33. Walker
Walker
I t’s another week before Alexis and Colton are free to come over, but in that time, Phoenix and I have really settled into a rhythm. With no expiration date looming over our heads, there’s been more breathing room, even if I still have a lot of things to work through.
Like finding a coach.
Like telling my parents I’m gay, I have a boyfriend, I have a son, and I’m not coming home.
Like figuring out how to tell my sponsors Phoenix and I are together so they don’t hear it from some scandalous tabloid.
But neither Phoe nor I want to discuss the dirty details so soon. The bubble of bliss we’ve created for ourselves is too warm and cozy.
Phoenix has been working at the fire station a lot this week.
With one of the full-time guys on vacation and an increase in fire danger due to high winds, he’s been asked to cover a couple of shifts.
He looks exhausted and yesterday, he took a nap…
which he never does. I feel a little guilty about having Alexis and Colton come over today, knowing Phoe needs a day to relax, but he assured me it was fine.
Only, now I’m wondering if he regrets it as I pace back and forth in the living room, anxiously waiting to hear her car pull up.
“Baby,” he says, reaching his arms forward, snagging my left wrist as I pass in front of him for the nineteenth time. “Come here.”
I let him pull me down onto his lap as if I weigh nothing. He buries his face in my neck, kissing me on the sensitive spot I—incorrectly—thought was just a turn-on for girls, and instantly, I relax.
Right until I hear the car approaching.
“Oh shit, they’re here.” I bolt off Phoenix’s lap, laughing nervously. “You don’t happen to have another stuffed animal, do you? Fuck, why am I just now thinking about that? I should have prepared better!”
Phoenix disappears into the kitchen and comes back a minute later with a shot glass and a tray of… “Are those horse-shaped sugar cookies?” I ask in disbelief.
“Here,” he says, thrusting the shot at me. “Drink this.” I throw it back, letting the burn soothe my nerves. “Good boy. Now, take these cookies and offer them to our guests when they arrive.”
Our guests.
The way Phoenix has just accepted this and is willingly stepping into the potential chaos I’m bringing into his life is unexpected in the best way.
How is he so fucking good at this?
When did he have time to make these?
Why does he have a horse-shaped cookie-cutter? And why didn’t I think to do it?
I’m starting to spiral again .
My throat now burns for a reason that has nothing to do with the liquor I just downed, and I’m trying to pull myself together, but failing.
“Hey,” Phoenix says, wiping his thumb under my eye. “Cowboys don’t cry.”
“This one does.” I laugh and wipe my eyes. “Thank you, Phoe.”
He plants a gentle kiss on my lips and I melt under his touch.
“ Fuuuck ,” he groans. “Your lips are sinful, DeVille.”
It’s not the first or even the second time Phoenix has mentioned my lips. I think they might be his favorite part of my anatomy. He leans back in, pulling my bottom one into his mouth and sucking not-so-gently this time.
At the sound of slamming car doors, we break apart, and he gives me a reassuring nod. “I’ll wait here until you’re ready.”
Taking a deep breath, I steady myself and head for the front door with the plate of sugar cookies in my hands.
My lips part in a genuine smile when I see Alexis, and the grin only widens when Colton pops out of his booster seat in the back, waving enthusiastically.
“Hi, Mr. DeVille!” he yells, causing a burning sensation in my chest. Although Alexis and I agreed not to tell him I’m his dad just yet, I still wanted him to call me Walker, but Alexis said that would be confusing to him because he isn’t allowed to call other adults by their first names. Reluctantly, I agreed.
“Colton! Hey, buddy!” I don’t mean to crowd them, but I can’t help myself. I’m down the steps of the front porch in a flash. “Hey, Alexis. Thank you for bringing him out here today.”
She greets me with a warm smile. “It’s all he’s been talking about since you mentioned there were broncos here.” Her eyes flit to the plate in my hand. “You bake?” she asks, a tone of amusement accentuated by a brow raise.
Subconsciously, I rub the back of my neck with my injured hand.
“Oh, uh, no. Phoenix made these. Can Colt have one?”
