Chapter Twenty-Two
“Nik?”
I turned to find my very sleepy street racer standing behind the island with nothing but his jeans on. To make matters worse, they were unbuttoned. His eyes trailed down the length of me, from his T-shirt to my bare legs.
“Hey,” I greeted, my voice quiet. He ran a hand through his hair, and I turned back to the stove, stirring the contents of the skillet. Keeping my eyes on the rice, chicken, and veggies, I felt him come up behind me. For a moment, I worried that he wouldn’t want to touch me, but those fears melted away when I felt his arms band around me. A second later, I felt his head lean against mine.
“You didn’t have to cook,” he rumbled.
“I like cooking,” I told him quietly.
A hum came from his throat. “I know you do, Nik.”
Such a simple sentence, but the words were so heavy. He knew nearly everything about me—heart and soul. But I knew, deep down, even with everything I am, everything we’d been through and overcome, it wasn’t enough.
Not for him.
I continued cooking, keeping my attention on the food as he stood behind me, holding me. I reached for the seasoning, and as I sprinkled it over the top, he broke the silence. “We need to talk.”
There it was.
“Right,” I muttered, moving away from him. As his arms fell away from me, I ignored the twinge of pain in my chest. The heat of his gaze burned into my back as I walked to the fridge, lifting my hand to the handle.
Suddenly, I was whipped around, my back pressed against the fridge with Cain caging me in. He leaned in, his eyes almost as hard at his jaw. “What’s wrong?”
Everything.
Everything was wrong.
“I have to get that off the heat,” I stammered, pointing to the stove. It was a shit excuse, but it was the only one I had.
“Already off,” he clipped.
My mouth closed. He stared at me for a while, and when it became too much for me, I looked down, loving how close he was to me. His warm fingers gripped my chin, jerking my head back up. “Baby, forgive me for this, but what the fuck?” The words were soft spoken, but something sinister was woven within them.
“Cain, we have to get to Oasis.”
He nodded. “Yes, we do. But we aren’t leaving here until you let me in that gorgeous head of yours.”
I swallowed. “We don’t have the time.”
“We can fucking make it,” he bit off, his jaw jumping.
I remained silent once again.
He muttered a curse and looked out the window.
A thick, heavy silence settled over us, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. He dropped his hand from me and took a step back, looking to the floor. I didn’t move an inch, paralyzed with the inevitable heartbreak he was about to cause.
“Cain, we have to eat and go,” I told him.
He shook his head once, shadows falling over his features. “We’re going to have a conversation, Nik.”
My bottom lip trembled, and his eyes dropped to it before snapping up to mine. I watched, my eyes stinging as he nodded slightly, pushing off. “Right,” he muttered as he took a step back.
I let out a shuddering breath. “We don’t have to do this,” I whispered. “We can just go back to the way things were—”
“What the fuck just happened?” he quipped, his voice hard. He pointed to the tattoo on his chest. “Because I just had the best fucking four hours of my life, Nik. I got to finally be connected to the one person I thought I could never have, the strongest woman I’ve ever known, a woman who takes my goddamn breath away every single time I see her. I got to fuck her, then make love to her. For the first time in my life, I thought that everything I’d been through was worth it.”
Knives formed in my throat, stabbing my voice box.
Pain slashed across his handsome features as his hand slowly fell away. “I know I’m not good enough for you, baby. I know I’m trash. I don’t deserve you or your fucking light. I didn’t deserve it when we were kids, and I sure as fuck don’t deserve it now. Not with the shit I’ve done, the people I’ve hurt,” he pushed out, his voice cracking.
I began shaking my head, but he rocked me to my core.
“I know all of that, and yet, I’m not fucking leaving.”
“You sure about that?” I shot back. “Because Mina says otherwise.”
He was leaving—tonight. That’s what the meeting at Oasis is about. Cain was leaving St. Louis and there was no telling when he was coming back.
“What?”
The dam broke.
I broke—again.
“You don’t think I just had the best time of my life? You don’t think that the second you entered me, I finally felt complete?”
He stiffened, his eyes flashing.
I began shaking my head. “It’s always been you, Cain! There’s no one else for me. There’s never been. You grew up in home of harsh words and punches.” I pointed to my chest. “I grew up in a home with silent venom.”
