From the Ashes

22. Jade

Jade

“He… He isn’t like that. Ty told me that he didn’t know.” Roxie tries again to calm me down and to convince me that Asher is one of the good ones.

Logically, I know he is. I know he’s worked hard to prove that. But seeing him hug Kyle… hearing him say that the demon I’ve been running from is Asher’s brother… Is there any way Asher might become like his brother? He might end up agreeing with what Hunter did. Would that mean he would start… A fresh round of tears fills my eyes as I bury my face in shame and despair.

I feel like I’ve lost my home. Lost my support system. It sounds stupid, but I feel like I’ve lost my family.

Roxie’s amazing. She took one look at my face as I stood at her door and immediately pulled me in. I told her through tears what happened, and she tried to bring me back to life. I was numb.

And I kind of miss the numbness because right now, all I can feel is heartache. My heart is breaking… no, actually—it’s broken.

It’s like Asher pulled my heart straight from my chest and now I just have an open, gaping wound killing me slowly. My cheeks haven’t been dry since before I walked into Roxie’s apartment.

“Jade,” Roxie plops on the couch next to me. Drawing my feet up, I hug my knees to my chest and rest my forehead on them. “The guy that you’ve known, that you love, that’s the real Asher. I’m sure he told you about his upbringing.” I nod and she continues, “Then you know why he’d never turn on you. He’d never be that evil.”

“How can you know that? Hunter is his brother. What if Hunter tells him I asked for it? That I wanted it? Would he believe him? And who am I? Just some girl. How can my word compete with Hunter’s?” I cry into my knees, sobbing uncontrollably. I feel an arm wrap around me and Roxie’s crying with me, softer than I am, but with no less feeling.

“I know it’s hard. I know it’s scary. But he’s a good guy, Jade. I promise. You’re just going to have to let him show you that he can be trusted,” she says against my shoulder. “Take tonight. Think it through, and then see what happens tomorrow.”

I nod, never pulling my head up, just letting the tears stream down my face.

A knock sounds at the door and we both jump. Sometimes I forget that Roxie has a past like I do. That she has the same fears, the same reservations, the same feeling of being constantly on guard. She’s so strong and outspoken, it’s easy to think she’d murder anyone who dare look at her sideways. And then in these little moments, I remember.

She’s scared, but never willing to let anyone except her close family see it.

I’m going to be like her. I have to be.

“I’ll get it,” she says, giving me a kind smile and nodding before patting my arm and standing to open the door. The way she’s standing blocks my view so I can’t see who it is. I have a pretty good idea, though.

There are only two people I know who would think to come here this late at night. Especially after what went down earlier.

“Tell me she’s here,” Asher bellows. He sounds desperate, worried out of his mind and hopeful all at the same time.

“She’s here.” Roxie pops a hip and shifts slightly so I can see him, and he can see me, but she doesn’t drop her arm. Her message is crystal clear.

“Jade, thank god,” Asher breathes the words out in a sigh of relief. I can see his clothes are askew, as if he’s been in a fight. There’s a deep purple bruise forming around his eye that makes it look like he might have broken his nose. Asher rests his arms on the door frame, not trying to push inside, just resting like he was terrified that I went somewhere else. “I was so worried. Ty told me what you heard and saw and—” Asher tries to explain, but I just know I can’t hear it right now.

Standing, I turn my back on him and high-tail it to Roxie’s office. It’s basically a junk drawer if a junk drawer was a room. She throws everything that she doesn’t know what to do with into that room.

Luckily for me, she also keeps an old futon in there that I can lay on and hide under a blanket until I’m ready to face the world.

“You’ve gotta give her time, Asher. I honestly don’t know how I would’ve reacted if it had happened to me,” I hear Roxie tell him. I don’t know if she’s intentionally speaking louder so I can hear what they’re saying, or the walls really are that ridiculously thin. I appreciate it either way.

“Fuck,” he sighs nosily. I can imagine that he’s running his hands through his hair. “I really fucked up… I didn’t know, Roxie. I swear, I didn’t know.”

“So, you’re saying it’s just a coincidence that her fucking rapist—the fucking snake who haunts her dreams—is your brother? And you met her that same night?” Roxie sounds like she’s holding back a scoff. “There’s no such thing as coincidences.”

