Chapter 19
Sierra finished her last lap when she saw a blurry vision of a man standing near the edge of the pool.
Raising her head, she shifted to treading water as she lifted her goggles onto the swimming cap she wore.
Her father hadn’t changed much, except more gray had mixed in with the black, coarse hair that he kept buzzed short.
His moustache and beard were still dark.
He still had an imposing figure that he kept trim with swimming.
He had been the one to teach her how to swim when she was younger.
She did a crawl toward the steps leading out of the pool, her eyes trained on him.
The water made her body feel light and the swim effortless but became a problem when she needed to climb out.
She saw her father’s hand in front of her face, and she gripped it. He helped to pull her up the stairs and onto the cement poolside. He retrieved her towel from her chair, then sat in the one next to it. His hands were tucked in between his legs as he waited for her to dry off.
Wrapping the wet towel around her waist, Sierra sat down next to her father, facing him. She noticed he wasn’t wearing shoes or socks, concluding he must have seen her using the indoor pool at Jacob’s place.
He watched her with a guarded look on his face.
“Where is Kaitlyn?”
“Marissa took her to run some errands. She needed a break from being cooped up inside.”
He nodded and they sat there. For how long, it wasn’t clear, then they both spoke at the same time.
“Dad, I owe you an apology—
“Thanks for doing this for Jacob and Kaitlyn. I heard you have changed—”
Her mouth twisted and she pulled the googles and cap off, freeing her hair. “I need for people to stop thanking me for doing what is right for my child.”
“Can you blame them?” Her father countered, his voice sharp.
She sighed. “No, you’re right, I don’t. I just wish they would think better of me.”
“Your past actions still proceed you.”
“Yes, I know and probably for a long time, but Dad, I really have changed.” She shifted on the lounger, and it creaked under her weight.
“I hope so for your sake and for Kaitlyn’s.” His dark brown gaze was stern.
“What about you?” She lifted her hand to touch him, but lowered it back, uncertain of how he would react to her touch.
“I don’t know. You were a horrible kid after your mother passed away.” He faced away, looking at the water in the pool.
“I blamed myself at first because I couldn’t reach you after your mother died. Nothing I did could make it any better for you that you lost your mother and best friend. I did try but you shut me out and then you changed. I didn’t recognize my little girl anymore.” He sound hurt and bewildered.
She sat there and listened, understanding that she needed to let her father express his pain and disillusion with her. After all, she was valid in her grief, but there was no excuse to offer him to make this all better. He was right, she fell apart after losing her mother to breast cancer.
The ravages of her illness destroying her body until she was nothing but a shell from all the treatments and surgeries she had.
Seeing her in her coffin and seeing a skeleton instead of her mom stayed with her.
Sierra hadn’t known where to put all that pain and loss and anger, lashing out at others, preying on her father’s love for her to get away with whatever she wanted.
She took her first taste of alcohol at thirteen, recalling the pain on his face when he’d smelt just the sip she’d taken on her breath.
“I thought the hardest part in my life was seeing you get out of control. I’d hoped with you being married and having a child, it would give you whatever it was you were missing, but even that you threw away.”
He turned with a pained expression on his features.
“Do you know that seeing you on the hospital bed fighting for your life reminded me of your mother? It terrified me that not only did I lose the love of my life but our child too. And worse, you almost took Kaitlyn’s life with you.
I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t be around to watch you someday end up on a slab somewhere and I chose to walk away. ”
She sat there as guilt weighed on her shoulders for what she’d done to her father. “It’s okay, Dad, I understand.” She whispered.
“No, I don’t think you do!” He shouted. “A parent should not have to walk away from a child he loves in order for him to be okay, in order for him not to have to grieve her again driving a car drunk and this time not being able to walk away again.” It was like a dam burst and her father began to cry. Letting her see what she’d done to him.
“I am so sorry, Dad.” Tears coursed down her face at the enormity of his words; hearing his anguish was like a dagger to her heart.
She remembered him always being a strong man, who never cried in front of her like he was doing now.
She had been so blind and selfish and wallowing in her own pain that she didn’t see her father had needed her too.
“I am so sorry,” she repeated, crying harder; she reached out for his hand, but he pulled away.
Then he grabbed a hold of her, holding her tight in his embrace.
“Don’t you dare put me through this again. Promise me,” He demanded, his strained voice booming across the pool area.
“I’m not going to promise you, Dad.” He stiffened and began to pull away, but she held on. “I am going to show you.”
