Chapter 25
Kaisa
Istand in a conference room at the resort and stare at my phone, scrolling again through the texts I missed from Ledger, heat racing up my cheeks at the knowledge that he’s gone.
He tried to say goodbye, but after I ran upstairs to drop off the trophy and change out of my costume and into a sleek, black jumpsuit and ballet flats, I was called into a debriefing meeting with Wynn Clark and the other pro dancers.
I wanted to reach out to Ledger, but being on the phone during a debrief with Wynn? Talk about career suicide. If I’d only known he’d be leaving so soon, I still would have.
All in all, Wynn was pleased with the outcome of the show. The Ball itself raised a lot of money for charity, thanks to the hotline on the televised broadcast. It was way more than they anticipated, so Barry and Mary Mynt even stopped by to thank us personally.
But I found myself caring less and less about all these things, as my thoughts twist in two over Ledger, our electrifying performance, and the heat between us.
The connection we had almost rendered me paralyzed after the performance ended.
My feelings for him have catapulted exponentially, and the performance we shared—every touch, every whisper, every long look—confirmed what I already knew.
I’m in love with Ledger Bishop.
I had no idea Ledger had been asked to board a flight. By the time the meeting was over, and I got a moment with my phone, it was too late. He was already gone.
I text him back, a very inadequate, “I’m so sorry I missed you” and make a half-hearted appearance at the Ball. It’s part of my job to be here. My social anxieties rear up again, but this time, when I imagine how well Ledger does in social situations, I breathe a bit easier.
Channeling my inner Ledger makes the situation better.
“Congrats on your win!” people say. “Where’s your trophy?” and “Where’s Ledger?”
That’s the one that gets me. Where’s Ledger?
He’s on a flight to Texas and I already miss him terribly and I want to see him again as soon as possible.
But I just smile, offer gratitude and vague responses, and try to make it through, all while my heart is breaking.
Why couldn’t I have opened my mouth and said something sooner? There’s so much I could have said—so much I wanted to say. I need to make arrangements to see him again. This is all too abrupt for me to accept that this could really be goodbye.
After a sufficient amount of time at the Ball and a little after party amongst the other dancers that seems to drag on, I head to my room to pack.
In the morning, I’ll leave Winterbrook, and this week here with Ledger will be completely over. All that’s left is to celebrate Christmas alone.
My mother’s Finnish goes a hundred miles an hour, and I’m glad to see I’m right back in that mode after all these years away from home.
I’m not missing a beat of what she’s saying.
My whole family speaks English fluently, but she’s afraid I’m going to forget my Finnish, so she speaks to me in my native tongue as much as she can.
Still, seeing my parents’ and brother’s faces on the screen of my laptop makes my eyes sting with tears.
“Your performance was the best you’ve ever done,” my mother says, beaming.
“I’m glad it was filmed and put on YouTube so you could see it.” There’s so much I want to say right now. About how my life has changed because of Ledger and how complicated it feels without him.
“You need to go out tonight, Kaisa,” my brother says in English. “You can’t just sit there in your apartment by yourself.”
My father agrees and then, “We can’t wait to visit you during Lights, Camera, Dance! season three!”
They’d already purchased airline tickets for next spring, but every time I thought about them coming, I worried I wouldn’t even be on the show. We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it, I guess.
“I can’t wait to show you LA. And you being in the audience is going to be incredible.”
The doorbell rings and I almost want to ignore it. I’m on the laptop with my family and it’s the afternoon of Christmas Eve. I don’t want a single interruption.
“I heard your doorbell, Kaisa,” my mother says. “Go and answer it.”
“But, I—fine.” I unplug my laptop and bring it with me. “I don’t know who it could be. All my friends are at a party.”
“The party you’re going to after we get off the phone, right?” my father asks pointedly.
“Well, I don’t want her getting off the phone yet, dear,” my mother chides.
“You’re getting tired, though,” my father says to her. “It’s the afternoon for Kaisa but it’s nearly midnight here.”
“But our daughter’s alone and—”
I hold the laptop as I answer the door. It’s a delivery person.
“Delivery for Kaisa Halberg?” he says. When I nod, he hands me a big bouquet of deep red roses and a small paper sack.
I set my laptop down on my entryway table, thank the guy, and take the sack and flowers. After I close the door, I breathe in. “Smells like…” I shake my head and then whip it around to stare at my parents. “Smells like… Joulutorttu!”