Confusion slammed into him. “What? What are you—”
“Your mom beat you; my mom poisoned me!” I shouted. My hands shot into my hair as I pushed off the fridge, pacing the length of the kitchen. “We moved to Detroit because Dad lost his job. He promised my mom the world and, before we moved, she was everything. She was kind, gentle, warm, and she loved me. She was the best mother a little girl could ask for. When Dad lost his job, she resented him and me.” I turned to him, my hand dropping to my sides. “She hated me for having breath in my lungs and a mouth she needed to feed. Mom came from luxury, and when she fell in love with my dad…she took a chance.”
“Dominique…”
“She stopped looking at me in the eye the day we moved into the house. She stopped touching me a few weeks later. She stopped touching Dad. She stopped talking to me when I started school. She ignored me, acted like I didn’t fucking exist. She drowned her fucking problems in cheap wine that she would make Dad buy. After I would go to bed, she would scream at him and throw shit. I heard everything. She said she hated me, him, and the house. I know your mom was a piece of shit, Cain, I know she was. You have no idea how much I wanted to be your hero and save you.”
He flinched.
I swallowed the knives and pushed out, “But at least your mom looked at you. At least she acknowledged your existence.” I shook my head, cursing myself. “I didn’t—I didn’t mean it like that. What you and Xander went through was hell, there’s no doubting that, babe…but I was in hell, too.” I sob left me. “Then, you started talking to me one Christmas, and honest to God, Cain, that was the best present I’d ever been given.”
Cain moved then, coming around the island, and a second later, my head was in his hands, his lips crashing down onto mine. A rough sound left him as he kissed me hard, forcing my mouth open with his tongue before he plunged inside. My hands came to his sides, his skin hot. A second later, he dropped a hand, his arm banding around my waist, holding me to him as his opposite hand snaked into my hair.
“My fucking clover girl,” he breathed out against my lips. “My fucking baby.”
I whimpered as he pulled away, staring at me with an intensity in his eyes I’d never seen before. My mouth opened, and more words spilled from my lips, like an endless waterfall. “You say I’m your lucky charm, but Cain, you were mine. You were the reason I kept smiling day in and day out. You were the reason I didn’t give into the pain my mom was causing me. You were the reason, Cain. You’ve always been my reason.”
“Nik,” he murmured.
My voice trembled. “I chased you because I couldn’t lose my reason. I couldn’t lose the boy I fell in love with.”
“Fuck,” he groaned, his face going into my neck as his other arm dropped. He held me against him, hugging me tightly. “Fuck, clover. Fuck.”
“I didn’t mean to disregard the things your mom did,” I stammered. “I-I’m sorry, I just…you needed to know why.”
His lips pressed against my skin, kissing me. A second later, he was looking at me again, shaking his head. “I should’ve never pushed you away,” he admitted, guilt and regret laced his deep voice. “I should’ve kept kissing you that night instead of breaking your heart, Nik. I shouldn’t have left.”
My hands came to his face. “Then stay,” I begged. “Don’t leave me again.”
His brow furrowed. “Leave you?”
“Mina said you’re leaving. Tonight.”
His hold on me loosened, and he stepped back as anger radiated from him.
“Don’t leave me again, Cain,” I begged. “Whatever it is, we can figure this out together.” I stepped forward, grabbing his wrists, putting his hands back on my waist. “Stay with me—stay here.”
“I’m not leaving, Nik,” he said, his voice no longer soft. “I’m going after Kavi.”
My stomach dropped. “What?”
“I know where he’s at. We got confirmation from Ivan. I’m going into the Devils Den and I’m dragging his ass out. Dead or alive.”
My blood ran cold as fear slithered into the loft, swirling around my feet.
Then, it was my turn to step back.
I knew about Devils Den. I’d heard about it at a meet years ago. I also knew that it was a place for bad people who did very bad things.
“You’re out of your fucking mind,” I whispered.
“I don’t have a choice,” he shot back.
“That’s bullshit!” I snapped, throwing my hands in the air.
