Chapter 19
Hallie
Nothing you do for children is ever wasted.
~ Garrison Keillor
Greyson is waiting for me again. He might think I don’t notice, but I do. I notice everything about him, from his incredible good looks to his kind and humble heart to the way he watches me. I see it all.
I pull into the lot and turn the van key, sitting in my car a beat longer than usual to gather myself.
If Mia weren’t in the picture, I’d be giving all green lights to the fireman waiting patiently in the Jeep next to me.
I make a habit of never allowing myself to consider the hundred lives I could have lived if I hadn’t gotten pregnant.
Every single one of them would be a life without Mia and they would be sorely lacking and entirely wrong.
She’s here. And providing her a stable life matters more than my feelings for a soldier I met nine years ago.
Motherhood is the daily practice of setting yourself aside for another person—even if they don’t notice your sacrifice until way later in life—or ever.
I raise a pointer finger to Greyson, pick up my cell and shoot my mom a text.
Hallie: I love you. Hope you have a nice day.
I pocket my phone and hop out of the van.
Greyson exits his Jeep simultaneously. He’s so busted.
He takes one look at my face and his brow furrows with concern. “Everything okay?”
“Always the protector,” I muse.
“That’s not an answer,” he retorts.
“It’s okay. Yes. I’m okay. Thanks for checking.”
He nods. Back to stoic, only he’s not shut off like he was when I first arrived in Waterford.
We pulled back another layer in the station kitchen the other night.
I’d pull back all the layers with him. I’ve never been so drawn to another person in my life.
When he’s right here in front of me, with his morning face, freshly shaved, his eyes still telling of sleep, soft and focused on me, I forget everything but him.
And that’s what makes him dangerous.
I step toward the station. “How was your day off?”
“Good.” He matches my stride. “You?”
“I just puttered around the house and then I met my sister for lunch. After that, I spent as much time with Mia as I could until bedtime.”
He smiles. I give him a smile in return. I could tell him everything. But we don’t have time. We’re about to round the corner and then we’ll be surrounded by the other firefighters. This isn’t the time or place.
Today is the day I hand Mia over to her dad. I look up into Greyson’s eyes, my hand on the handle of the kitchen door.
He raises his hand as if he’s going to touch me—to comfort me—but then he pulls back, running his fingers through his hair. His eyes hold mine.
“You can tell me later,” he says softly.
My eyes burn with unshed tears. Those five simple words practically undo me.
This time, I’m the one giving a curt nod and steeling myself to perform past the emotions.
The kitchen is filled with the usual sound of too many voices in simultaneous conversations—some work related, others catching up on life.
Cody calls the shift change meeting to order and the day begins.
We run through equipment checks and then a workout routine.
I’m immersed in the moments, avoiding life outside the station by throwing myself into whatever’s at hand.
Bench presses, dead lifts, squats all channel my anxiety over sending Mia on this trip and my renewed frustration at Danny for his sporadic involvement in her life.
A few hours after lunch, I step into Cody’s office, shutting the door behind me. I didn’t tell him Mia was going with her dad. I just said I had to be somewhere for my daughter today. I’m just popping in to remind him before I take off.
“I’m going to head out to see my daughter.”
He nods. “Take all the time you need.”
“I’ll be back in just over an hour.”
“Hallie?” Cody stares at me with a warm smile on his face.
“Before you got here, we were running on a short crew for nine months—ever since I took the position as captain. You’re an asset.
You’ve already proved that. But we can handle things while you spend time with your daughter. Motherhood matters.”
A small lump forms in my throat. I swallow past it and say, “Okay.” Then I add, “But I’ll still try to be back within an hour.”
“Or two,” Cody adds with a smile. “I have a mom, you know.”
“I imagine you do.” I chuckle softly.
“She was always around on the ranch—still is.”
“That must have been nice for you.”
“It was nice. And at times it was a lot. But mostly, yeah. It was nice. When I hired you, I knew you were a single mom. I still thought you were the best candidate for the job—maybe even a better candidate because of the fact. Any woman who runs a home while providing for her family has what it takes to do far more than most people.”
The lump in my throat threatens to leak out my eye sockets. I clear my throat and say, “Thank you for that. I hope to continue to live up to your expectations.”
“I have no doubt you will.” He looks at me and sets his pen down. “You already have. Now go on and spend some time with your daughter.”
I nod and back out of the office. When I pass through the kitchen where our crew is hanging out in the recliners, I say, “I’ve got an appointment. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
“You’re leaving me?” Dustin says, clutching his heart and tipping his head back.
