CHAPTER 22
Claire
“Why didn’t you tell me about your lunch with Gemma?” Harvey asks first thing Monday morning.
I sigh. “It wasn’t really planned… She was ignoring my texts, and then when she said yes and we met up, I called you after.”
“You could’ve told me. Takes five seconds to text.”
I nod, knowing he’s right. “It was a quick lunch. I apologized and told her I’d keep things professional between us from now on.”
He swallows before biting his bottom lip as he stares into the void.
I want to ask him about reducing my hours. See if he and Gemma talked about only keeping me on part-time. I don’t know how he would feel about that or if he would give me a heads-up. Except when I see him so out of it, I decide it’s not the right time. My mother always said there’s a right time for everything, and now isn’t it.
I hand him the weights, and I give him space, sitting on the couch while I add a few notes to his chart on the iPad.
I can’t help glancing over at him from time to time.
Honestly, he looks miserable even though he should be happy. The woman he loves gave him another chance.
What more could he want?
We stay quiet during most of the training except for the usual encouragement on my part. He retreats to his room afterward while I prepare us lunch.
When I’m done, I text him that the food is ready if he’s hungry instead of going to his room. I know he’s trying to keep distance between us. I’m sure Gemma asked him to, so I don’t want to push him.
I start eating my chicken and Greek salad alone, dipping my pita in tzatziki, when Harvey wheels into the kitchen and then transfers to the chair next to me.
“Thanks for the lunch, Claire.”
“No problem.”
“So what now, you’re going to ignore me?”
“I’m not ignoring you, Harvey. I’m taking space. This is how it should’ve been from the beginning.”
He chuckles, but it’s not a happy laugh. No, rather it’s laced with bitterness. “Alright, Claire.”
We don’t talk for the rest of the day. And it kills me.
I miss our talks.
But this is necessary—both for my heart and my job.
I’m wearing sage scrubs today with a matching satin headscarf, hoping to attract the spring weather. I barely slept last night, which is rare for me. To make matters worse, Henrik is at Harvey’s place when I get there this morning, chilling on the couch.
“He’s in the shower,” he tells me, scrolling through his phone.
“Okay, thanks.”
I don’t know what else to say. This is the same guy who told me to stay away from his brother. If Harvey told him anything about what’s been going on, I’m positive he hates me more now.
“You’re not trying hard enough.”
I’m taken aback by his comment. “Excuse me?” Does he mean regarding Harvey’s training? I’ve been doing so much research and incorporating exercises that are proven to help. And he thinks I’m slacking off?
“To keep things platonic, I mean, my dear.”
I open my mouth to rebut, then close it again before saying, “I barely talk to him. I basically ignore him outside of training. What more can I do?”
He looks at me with bulging eyes, lifting his brows as if the answer is so obvious. “You could quit.”
“I… He’s thriving with my program,” I say softly.
He scoffs. “He’s thriving because you’re a pretty nurse, that’s all. Nothing McKleen can’t do himself.”
“Wow! That’s not sexist.”
He shakes his head. “Nothing to do with sexism. You’re fucking up his relationship. If you care about him, you’ll leave.”
Deep down, I know he’s right. Even though it’s never that simple to find a new job, especially as a postgraduate, and especially in this market.
I need all the experience I can get.
“Gemma and I agreed to put this behind us. Maybe it’s time you do the same,” I tell Henrik. Then I head to the dining table to answer emails from the rehab center before Harvey comes out.
When he does, he eyes his brother in the living room before looking at me.
“Hey,” he says simply. “Henrik and I are heading out to run a few errands. I’ll train later, alright?”
I nod, knowing he won’t invite me this time.
While they’re gone, I ponder Henrik’s words. The idea of not seeing Harvey every day hurts me. I’d much rather stay, even if I can’t have him relationship-wise, so that I still get to hang out with him. It’s absurd actually, and if I’m being honest, it feels like I’m betraying myself because I deserve better than that.
To pass the time, I read articles and studies online about my field. Two hours later, Harvey comes back in—alone. I head to his workout area, waiting for him as he eyes me curiously.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes, of course.” I smile at him, handing him the weights once he’s on the kitchen chair next to me.
“How’s your sister doing? She over her heartbreak yet?”
“Oh yes, way over him.” I wave my hand in the air as if it’s nothing. “Audrey isn’t one to fret for long.”
“Well, that’s good. She has you to look up to—I’m sure that helps,” he says kindly.
I give him a small smile as we start his training. I let it run even longer today to build his stamina.
“I would’ve asked you to come with us, but I figured we shouldn’t,” he murmurs randomly.
“I don’t think Gemma would appreciate that unless it serves a purpose. Besides, it’s not like your brother wants me there.”
I’m putting some of his equipment in the corner of the living room when he sighs, transferring to his wheelchair as he replies, “What did he say now?”
“He’s your brother, Harvey. He’s just looking out for you.”
His hand weaves through his blond hair. “What did he say, Claire?”
I shrug. “Nothing I didn’t already know.”
“Let me guess…he said you should quit?”
I nod, sitting down on the couch. “And that I’m ruining your relationship.”
He chuckles. “Hen always takes Gemma’s side—that’s never going to change. You’re not ruining my relationship, Claire—we both ruined our own relationship. And I know I cheated on her, but trust me, she’s cheating too. You know when someone you used to love is lying to you, okay?”
We both still at his revelation—at the implication.
I don’t know what it means that he used to love her, or if he even means it or if it’s the anger talking. The hope inside my chest is soaring foolishly, ready to fly close to the sun and get burned until it’s reduced to ashes.
“What—what does that mean?” I ask, shocked.
He looks completely crestfallen by his own words, by the truth of them. “I don’t know even know what I mean.”
“ Harvey… ” I move from the end of the couch until I end up on my knees right in front of his chair.
The next thing I know, our hands are intertwined and we’re staring at each other as if we’re the only thing that matters in this world. His Adam’s apple moves slightly as he looks away for a split second. Then he shakes his head and laughs.
My knees are weak. I can’t even feel them on the floor. All I can focus on are his words and the fact that he might not be in love with Gemma anymore.
“It’s not that easy, to go to someone who’s been there for you through your darkest times and tell them you don’t love them the same way anymore,” he mutters.
I swallow. “I don’t even know what to say.”
“Me neither, honestly.”
I trace his cheek with my forefinger, and he shuts his eyes. The pain is palpable in them when he stares at me again. It hurts me to see him hurting.
“I’ll figure it out, Claire.” His thumb plays with mine while worry overtakes me about whether or not he’s ready to make harsh choices. “She doesn’t deserve this. Even if she’s hurting me too, I don’t want to keep hurting her.”
I’m not at all sure I can trust his words when he looks away. I’m worried he’ll drag this out for as long as I let him.
He kisses my hand, and I get up, knowing the moment is over. He tells me that he’s going to take a nap, that the training tired him out.
I also know he’s torn and doesn’t know what to do about it.
I don’t know what it is about this man that would make me risk my sanity, time, and morals for the chance that we might be together one day.
I know he has a lot to think about, but in a way, so do I.
Everything with Harvey is uncertain.
Yet, at the same time, I revel in his company and his sarcasm and his resilience. This man makes me feel things, he makes me envision a life together.
When I leave in the evening, I order takeout to eat in my car in a random parking lot while I try and process everything.
Harvey’s revelations always make me worry, since I never know if he’ll follow through. Tomorrow, he might tell me that he’s going to try to make things work with Gemma again.
But I know, deep down, that no matter how stupid my decision to wait for him might be, I’m willing to make it.
I hope it’ll be worth the wait.
I hope he thinks I’m worth the heartache that he might soon endure.