17. Cj
CJ
CJ pulled back abruptly, putting space between them before he could stop himself. He felt the loss of contact immediately, and he shuddered slightly before turning on his heel and moving through the open space to the living room.
“That—” He dragged a hand through his hair as he paced from one side of the room to the other. “That actually didn’t answer anything. If anything, that made it worse.”
He stopped short of the wall of windows and stared out at the bay for a moment, waiting to see if Evan would say anything.
When he stayed silent, CJ focused his gaze on the reflection in the glass so he could see the kitchen.
Evan hadn’t moved much, just turned so he could watch CJ unravel, and CJ pretended he wasn’t disappointed that Evan hadn’t followed him.
He paced again, faster this time. “Because now—now we know it’s still there, right?
” CJ gestured vaguely between them, still not looking directly at Evan.
His words started to trip over each other as his brain tried to catch up to his racing thoughts.
“Which, okay. That’s great. Fantastic. Love that for us.
But that just—” He snapped his mouth shut and exhaled heavily through his nose. “That just complicates everything.”
They’d spent seven years pretending they were strangers, and now it was…gone. Wiped out in the span of a single kiss.
“That shouldn’t have felt like that,” he muttered.
There was silence behind him, but it wasn’t the charged kind from just a few minutes ago.
That quiet had hummed with anticipation and heat.
This was quieter and cautious. CJ frowned, and he glanced up, turning just enough to see Evan’s reflection in the glass.
He was still in the kitchen, but there’d been a subtle shift in his posture, small enough that most people wouldn’t notice, but CJ did.
Evan stood motionless, jaw set tighter than it had been before, like he was bracing for a hit.
“Shit,” he whispered.
CJ’s chest tightened, and he turned to look at Evan so he could really see him, and the look on his face made his stomach drop.
He knew that look. He had seen it years ago, when he’d made a decision for both of them and walked away, leaving Evan to figure out how to put himself back together.
Of course he wasn’t moving. CJ had pulled away again, and now he was pacing and muttering like he needed to talk himself out of something.
CJ swallowed hard as he realized Evan hadn’t followed him to the living room because he didn’t know if he was welcome to. Because last time, he hadn’t been.
“Hey,” CJ said, his voice louder than he intended.
Evan’s gaze flicked up to meet his, and yeah, there it was.
CJ could see the uncertainty Evan was trying to hide behind a mask of indifference.
It wasn’t obvious, but it was there in the way he held his shoulders steady and the way his eyes stayed on CJ like he was trying to figure out what was going to happen next. Like he was bracing to be blindsided.
“Okay,” he said to himself. He needed to fix this. Then, a little louder, “Hang on.”
Evan watched him as he made his way back to the kitchen and stopped a few feet away. He was close enough to see the hesitation that had crept onto Evan’s face and the way he was holding himself in place until CJ made it clear where they stood.
“I’m doing that thing again,” he said, dragging a hand down the back of his neck.
Evan’s brow furrowed slightly. “What thing?”
CJ let out a quiet breath, and it would have been a laugh if there’d been any real humor in it. “Letting my thoughts spiral,” he said. “Talking myself in circles until it feels like the only thing I can do is…nothing.”
CJ stepped closer, and Evan stayed still. But he didn’t step back either, so that was something. He just stood there, eyes trained somewhere just over CJ’s shoulder, letting CJ make his decision.
“Hey,” CJ said again, and Evan looked at him. CJ held his stare. “I don’t want to do nothing this time, Ev.”
The words came out steady even though everything else in him felt off balance. Evan didn’t respond, and CJ read the rigid set of his body, saw the hesitation again, and knew Evan was still unsure. CJ took another step forward.
“I know I was the one who ended things,” he said.
Evan’s jaw tightened just slightly. “Yeah.” There was no anger or accusation in his voice.
“I know what that did to you,” he continued, quieter now. “Or…I know enough.”
Evan’s eyes darted away for a second, and CJ knew Evan wouldn’t give him access to that part of him so easily.
“I’m not doing that again.”
Evan rolled his eyes with a soft huff of disbelief. “You can’t just say that and make it—”
“I know,” CJ cut in with a shake of his head. “I know I can’t promise you something like that or expect it to fix anything. And I’m not asking you to just believe me. I know I’ll have to prove it to you, but I’m not running this time.”
Evan’s gaze returned to CJ’s face, his eyes searching for a lie. But it wasn’t there, and CJ met his eyes easily.
