CHAPTER 42
Harvey
I can’t help wondering if I’ll ever truly have my life together.
I’ve been in therapy for a few weeks now, and sometimes I feel angrier than ever.
“She cheated on me…that’s why I’m angry at her,” I tell Dr. Lee on a rainy Thursday afternoon after my work shift. “She betrayed me.”
I’ve never moved around this much since I started therapy and working. It’s tiring but also rejuvenating, giving me life in some way.
“What about before you found out she cheated or even before Claire came into the picture. Were you angry with her then?”
I stare at him bewildered. It’s like I’m this guy’s target, for fuck’s sake. “What do you mean? I was angry in general, but not at Gemma.”
“Okay. Try this. Try and explain that anger to me,” he urges.
“It’s hard to explain.” I chuckle. “There are many components to it. I hate who or what I’ve become. I hate being bound to my wheelchair.”
“Despite the improvements you’ve made?” he inquires.
“Yes, of course. I want to walk like I used to. People…we take things for granted.”
“We most certainly do,” he agrees. “So, Harvey, take me back to the first few days and weeks after the accident.”
“It was horrible.” I swallow, then snort. “I wanted to die.”
“The same way you do now?”
I shake my head. “No, different.”
He takes notes and waits patiently for me to continue.
“My legs gave out, but it felt like there was a hole in my chest. I wasn’t the same person anymore. It’s like my spirit died in the accident.”
“And how does it feel now?” he asks gently.
I scowl, having trouble expressing myself. “I feel…ashamed, embarrassed. I’m bitter as hell…” I process my thoughts out loud. “And I’m tired all the time.”
He stares at me with interest. “What you went through was tragic, Harvey. Being nondisabled from birth gave you capabilities that shaped your thrill-seeking nature as you grew up. Losing that was like losing a vital part of yourself.”
I nod, having nothing to add. He describes it perfectly.
“Perhaps you’re grieving the old you. It’s easy to mistake grief for anger or sadness sometimes.”
“Yeah,” I say simply.
“I think you’re rediscovering who this new you is after the trauma, and sometimes, unfortunately, that means shedding parts of our old selves or even people that we had in our lives.”
I tilt my head to the side. “You believe that?”
“I do.” He nods. “This doesn’t apply to everyone, clearly, as some relationships last a lifetime. But it’s important, in order to achieve that, for both people in the relationship to give themselves the space to grow and change. Humans are nothing if not ever-changing.”
“You know, you might be onto something. Claire came into my life, and with her, I could be a totally different person. I could be better, become the person I wanted to be.”
He shrugs. “As life sometimes happens. You and Gemma both had a choice: either grow together or change into new people separately.”
“I guess so.” I stare at the serene painting behind him.
“Let’s go back to the anger regarding Gemma. Were there parts of you that envied her, since her life went on as normal?”
I frown. “Not at all. I was glad it happened to me. I would never have traded with her.”
“Even with her cheating?”
“Even then.”
He adds more notes to his iPad.
“It changed her life too…she didn’t walk away untouched. Our entire relationship changed, and she went from being a girlfriend to a caretaker overnight.”
“That’s how you would describe her, as your caretaker?”
I look away before saying, “That’s the role she took on unintentionally, and it bothered me.”
“And did you share that with her, Harvey, back then?”
“Here and there, yeah, I did. Look, we weren’t the best communicators. With Claire, I’m slowly learning.”
There’s a smirk on his face as he brings his pen up to his cheek. “Were things better in the months after the accident?”
“Yes and no. I was improving physically, but mentally I felt worse. Things that used to take me five minutes now suddenly took forever. It was frustrating. And in public, people either avoided making eye contact with me or stared nonstop. Some meds didn’t help and had shitty side effects, so that was trial and error. And I mean…people got to move on. They weren’t impacted by the accident the way I was.”
“Meaning?”
“Well, Gemma continued to work on campus, yet her hours were flexible, and she often worked remotely.”
“I see.” He bends his knee over his other leg. “And when she got the new job, how was that?”
“That’s when everything changed. She fell for someone else.”
“How did you feel about her starting the job in the first place?”
I sigh. “I was happy for her. It’s what she wanted. I was anxious too, wondering how it would affect us.”
“Understandable. It’s a big change.”
“It was more than a change. It felt like she was moving forward, and I was just stuck—in my room, in my wheelchair. She probably felt it though,” I mutter. “I should’ve been more encouraging after everything she had done for me.”
“Perhaps she felt it,” he agrees. “Maybe she even understood where you were coming from.”
“Yeah.” I clear my throat. “I never realized how much I was indirectly blaming her.”
“It’s hard to lead a life free of pain with others when you’re still anchored to it.”
I chuckle. “It does feel like drowning at times. Still, the accident was a hit-and-run, and I barely directed my energy toward the bastard.”
“Gemma was there, and unfortunately, both of your roles in the relationship shifted afterward,” he affirms.
“I was worried she’d grow to resent me. That’s what stung the most. I resented my new life, and I couldn’t get why she’d stay with me. I thought, way more often than I care to admit, she was with me out of…obligation.”
