Chapter 19 #2
“Jackson, be real. It’s Beau.” I feel guilty as I say it, like I’m devaluing him and betraying him.
But we agreed that Jackson could never know about this, and I can’t betray Beau by telling her.
Besides, it’s not a long-term thing, so it’s not worth going to battle with my best friend over it. Over him.
“Okay,” she says tentatively. “So why was he at Sydney’s wedding with you?”
“She needed a photographer on short notice, and he was free that weekend so he came to Vegas.” Sydney didn’t ask him to photograph her wedding, he just showed up with his camera and did it because he was there and wanted her to have good photos.
But it’s the only logical reason I can give her for why he’d be there, because the only other option is the truth—he was there for me.
“Beau is a photographer?”
It occurs to me that she really doesn’t know him.
Not the adult version of him anyway. He was thirteen when she went to college and fifteen when she left college to start racing professionally.
She spent half of her early twenties traveling the globe for ski racing, and then once she was injured, she went to grad school in Utah and got a job in Park City.
It makes me realize she didn’t put in much of an effort to keep in touch with him.
Which resonates with what he said the other night.
I don’t know why I never noticed it before.
“As a hobby,” I say, because I know that he doesn’t want his family to know about the business he’s building, even though I don’t really understand why.
“So there’s really nothing going on?”
I can’t say no, because that would feel like an outright lie. You are lying, that annoyingly honest voice in my head says. So instead I say, “Jackson, he’s your little brother. He’s five years younger than me. And I’m only interested in serious relationships.”
All the reasons that nothing should have happened between us. But I let it happen anyway and now he’s about to leave. We only have one night left together, and it’s breaking my freaking heart.
She lets out a little laugh. “Yeah, it did seem a bit too far-fetched. But you just looked so comfortable with each other, like you’d only be that comfortable with someone you were dating.”
“Or someone you were living with,” I remind her.
“All right,” she concedes. “Thanks for talking me off the ledge. I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions.”
The guilt twists like a knife in my stomach. But I know how she feels about Beau, and I can guess what this would do to that already strained relationship. Even if I was willing to take her wrath, or her disappointment, or whatever it would be, I’m not willing to subject him to that.
“You are hardly the only one,” I remind her. “Half the internet thinks we’re dating or that we should be.”
“Yeah, they’re going to be disappointed when he leaves.
” Her words hit me like a sucker punch. Even though I’ve been preparing myself for the reality of him leaving, hearing her say it so casually hurts.
And it hurts even more to know that I won’t be able to turn to my lifelong best friend for comfort when he’s gone.
“They’ll get over it,” I say. Just like I’ll have to.
We say our goodbyes and hang up.
I didn’t even realize that I was sitting there ramrod straight, my whole body tensed like I was ready for battle until I collapse back into the chair and feel the relief wash over me.
I lie there with my head against the back of the chair and my eyes closed, taking deep breaths, and trying to calm my racing heart.
After a minute or two, I realize that I need to get back to Petra and Lauren before they realize something’s wrong.
I sit up and open my eyes and find them both standing in the doorway.
“You have so much explaining to do,” Petra says as she levels me with her best serious glare.
“Did Beau really come to Vegas with you?” Lauren asks. “Are you guys together?”
I can feel the heat creeping up my chest and across my neck and over my face. I’m dying inside. It’s one thing to evade Jackson’s questions over the phone, but entirely another to lie to my friends, face-to-face.
“It’s a really long story.” I shrug.
“Thankfully, we have all night,” Petra says.
But we don’t have all night. This is my last night with Beau, and even though I want to be here to support Lauren while her husband is off on a backcountry ski trip and she’s alone with their twins, I also don’t want to miss out on more time with Beau than I have to.
In less than twenty-four hours, I’ll be able to devote all my extra time to my friends.
“Let’s eat,” I suggest, “before the food gets cold. I can explain over dinner.”
By the time we’re done with dinner, I’ve told them the whole story, and now they are both silent, looking at me like they don’t know what to say.
“Your silence is scaring me.” I tear off a piece of naan bread and scoop the last of my chicken tikka masala from my plate.
“I’m never speechless,” Petra says. “But I don’t know what to say.”
“You were the one who suggested I invite him to Vegas and told me a little fling wouldn’t hurt anything. If I remember correctly, I think you said it was a ‘great idea.’”
Lauren’s head swivels and she looks at Petra with alarm. “Did you really?”
“Obviously, the girl needed to have some rebound sex to help her get over Peter.”
“I was over Peter the minute I saw him with his administrative assistant,” I insist. “I was angry, not sad. This thing with Beau was not about getting over Peter, and I don’t want it tainted by the assumption that it was.
” I look down at my plate when I tell them, “And now what I feared most is actually happening. I’ve caught feelings for him, but he’s leaving anyway. ”
“You knew he was leaving when this started,” Petra reminds me.
“Which is why I wasn’t going to let anything happen,” I say. “But the attraction was so strong, and since I’ve never had no-strings-attached sex, I thought ‘why not?’ And of course my feelings got involved, like they always do.”
“He did ask you to come to Aspen, though,” Lauren adds hopefully.
“Let’s say I went there next week. We’d have a few more days together. Maybe even grow closer, and my feelings would get even stronger. And then he’s still going to leave. Most of the time, we don’t even live on the same continent. How could this ever work?”
“Would you ever consider going with him? You know, beyond Aspen? Like for the full snowboarding season?” Petra asks.
My food suddenly feels like a rock in my stomach.
“He hasn’t asked. And I don’t know how that would even work.
I need a job, I’m still paying off my student loans.
Plus, traveling is expensive and, unlike Beau, I don’t have sponsors to pay for it.
And I’m too old to be following some twenty-five-year-old around the globe. ”
They both sigh, like they’ve finally recognized the hopelessness of the situation. “Your best bet,” Petra says, “is probably to let this die once he leaves Park City, then.”
“I know,” I say, my eyes filling with tears.
“And I hate that. Why did the guy who is perfect for me have to be him? A wanderer. He’ll probably move on to another woman in the next country he’s in, and I’ll be here nursing a broken heart.
” The tears spill over my eyelids and stream down my face. “How did I let this happen?”
“Just because it’s not turning out how you hoped doesn’t mean it was a mistake,” Lauren says. “Now you know what you’re looking for in a guy, and you know how good a relationship can be. You can use that moving forward.”
I don’t want to move forward with anyone but Beau. The thought has the tears falling even faster, because what I want isn’t possible. Even if it was what he wanted too, our lives are moving in opposite directions and there’s no way to ignore that truth.