“I invited you here,” he said as he took another step toward Evan. “I kissed you back, and I’m not walking away or telling you to leave, even though my brain is doing everything it can to convince me that this is a terrible idea.”
Evan watched him, and CJ saw his shoulders ease a fraction as his eyes darted to the shrinking space between them. He still radiated hesitation, but he was listening, and CJ could work with that.
“I know it’s going to take more than this for you to believe me.” CJ closed the last few inches of space between them and his hand came up, settling lightly against Evan’s side. Evan’s breath caught, just barely, but enough for CJ to feel it beneath his palm. “But I want this. I want you.”
“Yeah?” Evan asked, and CJ heard the smallest crack of uncertainty in his voice.
CJ didn’t hesitate, and his voice was steady and certain when he spoke. “Yeah.”
“Okay,” Evan murmured.
That was enough for CJ, and he closed the remaining distance, hand sliding from Evan’s side to the small of his back, fingers splayed.
This time, the kiss wasn’t rushed. It wasn’t frantic like the first one, which had been all sharp edges and pent-up tension snapping loose at once.
It was slower and deeper, intentional and filled with all of the emotions they’d been holding back.
One of Evan’s hands found the back of his neck, steady and warm, and the other curled around CJ’s hip, pulling him close.
Then CJ’s hands were moving again, gripping Evan’s shoulders as he walked them backward out of the kitchen, only stopping when Evan’s back hit the wall with a soft thud.
The impact sent a jolt of want through him, and he pressed his thigh between Evan’s legs.
Evan’s hands found their way to CJ’s chest and his fingers tangled and twisted in CJ’s shirt, knuckles pressing against his chest as his hips rocked forward and arched into CJ, seeking friction.
“You have no idea,” CJ murmured against Evan’s mouth, and his lips curved into a smile as Evan shuddered beneath his hands. “How long I’ve wanted this.”
The quiet admission seemed to destroy the last of Evan’s control, and he used the hands twisted in the front of CJ’s shirt as leverage to spin them until CJ was the one with his back against the wall.
Evan crushed his mouth to CJ’s, kissing him with a wild desperation and grinding his hips against CJ’s.
The layers of denim between them were an infuriating barrier as CJ reached around and cupped Evan’s ass, trying to pull him closer.
His fingers tangled in Evan’s hair and he tightened his grip just enough to pull a moan from Evan.
“Bedroom,” CJ gasped against Evan’s lips, and the word sounded barely coherent to him. “Now, Evan.”
Mouths still fused, they stumbled more than walked down the short hallway to CJ’s bedroom, a tangle of limbs that bounced off the walls in their rush.
The bedroom door was ajar, and it slammed into the wall as they crashed through it.
Evan propelled him backward until the edge of the mattress caught the back of CJ’s knees and he dropped to the bed.
He pulled Evan down with him. The impact knocked a breathless laugh out of both of them as they landed in a loose sprawl, half on top of each other and half sideways across the bed.
For a second, neither of them moved. They just lay there, chests rising and falling too fast, faces inches apart as they tried to catch their breath and get their bearings.
It didn’t work. CJ couldn’t be anything except off-kilter when Evan was right there with kiss-swollen lips and disheveled hair, eyes dark and fixed on CJ like he still didn’t believe this was real.
“Graceful,” he murmured, one hand rubbing up and down Evan’s side.
“You dragged me down with you,” Evan protested with a laugh.
“Did not,” CJ shot back automatically.
“Did too.”
CJ shook his head and his mouth curved into a grin as they moved their entire bodies onto the bed, but they didn’t move far from each other.
Evan’s body was still pressed along his side, and the heat from it was distracting enough that the humor faded fast and shifted into something quieter.
His eyes dropped to Evan’s mouth again, just for a second, before he caught himself.
He slid a hand between them until his fingers found the hem of Evan’s shirt.
He hesitated for a moment before raising his eyes to Evan’s.
“Still okay?” he asked. The whispered words sounded loud in the quiet.
“Yeah,” Evan said. “You?”
CJ nodded. “Yeah.”
CJ eased Evan’s shirt up, just an inch, until his fingers brushed against the skin of his stomach.
Evan shivered and moved enough to allow CJ to pull the T-shirt over his head, the collar catching briefly on his chin before it was tossed aside.
The apartment was cool and Evan’s skin was hot beneath CJ’s palms. He smiled softly as he ran them over Evan’s pecs and his nipples pebbled under the attention.