Chapter 57 Nox
Nox
There was a tap at the door separating mine and Devora’s rooms as I buttoned the cuff of my sleeve. I crossed the space in three strides and opened the door to find Devora standing in her dress for the wedding, a deep turquoise velvet number.
My mouth fell open as my gaze swept down her form. The long sleeves and bodice clung perfectly to her curves, with gold accents etched into the fabric. The turquoise skirt fell behind her, little gold sequins dotting the length of it and catching the light.
“Tie me up?” she asked.
“I mean—”
She turned so her back faced me. “The dress.” With a little chuckle, she carefully moved her hair over one shoulder, exposing the criss-crossing pattern of ribbon over smooth skin that ended in two strands down her back.
“You,” I stalked toward her and reached for the ribbon, “are trying to kill me.” I brought my lips to the curve of her neck and placed a gentle kiss.
“Does it feel wrong?” she asked, her voice a little breathless. “After everything we’ve been through, after all the people waiting for us…is this wrong? Being happy?”
My brow furrowed. I finished tying the ribbons and snaked my hands around her stomach, pulling her closer. Truth be told, I had the same thoughts. It was difficult not to feel guilty when so many suffered, and here we were, living out some sort of perfect dream in this pocket of the world.
I kissed her temple. “I feel the same way. But that doesn’t mean we don’t care about the others.
It doesn’t mean we still won’t do everything in our power to help them.
” I spun her around, and those big, guarded eyes peered up at me.
“I don’t know what this is between us, but I do know it’s the happiest I’ve been in longer than I can remember. ”
I brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “I’m selfish when it comes to you, Devora. I’ve never been able to stay away. I don’t know what the future will be, but I want to take any scrap of joy I can from the life that’s stolen so much from me.”
She nodded. “You deserve that.” Her arms wound around my neck, and I closed my eyes when she scratched her nails at the base of my skull. “Happiness.”
“I don’t know about that, darling.” The words slipped out unbidden, my guard coming down with her nails at my neck and her body so close to mine. I didn’t talk about these things with anyone besides Tessa and Kieran. I didn’t let anyone see the shame and insecurities resting beneath my skin.
“Why would you think that?” She moved a hand to cup my cheek.
I sighed. “You don’t know all the things I’ve done, Devora.”
“You mean, all the things Scarven has made you do. He may order you to do terrible things to people, but you told me how you get them out.” Her voice was so tender, a tone I’d only heard her use with the children at the Keep.
“You save them, Nox. You take awful situations and make the most of them.”
“Not always,” I gritted out. Her hands suddenly felt too soft, too pure, too good to be touching me. I wrapped my fingers around her wrists and moved them down, then took a step back.
“I’ve killed people,” I said hoarsely, turning away from her.
The sounds of their screams still echoed in my head.
“I didn’t want to, but I’ve done it. I’ve tortured them.
I may as well have put them in his cells.
You were right about me all those weeks ago.
I wanted you to think I was better than that, that I was some vigilante or harbinger of justice, but that hasn’t always been true.
” My throat burned with the effort of keeping my emotions from clawing up my throat.
“I once told you he was the monster,” I said slowly. “But sometimes I think I am too.”
There was a moment of silence, and I refused to look at her. Refused to see the disgust on her face—or worse, the realization that she’d been right all along. From the day she spied on me and accused me of hurting our people.
I heard her take a deep breath. And then—
“No.”
The word cut through the air like a blade.
My neck jerked toward her. “What?”
“No,” she repeated.
“No…what?”
Her arms crossed, chin lifting. “No, you don’t get to sabotage this for yourself. Not with me.”
The force in her tone rattled me, but then her edges softened.
“I’m the last person who would hate you for this.
You know what I’ve done. Selfish, cruel things.
And I didn’t do them for anyone but myself.
But you?” She stepped closer, eyes flashing.
“You did them to protect your sister. To keep your cover so he didn’t grow suspicious. That doesn’t make you a monster, Nox.”
Her voice cracked, wetness glinting on her lashes, but she didn’t back down.
“Someone who’s half the man you are would’ve given up by now.