“Mom, please? ” he whines, looking up at his mother with rueful eyes.
He’s missing a front tooth and he’s hard to say no to.
He’s a beautiful kid. Shy until he’s been around you for a few minutes and then wide open and smart as a whip.
He has the best features from Alexis and I, and although I haven’t been present in his life, it’s hard not to feel pride at the little person my DNA helped create.
“Yes, honey. You can have a cookie, but what do you say?”
“Thank you, Mr. DeVille.”
“Anytime. Why don’t you guys come on in? You can put your stuff down and meet Phoenix. He’ll be joining us at the barn because I really need both hands to be able to control the horses, and I’m down to one,” I say, holding up my brace even though Alexis already knows the story.
They follow me up the porch steps and into the house where Phoenix has changed out of his workout shorts and into a pair of faded, worn Wranglers.
I make introductions, my heart beating a thousand beats a minute. I want them to like each other, but I needn’t worry…everyone likes Phoenix.
Alexis looks a little starstruck. Not because she’s that into the rodeo scene, but because Phoenix is just that fucking sexy. A black t-shirt is stretched across his chest and it hangs loose at his waist as he extends his hand for Alexis to shake and gives Colton a high-five.
Phoenix is such a natural at this that Colton takes to him immediately and a pang of jealousy reverberates through me as my kid peppers Phoenix with questions as we walk around the barn.
Alexis nudges my shoulder. “Phoenix doesn’t have the added pressure of wanting Colt to like him.
He’s able to relax and just engage without reading into everything.
You’ll get there,” she says kindly as Phoenix looks back at us before saying to Colton, “It’s okay with me.
Ask your mom and d…Walker, uh, Mr. DeVille. ”
Phoenix’s eyes go wide at the blunder, but Colton doesn’t even notice.
“Mom! Mr. Harding said I could ride one of the tame horses. Pleeeeeaseee. Can I?”
Phoenix cuts in with a few more details before Alexis can answer.
“Roxy is eighteen-years-old. She doesn’t get spooked and I’d put my own kid on her. I’ll have the lead line so Colton just has to hold on to the horn on the saddle, and we won’t do more than walk.”
Alexis nods. “Sure. I know he’ll love that.”
“Can I help you put the saddle on?” Colton asks Phoenix, excitedly.
As the two of them head off to the tack room to gather what they need, Alexis turns to me. “He reminds me a lot of you when you were little. He’s not usually so forthcoming with his emotions, but he really likes horses.”
The organ in my chest swells and my damn tears are back. I swipe at them quickly and lead Alexis toward the riding ring. There’s a picnic table under a tree off to the side, so we take a seat and wait for Phoenix and Colton.
“You know, Lexi, I think I’m going to stay in North Carolina…permanently.”
She’s silent for a beat and then her eyes find mine. “What about Texas? Your career? ”
An idea actually came to me early this morning when I was wrapped in Phoenix’s arms, but I haven’t had a chance to talk to him about it yet, so my response is vague for now.
“I’ll still compete. I’ll just train up here.
I won’t abandon you guys again, Lex. It almost killed me the first time,” I admit.
She and I didn’t really get into the morbid details of our relationship, and we definitely haven’t talked about the night my son and I almost left this Earth together, so my words come as a shock to her.
“Walker, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I didn’t want you to give up your dreams, and kids were never part of your plan. Hell, we were just kids ourselves.”
Her words make me freeze.
Every time someone called me a kid I lashed out, but hearing it come from Alexis just now, and after interacting with Colton who is almost half the age I was when Phoenix and I hooked up that first time, ice hits my veins.
How would I feel if my barely eighteen-year-old son was sexually active with a twenty-year-old?
It dawns on me, in this moment, how lucky I was that Phoenix took care of me.
That he was gentle and not on some ego trip to pound my ass as hard as he could.
It’s in this moment I realize how desperate and reckless I was that night.
And finally, I understand why Phoenix was so upset with himself—and with me—in the aftermath.
“Walker?” Alexis’s voice reaches my ears and finally the ringing in them subsides.
I hadn’t even realized that Phoe and Colton entered the ring.