When I see their surprised faces, I unroll the top of the bag to see Finnish Christmas Stars. I can already smell the tangy lingonberry filling.
I pull one out of the bag and hold it up, a dusting of powdered sugar falling onto the floor below.
“That’s—we didn’t send those!” my father says.
I gasp, put the pastry back into the bag, and tear open the card from the bouquet.
“Merry Christmas, Kaisa!” it reads. “I can’t wait to see you again. Love, Ledger.”
Oh my. How did he get a hold of these delights? Did his coach’s wife make them?
My mother looks like she’s going to burst from curiosity. “Who sent them to you?”
“My…dance partner, Ledger.”
“That’s cool,” my brother says. “What’s he like in real life?” He was excited when he heard the Ledger Bishop was my partner. Of course, I was not. But now, I can’t imagine my life without him.
I miss him. So much. And as I’m figuring out how to answer my brother’s question, there’s another knock on the door.
This must be the delivery person my family was expecting.
Another delivery man stands on my doorstep, this time holding a box of oiled pastry bags.
I inspect the bags with a gasp. “Cardamom buns? Mini-tarts with buttercream, almond cakes with…” I take a sniff. “Raspberry filling?”
My family just smiles, together on the screen. I go to pull out a cardamom bun and find another treasure. “And Fazer Blue chocolate?”
My mind travels back to Ledger and his eyes, a brown so dark and creamy, lined in Fazer blue. “How did you pull this off? Where did it come from?”
“Your mother tracked down a Finnish bakery in the Bay area and convinced them to deliver them to you,” my father says.
Now my eyes completely fill with tears. “Thank you,” I manage, choking out a laugh.
“This way you can have a taste of home even in LA,” Mother says. She’s never been overly affectionate, but I spy a tear in her eyes too.
After a few more minutes, we end the call since we’ll be able to talk on Christmas Day tomorrow as well.
I bite into a cardamom bun and moan. Just like I remember them. Something about the taste of home has me longing for Ledger yet again.
Which doesn’t make any sense. He’s not from home. Yet, thoughts of him press on my mind so hard I dial his number.
What am I doing? He’s with his family in Shelbyville by now. But the phone doesn’t even ring—it goes straight to voicemail.
A ripple of relief goes over me. It’s probably good he didn’t answer because I haven’t prepared what to say. I fill a crystal vase with water and place the roses inside, fussing with the buds and leaves to make the arrangement perfect.
With my laptop already pulled up, I begin writing him an email.
Am I going to actually send it to him? Maybe not. But I have to get all these thoughts straightened out in my head.
Dear Ledger,
One of my biggest regrets is not taking the time to tell you how I feel when I had the chance…
I set my computer aside and stand to pace.
What am I doing? This is hard, but I don’t know what else to do.
Nothing else interests me. The thought of going to the Christmas Eve party with friends isn’t appealing.
I’m lost in thoughts of Ledger’s dark eyes and sweet smile.
The planes of the muscles in his arms and across his back. The way it feels to be held by him.
I pace some more, before adding almost nonsensical thoughts to my letter. I ache for you, Ledger. Can we speak over the phone as soon as possible?
I eat some raspberry-filled cake, remembering the way my parents always decorate the house for Christmas. The spruce they brought in today covered in brown paper stars. The goat and lamb figurines made of straw. The candlelight in every window.
My heart yearns for home. It yearns for Ledger.
The doorbell rings again, startling me out of a trance. Another delivery? Wouldn’t it be nice if my parents managed to figure out how to send me my favorite Christmas casserole? A savory sweet, mashed potato pudding.
I open the door and…no. It’s not another delivery person on my doorstep.
It’s Ledger.
Without thinking, I leap into his arms. It’s not graceful, it’s rushed, and I bump my chin into his collar bone. My arms around his neck, I cling to him like a starfish, my heart pounding. A low rumble goes through his chest, and I realize he’s chuckling.
“Merry Christmas, Kaisa.” He kisses my hair and squeezes me tightly.
Finally, I peel myself off him and offer a slight smile.
“Sorry.” I shake my head. “You’re here? What are you doing here?”
He surveys me carefully. “I had to see you.”
“Is this about me being alone on Christmas Eve?”
“Yes.” Then he corrects himself. “No. It’s not just that. I mean, I don’t want you to be alone, but I couldn’t let things end like that.”
