Chapter 13
13
Laura had never been this nervous.
Ever.
The nerves had been there all along, to some degree, ever since Laura had come to the life-changing realisation that she couldn’t bring herself to end her pregnancy. The weeks seemed to pass more and more quickly and the closer it got to this date, the more important it was that nobody guessed the truth. The best gift Laura could give her family was to not let her situation detract in any way from the best thing that had happened to the Gilchrist family in… well, it felt like almost forever.
Ellie’s wedding.
Keeping her secret had been – at least physically – easy so far. Even now, at around twenty weeks, her bump was modest enough to be hidden with relative ease. It probably helped that all those hours in the gym had given her exceptionally strong abdominal muscles. It definitely helped that it was winter. The trendy, oversized jumper that Laura was travelling back to France in was perfect, teamed with knee-high boots and her first purchase of maternity clothing – a pair of skinny jeans that incorporated a stretchy panel that was invisible beneath the jumper. By the time she got through meeting up with Jeannie at Heathrow airport and they had boarded their flight to Nice, Laura was feeling perfectly confident that she had everything under control and that the dress she had chosen for the wedding would be equally successful.
She had tried on so many but finally settled on a style with draped cape sleeves, a gathered crossover bodice that knotted in the front under the bustline and scarf-like ribbons that blended with the ripples of the calf-length skirt. She’d found a dark green velvet jacket to wear outside on the off-chance that a breeze could reveal the change in her body shape, and the matching green fabric of the dress, with the addition of a hint of shimmer, was the final touch in distraction, It also fitted the brief that Laura had discovered online for suitable attire to wear to a French wedding. She’d passed that wisdom on to her mother and sister.
‘ Think Sunday best ,’ she’d instructed. ‘ But not a day at Ascot or a night out clubbing. ’
Had the idea of finding a wedding outfit that flattered her own curves been enough to have tipped the balance for Fi? It had been shortly after that advice that she’d broken the news that she wouldn’t be able to make it to the wedding, after all. She was very sorry, she said. She’d tried to ask for time off work but it simply wasn’t possible and she couldn’t afford to lose her job.
At least Laura could be by her youngest sister’s side on the most important day of her life. She knew Ellie would be very happy that their mother had chosen to be here as well given that she probably had reasons not to come that were just as compelling as Fi’s. Jeannie was currently staring intently out of the plane’s window as they made the final approach to Nice airport – over the sea, parallel to the shore, as dusk was falling.
‘Look at that!’ she exclaimed.
‘What is it?’
‘A star. A really huge star. It looks like it’s just hanging in the sky, but it can’t be.’
* * *
It was Ellie who explained the mystery to Jeannie as she met them outside the terminal with the rental car that Laura had organised online. ‘It’s the Christmas star. It’s attached to one of the mountains right behind Vence. They light it up every year at the start of December. Isn’t it gorgeous? You should be able to see it from your hotel windows.’
That was what did it. What threatened to shatter Laura’s confidence that she could get through the next couple of days without being derailed by difficult, emotional drama.
‘The baous …’
Laura’s soft words were drowned by the rattle of suitcase wheels on the ground. Nobody noticed that she was quieter than usual on the trip towards that shining star thanks to the excited chatter between Mam and Ellie about all the final plans for the wedding.
It was completely dark outside now and Laura was focussed on following the satnav and staying on the right side of the road, but that didn’t stop her remembering exactly what that mountain they were heading towards looked like. She had a mental image of it in the daylight from when she’d been standing at the lookout near the ancient ash tree. It was just as well she couldn’t close her eyes for even a moment, because she knew she would still be able to feel Noah standing behind her, close enough for her to imagine she could feel the heat of his body. She couldn’t stop herself hearing his voice as he explained the old Provencal word. As he told her about the Christmas star that would hang on the Baou des Blancs.
The fear that control was being lost hit her like a physical blow. This was it. Laura had almost run out of time. Somehow, after the wedding and before she went home, she had to find a way to tell Noah that he was going to become a father.
She still wasn’t quite sure how she would do that, despite trying to imagine it a thousand times. She had wondered if it would be more manageable if she kept it businesslike and made an appointment to see him at his office, but that seemed too cold. Brutal, even, when he had no idea of the bombshell she was about to drop. Maybe they could meet for a meal. A coffee might be safer, though. What if he walked out on her as soon as he heard the last thing he wanted to hear?
‘Laura? Are you listening?’
‘Sorry… I was away with the fairies. It must be all the lights.’