But you didn’t. You endured. You saved who you could.
And I hate him for making you think you can’t have this.
” She put her hand back on my cheek, and I closed my eyes, trying to take in her words instead of batting them to the side.
“So, no,” she whispered. “I won’t let you push me away.” She ran her thumb along my lips, and they parted on an exhale. “You get to be happy. You get to be free. Because if someone like you can’t…what hope do the rest of us have?”
I kissed the pad of her thumb, breathing her in. I desperately wanted that to be true.
“Say something,” she urged softly.
I slowly opened my eyes. “Okay,” I murmured.
She held my gaze. “Okay? Do you believe me?”
I paused. “I believe in you.” And I believed she meant what she said, which was worth more to me than any touch, any kiss, any stolen moment.
Her mouth tugged up at the corners. “We’ll work on that.
” Lifting up on her toes, she kissed my jaw, then my cheek, then my lips, melting into me as I held her close.
I didn’t think I would ever see myself the way she did, but she was right about one thing.
I had to stop punishing myself. Scarven did that enough for all of us.
“Just one more thing,” I said as I stepped through the adjoining door into my room. I grabbed the flower crown Marigold made this morning and brought it back out.
Devora laughed and put a hand on her chest. “For me?”
“The one and only.” I carefully set it on her head. The mixture of deep purple tulips and white carnations looked perfect with her vivid hair.
“Beautiful,” I murmured. “Are you ready to go watch our disgustingly sweet friends get married?”
She took my hand. “Maybe it’s not so disgusting anymore.”
The palace held nothing back for the wedding.
Fresh lilies, roses, marigolds, and irises were placed all down the corridors leading to the grand ballroom.
Gold drapes hung from the ceilings, and an Alchemist had spelled them to sparkle like diamonds.
The ballroom itself was straight out of a storybook.
Rose and Leo enchanted hundreds of candles to hang in mid-air, giving the space a soft, flickering glow.
Bouquets overflowing with greenery were balanced on golden pedestals that marked rows and rows of chairs.
One of the Lightbender servants had cast beams to refract in the windows, which made the light shimmer like rainbows.
I could see Lark and Rose’s hands in all of it. Knowing Rissa, she would’ve been content to marry Thorne in the back of a carriage. But her best friends wanted to give her the fairy tale she never thought she would have.
Devora and I sat toward the front, watching all the guests from the capital filter in.
The buzz and excitement were palpable. People loved celebrating, but more than that, they loved their empress.
Clarissa had been such a beacon of light for the empire ever since she took over.
It brought a smile to my lips to see how her people fawned over her.
When the magical candles dimmed above us, the crowd hushed.
A string quartet in the back played a soft melody that echoed through the chamber.
Chaz pushed Lark in her wheelchair down the aisle, the latter looking beautiful in a burgundy gown.
Rose followed in matching attire. She sniffed, yanked a handkerchief from inside her flower bouquet, and dabbed her eyes.
Thorne and a priest robed in emerald green stepped onto a raised dais at the front, and my heart swelled when I saw little Marigold holding her father’s hand.
She wore her own flower crown, the light pinks and whites resting in her bronze hair and framing her face.
Their shepherding dog, Mia, sat at her feet, with a flower twisted in her collar.
Her tail thumped excitedly against Thorne’s leg.
Thorne was barely holding himself together.
His features were screwed as if to stop himself from crying, and he kept wiping his cheeks with the back of his hand.
I chuckled softly to myself. He wasn’t a small man by any means—almost as big as me.
His long, thick hair and beard made him appear far more menacing than the hopeless romantic he actually was.
I couldn’t stop myself from looking down at Devora. I understood how a great love could bring an unbreakable man to his knees.
The double doors at the entrance opened with a boom, and everyone rose to their feet.
Rissa floated down the aisle in a stunning gown of light pink and gold, with a shimmering veil covering her face.
On one side of her stood Leo, and on the other was a blonde-and-gray-haired older woman, with the same kind eyes and soft smile of her daughter.
Evadine Aris gripped Rissa’s arm tighter as she and Leo led her to the dais.