“If I don’t do this, then—”
“Then what?” I cut him off. His mouth closed, his jaw jumping. “Then you stay here with Oasis—with me—and we fight Kavi together?”
Suddenly, my face was in his hands again as he twisted us, pinning my body to the counter. “You aren’t fighting anyone,” he declared , his voice dangerously low, filled with darkness. “You aren’t getting anywhere near him.”
“I can take care of myself,” I told him, keeping my voice level.
“No, you can’t,” he scoffed, turning away from me. He walked into the living room, keeping his back to me. “I have to do this.”
“Why?” I pushed, following him. The fear had me now. If Cain went in there by himself…he’d never come out. “You don’t get to pull his caveman card on me, Cain. Just because we’re finally starting something, doesn’t mean you get to dictate my life.”
“That’s not it,” he bit off, running his hands through his hair, his back still to me.
“I’m a big girl. In case you forgot, I got where I am today on my own. You have no idea—”
He whirled on me then, roaring, “Your fucking car blew up!”
I jerked back at the pain in his eyes—the fear.
“You were in a burning car,” he seethed, baring his white teeth. “I watched the love of my fucking life almost burn to death! Because of him!” His voice bounced off the walls, echoing throughout the loft. He took a step towards me. “Don’t tell me you want to fight beside me, Nik, because I don’t want you beside me. I want you safe. I want you untouched. I want you alive.”
“Babe—”
“I will not watch you get hurt again because of me!” The agony in his voice struck me in the middle of the chest, right in my heart. “Yeah, baby, I’ve been through hell. I had a rough childhood. I don’t care about that anymore. I haven’t thought about my mother in years. Honestly, I hope that bitch is dead. I hope her body is rotting in that fucking house. I don’t care about her. I care about you. I care about Oasis. I care about the family I have here.”
“I know,” I croaked, my voice thick.
“Leaving The Pit was the worst mistake I made.”
“Why did you go?” I asked. I didn’t know the whole story yet. I watched as his neck worked, uncertainty in his eyes. I took a small step towards him. “Did it have something to do with you ending up in a Texas prison?”
He ran his hand over his face as an exhausted sigh left him. “We doing this here?”
“If you stay, we can do it later,” I told him, shifting on my feet.
Cain wasn’t staying. He made that clear as he said, “It was drug run. We got stopped in Texas, and I was arrested.”
“And that’s where you met Leon?” I pressed, trying to piece everything together.
“A few years later, yeah.”
My lips parted. “A—a few years?”
“I was in prison for a good minute, Nik,” he told me.
I inhaled a deep breath, this information racking my brain. Dropping my head, I released the breath on the shudder. “Okay.”
“My life has been shit,” he said, his voice monotone. When I lifted my head, his pale gaze pierced my soul. “You were the one thing that wasn’t shit, and I threw you away.”
“You didn’t—”
“Baby, I was forced into the Bratva to pay a debt that wasn’t mine,” he explained softly. “It was Xander’s.” Shock struck me like lightening, but he wasn’t done. “He got into some bad shit without realizing it, and the night before Leon and I were supposed to bust out of prison, I got approached by some of Kavi’s men. They told me I had two choices: let Xander die or pay off his debt.”
“H-how did they know where to find you?” I blurted out, my mind running in a thousand different directions.
Cain let out a dark chuckle, shaking his head. “Because the drugs I was running were stolen from Kavi.”
“Holy shit,” I breathed.
He looked out the window again, putting his hands into his sweat pockets. ”I’ve seen things and done things that shouldn’t touch you, beautiful.”
I took another step. “I can handle it,” I told him.
Slowly, he looked back to me, his jaw hard, his eyes full of a haunting pain. “You need to let me handle this.”
“The days of you handling shit alone are done, Cain,” I shot back.
“You’re staying here.”
“And so are you. We’ll figure this out together.”
He shook his head again. “I’m not arguing with you about this. The decision has been made,” he clipped.
My sweet Cain, always trying to save everyone but himself. He lost years of his life protecting his brother. Xander fucking left the day he turned eighteen and never came back. He turned his back on Cain, leaving him with that awful woman.
“Right, and was that before or after you admitted you loved me?” The question came out as a whisper.
“Please,” he begged. “Let me do this.”
