30. Phoenix
Phoenix
A fter the longest two hours of my life, Walker climbs back into my truck wearing a huge grin, and my stomach finally drops out of my throat. I could see the playground where the meeting took place, but it was too far away to be able to tell who was who or how it was going.
His mood has done a full one hundred and eighty degree turn and I hope like hell I don’t ruin it.
“He’s such a cool little kid,” Walker beams proudly. “Alexis has done an amazing job. I think you’d really like her. It’s hard not to like Lexi,” he rambles. “I told her about you.”
I throw the truck in reverse and slowly start backing up. “What exactly did you tell her?” I’m merely curious, but he must interpret it as panic.
“Relax, just that I’m staying with you,” he says with a bite.
“Hey,” I respond, automatically reaching for his hand, but quickly covering up the move by changing course and adjusting the air dial before making contact.
“You can tell her whatever you want. I was just curious.” My response is meant to calm his ire, but I’m not sure it worked.
He changes the subject, but keeps talking.
I imagine it’s a lot to process.
“Colton asked if he could come see the horses. I hope it’s okay that I said yes.”
“Of course it’s okay.” I want to say it’s your house too , but then I remember, it isn’t. He’s leaving in a few short weeks.
Walker talks the entire ride back to the house. He’s buzzing with excitement and I’m so happy for him I could burst.
When he pauses to take a breath, I ask a few questions to understand the situation better.
“So, if you and Alexis went to high school together, how did you not know she didn’t go through with it?”
“She moved to live with her aunt when her dad lost his job. He was a drunk and it was a miracle he’d even gotten one in the first place.
He was angry all the time and terribly unreliable.
Her parents could barely afford to feed her, so I didn’t think anything of it when she said she was leaving.
We stayed in touch for a little bit via text and phone calls, but after I won the championship, my entire life became training and competing.
I only finished high school because my dad required it. ”
“How did she react to seeing you again?” I hope like hell he can’t hear the tone of insecurity in my voice.
It’s completely fucked up, anyway. What if she wants to rekindle things?
That would be great for all of them. Walker seems to genuinely care for her, and Colton would have a complete family.
Even if he’s gay, I can see Walker denying himself in an effort to be there for them. Pain lances my heart.
“She was happy, I think. She looked much better, healthier, than the last time I saw her. She hugged me like we’d never missed a beat and I only cried for a second as I told her how sorry I was.
The whole meeting was easier than I expected, but when I first saw Colton, I wanted to fall to my knees and beg for forgiveness.
I had fully planned on ending his life. Seeing him so tall and vibrant and alive…
hearing his laugh…it stole the breath from my lungs.
He loved the horse by the way, so, uh, thanks for that,” he finally pauses and takes a breath.
“I’m glad it went well.” I wish my voice didn’t sound so flat, but thankfully, Walker’s too keyed up to notice. In fact, he’s still talking as I pull into my driveway.
I’m grateful when my phone dings telling me I have a text message just to give me a reprieve from his happiness. Ugh. I am happy for him, but his happiness just makes my own misery stand out even more.
I know he thinks I’m being ridiculous about our situation.
I know I’ve hurt him by telling him no…hell, I’ve hurt myself too.
But one of us has to think about his future realistically, and it obviously isn’t going to be him.
I spend a solid five minutes trying to justify my actions to myself when the fucking devil on my shoulder puts in his two cents, trying to weaken my resolve.
You haven’t gone through even half of what he’s been through.
You think he’s being reckless, but what if he has a better grasp on what he wants than you do?
Great, my selfish side is making better arguments than my rational side, and that doesn’t bode well for anyone.
Shoving all those thoughts to the back of my mind, I pull out my phone, hoping it’s one of the guys. I could use some space from Walker as we both enter the house.
A text from Knox makes me smile.
Knox:
Grab your shit and meet us at the dock. Boat leaves in thirty.
But his next one makes me frown.
Knox:
Bring Walker.
Phoenix:
No.
Knox:
Yes.
Phoenix:
NO.
Knox:
Then you can’t come.
Phoenix:
WTF? Are you serious right now?
Knox:
Yup.
I regret telling Knox that Walker and I had briefly made out. He could tell I was seriously distracted when I got to the fire station on Friday and needing to tell someone, I spilled my fucking guts.
In true Knox fashion, he told me to get my head out of my ass which just served to piss me off.
He doesn’t understand what Walker will lose if we pursue this.
Not to mention, I’m still trying to scale my own walls and figure out how to connect with someone again.
