TEN
CHAPTER
Theo’s black Chevy Silverado was idling on the curb. “About damn time,” my brother said, scowling as I got in. “That chick is already throwing you off.”
“It wasn’t her,” I said. “It was the damn Gengraf.”
“Nausea?” Theo said, his tone instantly morphing from anger to concern. “You okay?”
I shot him a look. “ That chick got me some water and I felt better.”
Theo snorted. His eyes gave me a final once over, then he maneuvered his truck through the light Sunday morning traffic toward the glass studio.
I watched North Las Vegas go by my window—strip malls and gas stations, apartment complexes smaller and older than mine—but my thoughts were on Kacey’s apology.
I can’t be with anyone right now…
Perfect. Neither could I.
So why did my chest ache like an old bruise?
“You thinking about her?” Theo said.
“Kacey?”
“No, Mother Theresa. Yeah, Kacey. Who the hell is she?”
“Why are you so hostile? She’s just a girl crashing on my couch.”
Theo watched the road, his shoulders jerking up in a shrug. “I don’t want to see another fucked-up situation like you had with Audrey.”
“I was with Audrey for three years. I’ve known Kacey for all of twenty-four hours. You can chill out.”
“How much did you tell her about your situation?”
More than I should have. I shifted in my seat. “She knows I had the operation.”
Theo gaped at me so long I thought he’d crash his truck. He turned his eyes back to the road, his expression grim. “Okay, spill it. What’s the deal with her?” he said. “For real.”
I rested my elbow on the door, rubbing my chin. “Her deal is she’s got a few days off until her band leaves town on tour. She’s taking a break. That’s it. For real.”
“Why doesn’t she just stay in a hotel? And since when do you tell total strangers about the operation?”
“She doesn’t do well on her own.” I glanced at him. “It’s not a big deal. I’m giving her a break and she’s good company. She’s got a good sense of humor. We get along well.”
We just…clicked.
“You met her yesterday .” Theo’s voice was low, but I could hear his temper rumbling within it, like a distant thunderstorm. He kept his gaze steadfast to the road. “Are you fucking her?”
“Jesus, Theo.” Yet the image of Kacey splayed out on my bed reached for me. I’d wanted her last night, wanted to give in to her, have a woman’s arms and legs wrapped around me one more time. I wanted to feel a woman’s soft body beneath mine, to be on top of her and inside of her and…
“Dude. Are you fucking her?”
I forgot Theo could read my face like the front page of a newspaper. “No,” I said. “Not that it’s your business. She’s crashing until Tuesday, then she’s going back on tour with her band. She’ll be traveling all over for months.”
“And you’re cool with that? ”
“Of course, I’m cool with it. What could possibly happen between us? Or between me and anyone for that matter?”
Theo’s jaw clenched. “Don’t start with that doomsday shit. You don’t know for sure if…” He shook his head, unwilling to voice the possibility. “The meds might be working. They probably are working.”
“Then why were you such a dick to Kacey?”
He jerked his shoulders in a shrug. “I give a shit. The doctor said you had to be careful.”
“He said I had to not overexert myself. He didn't say I had to become a monk. I miss being with a woman. Being intimate with her.”
“You’re the one who doesn’t do one-night stands…” Theo said. “Something I’ll never get.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Look, if you want to get laid, get laid. I just don't want another Audrey situation. I don’t want some chick to bail on you when you need her to fucking stick around.”
“Neither do I,” I said. “What Audrey did…it hurt, but I wasn’t in love with her.”
We’d come to a red light. Theo turned in his seat. “ What ?”
“I loved Audrey, but I wasn’t in love with her.” I listened to my own words, waiting for some pain to follow. But the only pain wasn’t for what I had with Audrey and lost, but for something I never had at all. “I’ve never been in love.”
Theo’s eyes widened. “You weren’t in love with Audrey? Really? Because you sure spent a shitload of time with her.”
“I loved her, but she didn’t…consume me. I didn’t lose my train of thought when she walked into a room, or feel that feeling you get…” I shook my head, searching for the words. “We were a good match.” Like a pair of shoes, I thought. “But I didn’t have that feeling. ”
“What feeling?” Theo asked dubiously.
“That feeling you’re supposed to have when you’re with the woman you’re in love with. I can’t describe that feeling because I’ve never felt it. Have you? ”
Theo gave me an arch look. “I’m saving myself for marriage.”
I snorted a laugh. “I think you’ve got that backward.”
Theo’s eyes hardened again. “So, you weren’t in love with Audrey. And you’re having this revelation now? Because of Kacey?”
I turned my eyes to my window. “I just met her for chrissakes. No, I just meant…since we’re on the subject. It’s something I missed. Being in love.”
“You haven’t missed it,” Theo said. “You might not be missing anything. If you’d go back to Morrison and get another biopsy…”
I sighed, exhausted from having this same conversation for the millionth time.
“What would happen if I did? I would find a miracle waiting for me? The atherosclerosis isn’t going to reverse itself.”
“No, but it might've slowed the fuck down, or stopped altogether. Maybe you have longer than you think. A lot longer. If you weren't so goddamn pessimistic…”
He held on to a hope that wasn’t there, but I knew the truth. I felt it in the marrow of my bones, in the weakening pulse of my heart, its walls and passageways hardening slowly like cooling glass.
“If I get another biopsy,” I said, “I’d lose at least one full day at the shop.”
Theo said nothing and anger flamed red hot in me.
“I’ll go back after the gallery opening, okay? Dammit, Theo, I’m just trying to talk about something real for a goddamn change. I miss having someone in my life. I’m not selfish; I know it’s too late now. But I missed it and it sucks, okay?”
“Yeah, man,” Theo said, retreating to a quieter tone. “That's cool. We've just never talked about it before. About what you want.”
“You mean what I want before I die? You can say it, Theo. I wish you would.”
“What for?” he snapped. “What fucking good does that do anyone?”
“Me. It does me good. So I don't feel like…”
“What?”
So goddamn alone.
We pulled into the parking lot of the hot shop and Theo killed the engine. He sat straight, eyes forward as he spoke.
“Look, if you want or need anything… just tell me, okay? You're always saying don't bucket-list me. But if there’s something you want and I can give it to you, tell me, okay? Anything at all.”
Dying, I learned, is a not a team sport. It’s a solitary endeavor. Everyone I loved was standing on dry land, while I was alone on a boat as it slowly pulled away from the shore, and there’s nothing anyone could do about it but watch it happen.
I immediately felt shitty for letting my anger out on Theo or telling him what I missed or wanted or could never have. What were they but just another burden for him to carry? One more thing he could do nothing about. The pain of it was written in every line of his face.
“Okay, thanks, Theo. Thanks for looking out for me.” I mustered a smile and smacked his shoulder. “Come on. Let’s get to work.”