CHAPTER 23
The dancing shades on the wall looked like a giant duck swimming through a stormy night. An exasperated sigh left my bones as I scrunched up the paper I held and hurled it hard at the wall.
But the mocking duck still wouldn’t disappear.
At least it felt like it was mocking me, taunting me that I couldn’t even formulate the vision I wanted to create on paper.
“You know I could make a few new notebooks from all the papers that you have tossed on the floor.”
“I was aiming for the wall,” I mumbled before a cough cracked through my scratchy throat.
“Fuck, you okay?” Mikey handed me a bottle of water and patted my back while my cough subsided, but I was still heaving for air.
“Yeah. I’m fine.” I leaned my head against the couch, setting my notepad aside as I closed my eyes for a second to force some oxygen down my lungs.
A warm hand cupped my forehead. “You don’t really have a fever, but this flu is taking a toll on you. It’s been a few weeks, but you still haven’t recovered. I’m worried, Lily.”
Thankfully, with all that went down with my brother, Mikey forgot his deal to take me to Dr. Karlfield, moreover, my coughs were infrequent enough that I could evade it easily.
“I’m always like this when I get the flu.” I peeked one eye open. “In fact, you shouldn’t really be near me. You’re gonna catch it.”
“Trust me, those tiny little fuckers aren’t really going to stop me from being with you.”
I rolled my eyes. “Is there an end to all your lame jokes? Also, why have you made yourself a permanent occupant in my apartment? Don’t you have a life?” I knew I sounded mean, but I’ve been in a weird, irritated mood for the past couple of days, and I just can’t seem to get it off me.
Mikey shot to his feet and bowed low before me. “But, my lady, you are my life.”
I gave him the deadliest stare that I could summon. At any other time, I would’ve called that cute and heartwarming, but now I wasn’t so sure.
He sighed, scrubbing a hand over his jaw. His face looked a lot better now. It no longer looked like it had been run through a meat grinder. Only a light shading of purple-blue was painted on his swollen eyes and lips.
“Thought I’d cheer you up.” He ruffled my hair. “Do you want to tell me why you’ve been having a war with papers all day?”
“I’m bored.” I was more than bored. I was stuck. Stagnant, that’s exactly how I felt. Somehow, all this time, I’ve kept my head busy to try not to dwell on my imminent demise. But the more my body weakened, the more the urge increased to nudge open the peace I’ve made with it.
I usually turned to sketching when my head went dark, but even that wasn’t helping me right now. It was like all my creative juices got swirled down through the drain, leaving me dry and clueless.
“Bored? Ugh?” He pried the strand of hair falling over my eyes. “Are you missing work?”
“Maybe. It kept me occupied.”
“Why don’t you apply for a different position? You were freelancing before this, right? I’m sure you could find something worthwhile.”
“No, I don’t want to go back to that.” Honestly, I saw no point in getting into something that I could never finish.
“Okay, wanna watch anime?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Whoa, my little mouse has to be so out of it if she denied anime.” A soft smile played on his lips, and my lips couldn’t help but crack at that.
“There you go, being so icky sweet.”
“Then let me sweeten you up more.” He planted a soft kiss on my cheek. “Now tell me what’s really bothering you, little mouse?”
“Just life, I guess.” I turned my eyes to him. “My head is in a weird space, and I can’t even draw a straight line.”
“It’s like that sometimes, but then it’ll all go away.” He padded his fingers along my cheek. “You’re too bright to be swirled up by the dark. You’ll chase it away.”
“Do you do that? Chase away your darkness, too? ”
My eyes followed the length of his throat working a swallow. “No, I’ve learned to live with it,” he said in an emotionless whisper.
My brows furrowed. “That can’t be true. You don’t have an ounce of darkness in you. You’re the golden boy of the band.”
He burst out in an empty laugh. “I wish that was true.”
“I think you’ve gone crazy.” I leaned closer to him, so close that my lips touched his ear. “You know what? I think something else might help me take my mind off these dark things.” I dragged my hand over his chest and went lower.
“Naughty little mouse.” He swatted my hand away. “You’re not well. You’re already breathing like I fucked you hard against the railing till sunrise.”
“Ah,” I groaned a frustrated sigh, pulling back. He was right. It was very risky for me to involve myself in any strenuous activity.
But I hated this stagnant feeling.
I felt like I was waiting for a time bomb to explode me into nothing.
He burst into a chuckle, rubbing smooth circles over the side of my ribs.
“I don’t think it’s darkness,” I said after a long minute of pondering. “It’s a human flaw, a weakness that sometimes gets misunderstood as darkness. Because real darkness does exist, and comparing it to human emotions doesn’t seem appropriate.”