“You can, Cain, but I’m coming with you. You aren’t doing this alone.”
“Fuck,” he barked, shoving his hands into his hair. “Why is this so hard for you to comprehend?” he bellowed. “Why don’t you understand?”
“You’ve spent your entire life fighting battles alone, Cain,” I shouted back. If he was going to raise his voice, then so was I. More tears stung my eyes. “You don’t have to do that anymore! You have Oasis! You have the boys!” My chest heaved. “Dammit, Cain, you have me!”
“Stop,” he ordered, his voice shaking as he tried to keep his composure intact.
“No. Why is it so hard for you to comprehend?” I asked softly, repeating his words. “Why don’t you understand that I’d follow you into the depths of hell just to be with you?”
He stared at me for a long time, his chest heaving, his features appearing pained before his dam broke.
Then, I watched as the infamous Cain Donovan crumbled.
He fell to his knees, his head in his hands as a wretched sob left him. “I can’t—I can’t lose you. I don’t know how much more I can take,” he admitted, another sob leaving him. He dropped his hands and looked up at me, his eyes filled with tears. “Please don’t put me through that again, baby.”
A twinge of pain shot through my chest like a bullet. “Cain—”
“After we pulled you from the car, Dontell put you in my arms, and—and all I could was stare at you,” he explained, his body sagging. “Fuck, I had to memorize every single inch of your face, clover. I had to, because when I die, that’s all I want to see.”
My knees wobbled, but he kept going, holding my eyes as a single tear fell down his cheek. “If you had died that night, baby, I would’ve died too.”
His words rocked my soul, and I was falling.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I fell to my knees in front of him and, without a second thought, I was scrambling to get to him as he croaked, “If I’d lost you, nothing would matter anymore. I’d just fucking gotten you back. You weren’t mine, but you were near me—in my life. That was good enough for me. Fuck, just being near you was good enough for me, Nik. I was willing to live with that…but I can’t live without you. The second I realized it was you in the car—”
Within seconds, I had his face in my hands. “No, no, no,” I chanted. “You wouldn’t have—”
“Yes,” he pushed out on a harsh breath. “There’s no me without you. I’m nothing without you.”
“Cain—”
“You’re my reason too,” he rasped as he pulled our foreheads together.
I inhaled an unsteady breath, my heart pounding.
“I know you can fight your own battles. I know you’re strong. I know you can handle your own shit. I know my clover girl is fierce, but when it comes to you, I’m not. I’m desperate. If I lose you…”
“You aren’t going to lose me, Cain. We can fight side by side. We—”
“Let me love you. Let me protect you. Let me be the man you deserve,” he begged.
“You are the man I deserve,” I told him, my voice soft.
He shook his head against me.
“You leave, I’ll follow,” I told him, sitting back.
“No.”
“You leave, I’ll follow,” I repeated, my voice firm.
“No, I won’t—”
I moved then, straddling his lap as I wrapped my arms around his neck. “You leave, I’ll follow,” I whispered, leaning down as my lips brushed against his. “Spent my life racing after you, Cain. I have no issues doing it again.” I kissed him, slow and gentle, showing him how he’s supposed to be loved.
His arms came around me then, whimpering into my mouth as I moved my hips against him, immediately feeling his hardness against me, his jeans only adding to the pressure. I pulled my hand from around his neck, trailing it over his shoulder, down his chest and abs, and put it between us. I pushed up slightly, breaking the kiss and looking down as I shoved my hands into his jeans. My fingers wrapped around his hard cock and my lips parted at the contacted.
“Nik,” he murmured.
I pulled his cock free then moved to pull my panties to the side. I rose up higher, bracing my other hand on his shoulder as I lined myself up with him. Then, I looked back to his face, staring into his eyes as I promised, “You leave, I’ll follow. Wherever you go, I go.” Slowly, I inched my way down onto his cock. I tried my best to swallow my whimper as he stretched me again, my pussy still sore.
It was slow process—utter torture for him. His head fell back as his hands snaked underneath my shirt, going to my waist.
“Say it,” I whispered, stopping halfway.
“Fuck, Nik,” he breathed, his voice raw.
