43. Walker
Walker
J esus.
I should have those fuckin’ words tattooed on me by now for the number of times Phoenix has come to my rescue with them. Every time he says it, there’s such conviction behind the phrase it’s impossible not to believe him.
So, straightening myself up, I wipe my eyes and walk back to my table.
“Shall we?” I ask Alexis.
She nods, whispering in my ear as she passes me to head toward the barn. “He’s going to be thrilled, Walker.”
As soon as we get to the barn, Colton starts talking a mile a minute about the various pieces of tack, and I have to admit a burst of pride shoots through me when he gets all the parts right.
We’re going back out on Roxy today. I don’t need to test the limits of my wrist by trying a younger, more energetic horse just yet.
Especially if my son is going to be controlling the reins.
Since sitting still isn’t really an eight-year-old’s forte, Alexis begins the conversation while Colt and I move about the horse, first brushing her and combing her mane.
“Hey, Doodle,” she says, calling Colt by his nickname. One I learned he acquired because according to Alexis, he sang Yankee Doodle Went to Town every day for six months once he learned all the words.
I wish I could have heard it.
“Yes, ma’am?” he answers respectfully, methodically brushing the horse while I grab the step stool so he can reach her mane next.
“You know how you told me you wished Mr. DeVille was your daddy because it would be so cool to have a cowboy for a dad?”
I almost snap my neck from looking at her so fast.
He said WHAT? How did I not know this?
I turn to look back at Colton. His cheeks are so red they look sunburned, and he pauses his steps up the ladder before whining, “Mooooom, why’d you say that in front of him? That is so embarrassing!”
Alexis comes to join us so that I’m on Colt’s left side and she’s on his right. Behind his back, she laces our fingers together.
“I said it because Mr. DeVille has something he’d like to tell you.”
Colton focuses intently on Roxy’s mane, clearly too distraught and embarrassed to make eye contact with me.
“Colt, I, uh…” I pause, unsure how to phrase this.
Right now, all I can think is Luke, I am your fa-tha and I definitely don’t want it to come out like that.
“I’m really sorry that I haven’t been around before this summer, and I can try to explain why once you’re older, but um, your mom and I want you to know, that I… ”
Colt finally turns to look at me.
He has my eyes and I derive enough strength from them to finish my sentence.
“I actually am your dad.”
His eyes—my eyes—grow wide as his head whips back and forth between me and Alexis, but he doesn’t say anything for a full minute. Alexis brushes his hair off his forehead in that way mothers do.
“Colt, honey, do you have any questions?” she asks gently.
He thinks about it for another minute before asking, “Are you going to marry Mom and move into our house now?” The hope in his voice guts me. Fucking guts me.
I look at Alexis for help. I’m so terrible at this.
“Well, sweetheart,” she plows ahead, completely unafraid. “Do you remember when we talked about how some families have a mommy and a daddy, and some have two mommies, and others have two daddies?”
“Yeah?” he asks, clearly not following.
“When Mommy and Daddy made you, we loved each other very much.”
“We still do,” I interject rapidly, walking to Colton’s other side so he can see Alexis and I at the same time, and more importantly, so I can put my arm around Alexis.
She smiles up at me. “We still do,” she echoes.
“I feel a but coming,” Colton says, making me laugh. Kid gets his intuition from his mom, that’s for damn sure. “And not the kind that will get me in trouble, Mom! Just one t ,” he clarifies, making Alexis and I laugh harder.
“I think just for today, we’ll let you have a pass if one of those words slips out,” she says reassuringly before continuing.
“ But your dad’s heart belongs to Mr. Harding.
It has ever since they met a long time ago.
Before you were even born. And remember when we talked about how some boys like other boys instead of girls, and that people can be really mean about it, so those boys are afraid to tell the person they love? ”
Colton nods his head .
“Well, your dad is one of those boys who likes other boys, and for a long time, he didn’t tell anyone because he was afraid they’d be mean.”
Hearing her simplify it for our young son has my heart breaking for myself. For that seventeen-year-old kid who got his girlfriend pregnant and the barely-eighteen-year-old who almost took his life because of the mess he’d created by trying to deny who he was.
I lean over and kiss the side of Alexis’s head. “Thank you,” I whisper a split second before Colton flings his arms around my neck. He’s still on the stepstool, so he can reach easily.
“We won’t be mean, will we, Mom?” he asks, looking at Alexis while clinging to me.
“No, baby. We won’t be mean. We love your dad, and although our family looks a little different than most, we’re still a family,” she assures him.
“Does this mean I get a mom and two dads? Who live on a farm? And have horses that I can visit all the time?”
Alexis and I share a look before she laughs. “I guess it does.”
Oh boy, how do I break this news to Phoe?
“Hot damn!” Colton yells.
Alexis immediately opens her mouth to reprimand him, but I remind her, “You said he gets a pass today.”
She cuts her eyes to me before looking back at Colt. “ One. That was your one pass , young man.”
“Yes, ma’am,” he says, finally returning to Roxy’s mane.
I pull Alexis into a full-on embrace as I whisper into her hair. “I will never be able to thank you enough.”
“You don’t have to thank me. Just show up for Colt, that’s all I ask.”
“Consider it done.” Turning back to my son, I ask if he’s ready to ride .
“ Finalllyyyyyy ,” he says with a grin like he’s been waiting a thousand years for this.