“Normally I’d agree with you, but I swear on everything I fucking own, this is exactly that . I was thinking about it on the way over here. Kyle invited me to that party over the summer. He had just finished his tattoo and told me there’d be free drinks, so I went. I knew that if Kyle was going, there was a good chance Hunter would go too, but I never saw him until the end. As he was leaving.” He’s speaking quickly, making sure that the dots connect. “I saw Kyle and Hunter walking away, looking like they did some shady shit. That’s when I went downstairs to make sure there wasn’t a fucking dead body or a pile of drugs, but it was worse—I found Jade. I should’ve put two-and-two together right then. I should’ve known, but I never thought Hunter would cross that line. I never thought to even ask him. There’s a silence as Roxie takes in what he said.

“Fuck, Asher! What happened to your knuckles?” Roxie cries and I hear him scuffle inside the apartment. She’s banging around the kitchen looking for the first aid kit she never keeps in the same place.

“I beat them up. Basically water-boarded Kyle and hit Hunter so badly that Ty dropped him at the ER.” Asher’s voice reveals he is wincing and Roxie growls. She must be cleaning his knuckles.

He did that for me?

Why?

“Fuck. That must have felt good, though. I know how you feel about shitty people like that,” Roxie stresses but I can hear in her voice she’s distracted. “What did you do?”

Asher shuts her down. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Damn,” she curses. “There, all wrapped up.”

“Thanks.” He sighs. “Is she okay?” Asher asks, quieter, but it’s kind of amazing how noises travel in this apartment. No wonder Roxie didn’t want us to have sex here while she was home. You can hear everything.

“She’s shaken. It’s a lot, Ashe. Borderline too much.” Roxie sighs. “I think she’s struggling with both the fear that you might agree with Hunter at some point?—”

Roxie’s cut off by Asher. “Never. I’ll never agree with him,” he snarls.

“I know,” Roxie insists with a tilt to her voice like she’s annoyed. “But I can’t say that if I was in her shoes, I wouldn’t have the same fear.”

Asher starts to chime in again, but Roxie cuts him off.

“She’s also feeling betrayed. I think she knows you didn’t hide it intentionally, but watching you hug the guy that drugged her, acting all buddy-buddy… Yeah, I could see why she’s feeling that way.”

Asher sighs loudly. They’re both quiet for a moment before there’s a loud bang accompanied by a cry of outrage by Roxie.

“The fuck, Asher?! That was my drywall!” she yells.

“I’m sorry, I’ll fix it.” Asher sounds a mix of overly apologetic, exhausted, and frustrated. “Okay, I’ll give her some space.” He sighs heavily before pleading with Roxie, “Please, don’t let her go back to the dorms. I don’t want her near them at all until I can make sure they keep their word.”

“She’s going to stay with me. I’m actually going to ask if she wants to move in. The office is empty,” she shares and I peak my head out of the blanket, looking around at the mountains of piles. This room is anything but empty. “And it would be nice to have some help with the rent on the slower months at the shop. Plus, I like Jade. She’s a good one and a bad bitch. I think we’d do well living together.”

“I think that’s a good idea,” Asher replied, but then says, “until she starts living with me.”

Roxie laughs abruptly. “You’re pushing for that?”

“I will be. As soon as all this Hunter shit is over. She’s it for me, Roxie.”

My breath catches under the blanket when I hear that. He sounds so resolute. Like there is absolutely no room for discussion or second thoughts. I guess that makes sense; he always seemed to make decisions and stick to them. No matter what happens.

I guess this time, the choice he’s sticking to is me.

“Well,” Roxie sighs and I can hear the smile in her voice. “I think she’ll be very glad to hear that. Just… give her some time to sort through all the stuff going through her head. You better fucking step up to the plate though, Asher. You’ve got some groveling and trust-earning to do.”

“I know.”

They chat about when Asher can come over to fix the hole he apparently made in her wall and then he leaves. The front door closes and I burrow deeper into the fuzzy blanket, intent on blocking out the world so I can rest. I just… want to sleep.

“Jade? Are you in there?” Roxie’s voice sounds far away, and I don’t have the energy to answer her. “It’s okay, just sleep,” she tells me and her permission to sleep makes me fall deep into the dark abyss.

