CHAPTER 40
Harvey
Things are harder without Claire around.
I might have the training schedule, but I underestimated her skill and encouragement. Without her, I wouldn’t be in this season of change. At least I don’t think I would. She made me see life and perhaps even myself in a different way.
As the weeks go by, I’m happy that things are settling back into a routine. Though my mom checks up on me often, she comes over less often. I like my space too much to hang out with people all the time.
Henrik’s a very rare exception.
“You okay?” he asks when he sees me struggling one morning after he returns from class. “Are you sure you should be standing without me?” he adds, setting his backpack down near the kitchen island.
“I’m training,” I reply, stating the obvious.
“Yeah, well, wait till I’m home next time.” Henrik has been a little more protective lately, as if I needed that. He acts like a mother hen sometimes, pun intended.
“Alright.” He claps his hands once. “Come to me. Pretend I’m Claire.” He motions to his chest as if he has tits.
“You’re an idiot,” I tell him, shaking my head in disapproval.
“Yeah, yeah, and the sky is green.”
I start to walk to him. It’s been a while, so my muscles resist. I can hear Claire’s voice in my head telling me not to push myself too hard and to start slow and build from there.
I keep going. It’s a short distance, so I take it one step at a time. There’s no parallel bars to support me, no robotic machine to hold me in place. I’m at the mercy of my legs and gravity.
And my legs are trembling.
It takes every ounce of energy in my body to take the next step. But it’s much easier than it would’ve been six months ago. And deep down, I still can’t believe I can walk longer distances in some way.
“Slow and steady,” Henrik encourages me.
Finally, finally, I get to him, and he flicks my forehead jokingly.
“I barely think about Gemma,” I tell my psychologist the following week. I had group therapy for the first time last week, and it was as useless as I figured it’d be.
“And Claire?” asks Dr. Lee.
I snicker. “She’s my biggest motivator.”
He nods. “And why do you think you were able to make those changes for Claire and not Gemma?”
I pause, pondering his question. The reality is, I haven’t given it much thought. In my mind, I did everything I could to fix my relationship with Gemma, so it’s a slap in the face for him to insinuate otherwise.
“I’m not sure what you mean… I told Gemma I’d go to therapy…”
“Yes, after she had already decided to move out and move on.”
The fucker has me there.
“So you’re saying I didn’t put in the effort with Gemma?”
“You did in the way that you could at the time, but perhaps not in the same way you’ve been able to with Claire.”
“Claire’s… I’m in love with her, that’s all.”
He nods and scribbles a few things on his iPad with the pen.
“With her, I always know where I stand,” I add. “I guess with Gemma and her introverted self, I didn’t know where I stood half the time. I guess I filled in the blanks with what I thought of myself, by thinking she was judging me.”
“That’s a very curious, important point you’re making there, Harvey. Do you really think she judged you?”
I think it through. “It felt like it at times. She cared for me and my well-being, that was obvious, but I couldn’t give her what she wanted… I think she couldn’t admit that to herself for the longest time.”
“I’m assuming that you mean romantically, sexually?”
“Yeah.” I shrug.
“Yet you never tried.”
“Never tried what?” I ask, growing frustrated.
“To have a sexual relationship with her.”
“I told you.” I bite my lip. “I had quite a few accidents back then. I felt mortified and didn’t want to risk it happening again. Besides, are you Gemma’s therapist or mine?”
He smiles. “Harvey, we must dig through your past to free you of it. Your relationship with Gemma matters. If you don’t sort this out, it’ll bleed into your relationship with Claire,” Dr. Lee cautions.
I nod.
I wouldn’t want that to happen. I want a clean slate, and I know despite the love I had for Gemma that there’s a lot of unresolved anger there.
“I’m working at the same tattoo shop again, part-time,” I say, eager to change the subject. I recently met with Eddy, the owner, and we agreed to three hours daily to start. I’m doing piercings and small tattoos at first, depending on timing.
“That’s great! How are you feeling about all of this?” Dr, Lee asks.
“I’m nervous…and excited.” I’m looking forward to saving money to buy a new car and modifying it with hand controls so that I can drive. For now, I’ll be relying on my parents and Henrik to drive me to work, since the van wasn’t modified for me to drive, and I’ll need to get a new driver’s license.
“Oh, and I finally told my parents not to hire another in-home nurse or PTA. I’m still seeing my main PT, and I’m confident I can do the training by myself for now.”
Alongside Hen.
“I’m sure that wasn’t easy to do.” He nods, pauses, then continues. “Yet if that’s something you want, having that boundary in place is important.”
My session follows me like a ghost in the following days.
I think about Dr. Lee’s words and my different relationships with Gemma and Claire.
It’s enough to drain me.
That coupled with the twice a day training I’ve been doing to distract myself and my new job has me crashing by nighttime.
Yet despite the tiredness, I feel less bitter as the days go by.
I guess this is what I needed, time post-breakup, and it’s exactly why I let Claire go without putting up a fight.
My mind keeps playing tricks on me and worrying that she’ll find someone else, but another stronger part of me keeps reminding myself to trust the process and focus on myself.
At the end of the day, it’s the only way to get the girl and keep her forever.