Chapter 15
15
‘Laura? Where are you?’
‘Ellie… You’re back!’ Laura hurried down the narrow cottage stairs as she heard her sister calling through the French doors that led to the terrace. With an effort, she dragged herself out of the misery she’d been fighting not to drown in for the last couple of days and deliberately brightened her face with a smile as she hugged her. ‘How was Paris?’
‘Perfect…’ Ellie’s smile was dreamy. ‘It’s like walking into postcards that have come to life. The Eiffel Tower, Montmartre, the Louvre. The street food… oh my God… we ate raclette, with ham, in fresh baguettes, sitting on a stone wall watching the boats go past on the Seine.’ She paused to catch her breath. ‘But you know exactly what it’s like – you spent your gap year there.’
‘That’s ancient history now. And I wasn’t there on honeymoon with my brand-new husband. I want to hear all about it. But where’s Julien?’
‘He’s gone to collect Theo and Pascal. I wanted to warm the house up and cook dinner. That’s what I’ve come over for – to invite you to come and have dinner with us. But how are you ? Have you been okay here by yourself? Do you feel better?’
She looked so hopeful. She clearly wanted to hear that Laura loved this little house as much as she did. That she’d soaked in peace and quiet and it had melted away whatever stress had been affecting her. She wanted her sister to be as happy as she was. But that was… never, ever going to happen, was it?
The dismay on Ellie’s face as Laura burst into tears felt like a physical punishment that was entirely deserved. This was her fault. She was ruining the newly wedded bliss that Ellie had been still basking in when she’d arrived.
‘What’s happened?’ Ellie sounded frightened, as well she might. She’d never seen her cry, had she? Certainly not like this, anyway. ‘It’s not Mam, is it? Or Fi?’
Laura shook her head. She gulped in air and tried to control her tears. ‘I’m so sorry, Ellie.’
‘What for ?’
‘I’m… I’m pregnant.’
It was Ellie’s turn to shake her head. ‘Why are you sorry? Oh…’ The sound was redolent with comprehension. ‘Were you afraid to tell me? Because of Jack?’
Laura nodded. ‘And you were getting married and Mam was so happy for you. You were so happy. I couldn’t do something that would make it less perfect.’
Ellie reached for Laura’s hand and pulled her towards the couch in the living area. ‘Sit,’ she commanded. ‘Can I get you anything? A cup of tea? Where are the tissues?’
Ellie ducked into the kitchen, came back with a handful of paper towels and then sat beside Laura, close enough to put her arm around her shoulders, and that touch, along with the relief of finally giving up her secret, started a fresh wave of tears. Ellie let her cry, rubbing her back until the sobs began to subside, which was when Laura could hear her speaking softly.
‘It’s okay… it’s going to be okay…’
Laura blew her nose into the scratchy paper.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said again.
‘Och, stop saying you’re sorry. How far along are you?’
‘Five months.’
Ellie gasped. ‘And you haven’t told anybody ?’
‘I have now.’
‘And nobody’s noticed? Oh, wait… this was why you were all weird when I called you that time, isn’t it? Going on about Mam’s roast dinners and you putting on weight.’
Laura nodded miserably, opened her mouth to apologise again but managed to stop the words emerging. Ellie was staring at the oversized jumper she’d been wearing for days now.
‘I should have guessed,’ she said. ‘You never wear clothes like this. Show me?’
Laura lifted the jumper. Her belly was softly rounded, showcased by the different fabric of the stretchy insert in her jeans. Ellie pressed the fingers of one hand to her mouth and, with a glance at Laura to ask permission, she laid her other hand on the modest bump. The only other people who’d touched Laura’s body in the last few months had been the medical professionals she’d seen. This touch was very different. It was questioning. Almost reverent.
So full of love that maybe the baby felt it too. Laura could feel the ripple of movement beneath her skin and the contact of Ellie’s hand above it. Her gaze met her sister’s and, for a long moment, they sat very still, in complete silence. It was the closest Laura had ever felt to Ellie – as overwhelming as the very first time she’d held her baby sister in her arms. Like then, it was enough to start tears flowing again, but there was something different about the tears this time.
They almost felt like happy tears.
And Ellie was crying too. ‘I remember this,’ she said. ‘It’s the best feeling ever, isn’t it?’ She swiped at the tears on her own face as she sat back and Laura pulled the comfort of the woolly jumper back over herself like a thick blanket.
‘I’m not really sad,’ Ellie added. ‘Well, I am but not because I can’t bear remembering Jack. I want to remember him forever, even if it hurts sometimes. I’m sad right now because you’ve been doing this by yourself. When you were always there to support me when I was single and pregnant. Were you scared? When you found out?’
‘I was… so shocked. Flabbergasted. I was on the pill so I ignored all the early symptoms because I thought they were side effects. I thought I was completely safe.’ Laura’s voice was trailing away. ‘I’d never intended to have a baby. I never thought I’d want one…’
‘It changes everything, doesn’t it?’ Ellie asked softly. ‘When you find out.’