There were fairy lights everywhere as they arrived in Vence, edging shop windows and looped against ancient stone walls. The cobbled streets of Vence had Christmas decorations strung across them and shop windows were sparkling with tinsel and silver stars. Lamp posts and fountains were wrapped in greenery and baubles. The bare upright branches of the plane trees around the central square had lights that made them look like giant crystal vases. And Ellie had been right – as they carried their bags up the steps into the hotel, they had a clear view of the massive star, hanging above them on the tip of the baou .
‘It feels like we’re in Bethlehem,’ Jeannie said. ‘I love it.’
‘Isn’t it pretty?’ Ellie’s smile was as bright as any festive lights. ‘It almost feels like the whole world is celebrating with me and Julien. Oh… I can’t wait for you all to meet him at dinner soon. And his family tomorrow – although, I have to confess his grandmother is a bit scary. Did I tell you, Laura, that Julien has become good friends with Noah?’
‘Erm… no…’ Laura actually froze, as if the wheels on her suitcase had jammed. Her heart was sinking like a stone. Being weighed down with dread. Surely not…?
‘Yes. He and Julien’s friend, Christophe the vet, have kind of made their own wine club.’ She laughed. ‘I call them the Three Musketeers, although Noah very cleverly suggested that maybe it should be the Three Muscadet-eers. You know, like the wine?’
Laura didn’t respond.
‘Anyway, they get together every week or two and have a tasting session. They’re such good friends that, because Christophe is away for a family emergency, with his grandmother in hospital, Noah’s stepping in to be Julien’s witness for the wedding.’
Laura could actually feel the blood draining from her face. ‘Noah’s coming to the wedding?’
Amazingly, Ellie didn’t seem to notice anything odd in her tone. ‘Not to the civil ceremony, just at the church. Because I’ve got you to be my witness, Julien wanted one as well.’
Laura was finding it impossible to move again. It was hard enough to take a new breath.
Ellie still didn’t seem to notice. She raised her eyebrows as if imparting something that she found intriguing. ‘Julien said that Noah’s really looking forward to seeing you again.’
Oh, no … this was just getting worse.
This was a real curveball. The memories invoked by the Christmas star had caught her off guard, but this was something else entirely. A scenario that Laura had not even considered mentally rehearsing. Breathing the same air as Noah Dufour was supposed to happen after the wedding. Preferably after Ellie and Julien had left for their honeymoon. Confessing her impending motherhood to her family was going to happen at an undetermined date in the near future – when she was back in Scotland and it was well past a time when the news could rain on any part of Ellie’s parade.
Jeannie was shaking her head. ‘French weddings are so different. Two ceremonies? And no bridesmaids? Is Noah that estate agent? The one who arranged the sale of the wee house? I seem to remember the name.’
‘He is,’ Ellie confirmed. ‘But did you know that he took Laura all the way to see the lavender fields when she came over in the summer? On the back of his motorbike?’
‘You never told me that!’ Jeannie sounded shocked. ‘I would never have imagined you’d do something as wild as that.’
‘To be fair, neither did I.’ Laura managed to find a smile. ‘But I guess it doesn’t matter how well you know someone. They can still surprise you.’
It was a gentle warning. She knew they had no idea of its significance.
* * *
The day of Ellie’s wedding dawned with a clear sky.
Jeannie and Laura arrived to help her get ready and then get changed themselves. A hairdresser was coming and a car had been booked for the short drive to the village centre. Laura braced herself for the memories she knew would be waiting to ambush her as they arrived at La Maisonette.
A sleepless night had given her the time and strength to muster her courage to get through the day. Or perhaps it was simply the knowledge that she’d come this far so she had no choice but to see it through. It helped that she was seeing this through the eyes of Jeannie, who’d only seen photographs of the little stone cottage and its interior. It also helped that she knew her mother would be finding this difficult. Her memories might be so much older than Laura’s but they had to be far more painful. This house had belonged to her husband’s brother. The husband who’d walked out on her and their three daughters more than twenty years ago. The man who’d made life miserable for them all for too long before he’d had the decency to leave.
Jeannie did simply stop and stare moments after she walked through the front door.
‘What is it, Mam?’ Laura could feel the hairs on the back of her neck lift a fraction. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘That painting…’ Jeannie’s gaze was fixed on the stone wall above the fireplace. Her tone was hollow.
Laura hadn’t seen the large canvas before. It was pure Provence, with misty mountains and a stone building that was smudged but gave the impression it could be on the point of crumbling into a ruin. It sat in grass speckled with daisies and poppies. It had been done with thick, almost three-dimensional strokes of paint so that the image was lightly blurred – as if it was part of a remembered dream.
‘Where did you get that?’ she asked. ‘It’s… beautiful.’