“So you’re saying that most of us are flawed and weak? That it’s not something sinister? ”
“Hmm.” I placed my hand over his. “Because I feel flawed, and I don’t think it’s something sinister in me.”
His brows pulled into a pinch. “You’re pretty perfect to me.”
“Not really.” I paused, swallowing a breath. “I sometimes feel like a burden,” I said quietly.
“A burden? You? Why would you ever feel that?”
“I don’t know how it started, to be honest. It sank in like a heavy feeling. I suddenly didn’t want to say too much or speak out loud or even act a certain way because, deep down, it scared me.”
He had a blank look on his face that gave nothing away as I continued, “Most of my childhood was spent pulling pranks on my brother and trying to win my mom’s warm smile and Dad’s affection and being the princess of the family. And then you came along, and everything in my life was just perfect, too perfect that I didn’t question reality. The older I got, the wider the world opened my eyes. I suddenly had a girlfriend who already mapped out her entire life.”
“Katy?”
“Yeah, she was the opposite of me in every way. I didn’t think much of it at first, but then it started to dig that I could never be like her. Then my best friend started to avoid me. It only dug the knife deeper, and then the insecurities that I never knew I had started to brew to the surface. Then Uncle Stephen died when I was fourteen. You know how Emmie and Mom took it hard. You weren’t really talking to me at that point. Dad tried his best to be with Mom. I tried too, but she would always cry when I said something, so I made myself quiet. Emmie started to pull away too, though I didn’t think it was intentional. I once tried to talk to him, but he snapped, asking me to leave, and it hurt badly. My brother has never talked to me like that before. After that, he became obsessed with the band. I kind of lost a part of my brother.” I shook my head, rubbing my eyes. “It felt like everyone had a goal or a life that they were chasing. You were happy with your life without me when you promised never to leave me. Emmie was adamant about securing the band a record deal. Katy spent every moment organizing and running behind you guys. Then my mom suddenly wanted to start traveling before it was too late, dreaming of seeing the clear oceans that Uncle Stephen spoke about. I felt lacking, behind.”
“I felt anything but happy.” His voice was hoarse as he regarded me.
I sighed; I knew what he was talking about, but it was all done and over. There was nothing that could go back in time to change the way he treated me or how I felt.
“It wasn’t anyone’s mistake or fault,” I continued. The bottle inside me was open now, and I just wanted to pour it all out. “It was me. I got insecure when I shouldn’t have. It wasn’t like I didn’t have a dream or a goal. I did, but my art was a part of me. I didn’t have to chase the dream, you know? I lived with it. I got comfortable fading into the background. Watching you all shine while I took a step back felt like my haven to hide behind and not make anyone feel like I was a burden.” I huffed out a long exhale as my eyes drew to his greens that softened upon my gaze.
“Your family loves you a lot, little mouse. I’m sure they never knew that you felt that way. I told you already, but I’ll say it again: you never are and never will be a burden. Even if your family feels that way, I never will.”
My heart tugged. “My family is crazy, but I love them to bits. I was young back then, and I let my insecurities get the best of me. Now, it’s even stupid to think I felt that way, but I just…”
“You can’t help how you feel.” He finished my sentence with a smile on his face.
“Yeah, exactly.” I matched his smile. “The reasons may be trivial, but I felt the way I did, and nothing can change that.”
“And it’s okay to feel, no matter the reason.”
A small laugh rumbled out of me. “That felt like a session with a shrink.”
“I’m better than a shrink.” He smiled so deeply that the dimples on his chin popped. Fuck, he looked too beautiful.
“What if I leave?” I blurted, my heart thudding.
“Leave?”
“Leave you tomorrow, forever.” Although I kept the playful tone in my voice, the truth in the words couldn’t ring any louder.
His eyes flashed with mirth. “I don’t think that’s an option, Lily baby. I already have a GPS installed under your skin when you were sleeping, and there is no place on earth that I wouldn’t find you.”
What if it wasn’t on earth?
But my heart sang at his words when they shouldn’t. The more time I spent with him, a tiny spark of desire started to burn inside me, and every time, it was getting harder to shoot it down.
I shouldn’t give birth to the desire .
Because then hope would crowd my blood.
Hope to live, hope to have a life with him.
An emotion that had the power to kill me more than the disease that was slowly eating away at my life.
I was scared of it. Terrified.
Which I was okay to go down the coward’s way, okay with letting the sickness win.
“That made you quiet.” Mikey’s voice brought me back to the present.
Before I could say anything, a loud knock rattled my front door.
“Expecting anyone?” he asked, reaching the door in quick strides.
“Nope,” I called out from behind him.
“Whoa, look who came crawling back.” Mikey grinned, gesturing to my stoic-faced brother and smiling Evy.
Fuck, not again .