Chapter 16 #2
Now, his lips pursed. “It sounds really crass when you say it like that. Not to mention gross.”
“It is gross, you asshole.”
“Like you’re one to judge,” he shot back, incredulous. “At least you don’t have to hear about my conquests from your damn subordinates.”
Sera scoffed, setting a hand on her chest with a bit more drama than she might use with any other person. “Listen, every one of those liaisons was an act of purest connection and understanding. I wanted more, it’s not my fault they all turned out to be trash.”
“Liar,” he argued, though neither of them sounded truly angry. “You’re a fucking hypocrite.”
“You’re ugly,” she snapped, grinning at the very pointed hit to his ego.
Fire blazed in his eyes. “You did not just call me ugly, Stilts.”
Sera’s teeth clenched. The abhorrent nickname she’d earned for the exactly one summer where her growing legs had outpaced the rest of her—and likely hadn’t grown since, if her height was any indication, but she had otherwise evened out and definitely beside the point.
Facing away from each other, they huffed for a moment, their argument losing steam.
It felt like before their mother died, back when they used to spend a lot of time together and would inevitably end up arguing in the way siblings often do.
She preferred this sort of argument over the ones they’d had as adults.
Where genuine hurt had made everything messy.
“Not that it matters,” she added, nonchalant and only the barest glance to see if he was listening, “but I got a job. A real one. A government job.”
He shrugged, arms still crossed. “Good for you.”
“Thank you.”
“Welcome.”
They both let out a breath at exactly the same time, her posture an identical mirror of Gideon. Once Sera noticed she hastened to correct the unintentional mimicry. “Well. Then I guess I’ll be going.” She turned on her heel, chin in the air.
“Friday. Five.”
Sera threw open his office door. “Fine. See you then.”
“Fine.” He marched forward and slammed it after her.
What a jackass.
Sera was smiling by the time she reached the street.
Sera returned in good spirits, it seemed. The talk with her brother must have gone well. Kieran had barely resisted the urge to pace while she went off alone, again, so soon after her life had nearly been claimed at least three times. He was losing track.
Seth had settled on the bench, but Kieran attempted to watch for her through the opaque window. He had registered little more than shapes and movement. Thankfully, Seth had not attempted small talk.
Inside his carriage, they proceeded to their next stop.
Kieran eyed Sera as Seth asked to be taken to Varian’s home in the Garrison.
A bachelor’s lodgings that occupied Garrow Street, where spacious apartments and town homes had once been frequented by second sons who wouldn’t inherit their familial estates.
Varian had inherited everything, but still chose to stay in the heart of the city.
He had enough funds to see that the temperature was kept cold and that all iron would have been removed from the lodgings.
Sera’s smile had slipped with Seth’s request, but her back straightened and she attempted a light-hearted tone as she agreed.
Kieran could tell it was a performance for Seth’s benefit that stemmed from her fears he would forget about her in favor of Varian.
Kieran was certain that Seth was fully capable of balancing Sera’s friendship with a romantic relationship, but Sera’s fear remained.
Seth must have detected the same false cheer. “What? What’s wrong, Sera?”
“Nothing! Nothing is wrong, obviously. If you want to go stay with Varian I mean, I’m sure his home is lovely…”
Seth chuckled. “Listen, it’s way too early to be moving anywhere.” He addressed Kieran, “I assume I’m okay to stay for a bit longer?”
“As long as needed. It hardly matters anymore.”
“Thanks, I think.”
Kieran shrugged. “Your presence has become routine, and it’s not like I don’t have the space.”
“See? Sera, I’m not leaving yet, but, if I did, you know that doesn’t mean I’ll stop being your friend.
” Seth scooted closer and trapped her in the blanket with him.
Kieran had needed at least some semblance of cold after the sweltering heat of the fire and summer air.
His headache and nausea were only just starting to subside.
“People always say that, and then the new love becomes the most important thing until the past is completely forgotten. Varian is from a different world than we are. You’ll make friends with rich people or people of influence. You won’t want to waste your time with me.”
“That won’t happen. Sera, you’re practically my sister. In fact, you were mentioning those dinners with Gideon?”
She perked up. Kieran turned to the window to hide the trace of a smile.
“Then count me in, and I hope Varian too, one day. Maybe.”
It would be rude to answer for her brother when it was his home they would be frequenting, and Gideon would need proper warning to inform his staff and cook that there would be a second guest—
“Of course you can come!”
Ah. Sera naturally had no awareness of the rules of social engagements. He’d have to send word to Captain Blair himself.
“Then can we go back to being happy? Cause I want to be happy. I’m only returning right now cause I think Varian deserves an explanation of what happened before he hears second hand, you know?”
Sera nodded, hugging him close and kissed the top of his head. “Yes, yes! I do understand. And we can take this one step at a time. There’s no rush. We’re not in danger anymore.”
The rest of the ride passed amiably, with Sera and Seth filling each other in on the details they missed. When Seth finally departed, there was only the two of them to fill the silence.
