Chapter 4
FOUR
JULIANNA
He passed out on me two hours ago.
Holt and Selene’s penthouse suite is eerily quiet, despite the number of staff they employ to handle the upkeep of this place. Now, with my nephew Luca sleeping soundly in his car seat, it’s even quieter.
While rocking him with my toes resting on the edge of the seat, I snap a picture of him and send it to my group text with Holt and Selene.
Both have messaged me a thousand times in the past hour, checking on him.
At first, I was slightly hurt by their obvious lack of trust in me being able to care for my nephew while they are out on a date, but I quickly learned it had nothing to do with me.
Holt and Selene are brand new parents. They’re obsessed with their child.
And who wouldn’t be with a perfect baby such as Luca Capuleti.
I’m grinning at the picture of Luca, but when my gaze swings back to him in his car seat, my smile begins to fall. I stop rocking him, and I twist my mouth to chew on the inside of my cheek. Sadness pours over me until the sound of my phone ringing snaps me out of my trance.
Charleigh’s name flashes across the screen. I swipe my finger across the green button, lean back into the sofa, and rest the phone on my chest, putting her on speaker.
“Jules?”
“Charleigh?” I answer, turning down the sound in case her excited voice wakes Luca up.
“Isn’t it kind of late there for you to be calling?
It’s eight o’clock here.” Figuring the time difference while Charleigh and Asher were away on their honeymoon was pointless, considering it changes practically every day.
“Santorini is seven hours ahead of New York. We went out for dinner at a local restaurant, then discovered this cute bar along the beach. But don’t worry, I’m not drunk.
I only had two drinks.” She sighs. “Asher is paying the tab, so I snuck off for a few minutes to call and check on you. How’s the babysitting going? ”
“Perfectly.” I grin, tilting my head to the side. “Luca is sound asleep in his car seat.”
“Car seat? Are you going somewhere?”
“No,” I chuckle. “But he was fussy earlier. I tried everything. Fed him, changed him, rocked him in my arms. Nothing worked until I put him in his car seat. That seems to have done the trick.”
“Hmm,” Charleigh hums. I picture her smiling. “Sounds like his tastes are as picky and particular as his parents’.”
“Yep.” I laugh. “How’s Santorini? Are you and Asher enjoying yourselves?”
“Yes, and it’s gorgeous,” she gushes. “Santorini is absolutely gorgeous, Jules. The plant life surrounding the whitewash buildings is breathtaking.”
Plants and flowers would be the first thing Charleigh mentions.
“We’re spending the day on the beach and then heading to a room we booked in the village of Oia. They say the sunset views from there are incredible. I’m pretty sure Asher will never want to go back to New York after today.”
“Who could blame him?” I mutter, sitting up with a sigh.
“I already thought he was insane for booking an entire month for our honeymoon. A month traveling all around Europe sounded exhausting and a little over the top. But now that it’s been two weeks, and we’re already halfway through it, I’m glad he convinced me.
The only difficult part is being away from my flower shops.
Especially with Selene being on maternity leave. ”
“If you want, I can stop by your shops tomorrow to check on them.”
“It’s okay. My staff is sending updates at the end of every day, and Asher would kill me if he even got the slightest inkling I’m micromanaging them from here.”
I laugh again, blowing a raspberry between my lips. “Asher’s one to talk. He’s the one you caught emailing a client the other day when you were about to go snorkeling.”
“You’re right.” She laughs again, then we sit in silence for a few seconds. “How are you doing?” she eventually asks.
“Fine.” I immediately regret the word the second it falls from my mouth. It’s a well-known fact the word fine in our friend group means we’re anything but fine.
I haven’t stopped thinking about Rome and how he seems to pop up everywhere. Just when I think he’s disappeared for good, he’s standing in front of me with that arrogant expression I’m certain he was born with.
Rome is a terrible disruption, even when I don’t expect him to be.
And being here with Luca isn’t helping distract me the way I’d hoped. To no fault of his own, considering he’s only about six weeks old, he’s only making it worse.
Irritation bubbles inside me, knowing this is exactly what Rome wants. To torture me.
“You’re lying, Jules.”
“It’s stupid.” I wave her off even though she can’t see me, still eyeing my gorgeous innocent nephew, sound asleep.
“Nothing going on in your life is stupid.”
I snort. “You’re assuming I have a life.”
“There it is!” Charleigh shrieks into the phone. “That’s it!”
“What is?”
“That…” Her voice levels, quickly replaced with worry and concern. “What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing.” I sigh. The irritation I feel for Rome turns to a heavy weight, dragging me down, as if a rope is wrapped tightly around my ankle, with a concrete brick tied to the other end.
“I don’t know. I guess I just feel like a lot has changed this past year.
I’m incredibly happy for everyone, but it’s all just happening so fast. You and Asher are married.
London and West are making up for all their lost years apart.
Selene and my brother are married with the most beautiful boy to ever exist. And I’m just…
” I allow my words to fade with the rest of my thoughts.
I can’t say much more. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t tell Charleigh over the phone.
My secrets will forever remain my secrets. I don’t have a choice.
“Like I said, it doesn’t matter, anyway,” I continue. “Life moves on. I have my health, my job, my charity work. I also have shopping.” I laugh, hoping to lighten the mood. I never have told her about the debt Rome continues to hang over my head.
“It’s been a while since we’ve talked about men,” she teases. “Have you been dating anyone or even… you know…”
“No.” I roll my eyes, smirking. “None of that. I have no interest in dating anyone, but I won’t lie, it’s been entirely too long since I’ve had sex. I guess that’s why toys were invented, right?”