* * *

Three Days Later

“Jade, you have to get out of that room. Even just for a moment so I can clean it out more. It’s a shithole in there!” Roxie bangs on the door, her words loud but not pushing me like she thinks they will.

It’s been at least three days since I ventured out of the room for anything except to use the bathroom. My stomach has long since stopped growling. I’m sure I smell fucking horrible, but I just can’t find it in myself to care.

“Jade, come on. Talk to me,” Roxie pleads through the door. There’s about two minutes of silence before she knocks again and shouts, “That’s it. I’m counting to three and I’m coming in.” Anxiety spikes through my system, but there isn’t really anything I can do. I plan to just stay curled under the blanket and hope she leaves.

“One!” Roxie starts counting, “Two, Three!” Then the door opens quickly.

“Jade,” she says softly, walking over to me before I hear her kneel by the futon. “Jade, this isn’t healthy. I tried to let you do your thing, but I’m worried.”

Silence. I can’t answer her.

“Have you eaten? Showered?”

I don’t answer her. I can’t find my voice or my will.

“Maybe I should call Asher,” she says softly to herself and my chest tightens in anxiety. “He’ll know what to do.”

“I…” I croak out, my voice hoarse after days of no use.

“There’s a water bottle over there, let me get it.” Roxie steps to the side before coming back to my side and gently pulling the blanket away. “Here.”

I take a small sip and hand it back to her.

“I think it’s time I call Asher.”

“No,” I whisper. He can’t see me like this. So defeated and broken.

“Okay.” She nods, then stands and grabs a couple boxes before walking to the door. “I have a shift at the shop. I’ll be back later, okay? Please try to eat something at the very least.”

She leaves the door open, I’m sure in hopes that I leave to find food.

I lay back down and close my eyes. I’ll figure it out later.

* * *

“Jade, baby,” a soft voice whispers. A warm hand rests against my head, pushing my hair back. “Oh god, baby. This is my fault, I’m so sorry.”

“Asher?” My voice is still shaky and hoarse, and my vision isn’t completely stable as my eyes open. Is he really here? Or am I just hallucinating?

“I’m here, darlin’. I’m here.” He pulls the blanket back farther, letting a cool draft of fresh air wash over me. “I know I said I’d give you some time, and I did my best, but when Roxie said you hadn’t left the room in days, I got worried. With good reason, it seems like.”

He looks so fucking handsome. His stubble is perfect, his hair is shiny and glossy. He’s let it air dry and that makes his natural curls look luscious. Makes me want to run my fingers through it. It’s not fair that he looks so good while I’m sure I look like a greasy, nasty mole rat.

I smell and I look atrocious, so I do the very mature thing and try to pull the blanket back over my head. If I can’t see him, then maybe he can’t see me and he’ll leave.

“Oh no, no, no,” he argues and pulls the blanket back. “We’re getting you in the bath right now. While you’re taking a bath, I’m going to make you something to eat.”

“Don’t want to.” All that sounds like so much work. So much work and so much effort when I can’t even lift my head.

“I know,” he says softly. And before I know it, he’s lifting me into his arms and carrying me to the bathroom.

“Please, no,” I whine, but can’t find it in myself to push his arms away.

“Jade, let me take care of you. I know I messed up. I know that what you’ve gone through is overwhelming and more than anyone should ever have to, and I’m so fucking sorry for the part I played in it. Let me take care of you, like I’ve always wanted and tried to do.” He sounds so sincere as he whispers the words while we walk towards Roxie’s bathroom. My gaze falls over his shoulder and I see some boxes from the office in the hallway, like Roxie’s been sneaking in and pulling them out one by one to give me space.

Oddly, I feel very appreciative of that.

He pushes the bathroom door open with his foot and moves me sideways inside the small room. Without any help from me, he somehow holds me and turns the hot water on. He’s so strong; if I was in my right mind I would’ve fucking swooned.

Hopefully I’ll get the opportunity later, when I’m not drowning in emotions.

Hot steam starts to fog up the room as Asher sets me on the sink, holding me until he’s sure that I’m not going to fall. His arms are like soft guardrails, making sure I’m safe. Always looking out for me when I can’t anymore.