“Should I…” Kieran started, but second guessed himself.
Which was odd, because he never fumbled over phrases before, never succumbed to nerves or uncertainty.
But the truth was, he did not know how to move forward.
How to approach the words that wanted to be said.
That he wanted her to stay, not just as a kindness, but because her absence would be unbearable.
His heart was already twisted in her finger, what point was there in denying himself her company when the damage was done?
Her death would forever be a mystery to him.
And that was terrifying but also, it left him with no excuse in withholding his desire for her.
“Oh, uh, yes. We can…”
Her eyes darted through the carriage. Kieran gave Joy the okay to head home, the connotations of that word entirely changed by the woman across from him.
They arrived and proceeded on the walk through Winter. Tension simmered between them, but unlike before, this didn’t possess a carnal undercurrent. Finally, he stopped walking altogether.
“What is it?” She asked, looking away like she feared the answer.
Kieran gently guided her head back toward him with a hand on her chin.
She was beautiful, encompassed in snow and an evening sky. He might have lost his nerve, except, he knew one fact with certainty.
“I love you,” he said, surprising himself.
Sera’s breath caught, shoulders rising to her cheeks.
“I… it might not be ideal, to you, as I know you expressed a disinterest in relationships of significance…but, however, I would…” He cleared his throat.
He had never rambled in his life and it was starting to annoy that his tongue would choose now, of all times, to become tied.
“Let me start again. I love you, Seraphina Blair. You are brilliant and clever, a touch maddening at times, but I think my life could use a touch of madness—um… not to say that you’re mad or…” He breathed out, a nervous fidget starting to take over. Why was this so difficult?
Kieran shook out the nerves from his hands, daring to take a step toward her.
He took one of her hands in his—momentarily lost in the thrilling sensation, just as overwhelming as the first time.
“Let me try this once more. I love you. I admire you. You are as necessary to me as air or cold. And, I am not saying this to persuade or entrap you, you are always free to do as you wish. Leave and find some new adventure to your liking or… stay. With me. Um, specifically. I—” He huffed, shaking his head.
“This is much harder than I suspected. I promise to be more articulate in the future—”
Sera hooked her fingers in his shirt and pulled him closer, cutting off his sentence. “You will do no such thing. In fact, I intend to cause as much inarticulation as possible.”
His hold on her hand shifted to an embrace, hugging her closer. “Is that a promise?”
She gazed at him, expression warm and open. Stunning. “I promise to do my part in rattling your carefully maintained control.” A glimmer of mischief filled her eyes. “If you think you can resist.”
A thrill raced down his back. “A Game?”
“Maybe, but not right now.” She coiled her arms around his neck, climbing him, like she had every certainty he would support her.
“Right now, I’d rather not be inhibited by rules and competition.
Right now, I want to go home.” She buried her lips in his neck, nuzzling, licking, scraping at his pulse with her teeth.
“And I want to do very, very, wicked things with you.”
He nodded, mute. Speechless. No thoughts. Just whatever she was doing with her fingers through the gaps in his buttons.
“And one more thing, quickly.” She pulled away, meeting his eyes.
“I love you. With a passion I feared and an intensity I couldn’t fight, even when my past urged me to doubt you…
urged that I not expose my heart to such devastating hurt.
But…” She licked her lips. “But I know that with you, my heart is safer than anywhere else in this world. I just… I beg for understanding and a bit of, well, patience, as I am known for being the harbinger of my own misery and the fear that I will ruin what I think is the start of the best thing—”
He kissed her, but gently. A shut-up-and-stop-doubting-yourself kiss.
Using a finger, he reached up and gently smoothed away the powder on her cheeks.
The sight still incited anger, but it wasn’t nearly so violent anymore, and more than anger he hated the idea that she had been hurt.
Breathing out, he allowed his gaze to return to her eyes.
Contented with her earlier claim that she would no longer bear such violence again.
He knew her trust was not easily won, and having earned it made the arduous task of letting go bearable.
“Sera, patience is the essence of my being. You do not have to pretend with me, but,” He started walking, carrying her toward home.
“I do find it troubling that you still doubt yourself when you are the most exceptional person I know. This suggests a deeply rooted misconception that may take a long time to repair. I’m no student of the mind, but I feel certain I read somewhere about sexual pursuits as a means of building confidence.
I’m happy to offer my services in your convalescence. ”
She giggled into his shoulder.
“And it won’t happen overnight, such an ingrained belief will need months of dedicated sessions.”
“Months?” She questioned; the smile evident in her voice.
“Months. Years. Eternity. It’s hard to say, so early in your treatment.”
She kissed his cheek. “Hmm. Eternity sounds kinda nice.”
His hold on her tightened. Emotion twined with lust and he fought to keep her upright and not finish this on a snowbank where she’d surely freeze. Just a few more seconds till he could indulge in whim and desire, a few more steps till they were home.
Their home. Together.
For as long as she wished to call it such.