
she made a compelling speech.
“I’m not sure about all the things on that list, but yes to whatever I want sounds like a plan,” I agreed.
It was finally time to go. I looked around one last time to make sure I had it all. Lena grabbed one my suitcases and unzipped it to toss in another pair of heels. "Those are your FUCK ME heels. They have to go with you. You’re gonna have so much fun," she said with a wink and zipped it shut.
As I zipped up my other suitcase, I almost felt the pulse of Paris waiting for me.