Laura’s response was a nod. And a smile.
‘Are you ready to tell Mam? And Fi? Do you want me to be with you when you do? Like a family video call?’
‘Maybe…’ But Laura was screwing her eyes shut to try and stave off yet more tears. Were they ever going to stop?
‘It didn’t go so well when I told the father,’ she said.
She could feel Ellie watching her. She could actually feel the moment when the penny dropped.
‘It’s Noah, isn’t it?’
Laura simply nodded again.
‘I knew there was something going on, but I couldn’t say anything. Not when I was keeping what was happening between me and Julien a secret. It was your business. If you wanted to have a naughty weekend with a gorgeous Frenchman, I wasn’t about to talk you out of it.’ Ellie leaned her head back on the couch and let her breath out in a sigh. ‘He is gorgeous, isn’t he? When he was singing at the wedding, I think every woman there fell in love with him. Did you know he could sing like that? And play the guitar?’
Laura nodded. ‘He sent me a recording once. A voice note. It was late and I was in bed and…’
Ellie’s inward breath was audible. ‘You’re in love with him, aren’t you?’
Laura said nothing. She didn’t want to say the words aloud. It would make them more real, somehow. And make it impossible to take them back or pretend they had never been true.
‘When did you tell him about the baby?’
‘The first night I was here.’ Laura opened her eyes to catch Ellie’s shocked expression. ‘I know… I should have told him as soon as I knew myself but… I knew what he would say.’
‘Which was?’
‘That he’d made it very clear he never wanted to become a father. That I would have to end the pregnancy. That was a decision I needed to make for myself.’
‘Of course it was. It’s your body. It’s your baby.’ But Ellie sounded cautious. ‘What did you say when you told him?’
‘That it was his baby. That he had the right to know but that I wasn’t expecting anything from him.’
‘What did he say?’
‘Nothing,’ Laura whispered. ‘Not a single word. He just walked out and I haven’t heard from him since.’
‘Oh, Laura… that’s awful… I’m so sorry…’
Squeezing her eyes shut wasn’t going to stop the tears that only flowed faster when Ellie wrapped her arms around her.
‘He needs time,’ she said. ‘It’s a huge shock.’
‘It’s more than that.’
Haltingly, Laura told Ellie about the tragedy of Noah’s sister and that it had affected him enough to make him build impenetrable barriers to loving anybody that much again. How she felt that she’d betrayed him. That she was responsible for him being slammed against those walls around his heart hard enough to hurt very, very badly.
Ellie listened, and when she spoke again it was with wisdom way beyond her years. She said something Laura hadn’t even considered.
‘He might think that this baby is the last thing he wants, but it could be that it’s exactly what he needs,’ she said quietly. ‘He doesn’t know that, and he wouldn’t have chosen it because sometimes what you really need comes with a pain that nobody would ever choose. He’s dealing with the worst of that pain right now. He needs time. And he needs to know that you’re still here.’
‘ What ? No… I’m going home. To tell Mam. To start getting my life sorted. Everything’s been on hold while it’s been a secret, and the clock’s ticking. I have to sell my apartment, which is totally unsuitable for a baby, and that could take ages.’
Ellie shook her head. ‘Stay,’ she said. ‘There’s no point even thinking about putting your apartment on the market when everything’s going to shut down until well into January. You’ve got your own holidays due to start, haven’t you? You could stay.’
‘But I haven’t got any clothes other than the ones I’m wearing. And my wedding outfit.’
‘I had less than that when I decided to stay here,’ Ellie reminded her. ‘I’ll take you shopping tomorrow.’ She caught her lip between her teeth. ‘You’re going to need a lot more in the way of maternity clothes very soon.’
‘I can’t crash your first family Christmas.’
‘ You’re part of our family, Laura. A very important part. And… it feels like it would be a mistake for you to leave right now.’
‘Why?’
‘You’d be running away – just like Noah did. When he’s ready, Noah will need to talk to you again, and if you’re in another country that will probably only be a phone call and it would be too easy to hang up if it got difficult. Or to be less than honest. It’s a lot harder to hide how you really feel when you’re actually with someone.’
Laura knew that was true. Telling Noah she was pregnant face to face had been the hardest thing she’d ever done but, even now, she knew it had been the right thing to do.
She knew that Noah Dufour was an honourable man and, deep down, she knew she could trust him to do the right thing as well. Not in the outdated sense of offering marriage, but she could imagine that he might decide to formally acknowledge his child. To allow his name to be on the birth certificate and, potentially, to accept a share of parental responsibilities. That would also involve accepting the link that he was always going to have to his child’s mother.
And aye… she wanted to be able to see his body language when he told her what part he might – or might not – be prepared to play in the life of his child and, by default, her life. She’d know, then, whether there was any chance he might forgive her one day.
Laura pulled in a long breath. ‘Let me try and fix my face,’ she said. ‘And then let’s call Mam and Fi.’