Chapter 36 Devora #2
“What did we ever do before you and your unbreakable codes, Arowyn?” Tessa asked with a snort.
“Two weeks,” Kieran said, crossing his arms over his chest. He was always utterly unbothered by our ridiculous banter. “That’s how long until the contingency sets sail for Mysthelm. You have two weeks to discover what you can so we can coordinate a final attack.”
Tessa added, “And if we don’t hear from you in any forty-eight-hour period, we’re calling the whole thing off. Say the word, and we’ll come in, through flame and ash.”
“We’ve got your back, Dev.” Arowyn tilted her head up in agreement with Tessa. “And your front.”
A sudden warmth filled my chest as they all nodded. I pushed my glasses up the bridge of my nose, fighting off the sting in my eyes. “Well, let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.”
“Be ready to leave in half an hour,” Everett said, standing with his empty plate. He was escorting me to the Mysthelm base once again, where Scarven’s men would pick me up.
The others followed his lead and cleared off the table, stopping to murmur their goodbyes and good lucks. Tessa pulled me into a tight hug, and Arowyn nudged my arm with a smile on the way out.
Only Nox and I were left.
I twisted my lips, listening to the crackle of flames and ice clinking against glass as he took a sip of his drink. Squaring my shoulders, I stood and made my way to the matching wingback chair next to him. “Mind if I sit?”
He glanced at me, then back to the fire, motioning to the chair with his glass.
“You’ve been particularly quiet,” I finally said, unable to take the silence any longer.
“Haven’t had anything particularly interesting to say.”
“That hasn’t stopped you before,” I quipped, shooting him a half-hearted smirk. He didn’t react. We went back to the tense silence, the ornate clock on the wall ticking faster and faster toward my impending departure.
I stared into the flames. My shadows came to the surface of my skin, twining around my finger as they liked to do. I flicked my hand and sent them toward the fire. I was entranced at the way the flames darted up the fireplace, the way my shadows moved around them like they were dancing.
“I wish you’d say something,” I whispered after a minute.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his knuckles clench around his glass. He stood and paced to the edge of the fireplace, leaning against the mantel. “What do you want me to say, Devora?”
“I don’t know. Something. Tell me a bad joke, or—or yell at me. Anything.”
He raised an eyebrow. “You want me to yell at you?”
“No, I just…” I let out a breath and ran my fingers through my hair. “I just need a distraction.”
His shoulders straightened. He put his glass on the mantel and took a step closer, eyeing me like a predator assessing its prey.
“A distraction?” he murmured. Another step.
My mouth went dry. I told myself to look away, but my eyes wouldn’t obey. The fire was suddenly sweltering. My sweater clung to the edge of my shoulder, scratchy and hot and too tight under his stare.
He leaned forward, both hands resting on either arm of my chair, bracketing me in. “If I wanted to distract you, darling, I wouldn’t waste my time yelling.”
His voice scraped low, rough and dangerous. The air crackled between us. I could feel the warmth of his breath, the scent of spicy smoke clinging to his skin. My lips parted, but I couldn’t breathe.
Fates, I didn’t know why I had this reaction to him. How someone I’d once sworn to hate could make my heart stumble like this. There was always something waiting just beneath the surface, begging to be let out.
He lifted a hand and reached for something next to me. “Drink?”
And just like that, the tension snapped.
I blinked once. Twice. Then looked over to find a glass liquor cart next to my chair.
“Probably not a good idea.” I shook my head and looked down at my hands, where my shadows twisted through my fingers. He released his hold on the chair and took a step back, as if he needed to clear his head too.
Now that I could think again, the daunting task ahead consumed me. “I don’t know how you all do it,” I said. “Risking your lives day after day, raid after raid. You act like it doesn’t even faze you.”
To my surprise, he scoffed. “Aren’t you the woman who ran straight into Scarven’s secret base with no weapon or back-up? You’re fearless, Devora. You always have been.”
“Then why am I so scared?” I whispered.
He stared at me for a moment, swallowed, then lowered himself until his knees hit the floor at my feet. His hands rested on my wrists, my shadows hovering between us. “We’re all scared. Every single time.”
I rolled my lips together. “What if I mess this up? What if I do something wrong and—and he finds out? He could take it out on one of you, or his prisoners, or—” My voice caught, all my fears pouring from me in a tidal wave.
Fears I’d pushed aside with false confidence and a brave face for the sake of the mission.
“What if he tries to—if he experiments on me, or hurts me, and I—I can’t stop him—”
Nox gripped the back of my neck, cutting me off as he pressed his forehead against mine. I gasped at the sudden contact. He hadn’t been this close to me since the nightmare in his tent, and my pulse pounded at his nearness.
“I’m sorry,” he rasped. “You don’t have to do this. You’re not a prisoner or a pawn. You’re a person, and you have a choice. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you didn’t.”
I let out a shaky breath. “Part of me wants you to—to tell me to stay,” I confessed, so quiet I barely heard it myself. “I’m selfish and scared, and I—”
He cut me off again with a growl. “You are not selfish. I was wrong about you, Devora. You’ve risked everything for people you don’t even know, and I will never forgive myself for the way I treated you.
” He lifted his forehead and cupped my cheek, forcing me to look at him.
A tenderness I’d never seen before shone back at me.
His thumb wiped a stray tear from the corner of my mouth. “Fates, I—I’m scared, too,” he said. “I’ve been gone so much because I’m afraid if I look at you, I’ll beg you not to go.”
“Do it,” I whispered. “Beg me, and maybe I’ll listen.”
His mouth curved into a sad smile. “We both know you’ve never listened to me, Devora, darling.”
My tongue darted out to lick the corner of my lips, barely grazing his thumb. His arm went rigid, eyes locked on my mouth.
Fates, he was too close. Every breath tasted like him, like temptation and danger that I wasn’t supposed to want. And still, I found myself leaning in, just enough to feel his warmth. His safety. To imagine what it would be like if I stopped fighting.
But that was the whole point of this. To fight.
“We both know I can’t stay. Even if I want to.” I paused on an exhale. “I can do this, Nox. I can help them all.”
His fingers gently brushed my jaw. “I know you can. I trust you.”
Those words poured through me, filling gaps I hadn’t known existed. I trust you.
It was all I wanted to hear after everything that had happened between us.
My shoulders fell, and I gave him a tentative smile. “So, how about that drink?”
He rose from his knees, taking my hands and pulling me with him. Our time here was up.
“Come home, Devora,” he said softly. “Then we’ll have that drink.”