Just because his words soothed the ache in my soul doesn’t mean I can erase the last eight years of keeping people at arm’s length.
But it’s Walker. It’s always been instinct with him…and I don’t have to work on letting him in. He’s already there.
Okay shoulder demon, enough from you.
Phoenix:
You’re an asshole.
Knox:
Never claimed to be anything else. See you both soon.
Well, fuck.
I could just not go, but of course the masochistic glutton in me wants to soak up the sun on the water with my friends and a beer…and a shirtless Walker.
I’m so fucked.
This feels like an ambush and yet, I call out to Walker who’s in the kitchen, rooting around my fridge. He was probably so nervous this morning he didn’t eat much.
“Hey, uh, Walker?” Christ, even saying his name turns me on.
“Yeah?” Even in this one short word, I can tell how much easier he’s breathing now that the meeting’s over.
“Knox and the guys are taking his boat out. You want to come along?”
He peers at me around the door. “Do you want me to come along?”
Oh, for fuck’s sake.
I answer him with another question. “Do you have a bathing suit?”
“Oh, uh, no,” he says, finally shutting my refrigerator once it starts beeping at him.
“It’s fine. I’ve got one you can borrow. Grab something to eat and then meet me upstairs.”
A few minutes later, I’m rooting through my drawers when Walker turns into my room, and it suddenly feels too hot.
Like the fact that the two of us are in a room that also contains a bed automatically means we’re going to have sex.
I pull harder than necessary on the next drawer handle and the whole drawer falls out, nearly catching my toe in the process.
An embarrassed squeak escapes as I pluck a pair of teal swim trunks from the top of the pile and throw them at Walker. “Here.” After sliding my drawer back on the tracks, I turn to find him still standing in my room. “Well, go change. There’re no facilities at the marina.”
Pink tints his cheeks.
“I still can’t work the button on my jeans,” he reminds me.
“Right.” I wave my hand toward the end of my bed. “Sit.”
I pull his boots off like I’ve done before and set them to the side before moving on to his jeans. “Stand,” I command, staying with one syllable words. He has his button down tucked in and it’s in my way, so I start pulling the fabric out of his waistband and hand it to him to hold.
The only problem is that once it’s in his grip, his stomach is bare and there’s no way to prevent my knuckles from grazing his dark brown happy trail as I work the button free.
His harsh exhale hits my skin and his stomach muscles contract, making his already visible abs pop even more.
I pause to collect myself before sliding his zipper down with a shaking hand. My breathing is ragged and the air around us is charged with so much electricity we might start a fire.
“Phoenix.” My name is a wrecked plea on his lips. “Please stop fighting this. I’m begging you.”
I close my eyes, my hand still resting on his zipper when my phone dings in rapid fire. Blowing out a breath, I pull it from my back pocket.
Jake:
Dylan and I are grabbing the liquor. Anybody want anything out of the ordinary?
Hudson:
Vodka’s fine with me as long as you bring a mixer. I got pizza. Phoe, you good on gas duty?
Knox:
He’s good.
Hudson:
Are Dylan and Walker coming? What does Walker eat on his pizza? Shan and Monica are taking the kids to the aquarium for the day so I’m coming alone.
Phoenix:
Vodka is fine. Walker’s coming per Knox’s demands.
“What do you like on your pizza?” I ask the man in front of me. Right in front of me since I haven’t taken a step back yet.
“I’m good with anything,” he replies, reaching forward with a tentative hand to hook his left index finger through my belt loop.
Phoenix:
He’ll eat whatever you show up with.
Jake:
Aw, everyone will be paired off! Maybe Knox and Hud can take a wild ride on the gay side.
Dylan:
What happens on the boat, stays on the boat.
Knox:
You two are uninvited.
Hudson:
Are you saying you don’t find me attractive, Knox?
Knox:
Hud, you’re also not getting on this boat.
Hudson:
And miss watching Phoenix’s reaction to Walker all afternoon? I don’t fucking think so.
Phoenix:
The fuck are you talking about?
Jake:
Dude, it’s so obvious you wanna blow him.
Been there, done that , I think to myself.
Phoenix:
You guys are fucking idiots. Keep your ridiculous opinions to yourself.
Hudson:
OooOo someone’s testy.
Phoenix:
I swear to God, Hudson, I will drown you.
Knox:
Will you girls shut the fuck up and get to the marina already? We’re losing daylight.
Pocketing my phone, I look up and realize Walker read the entire exchange.