I have a little trouble getting the girth tight enough because of my wrist, but my left hand does a decent enough job for a walk around the ring.
At the absolute most, we’ll trot, but this old girl isn’t getting out of control.
I climb on first—being in a saddle is always weird after training bareback—and then help Colton climb on in front of me.
My boots are in the stirrups because his legs aren’t long enough to reach, and his short legs dangle over the broad mare’s back.
“I’ll lead her to the ring and then you can take over once we get there. That sound okay?”
He nods.
“Oh, wait, let me grab a picture,” Alexis says, holding up her phone. Colton and I dutifully face her. I’m looking at Colt’s smile when she presses the button.
“Send that to me, will ya?” I ask.
“Already done. I’ll see you guys out at the ring.”
The feeling of being back on a horse is overwhelming enough, but to do it with my son in my arms…and having him know he’s my son…there are no words I could use to capture the peace and joy in my heart right now.
The rest of the day seems to fly by. After riding horses for two hours, swimming in the pond in his underwear, and getting his butt handed to him by Phoe in cornhole, Colton is completely tuckered out by six.
It’s been one of the best days of my life .
We say our goodbyes to everyone until only Knox is left. Phoenix and Kevin are cleaning up while Knox and I relax with a beer on the porch.
“Kid’s pretty awesome,” Knox says gruffly, making me laugh.
“Thanks. Wish I had literally anything to do with that, but outside of knocking up an amazing woman, I can’t honestly say that I did.” When he doesn’t even offer a grunt in response, I press for more. “What’s your story?”
He looks over at me, obviously debating whether or not he’s going to say anything. I see the slight shrug of his shoulders and can almost hear him mutter fuck it to himself as he starts.
“I was married once to a woman who loved the idea of me, but never truly loved me. I wanted a big family. She didn’t.
One day, she up and left. Only way I knew she wasn’t coming back was because of the note on the kitchen counter that said This isn’t working for me .
Her ring was on top. Lost my dad a year later, and it’s kind of been survival mode ever since.
I’m too old to be at the fire station like I am, but I probably would’ve drowned in the bottle if I hadn’t found the boys.
” He grows quiet and picks at the label of his beer bottle.
“Although, now it kind of feels like it did when my dad died. Everyone’s all paired up but me.
I don’t see Hudson and Jake nearly as much as I used to, and I suspect you and Phoe will get busy with your own thing soon enough.
Besides, Jake barely works a shift at the fire station anymore, I suspect Hudson will quit soon so he doesn’t have to leave Shannon and the kids alone overnight once the new baby comes, and Phoe’s out so he can go on the road with you. Just a lot of shit is changing for me.”
“Hey man, you’re welcome here literally any time,” I tell him, surprised by how much I mean it.
He snorts. “And have front row seats to all your raunchy sex and Phoe’s inability to keep his hands off you? I’ll pass. Besides, I’m starting to feel too old for this crowd.”
“Age is just a number,” I tell him quickly, but it doesn’t take a genius to realize he isn’t buying it, so I try a different tactic. “Knox, let’s be real. You’re hot, you’re in good shape, you have a boat and own your own company. You’re a catch. The only person standing in your way is you.”
“Ouch,” he deadpans.
“Alright, you sarcastic shit, all I’m saying is your person is out there. Don’t give up.”
“Yeah, I hear you.” He grunts as he stands, taking the last swig of beer from his bottle. “Hey, Phoe! I’m gonna take off.” Phoenix sets the bag of trash in his hand on the ground and walks over to clasp hands with Knox as he pulls him in for a bro-hug and a slap on the back.
“Thank you for coming today,” Phoenix tells Knox.
“Yeah, man. I’m happy for you.”
“You’re next,” Phoenix says.
“I think that ship has sailed,” Knox replies, sadly. “I’ll see you guys next week sometime.”
With that, he’s gone and I can tell Phoenix is just as worried about him as I am, but there’s nothing we can do for him tonight, so I grab Phoenix by the hand and pull him down the porch stairs to finish helping Kevin clean up.
After thanking him profusely for all the work he put in today, we haul our emotionally drained asses into the house and trudge up the stairs.
Phoenix starts the shower and I pull my phone from my jeans pocket before letting my pants hit the floor.
The email on my lock screen catches my attention because it’s from LXR.
Walker ,
It has recently come to our attention that two of LXR’s sponsored riders had some pretty colorful things to say about your sexual orientation and choice of partner.
Bile rises in my throat. I sit on the toilet, afraid to keep reading. It feels like I’m about to lose my biggest sponsor, and I hadn’t yet figured out how to make up for the loss of the other ones.
“Baby, you okay?” Phoenix asks, squatting down between my knees. It’s been a helluva day, and although it was the absolute best day, I’m just not sure I can handle more. Even good things can be draining.
“I think LXR is dumping me.” I hold my phone out and let him read it for me.
A minute later, he’s grinning like an idiot. “This is unbelievable! They pulled their sponsorship of the two ignorant assholes who were posting shit online and they’re giving you their portions! Walker, this means you have enough funding for the circuit next season!”
“ What?” I rip the phone out of his hands to read it for myself.
Sure enough, LXR is choosing to fully endorse me and will be responsible for seventy-five-percent of my sponsorships.
“Remind me to send a bottle of whiskey to Mack, would ya?” Phoenix smirks. “But remind me tomorrow. Tonight, I have other plans.”
I grin, knowing exactly what those plans entail.