Before he could counter or engage with her statement, a child’s voice announced itself. “Grandpa, don’t be mad at Mommy, you are making her cry. She is here to make amends.”
Sierra loosened her grip so her father could pull away, and she let out a laugh. They turned to see Kaitlyn standing there, worry etched into her innocent face.
“It’s okay, love. Grandpa and I were just having a discussion. And you are right, I am here to make amends and that includes Grandpa too.”
“Is that why he is crying?” She walked up to the Senator’s lap and placed her tiny hand on his leg.
“Yes.”
“It will be okay, Grandpa, don’t cry, okay?” Gently, she set down a teddy bear onto his lap. “Here, Grandpa, you can hold him until you feel all better like he helps me.”
Sierra watched her father look down at his granddaughter with love and affection, comforted by his hands picking up the tiny stuffie and holding it to his chest. She remembered when he used to look at her that way and knew she still had a lot of making up to do.
“Come, Grandpa. Marissa is in the kitchen making grilled cheese sandwiches.” Kaitlyn pulled on his sleeve until he shifted the teddy bear to one hand and offered his granddaughter the other one.
As they stood up, Sierra placed her hand on her father’s arm.
“Can you stay for lunch? I will get dressed and we can talk some more.” He nodded and left with Kaitlyn, while Sierra went back to change into her worn-out favorite pair of sweats.
His eyebrows rose when he saw her, but he didn’t say anything.
Their lunch was together was relaxing. Afterward, Kaitlyn went to her playroom and Marissa went upstairs to tidy up, so they had a chance to talk more over coffee.
“So, my mother had a lover named Pat.” Her father’s eyebrows rose, and a look of surprise and humor graced his features.
She smiled in turn and then told him about Pat, how she’d met her grandmother, but also how she’d saved Sierra when she wanted to give up.
It had been a rough transition, but Pat provided both stability and someone who refused to allow Sierra’s manipulations to work anymore.
Pat had made a promise to her lover that she would help Sierra and would be damned if Sierra wouldn’t let her fulfill it.
“Dad, I never met anyone like her. She didn’t take any shit from me and made sure I knew how lucky I was to be alive. Pat kept pushing me to get better and get help for myself.”
“Glad someone was able to make you wake up because I sure couldn’t.” Her father sounded sad and bitter.
She took hold of his hand. “I know and I am listening now. I think it worked with her because she was a stranger, someone who was mean when I needed it, who I could not manipulate to feel sorry for me. She was my last hope because I couldn’t listen nor wouldn’t listen to what you and everyone else was trying to say to me until the accident.
“When I woke up in the hospital, I was finally ready to listen, Dad, but it was too late with you and Jacob.”
Her father nodded and gazed at her with continued sadness in his eyes; he cleared his throat. “Were you ever going to come back if Kaitlyn didn’t need you?”
“Yes, eventually. I wanted to face everyone that I hurt. I needed to do this to continue to grow and make up for what I had done even if none of you wanted to see me after. I owed it to myself and everyone else to try.”
“You have been going to AA meetings?”
“Yes, I have my one-year sobriety coin.” She declared proudly. If it wasn’t in her room, she’d have presented it to him.
Her dad nodded his head. “Good.” The tinny sound of a watch beep drew his attention, and he stood up. “I have to go, Sierra.”
She followed him to the door, a gamut of emotions pouring through her. Though it had been a good chat, she hoped he wasn’t going to walk away from her again.
“Do you want to get lunch some other time?” Her heart raced when she managed to ask her question.
He nodded and smiled. “I would love that.”
She smiled, happy that her father was willing to give her a chance. But then a frown passed over his face. “I have a charity gala I must attend; they are raising money for leukemia, and I was wondering if you wanted to go. I will be asking Jacob as well.”
Sierra froze. Being able to return and make amends with her family still kept her out of the public eye, so stepping back into it after everything that happened—she wasn’t sure if that was a good thing.
Her father must have noticed the hesitation written all over her face “It’s okay, never mind.”
“Just let me think about it, okay?” He nodded, then turned the knob on the door. “When is it, Dad?” She blurted out, not wanting him to leave disappointed.
He looked a bit sheepish. “This Friday coming.”
“Okay, I will have to get back to you. The hospital is arranging the surgery soon, though the exact date and time is still being decided.”
He frowned. “Yes, let me know because I will back out of it. I want to be there for both you and Kaitlyn.”
“Okay, thanks Dad.”
He leaned down and gave her a kiss on the forehead and then walked out the door. Sierra closed it behind him, her hands trembling from her emotions.