Charleigh giggles. “Definitely.”
The idea of dating or fucking someone right now when Rome has this debt hanging over me, or the simple fact he appears to be absolutely nowhere but everywhere at the same time, sounds like the last thing I want.
I will never be able to move on when the past still clings to my back like a fucking leech.
“I know a lot has changed over the past year and a half,” Charleigh laments. “And you’re right, you have your health and your job. But you also still have us.”
“I know I do.”
“When Asher and I get back from our honeymoon, I think a girls’ night out will be long overdue. The men can have a boys’ night with Luca.”
I grin, only feeling a tad bit better. “Sounds perfect.”
“I love you, Jules.”
“I love you, too, Charleigh.” I’ve never had a better friend than I do her.
Of course, I’m close with Selene and London, but Charleigh has been my best friend for years, never seeing me for the money I have or the societal status my name holds.
But although Charleigh is practically the sister I never had, there’s still a whole life I’ve lived that she doesn’t know exists.
“Listen, Asher’s heading down the beach now. I’m going to see if he can carry me back to the room. I feel like I could pass out right here.”
“Good luck to Asher if he’s going to carry you through the sand.” I laugh. “I’ll talk to you later.”
“Love you,” she sings into the phone.
“Love you, too.” I raise my voice, and her laughter quickly fills the line as Asher clearly catches up to her.
I hang up and stare blankly at my feet still pressed into the foot of Luca’s car seat.
It’s stupid but I can’t get the sound of happiness in Charleigh’s’ voice out of my head. I’m incredibly happy for her. Her love story with Asher hasn’t been easy. They’ve had their fair share of struggles, but I can’t rid myself of this feeling: jealousy.
Jealousy for something I will never have.
I toss my phone onto the cushion beside me and place my hand over my stomach.
My fingers feather the emptiness, and when I turn my gaze to my nephew, pressure builds behind my eyes.
My throat swells, making it difficult to swallow.
Overcome, I sit up and scoop my nephew up into my arms, careful not to stir him too much, knowing it’s risky, but I need to hold him.
I cradle him in the crook of my arm. He keeps his eyes closed, and his full bottom lip sticks out.
His head turns, burying deeper into my hold.
Just before a tear falls, I snap my head up to the sound of my brother and sister-in-law coming through the front door.
They tiptoe quietly down the hallway before appearing in the living room. Selene’s hands are clasped in front of her as she admires the view.
“Oh, Jules.” She nudges my brother. “Quick, Holt. Take a picture.”
“What?” He looks at his wife, confused. Once he realizes what she means though, he’s scrambling to pull his phone from his pocket. “Oh, yeah, sure.”
He snaps a picture and then Selene starts to cross the room. I stand and pass her son into her arms. She gazes at him with wonder, booping him on the nose with the tip of her finger.
“You’re a wonderful mom, Selene,” I say, softly. “Luca is a lucky boy.”
She looks up, her lips parting into a soft smile. “He is a lucky boy. Especially when he has an aunt like you.”
The tear threatening to fall a few seconds ago finally does. It slips down my cheek, and I’m quick to wipe it away.
Selene uses her free arm to wrap her hand around mine. “Everything okay?”
“Of course.” I blink away more tears and cross the expansive living room to slip on my shoes and gather my keys and purse.
“Are you sure?” Selene asks.
“Yeah.” I inhale sharply. “Long day at work and then babysitting. Besides, I was just watching Titanic before Charleigh called, then you guys walked in. It was at the part where Jack dies, and I was just thinking about it again.”
“I can’t believe you still cry at that movie.” Holt snorts. “You’ve seen it a million times. You know every line, and the ending never changes.”
“Whatever, Holt.” I punch him in the arm before slipping on my other shoe, glancing between him and Selene. “How was your date?”
“Great.” Holt grins. “When I wasn’t needing to tell my wife to put her phone down to stop her from messaging you every second.”
“You’ll get better about it.” I glance at Selene before turning back to my brother. “Well, that’s what I suspect, anyway.”
“Hopefully.” Holt loosens his tie, getting comfortable. That’s my cue to leave.
“I should go.” I give my brother a quick hug goodbye, pecking him on the cheek.
“Hey, sorry London and I couldn’t go out with you this week,” Selene says. “We should plan a night out before Charleigh gets back. Then again when she’s home.”
“Sounds perfect.” I plaster on a smile, repeating the same response to Selene as I did Charleigh.
I blow a kiss to Selene and Luca before slipping out the door, only exhaling once I’m safely inside the elevator.
I lean against the mirrored wall and look up, closing my eyes.
I’m itching for something—something to happen, to change.
Over the years, I’ve searched for something that will make this feeling go away.
One that can erase my past and bring me happiness.
The occasional one-night stand.
A year of casual dating.
Some wanted to take it to the next level, only for me to back out before it got to that point.
Organizing and running charity fundraisers.
Shopping and going out.
Anything to fill this void. Anything to free me from this constant ache, even if it’s fleeting.
But in this moment, leaving my brother’s apartment alone, only one of those options feels like it might do the trick.
When I leave Holt and Selene’s building, my driver is waiting for me out front.
I slip into the backseat of my car and ask him to drop me off at home to change before taking me to the club closest to my apartment.
One I know he doesn’t own.
I’m not foolish, though. I know this will never end. He’ll never claim his debt, and I will never get what I want.
This is my life.