“Do you need help getting undressed or can you do it?” he asks me gently. “I don’t want to overstep here, baby, but you can’t get into the shower with clothes on.”

“It’s fine,” I say numbly.

“You need to say what you want. What you’re okay with. I’m never going to cross a line you don’t want me to. Ever.” He leans his head down so that he’s looking me in the eye. “Do you understand?”

I nod.

“Do you believe me?” Asher asks, his voice breaking slightly. Normally, he’d look me clearly in the eyes, making me be the one to back down with his seductive eyes and confidence. Not now, though; now he’s looking down and holding his breath.

He’s worried that I don’t believe him. That I can’t trust him anymore.

And that kind of pulls me out of this… void.

Slowly, I move my hand and tip his chin so his eyes meet mine.

“I do.” My hand drops, but I make sure that my eyes don’t. I know I trust him. At least with this. With me.

Asher takes a deep, steadying breath. It’s strong, but shaky. Nodding, his hands touch my arms gently, slipping up with intention. I watch through hooded eyes, still so fucking exhausted. It’s obvious he’s touching me slowly so I know where he’s going to go and where his hands are, giving me plenty of time to move away if I don’t feel comfortable.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know if I could move. I don’t think I want to, either.

His hands move up my arms, over my shoulders and start to pull up my well-worn shirt that I think is actually his. It’s big and baggie and slips easily over my head, leaving me in only my sports bra.

“You haven’t eaten?” he asks gently, though his worry is apparent. His eyes are moving over my body, and he wraps his hand around my wrist. I don’t answer, because he already knows. So why should I spend my very finite energy answering him?

“God, baby,” he mutters. “I should’ve taken care of you better. Roxie said she was, but now I know she wasn’t really. Not like I would’ve.”

“Asher,” I say with a tilt, dragging his name out.

“No, Jade. I should’ve been here the next day and demanded that you eat. Sleep. Hydrate. You could’ve taken all the time you needed, but I should have taken care of you and I failed. I’m so sorry,” he apologizes quickly, moving me so that I’m standing with my legs locked out while he pulls my shorts down.

“I’m going to leave your underwear on, and when you get into the bath you can take them off, okay?” he says gently, and puts his hands on my hips to steady me. He looks me right in the eye while moving his hands under the band of my bra. He quickly and clinically pulls my bra off.

Asher keeps his eyes on mine, refusing to let his gaze drop.

“Don’t fall, okay?” He raises his eyebrows and nods when I don’t move. He turns around and shuts the bath off, checking the temperature before pouring some soap in. “Here,” Asher says, holding his hand out for me to take.

He gingerly moves me into the tub and, oh my god, the warm water feels so amazingly good. It’s like every ache, every bad thing, seems to just slip away. Leaving my body and being replaced with warmth and care.

“Is it okay? Not too hot?” Asher asks kindly, lowering onto his knees by my head.

“‘S perfect,” I slur, the warmth making me fuzzy and sleepy again.

“Don’t fall asleep, Jade.” His voice is so commanding and soothing at the same time. I know he means business, but he also doesn’t want to push me too much. “I mean it.”

“I won’t,” I reply, but at the same time my eyes are already slipping closed.

“Jade,” he snaps and my eyes jump open, looking at him. Asher’s eyes are wide with concern and it’s so adorable. He falls back on his butt, sitting beside my head as I lay back in the tub, and shakes his head. “I guess you’re not getting food until you’re done in the bath,” he mutters.

“You do not need to stay here,” I protest softly. I don’t want him to feel like he has to babysit me, but I won’t lie, I want him here. I want him by my side, no matter what.

“I know.” Asher leans his elbows on the edge of the tub, resting his chin on his folded arms. “But I want to be with you. Four days is too long to be without you, darlin’.”

I don’t say anything. Because while I agree, these past few days have been torture without him—for a multitude of reasons—there’s still so much we need to discuss. So much that needs to be said and worked through.

I shift uncomfortably and the water splashes around me, warming me in places that aren’t submerged yet. My nipples pebble and I gasp.