“You’ll live,” I say, smiling.
Greyson’s watching me. He doesn’t look away. I smile softly at him and walk out the open bay door to pick up Mia.
I didn’t give Danny our address. He has access to it if he goes looking, but I don’t want him seeing our home or Mia’s bedroom. He chose the life he has without us.
Mia’s at home, eagerly waiting for me. We load her and her pink duffel bag into the van and we drive to the parking lot at a park we never go to on the other side of town from our neighborhood.
Mia’s bouncing in her booster seat, energy radiating off her in giddy waves.
“Excited?” I ask.
“I’m so excited, Mommy! I get to see my cousins and all the other people. And Daddy!”
“I’m excited for you, Spike.” I turn and smile at her.
“But you’ll miss me.”
“I sure will. But we’ll talk on the phone every day.”
“And every night?”
“And every night. You can call me anytime on the phone I gave you—even for silly things or anything, okay?”
“Even just to say knock-knock, who’s there?”
“Yes. Even that. Do you have any good ones?”
“I’m saving them for when I call you.”
“Okay. You do that. I’ll have to come up with some myself now.”
“Just don’t use the one with ice cream in it.”
“Okay. I won’t.”
“Or pigs.”
“Got it. No ice cream and no pigs.”
“Can we see a pig sometime?”
“I think so. Did you know my captain is engaged to a woman who grew up raising pigs? Her family has a whole pig farm.”
“Really?” Mia’s eyes go wide.
“And he has cattle. So many. And horses.”
“I wanna see all of those!”
“Maybe when you come home we’ll make plans for a farm day.”
“Okay. That’s a deal. Pinky promise.”
She sticks out her pinky and we link.
“Pinky promise,” I repeat, swallowing the soft lump in my throat.
Four days, Hallie. You can do this.
An orange Corvette pulls into the parking lot, right up next to my van.
Mia peers out of the window. “Daddy! It’s Daddy!”
I smile at her and hop out, grabbing her duffel off the passenger seat.
She’s excited. Let her have this.
“Hey,” I say softly to Danny.
He looks a little older—different, but the same.
Like bread that sat in the bread drawer a few days past expiration.
Okay. He doesn’t look that bad, but it takes the edge off to think of him as stale bread.
Greyson’s fresh out of the oven—the kind where the crust knocks back at you, but then you slice in and all you find is delicious warmth and flavors you want to spend your life consuming.
Okay. No more bread for me. That’s plenty.
“Hey, Mia!” Danny extends his arms and Mia jettisons into them. “How’s my girl?”
My molars could crack.
He releases Mia and glances my way. “Hey, Hal. Good to see you.”
“You too.” A lie seems best—for Mia’s sake.
“How have you been?” he asks.
“Good. Her outfits are all in here. I sent a few extras and a nice dress in case … you know, if you go out or whatever. She has a phone. It’s set up so she can call me or Mom or Avery anytime. It’s just a burner phone. No games. No apps. Ummm …”
“She’ll be fine, Hallie.”
“I know. I’m just trying to think if there’s anything you need to know.”
“We’ve got this, don’t we, kiddo?” he asks Mia.
“Yeah. We’ve got this.”
“Okay.” I blow out a breath, turn to Mia and squat down at eye level. “Call me for anything. Anytime. And have a blast.”
“I’ll call you for knock-knocks.”
“Deal,” I say, tugging her into a hug.
She grips me tightly and holds on longer than usual.
I pull her back when her grip loosens, my hands on her arms. “You good?”
“Yeah, Mommy. I’m going to have so much fun. You have some fun too.”
“I’ll do my best,” I promise her.
I stand up and look Danny in the eyes. The same eyes I looked into at the end of an aisle once.
I meant those vows and I would have kept them.
But he’s not the one. He probably never was.
I have him to thank for Mia. And that’s a gift I can’t ever put a price tag on. My heart softens just a millimeter.
“Take good care of her. And …” I glance at the Corvette, doing the math for the first time. “Wait. How is a booster going to fit in there?”
“She can sit in the passenger seat. The airbag auto deactivates for lighter passengers. It’s legal if there’s no back seat.”
“Legal, yes. Is it safe?”
Danny makes a tsking noise. “We’re driving down a Tennessee highway for a few hours. Small town traffic on both ends. She’ll be fine.”
“I’ll be fine, Mommy,” Mia assures me.
I tuck my lower lip under my teeth and let it out slowly. I could insist on driving her to Maryville. He’s probably right. She’s almost tall enough to give up the booster. Not today, she’s not.
“Okay.”