Chapter 20 #3
“Because I need to know how you truly feel. Not this version you’ve put on for the past ten years.
” I gesture toward her, waving my hand over her entire body.
“Before, when you hated me… at least then I knew it was the truth. When we fell in love, I knew that was the truth, too. But now, I have no fucking clue.”
“Fine, you want to know the truth about how I really feel?” She stiffens and rests her hand on the counter to support herself, her cheeks blushing.
“You make me feel like a toy you pick up whenever you feel like it, whether it’s to torture or fuck.
Then you toss me aside the second I’m no longer convenient or useful to you.
You hate me, you love me, then you hate me again.
The cycle never ends. Why don’t you just admit that your love for me will never be stronger than your hate? ”
“That’s not true, and you fucking know it.” I curl my hands into fists at my sides.
“I don’t know that, actually,” Her chin wobbles. “So, how about this? I’ll start talking when you start answering my questions. Starting with who is after us, and why?”
My eyes dart to my phone sitting face down on the counter that holds a library of messages from unknown numbers, all tracing back to Rhys O’Connell and the arrangement we had for years, as well as messages with Marcus, trying to prove how my father hired the men out to kill us.
Telling Julianna the truth would prove to her how I never truly stepped away from my birthright.
By trying to run from my past, I’ve only allowed it to determine my future.
I can’t bring myself to tell her the truth. As much as I want to, I can’t.
“Until then,” she continues, pulling my attention back to her, “I have nothing left to say to you. Let’s go back to the way the past eleven days have been.
No, in fact, let’s go back to the way the last ten years have been, with us hating one another, knowing it’s all we can do to survive being around each other. ”
“I don’t want to go back to that.” I close the distance between us. “I can’t. We can’t.”
Fuck, that feels good and right. The truth settles in my bones, reversing years of anguish and living in darkness.
Giving Julianna the silent treatment over the past eleven days after having touched her on the bridge changed everything.
I can’t go back to the way we were before this.
The pranks. The torture. The bitterness.
“You don’t mean that.”
“Yes, I do.”
“I never know when to believe you.” Her tone is quieter, and I know she’s pulling away from me.
I wrap my hands around hers once I’m close enough to keep her from slipping away entirely. I’m desperate to hold on. I cradle her hands between us, against my chest, forcing her to look me at me.
Her eyes search mine, and a million words are spoken in silence.
I hold my breath, waiting for her to say something, anything, but she steals the air from my lungs when she rips her hand from mine and takes several steps back, her shattered eyes spread wide.
“Do you miss us?” I ask. “Because I do.”
A tear slowly drips down her cheek, spilling onto her bottom lip. “I hate you.”
“I don’t hate you.”
An audible gasp rushes past her soft, full lips. Frozen, she stares at me as another tear spills over her dark lashes. “You hurt me, Rome. We were married and we lost our daughter. I was in agony.” Julianna sobs. “We can’t just get past it, thinking that pain will disappear.”
The salt she’s pouring into the wounds she’s created burns, but I know she’s in just as much agony as I am. We’ve both been existing in the same hurt.
“I know that pain will never disappear.” I breathe out, exasperated.
“But we were just kids, Lark. We had no business getting married when we did. You hurt me, so I hurt you.” Every memory of touching Julianna today crashes into me like I’ve been doused with a bucket of ice-cold water.
I’m waking the fuck up, and I can’t stop.
I don’t want to. I try to step closer to her, but she still backs away.
“But I swear to God or the Devil, whoever it is in the end who determines our fate past this miserable existence of ours, Lark, that I would never fucking do that again. I’ve regretted it ever since I went to Kiernan’s party that night.
It’s no excuse, but I was high and drunk out of my fucking mind.
I was heartbroken and shattered. I literally felt sick when Macy touched me, but I was blinded by rage.
All I knew was that I wanted to escape the fresh hell I was trapped in.
I couldn’t get you and that fucking asshole Will out of my mind.
All I could think about was his hands all over you, all over my wife.
A body that was only meant to be touched by these hands, no one else’s. ”
I raise my trembling hands, wishing I was wearing my wedding ring. The one tucked into the nightstand beside the bed upstairs, sitting beside Julianna’s. They’ve been left there all these years to collect dust, bearing the weight of our secrets and demons.
“Lark,” I continue, breathless, desperate for her to hear me out.
“One second with you, and I’m crumbling.
My hands ache to touch you, my lips ache to taste you.
I want to hear your voice, not only screaming my name but talking to me, like we used to.
I’ve tried to put distance between us these past eleven days, but watching you move around this house in your tight little, elaborate outfits, teasing the fuck out of me…
my entire body wants to explode. But it isn’t just your body that tortures me, Lark, it’s your silence. Your silence is my ruin.”
My pulse is racing and my palms are sweaty. Every thought I’ve had these past eleven days spills out of me in less than thirty seconds. My throat is dry, and I’m left with this hollow sensation that only Julianna can remedy.
“Rome…” My name falls from her in a strained whisper. “Every time I look at you, I think I’m drowning.”
Her words tear me apart. Although I deserve every attack, I won’t give up.
“If you think we can go back to the way things were after today, you’re out of your mind.”
I close the distance between us.
Feathering the back of my hand against her cheek forces her eyes to close.
Her long, dark lashes flutter, tears spilling out from under them.
She closes her mouth and inhales heavily through her nose.
Then she’s lifting her hand and wrapping it around mine, squeezing it before she looks up at me again and lowers it.
“I already feel like I’m out of my mind when I’m with you.” She slowly steps back until her heels hit the first step of the stairs. “But there’s so much still standing between us.”
She’s right. Aside from the pain we’ve both inflicted on each other, there’s still the secrets and lies.
The secret I was working with Rhys O’Connell to protect me from the retribution campaign my father has had on me since I turned him in.
I don’t know how to begin telling her, though.
All I know is that I haven’t truly hated Julianna since the day we met in the library.
I’ve only ever loved her since, and I’m tired of living the lie.
“Do you remember what I told you before our wedding ceremony?” I ask her.
Another tear slips from her beautiful blue eyes. She sniffs, presses her lips together and gives me a soft, subtle nod.
“I meant it then, and I still mean it now.”
She stares at me, refusing to refute what I’ve said, but I can sense her hesitancy. Her hesitancy to believe anything I’ve been telling her. Looking down at her bare feet, she tucks her hair behind her ear.
When she looks up, her mouth twitches. “Call me crazy, but I’m no longer hungry.”
Then she’s turning and walking up the stairs, taking my heart along with her.