CHAPTER 38
Claire
Some moments are too painful to describe.
Despite the strong front I’ve put up around Harvey after he contemplated ending his life, I can’t explain the growing anxiety I’ve felt since. Even hearing him say he loves me can’t shake this feeling.
Today’s Friday, and I have the day off. Harv has an appointment with his family doctor, and his parents will be taking him and spending the day with him, for moral support.
I left Harvey’s early this morning while he was still snoring. I didn’t want to risk a run-in with Henrik or his parents.
I’ve been obsessing all morning about how to approach my departure from work. I told Harvey, but I must do it officially, and after yesterday’s events, I’m not sure what to do.
We can’t be together, not until he truly gives himself time to heal. Yet I hate the thought of leaving him professionally at this point in time.
I’m torn.
We both know that my sleeping in his bed last night was to ensure he slept well and wasn’t alone. We both knew that come morning, things would go back to the way they were. Because I can’t be in a relationship with him now just to try to keep him from ending his life.
It’s not a burden anyone should carry.
My mom and I are making chicken Caesar salad that evening while Audrey’s in her room. I’m sure my mom’s wondering why I didn’t come home last night.
“Harvey had suicidal thoughts yesterday,” I tell her. My mom’s eyes widen, and I continue. “He thought about ending his life.”
“That’s terrible! How is he doing now?”
“I know.” I swallow. The thought of losing him, not just as someone I love and want a future with, but as a human being… It would’ve been the ultimate loss.
The man refuses to see how loved he is.
“He’s doing better. He’s on watch with his family, he had a doctor’s appointment today, and he’ll be seeing a therapist soon.” As of next week, his mom had told me when we spoke.
“I’m so sorry you’re dealing with all of this, dear,” my mom says. “I imagine that you really don’t know if you should leave now or not…”
Tears begin to fall, coursing down my cheeks. “It’s been hard, but I love him, Mom.”
“Oh, honey.” She hands me a napkin. “I know that you do. But does he love himself? You won’t be able to do that for him.”
“He says he wasn’t going to do it—a part of me believes him. He broke up with his ex, and then I quit…”
“Too much all at once.” My mom nods, patting my hair.
“I don’t know what to do.”
“You have until Monday at least to think about it. Claire, you can’t professionally be there for the man you love.”
“Yes, but it’s also the worst time to leave him alone.”
“He’s not alone. He has his family.”
“What if I leave and I never see him again?”
She shakes her head. “If he gets better and doesn’t reach out or want to be with you, you can’t force it.” I’m about to object when she signals that she’s not done by laying her hand over mine. “You deserve someone who’s in love with you and only you.”
I know she’s referring to Gemma.
It’s not hard with the overlapping timelines of the relationships to expect that Harvey still loves and cares for Gemma.
We got together too soon.
If only I would’ve stayed away romantically. Then maybe I could’ve continued working for him until he got better. Henrik and his family might hate me too—leaving Harvey high and dry after everything he’s been through this week.
Once we’re all done eating, I help my mom with the dishes and lie on the couch afterward while she heads upstairs to read. That’s when I get a text from Harvey.
Harvey: Thanks for last night. I slept so well.
Claire: It’s no problem, Harv. I hope your appointment went well.
Harvey: It was okay.
I can’t help myself. I call him. I wanted to all day, but I knew he would be with his family, and I didn’t want to interfere.
“Claire,” he whispers.
“How are you feeling today?”
“I’m better,” he tells me. “I’m in bed now. My parents are hanging out with Henrik, watching a movie.”
“You must be pretty tired.”
“I am. I’m seriously drained.”
“I’m sure you are. It might take you a while to recover.”
“Yeah,” he says before he continues. “Last night was amazing. I mean it…thank you for staying with me.”
“It sure was.” I look up at the ceiling. “I had to leave early.”
“I know. I get it.” We’re both silent for a while. “Will you be back to work on Monday?”
I clear my throat. “I have to think about it, but, Harvey, I don’t think so.”
He chuckles. “I hate it, but I’ll keep hurting you until I fix my shit.”
“If you ever need anything—”
“I won’t be alone, Claire. My family won’t let me be.”
“Okay” is all I say.
“I’m going to miss you so much.”
“Harvey, me too.”
We talk a bit more about his upcoming therapy sessions, and while I want to remind him that this isn’t goodbye, I don’t.
Because I don’t know the future.
Deep down, I know I’ve made my decision.
I only wish I could’ve made it sooner, before all of us, including Gemma, got hurt.