“You couldn’t?” My grin is goofy, my voice watery.
“Can I…can I come in?”
“Oh! Yes, of course.” I widen the door and motion to the short hall. “Please come in. I can’t believe you’re here.”
I gesture for him to sit on my sofa and when he does, I sit next to him and reach out a hand to tap his knee. “I can’t believe it,” I repeat. “Thank you for the flowers and the Finnish Christmas stars. How did you find them?”
“I asked Coach Whittaker’s wife, Maija, to make them for you.”
I gasp and laugh at the same time. “I’m so touched,” I offer feebly. There’s so much more to say, I don’t know where to begin.
“Kaisa, you have to know that I can’t stop thinking of you and I—”
“I can’t stop thinking of you, either,” I interject.
His eyes widen. “Really? I thought you might still feel hurt by my actions—by my leaving in such a rush. I wouldn’t blame you if you were.”
I shake my head. “We were both under enormous pressure. It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong.” I lift a hand and move a lock of his hair out of his eyes. “I see you managed to wash the wax and hairspray out.”
“It wasn’t easy. That stuff is impressive!”
“Industrial strength,” I agree, then I sober. “Ledger, yesterday, when you were telling me how you feel about me…I’m sorry I didn’t say much back.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. They weren’t my true feelings.”
“But I get it. One of the biggest moments of your career was coming up in a few hours, of course you couldn’t hash out everything.”
“True, but I wish I could have said, before the dress rehearsal, that yes, I do like you so much.”
“But then your words during our performance…” He laughs a little and traps his bottom lip between his teeth. Then, “Is that how you feel?”
I nod, shyness welling up inside of me. “Yes. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there to say goodbye. I was in a meeting with Wynn Clark.”
“I know, you texted that, and I completely understand.”
“I tried calling you this afternoon too.”
“I was still in the airport.” He sighs. “I just had to get to you as quickly as possible.”
But then, I remember his plans for Christmas, and I gasp. “But what about your family? You’re missing Christmas Eve with them.”
“I—I had a long conversation with them this morning, before the charity event. I told them about you and how I wanted to come and see you and make things right. My mom joked that I wasn’t welcome at home until I’d done that.” He leans towards me. “I think it wasn’t a joke.”
“So, they’re okay with you missing Christmas Eve?”
“They know that a Christmas Eve without the woman I love isn’t worth having.”
My heart jumps. “You love me?”
“Yes, Kaisa. I know it’s fast. But I do. I love you.”
I spring from the sofa, grab my computer off my coffee table and toggle the screen awake. I take a deep breath. Courage, don’t fail me now. “Will you read this? Please?”
He takes the laptop from me and his eyes glow as he reads my words. It’s not a long letter, but I feel every word with my whole heart.
“When did you write this?” he asks in wonder.
“Just now, when I couldn’t get ahold of you. I wasn’t sure if I should even send it because I didn’t know how you felt about me, exactly, but—”
Ledger sets the laptop down on the cushion next to him, stands, and pulls me into his arms. “I hope you know now.”
“Ledger, I love you too.”
A soft gasp escapes his lips. “I don’t know how to make the future work, exactly, with our careers in different places, but where there’s a will, there’s a way. And, for me, there is mostly certainly a will.”
I laugh. “We will figure out a way.”
“So, can I spend some time with you this Christmas Eve?” His eyes are pleading. Shining.
I nod, getting teary-eyed again, but dashing my knuckle against my eyes. “Have a Finnish Christmas Star! And my parents sent tarts and buns and almond cakes.” I gesture towards the bags of bakery items on my table.
He surveys them with a smile and then tugs me close. “I’ll have one of each. Can we drink spiced cider, maybe watch a Christmas movie?”
“Yes. But first, there’s something else we simply must do,” I say, and without any control on my part, my eyes dip down to his mouth.
He answers me by pressing his lips to mine, and suddenly, all the waiting for this moment to return has been worth it. He pulls me even closer and I half stumble as I regain my balance, winding my arms around his neck, going higher on my tip-toes to better reach him.
He takes my lips in a gentle, urgent rhythm. I slide my arms down and wrap them around his middle, savoring him. Breathing him in. Tasting him. A moan escapes my lips.
“Merry Christmas, Kaisa,” he whispers against the softness of my neck.
I don’t have a chance to respond before he takes my lips again.