He nods. “Staying with you was her decision to make.”
“Yeah, well, I pushed her away, to free her of me.”
“An assumption that you strongly believed, yet that doesn’t mean that’s how she felt.” His eyes dart to the side, as if gathering his thoughts. “Tell me, Harvey, what was different with Claire? Why didn’t you think she felt obligated to love you?”
“Well…” I swallow. I don’t like talking about Claire in the past tense as if she’s not a part of my life. “I was already paralyzed when we met. And she fell for me that way.”
“Therefore, you felt more accepted.”
I nod.
The session was both freeing and weighed heavily on me the rest of the week.
It made me realize that both Gemma and I were growing into different people, and the new people we were becoming weren’t a match anymore. I’m still wounded by her actions, but I’m starting to see and understand where she was coming from as well.
It doesn’t lessen the hurt, just the anger. And I’m willing to put it aside to live my own life, since I don’t want to be anchored to pain forever.
Surprisingly, the weeks are flying by. We’re already in May, and this week at work, I maneuvered around my station out of my wheelchair to do certain things—when I had no clients, of course.
I’m hanging out with Henrik now, sitting on a chair on the deck in the backyard, my wheelchair next to me, and it feels mighty great.
I worked today, and I nailed the tattoo.
Training was amazing.
And now the sun’s beaming down on our faces as we each have a beer in hand.
I’m especially happy that I don’t have therapy this week. Dr. Lee’s on vacation—hence giving me some time off from those buzzing afterthoughts.
“Life is good .” Hen exhales happily as he tilts his head back in his chair. He finished his last year of college along with his final exams. I don’t blame him for enjoying this before he starts full-time work at our dad’s construction company, helping with the business side of things.
For the first time in a long time, I’m…happy. I never thought this could happen to me, especially not without Claire or Gemma.
I always felt enslaved by my depression and thought being alone would make it worse. While I do feel it on some days, most of the time, if I can keep busy enough, it helps keep the bad thoughts at bay.
So I nod, and we clink our beers together, going silent after that until Henrik speaks up.
“I thought she was a fling…Claire. I was sure with time apart, you’d see that too, but I think it’s obvious you miss her.”
“I do,” I say simply. “What about you, Hen? Anything serious with anyone?”
He dares to laugh. “Nope.”
I can’t for the life of me figure out which girl ruined this guy so bad that he’d abstain from ever having relationships. But since I don’t like people butting into my business, I choose to stay out of his, at least for today.
Today’s too good of a day.
And I want to spend it with my brother in good humor.
“I’m done with group therapy. It’s not for me.”
“That’s okay,” says Dr. Lee. “It’s not for everyone. You didn’t find solace from the others?”
“Yeah, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change anything. Whether they’re depressed as well doesn’t fix my issues.”
“Perhaps it’s comforting to know you’re not alone though.”
“But we are alone. When tragedy strikes, people weep and comfort you, and then they move on with their lives.”
“Maybe,” he replies, though I’m not sure he agrees. I’m starting to learn his quirks and habits, like when he disagrees. “People do the best they can. I think you will come to find that the people around you love you very much.”
“You don’t sleep with your boss when you love someone else.”
“That’s not for me to confirm nor deny, Harvey.”
I snicker. “Go ahead, say it…I cheated too. I know it.”
“We all have our definition perhaps. It is good that you realize that you hurt her as well.”
“Yeah, I know,” I admit, pushing my ego aside. “I’m starting to get that.”
Dr. Lee knows what he’s doing. He swiftly moves around topics and asks questions to evoke certain revelations.
“It still hurts that we both cheated,” I tell him. “I can’t imagine going through this again with Claire.”
“Of course it does. You felt betrayed and unloved in some ways. But, Harvey, we can’t always know if we can trust the person that we love. Only time, through their words and actions, will determine if we can trust them.”
“What I have with Claire…it’s special. I can’t ruin that.”
“That’s why you’re here. To work on yourself.”
“It’s hard to feel like a man. Even now when I sit on the couch or a chair, my legs are different. Muscle atrophy’s a bitch, and it’s going to take years before I can regain use of certain muscles,” I tell Dr. Lee during another session the following week.
And that’s just the physical aspect of it. The reality is, it’s as if parts of my brain have shut off as well, as if it forgot how to do many things.
“Surely you can’t believe that women don’t see a good-looking man when they look at you?”
I shrug. “I don’t feel it anymore. I used to joke and be cocky around women, and since the accident…nothing.”
“What about Claire?” he questions. “Even Gemma…you mentioned that she tried to initiate sexual contact. Do you believe these women lied when they said they wanted you? You don’t think they could’ve been attracted to you in a wheelchair?”
“It’s possible they could have…”
“It’s very possible.” He smirks.
“It’s messed up, but it was easier to risk it with Claire and to take a chance on sexual…encounters because I was physically stronger then and hadn’t had any accidents in a while. Also, it was obvious that I could…get hard around Claire. Meanwhile, I couldn’t with Gemma. I don’t know why.”