Ellie looked as misty as the mountains in the painting. ‘It’s special, isn’t it? I fell in love with it when I saw it at one of the summer markets, the first night I went out with Julien. And then he managed to buy it for me secretly and hang it up as a surprise on the night that he told me he loved me.’
But Laura wasn’t really listening. She was watching her mother. Were those tears in her eyes?
‘I’ve seen it before,’ Jeannie whispered. Then she shook her head, quite sharply. ‘But I can’t have, can I?’
‘You might have,’ Ellie said. She, too, was looking at the painting, so she hadn’t noticed the emotional reaction from their mother. ‘I’ve often been wandering around when we’ve done video calls. Maybe you just saw it in the background but I never showed it to you properly.’ She sighed happily. ‘We’re going to hang it in our house as soon as we come home after the honeymoon – somewhere we can see it every day. Oh…’ she grabbed Laura’s hand. ‘Come and see my dress. It’s hanging in the bedroom…’
The dress was stunning enough on its hanger. When Ellie wore it, framed by a gossamer-thin veil on a headband of tiny daisies pinned to an updo that left long coils of her hair to hang loose, it was even more breathtaking.
The underdress was a simple ivory silk sheath that fell softly in the front but fanned out into a small train at the back. Over the top was another layer with long sleeves and a high scooped neckline – white lace that was exquisitely embroidered with flowers in the same shade of ivory as the underdress.
‘I’ve never seen you looking so beautiful,’ Laura said softly to her sister. ‘I’m in danger of ruining my mascara by crying as much as Mam today. I keep thinking of when she brought you home from the hospital and I got to hold you and it was like I’d been given the best present ever. I love you so much. You know that, don’t you?’
‘I love you, too,’ Ellie whispered back. ‘And I love your dress. And that jacket. You always look amazing but there’s a kind of glow about you today. Oh …’ She ignored the knock on the door – it had to be the driver of the car waiting to take them to the town hall – so that she could hug Laura. And then her mother, who was looking like the perfect mother of the bride in a lavender dress with a matching chiffon coat.
‘We all look amazing,’ Ellie declared as they headed for the door. ‘I’m sad that Fi couldn’t make it but I’m so happy you’re both here with me.’
The civil ceremony, conducted by the mayor of Tourrettes-sur-Loup, took less than half an hour and was attended only by close family. It was a complete blur to Laura because every minute that ticked past was closing the gap while, ironically, tearing her apart.
She wanted to see Noah again. So much so, it felt like desperation.
But she didn’t want to see him again. Because she was terrified of what she had to do.
Not today, though, she reminded herself. Or tomorrow.
Would it be any easier if she could pretend that she’d stepped out of her real life once more? Like she had on her last visit to France, when she’d given herself permission to be someone else. To do things she would have never ever allowed herself to do?
When she could be someone who was able to relinquish control enough to fall in love…
Could she, this time, retain control enough to keep her secret hidden?
For Ellie’s sake.
For her whole family’s sake on this, the happiest day of her youngest sister’s life. A family occasion being made even more joyous by the fact that it was happening not only in such a magical part of the world, but at such a special time of year – a time to celebrate families and then ring in the new year and new beginnings.
Yes… she could do this.
She had to.
* * *
They walked the short distance from the mairie to the beautiful church near the main road, much to the delight of tourists, who took photographs of the wedding party as they walked the cobbled streets between tall stone buildings and through romantic archways. A crowd had gathered outside the doors to the ancient church, and Julien’s small son, Theo, looking adorable in a suit and tie, was waiting at the door with his grandmother. His father crouched down to speak to him and Laura guessed that he was making sure he was still feeling brave enough to be the garcon d’honneur , tasked with walking alone in front of the bride as she entered.
Laura had been instructed to go inside with Julien to wait for the grand entrance of the bride, who would enter on the arm of her mother in the absence of a father to escort her. Julien would stand on the right, beside his witness. Laura would stand on the left, leaving room for Ellie between herself and Julien. There would be only two people between herself and Noah. Was it possible that she might have the whole of this ceremony to get used to being that close to him again and to prepare herself for making eye contact with him?
She saw him the moment she walked into the astonishingly pretty church with its internal archways and vaulted ceiling, gilded statues and enormous medieval flagstones on the floor and… white flowers everywhere. Bunches of gypsophila were tied with silk ribbons onto the dark wooden chairs at the aisle end of the rows and there were huge bouquets of lilies framing the front of the church where the other witness to the wedding was standing.