I moved up and back down, stopping halfway again as his fingers flexed on my waist. “Wherever you go, I go, Cain. Say it,” I panted.
His head snapped forward, his upper lip curling. “Go down,” he ordered.
I shook my head. “Not until you say it.”
Those pale blue eyes darkened, and suddenly, my back was on the floor. Before I could protest, he pulled all the way out and slammed inside me to the hilt. My back arched as a broken cry left me, his hand wrapping around my throat as he started snapping his hips.
My arms went back around his neck as I held his eyes, gasping. “C-Cain,” I moaned as his cock hit my cervix. “Say it.”
“No,” he clipped, his fingers squeezing my neck harder.
“Please,” I rasped, wrapping my legs around him. I moved my hips then, meeting his thrusts. “Wherever you go, I go. I’ll never stop, Cain. I’ll never give up on you again.
“Dammit, clover,” he growled.
His hand was gone from my throat, and he dropped down, bracing his forearms on either side of my head, my fingers curling into his hair as he kept his unrelenting pace. “You love me,” I told him.
“Yes,” he snarled.
“You want to be with me.”
“Always.”
“You want a life with me.”
His jaw went slack as my pussy started fluttering around his length. I was nearly there.
“I love you,” I rasped.
A groan left him, and his face fell into my neck. He pulled out and slammed all the way in again, his balls slapping against me. “Yes,” he growled against my skin.
“I want to be with you,” I moaned, my breath hitching.
Thrust.
“Yes.”
Thrust.
“I want a life with you,” I cried, my hand going between us. He pulled back, looking at me as my fingers hovered over my clit.
Thrust.
“That’s not yours to touch,” he reminded me.
I started rubbing my clit. “It isn’t yours either,” I challenged. “Not until you say it.”
Thrust.
“Dominique,” he warned.
My legs started shaking. “S-say it, Cain.”
He stopped moving, fully seated inside me, his eyes never leaving mine. My fingers worked faster and faster.
“I want this,” I murmured. “I want you. I want all of you, Cain. The good, the bad, the ugly. Your past doesn’t define you. You don’t have to prove yourself to me or anyone else. I love you. I’ll always love you. I never stopped.”
His cock twitched inside me as his features twisted. “Nik…”
I moved my hips, fucking him and myself as I whimpered, using my other hand to pull him down to me. “Say it, Cain.”
“And if you get hurt?” he challenged, his voice thick with passion.
I shook my head. “I have you to protect me, remember?” Shots of pleasure shot through my body as his hips started moving again. “Say it, babe.”
His nostrils flared. “Stop calling me that.”
“No,” I huffed, moving against him.
“Don’t call me that when you want to put yourself in danger,” he seethed, snapping his hips.
My breath hitched as I lifted my head, my lips brushing against his. “Don’t say my pussy is yours when you want to put yourself in danger.”
He was back to fucking me now, sinful sounds coming from our bodies. “Take your hand off my cunt,” he ordered.
“Say it,” I ordered back, breathless.
He was silent, holding my eyes as he fucked me into the floor.
“This cunt wants to come all over her cock,” I whispered, my voice husky and my eyes hooded as his eyes flashed. “Give me what I want and say it, babe.”
Something shifted between us, and I think, in that moment, it finally clicked. I wasn’t giving up on him, and they would have chain me to Oasis if they didn’t want me following him.
“Is that what you want?” he grunted. “For us to fight side by side?”
I whimpered. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“You want me to say it?” His pace quickened as he dropped an arm, hooking it under my leg to yank it up higher. The new angle made me see stars.
“S-say it,” I gasped.
His lips found my ear. “You gonna milk me when I do?”
“Yes,” I moaned.
I was so close. I was ready to go over the edge with him. We could do anything together; I just had to get him to see that. “Say it,” I whispered, my eyes closing as I was about to give in.
“Wherever I go, you go, clover,” he murmured against my ear.
My neck arched as my eyes closed, my mouth letting out a cry as I tightened around his length, my body falling into bliss. My fingers tightened in his hair as I breathed out his name at the same time a guttural groan sounded against my ear.
Then, we both lost ourselves in a sea of pleasure.
After that, we laid on the floor, holding one another as our souls apologized.