“Perhaps it doesn’t even matter. Gemma is the past. Your body reacted that way, and you fell in love with Claire. So that’s our focus from now on. You might get angry with Gemma still, that frustration might come and go, but the whole point is to make sure you don’t let that feeling encroach on your other relationships.”
I nod.
“People have choices,” he goes on. “When they choose us, it’s a precious gift. There are millions of men that Claire could’ve fallen for, and she chose you. She loves you and wants a sexual relationship with you, and that must count for something. Even on days when you’re not feeling as confident.”
“Yeah.” I clear my throat. “Things are different with her. I still wish I could go back though. I’d do anything to walk again.”
“Even go back in time?” Dr. Lee wonders. “Would you go back pre-accident with Gemma and walk again, but never meet Claire?”
I look away, trying to process the disturbing emotions I feel from such a heavy question. All the thoughts and what-ifs it brings to the surface. “That’s not a fair question…” I swallow, trying to contain the overwhelming wave of sadness and conflict I feel coming on. “I don’t fucking know. I mean…this accident ruined my life and destroyed me, and I still feel the weight of all of it crushing me almost daily . But…Claire has revived me, and I more than love this woman, even though I know I messed up.”
“It’s okay,” he tells me. “You don’t have to answer. It doesn’t even matter either way.”
I’m relieved when he realizes the impossibility of his question, because deep down, no matter how much I love Claire with all my heart, I would love to be able to walk again and be the old me.
Even Dr. Lee swallows as he uncrosses his legs and puts his iPad and pen aside. “What you went through was horrible, but you’re strong, Harvey.”
“Maybe.” I chuckle. “I’ll never be grateful this happened to me though.”
“Perhaps it’s not about accepting this new life and its challenges with gratitude. Perhaps it’s accepting what is and what has happened, and being grateful for the life that you can have now, today.”
I’m glad the session is over because I feel like crying like a little bitch.
I need to go home.
And game.
And de-stress.
I see Audrey in front of the grocery store on Saturday morning.
“Audrey!” I say, a little loud, ensuring she hears me. When she turns around, looking at me with an incredulous stare, I ask her, “How is she?”
This might be a rude way to start a conversation, but I can’t help it.
I miss hanging out with Claire.
And I want her back.
Now that I’m doing much better and putting the past behind me, I know we can do this—the proper way.
“Why don’t you ask her yourself? She’s inside.” She points to the store with her chin.
I wheel into the store quicker than I ever have since I’ve been in this chair. When I finally spot her, she’s in a white flowy dress, her breasts on display and her hair tied up.
She looks amazing, and as always, her manicured nails match her outfit.
When she notices me, her eyes widen and she looks surprised as she clears her throat. “Harvey,” she says softly.
And just like that, we’re back to where we first started.
Except we get to start on a fresh page.
I want that badly for us.
I know that Dr. Lee would say I’m moving too fast. But I doubt that the guy understands how easily Claire could end up with someone else. She’s mesmerizing, and I want her all to myself.
“Claire.”
She puts a bag of oatmeal in her cart and looks up at me. “I didn’t think I’d see you here. It’s good to see you out and about.” She smiles and fuck my life did I miss that smile.
“Yeah, well…” I run my thumb along my jaw as I continue. “I go out a lot more now since I got my job back at the tattoo parlor.”
“Seriously? That’s really good!” She pushes the hairs that have fallen around her face back. “I didn’t know that you reapplied.”
“I didn’t want to tell you until I knew I could pull it off…”
“Well, I’m happy for you. You seem happier.” She beams as she says this.
“I am, in a lot of ways. Anyway…you’re doing good?” I ask, changing the subject.
“I am. I got two in-home contracts.”
“That’s great.” I wheel closer to her, taking her hand boldly. We both swallow and stare at each other in the cereal aisle as if we’re somewhere else, away from everyone.
It’s our world.
And we can do or make anything we want out of it.
I’m learning that and then some this year.
“Can I take you out on a date?” Our fingers intertwine, and I add, “Please,” as I squeeze her hand gently.
“Promise you’ll be a gentleman?” She curtsies flirtingly.
“I’ll keep my hands to myself. My mind, on the other hand…”
She shakes her head, and I’m grinning. “Are you sure?” she asks, serious this time. “We can wait longer if you need to.”
“Claire, I’ve never been surer of anything in my life.”
“Okay.” She nods, clutching her purse now. “I’ll go on a date with you, Harvey.”
“Tonight?”
She cocks her head to the side. “This is the part where I pretend to be busy.”
“Usually, yeah, but you love me, and you know I’m in love with you, Claire.”
She sighs. “You don’t play fair.”
I shrug, giving her a bit of space. “I know what I want.”
“Tell you what, I’ll agree to dinner tonight if you’ll consider going to a therapy session with me.”
“Done. I’ll schedule our session with Dr. Lee.”
She looks at me perplexed, no doubt having expected some backlash. That’s when I move closer to her again. “I want you, this, us , Claire. I’m all in. Things will be different this time. And this time, we take it at your pace.”
She’s sporting the biggest smile on her face.