Noah looked as if he was wearing the same tuxedo he’d worn the night he took her to dinner at the Chateau de la Chèvre d’Or. It was possibly the same dress shirt, but it was buttoned up today. He was wearing a tie. Not an ordinary tie. Or even a bow tie. This one was a thin ribbon – the kind she could imagine a cowboy wearing.
A maverick.
Exactly the man she knew Noah Dufour to be.
She had no more than the time it took to take a breath to get used to seeing him again in real life, because he was looking straight at her. It almost felt as if he’d been waiting for this moment, and she could feel the intensity of that eye contact instantly and so definitively it could have been a physical touch. The sensation of something melting deep within her belly was so familiar. Even if she’d refused to acknowledge it, she’d felt it the first time they’d ever met, in his office when he’d looked at her as if she was perfect.
That delicious melting sensation had been amplified when he was waiting for her at the airport that day and they’d both known they were unleashing an attraction that would lead inexorably to an intimate encounter. It had reached a whole new level when he’d kissed her that first time and sent a thrill that even now could reach every cell in her body with the speed of light, and it had disappeared totally off any chart she could have imagined when he’d made love to her that night. It had still been there when he’d been getting ready to say goodbye to her.
When he’d told her to listen to the real Laura because she knew what she wanted.
Oh my…
As she followed Julien down the aisle of this amazing church, she could imagine she was walking towards the man she loved enough to marry.
She’d realised that she was in love with Noah but, somehow, those feelings had been put aside – buried, even – during the emotional journey of dealing with the fact that she was pregnant. They were coming back in full force right now but, even so, she would never want to marry Noah. The dark flip side of that coin – when it went terribly wrong – was far too well engrained for Laura to want to go there even if it seemed that Ellie had, miraculously, managed to get past her own relationship disaster. She’d found the holy grail of being able to not only love someone enough to marry them, but also to have the level of trust it took to give them so much power over how happy you could be.
But Ellie’s happiness was, as always, contagious and Laura’s heart so was full of it she was feeling misty as she kept walking towards Noah. She could almost believe it was possible to feel it was worth taking that kind of risk. That you could love someone with all your heart and soul and it could feel like it would last forever. That the fairy tale could be real.
And Noah Dufour was the only man that was part of any fairy tale for Laura.
What was Noah thinking as she walked towards him? He looked almost sombre but there was a warmth in his eyes that looked like the glow of every memory they had made together.
If she let herself, she could believe that it looked like love.
The kind of love she could see in Ellie’s face as she walked slowly down the aisle. The kind she could hear in Julien’s voice as he made his vows to his bride. It was easy to understand the French that followed the traditional rhythm of lifelong commitment to have and to hold, for richer or poorer…
‘ …dans la maladie et dans la santé, pour aimer et chérir, jusqu’à la mort nous sépare…’
The tears gathering in Laura’s eyes weren’t simply due to the emotion of her baby sister pledging her undying love to the man she had chosen to share her life with.
There was an embryonic grief there as well. Because Laura knew that Noah was going to feel completely betrayed if she told him she was going to have his baby. Any hint of love in the way he looked at her would be replaced by shock and then… oh, God… would it flip into hatred?
If she told him? Where had that slip come from? It was a matter of when . There was no if about it.
There was no escape. She couldn’t keep it hidden much longer. She didn’t want to, because it was getting harder to deny herself the support she knew her family would provide. She didn’t have to tell them who the father was, but Ellie would join the dots as soon as she did the maths. She already suspected that something had gone on between her and Noah. Julien was friends with Noah, so he would find out and he would feel even more betrayed if that information came from someone other than herself. She would lose even the faintest possibility that he might, one day, forgive her.
The guests, including Laura, left the church first to gather around the door ready to throw rice and flower petals over the happy couple as they emerged through the doors to the joyous sound of the bells ringing. They would be driven to the champagne reception next, and the Gilchrist family had been warned that there would be a lot of honking of car horns as they travelled. It was the same restaurant where the more intimate dinner – the repas de noce – would happen later. Where there would, no doubt, be speeches and dancing and everything that came with the celebration of a marriage.
Not that Laura would be dancing. She never danced, but just imagining having Noah as her partner and his hand brushing her belly was enough to send a chill down her spine. No amount of fabric could hide the truth then.
How ironic was it, that the reception was going to be at the Colombe d’Or? The restaurant that Laura had expected to be taken to when Noah had, instead, taken her to the Chèvre d’Or.
The night that the baby girl hidden beneath the soft folds of her shimmery green dress had been conceived.
As if she knew she was being thought about, the baby moved. This ripple of sensation was still new and amazing but the soft kick of miniature feet felt more like a protest this time.
Tell him… I’m his child, too. You have to tell him tonight…