When my eyes swim into focus, I’m staring at Phoenix.
My boyfriend. The man I almost destroyed.
The man who could very well destroy me. The man who is leading my son around on the back of his horse, telling him to wave at me and Alexis as they pass by.
“He’s good with kids,” Alexis muses, and suddenly, I’m ready to rip this Band-Aid off. I know what I want, and for the first time in my life, I think I can have it all.
“Lexi, I, uh, I need to tell you something.”
She currently has her phone out and is taking pictures of Phoenix and Colton as they make the rounds. She doesn’t look at me when she answers. “What’s up?”
“I’m, um, actually with Phoenix.”
She’s still taking pictures, not really understanding what I’m saying. “I know. It’s really nice of him to let you stay here while you get everything sorted out.”
“No, Lex.” I grab her hand to lower her phone and turn her attention toward me. “I mean we’re together together. As in, a couple. I’m gay.”
“Oh… oh! ” she exclaims as it finally registers.
“Yeah.”
I can tell she’s fighting a smile, but ultimately, she loses, and the grin makes her dimples pop. “Well, I must admit, you have excellent taste,” she giggles. “How long have you known?”
This is the hard part.
“Since I was sixteen.” I let her sit with that before diving in and trying to explain, and apologize, and grovel appropriately.
I finally divulge the details about the night Phoenix and I hooked up.
I expect her to be angry at how fucking selfish I was, but in true Alexis fashion, she leans over and wraps her arms around me in a hug.
“I hate that you feel like you have to hide because of your career, and it makes me sick to think that the world almost lost you, but I don’t regret what we did, Walker.
Colton is the reason I fought so hard to get into vet school and make a better life for myself.
I wouldn’t go back and change a single thing.
Being a teenage mother was really hard, but it made me prove to myself that I could overcome anything that was thrown at me, and I needed that.
So, you have my permission to let go of any guilt you carry around because of that night. ”
Fuck it.
I let the tears fall.
In fact, I straight up ugly-cry into Alexis’s neck as I cling to her, this saint of a woman. The mother of my child.
Somewhere in the distance, I hear a phone ring and look up to see Phoenix pull his cell phone out of his pocket. I can’t hear him from here, but the look on his face is serious and he starts leading Roxy back toward the barn.
“Come on.” I stand from the picnic table and hold my hand out to help Alexis. “Something’s up.”
Phoenix helps Colton off the horse and hands the reins to me.
“I’ve got to go. There’s a fire at an apartment complex and there aren’t enough guys,” he explains in a rush.
“Phoe, you’ve already worked close to seventy hours this week,” I lament. “It’s not safe for you to go when you’re exhausted.” Guilt pummels into me because I know he needed to rest, yet I let him take over with Colton, saddle up the horse, and walk him around.
“I have to go, bab—” His eyes dart to Alexis.
“She knows.”
He nods, but doesn’t finish his sentence or reach for me, so I do it for him. I didn’t get the chance to ask Alexis if she’s discussed such things with Colt, but love is love, and my son will be accepting and nonjudgmental because Alexis wouldn’t raise him any other way.
I pull Phoenix to me with my braced wrist at the back of his neck and bring my lips to his. It’s a quick kiss, no tongue, but full of longing and worry.
“There’s no one else they can call?” I whisper .
“It’s my job. I’ve gotta roll. I’m sorry. Can you handle putting Roxy up?”
“Yeah. Call me as soon as you get back to the station, okay?”
He nods and then he’s gone. A lump forms in the pit of my stomach that has nothing to do with outing myself to my son’s mother, being left alone to entertain them, or having to manage this horse one handed.
I would never ask Phoenix to give up his job as a firefighter because he loves it so much and he’s already had to give up one career, but the stress of knowing he’s walking into literal flames is going to give me ulcers before long.
Leaving him to go on the circuit is going to be impossible, knowing he’s back here facing dangerous situations every day.
My stomach knots even tighter and I resolve to talk to him about my plan as soon as he gets home.
Only, he still isn’t home by midnight and all my texts have gone unanswered.