“Jade, I’m sorry about what happened,” Asher says sincerely, looking at me with those beautiful blue eyes. “I promise you, though, it’s not what it looked like. Kyle…” He sighs and sits up straighter. “Kyle has always been a kiss-ass to me for some reason, but he tipped amazingly well. He never acted as fucking crazy as he actually is in front of me. Kyle’s always wanted to be on my good side, so that’s why he said those things. I could not give one fuck about him and his feelings, though.

I turn my head to face him slowly. “But he’s best friends with your…” I swallow loudly, trying not to throw up at the thought. “...brother.”

“They’ve been friends since high school. Same as Ty and I. So, when Ty came in and knocked the fuck out of him, I knew he had a good reason. And when I heard the reason, I almost fucking killed him.”

“What?” I whisper. I heard, or overheard , that he retaliated but I had no clue what he actually did… And immediately, I’m filled with guilt. He’s burning bridges with people who are like family… for me.

“When I found out what he and my brother did, I lost my shit. Even when I used to fight, I’d never, ever, been as close to killing someone as I was that night. The only thing holding me back was how you’d feel about it. I didn’t know if I could look you in the eye again knowing I’d killed someone. Even if that person deserved it.” Asher doesn’t mince words and I inspect his facial expression, his eyes, his mannerisms, for any kind of guilt or remorse.

I find nothing.

In fact, the fire in his eyes almost makes him look angry. Angry and revengeful.

“Asher, he’s your brother.”

“I don’t give one single fuck if he’s my brother. I did my best to raise him to be a decent person, not a rapist. To not treat women, men—fuck, anyone—like that. The empathy and compassion stick never hit him on the back of the fucking head and it shows. I don’t care if I ever see him again. I’ll never forgive him for what he did to you. Ever.” He sounds like he has thought this through, not like it’s a spur of the moment decision.

I know how close we are, how much we love each other, but I don’t want to cause him any pain just because I’m hurting. My chest feels tight and my eyes sting as I try to hold back the forming tears, but I don’t want to let them fall.

“For the rest of his life, everyone will know what he did,” Asher explains sternly. “What kind of person he is.”

I paused, suspicious of that statement. “What does that mean?”

“After we ‘exchanged words’...” His nostrils flare and he clenches his teeth. Whatever his brother said really, really pissed him off. “I knocked his ass out and tattooed what he really is on his stomach. Any time he tries to pick up a girl, she’ll see what he’s done and hopefully get the hell away from him.”

Jolting upright, the water splashes around me. My eyes widen and I grab his hands. What has he done? Fuck, he’s going to lose the shop. There’s no way Hunter doesn’t try to sue or have Asher arrested. There’s no way Hunter doesn’t try to get revenge.

“What have you done?” I whisper.

“I protected what is mine,” he replies plainly, the words loaded with meaning.

“You’ve jeopardized everything you built.”

“I’d do it again.”

“You’re crazy,” I say shakily, holding a wet hand to my head.

“I prefer obsessed.” He quirks an eyebrow, smiling cockily before pressing a soft, light kiss to the hand that’s holding his. “I told you; I will always take care of you. However you need me to.” Asher purses his lips and raises his eyebrows.

He’s so unaffected. My guilt gnaws at me tenfold now.

I shake my head vehemently. “I can’t let you walk away from your family because of me, Asher.”

He sits up, leans over the tub and takes my face in his hands. I have no choice but to look at him. His eyebrows pull down as his lips open. He looks so desperate, so sad.

“Do you really think any family I have would be more important to me than you? You and I, we make our own little family. And some day, we’ll have kids of our own and be an even bigger family. You, Jade, are more important to me than anything. My business, my shitty family, whatever else comes our way. I choose you. I choose you every time. You are more important. Your feelings and protection matter more to me. Do you understand?”

I wrap my hands around his wrists, and a tear slips down my cheek.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see him. There will never be a time that I’ll be able to be in the same room as him. As a brother-in-law, as your brother. I don’t ever want to see him.”

“I don’t either,” Asher replies, nodding without hesitation. “Seriously, fuck that guy.”

“Fuck that guy,” I repeat with a watery laugh. It feels good to let some of this emotion out. Asher rests his forehead against mine and he chuckles softly with me.

It feels like we’re on the same page.

Finally, I can breathe again.