Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
S eething. That’s a good word, isn’t it? When your skin feels like it’ll crawl completely off your body, the intense dislike and humiliation causing a physical reaction in your outermost layer, while simultaneously wondering if your blood might really be boiling you alive on the inside. Yes, well, that’s exactly the level I was at. Mostly at Mandy, but also at myself and more than a tiny bit at Teddy. But in reality I had no right to feel like this. He was just being his usual affable self, so why did it make me so mad? Why hadn’t he told her to get lost? Why had he picked her? Again.
Washing my hands in the basin of the posh trailer of portable toilets, I glanced in the mirror. Prickly pufferfish mode was engaged. A spiky sticking plaster of stroppiness to cover the intense embarrassment and disappointment I was feeling, accompanied by the horror of being transported right back to being eighteen and knowing that Mandy’s awfulness went unseen by everyone but me. Still.
I knew that despite the make-up and the fancy clothes, I was still as unattractive as I’d always been. And my heart crumbled away inside me like dust as the mocking voice in my head berated me for ever considering myself to be anything other than a freckly-faced geek. My expression was drawn into a deep scowl, so that even I shied away from the fearsome-looking woman in the mirror and scrubbed my lipstick away with a tissue.
But do you know the worst thing? The main thought that was running through my head? And it was a truly disastrous one. But there it was, spinning like a top in my brain. The only thing I didn’t feel able to let go of was that the last time she’d barged in on us, at least I’d managed to get a snog first.
See? Ridiculous, right? It would be better not to think like that. It should be a relief that we hadn’t actually kissed this time, that there was nothing to miss and nothing to lament or apologise for. Nothing to fuel the fire inside me further. I should be grateful that Mandy had turned up when she did, right? She saved me from my hormones because no good could come of fanning the flames of this absurd crush.
After drying my hands, I teetered down the little metal steps of the trailer and out onto the gravelled courtyard, deciding to try to find Henry and Clara, via the bar, when I was instantly engulfed in pungent perfume, long talon-like nails gripping my wrist and tugging me backwards.
“Hey! I want to talk to you.”
“I have nothing to say to you, Mandy.”
“Why do you have to be such a bitch? You haven’t changed, have you?”
I faced her. She was a little taller than me, especially in the skyscraper heels she had on, but I was not going to be intimidated by her.
“Oh I definitely have changed, believe me. There’s no way I’m going to tolerate any of your bullshit tonight, that’s for sure.”
“Not a change for the better then.” Mandy pouted and narrowed her eyes at me. “I understand that you were jealous of me back in school, but I have a real chance with Teddy again now, so I’d appreciate it if you could back the hell off.”
Peeling her fingers off my wrist I stepped away.
“He’s all yours Mandy. I don’t want him.”
Lies, it was all lies.
But I couldn’t let this slide without trying to keep hold of some of my dignity. Not when I’d nearly snogged his face off twice in the last few weeks.
“Is that what you think? You think you get to decide?” she sneered. “Someone like you doesn’t get to choose someone like him . You should be grateful he pities you enough to even bother talking to you.”
“Is that right?”
“Yes.”
“In which case, why do you need me to back off? I’m no threat to you.”
Mandy lurched at me, wagging her finger in my face.
“Because, you spotty-faced freak, he feels some sort of obligation to be nice to you and has done since we were teenagers. God knows, I don’t understand it, but it means that whenever you’re around he’s unable to go out and actually have some fun with someone who’s in his league … visually, if you get what I mean.”
“I’m reading you loud and clear.”
Ah, another blow to my fragile confidence. My ever-present brain gremlin nodded sagely.
Yes, settle yourself back in for the long haul of self-loathing, my old friend.
“You’re holding him back and you should just fuck off and let him be happy.”
“If that’s what you think, it must be true,” Betsy stepped out from around the side of the toilet trailer, an expression of pure fury on her face.
“Oh look. Your butch little sidekick come to dry your snivelling tears. You two are made for each other.”
Her expression was smug, self-satisfied, and eminently slappable. But I didn’t. I resisted, instead schooling my features into my best withering look and preparing to extricate myself before all my self-worth shrivelled away to nothing.
Contemptuously, Mandy checked her nails and carried on, “Maybe you should have been going after girls all along, Hannah.”
“I don’t understand your problem, I really don’t. We’re not at school anymore, and swanning about as the school bully is pathetic when you’re a teenager but downright fucking tragic when you’re in your thirties,” Betsy said, standing beside me in a show of solidarity, like she always had, picking me up each time I got knocked down like this by Mandy or anyone else.
“Bully? What are you talking about? Who the hell did I bully?” Mandy was petulant now.
“Hannah and Betsy by the look of things.” Teddy appeared from the shadows, his face like thunder, and Mandy visibly blanched, wobbling in her heels as she backed away.
“Teddy, I?—”
“Do you know what? Hannah always said you were a mean girl, and I didn’t know what she meant, but now I’ve seen your true colours for myself.”
“But—”
Again he cut her off, this time with a wave of his hand. He turned to me. “I’m sorry I didn’t ever see any of this for myself before. Is this what she’s always been like with you?”
“Finally, he fucking sees it!” Betsy exclaimed, throwing her hands in the air in exasperation. “Seriously, Teddy, you’ve got the wherewithal of a fruit fly sometimes.”
Teddy huffed a sad little laugh.
“I am so sorry I never saw this before.” Grasping both my hands, he said, “Hannah, you are more beautiful on the outside and on the inside than anyone else I’ve ever met.”
Mandy snorted, but he didn’t even look at her.
“Should we get out of here?”
When I didn’t respond, he gently squeezed my fingers.
“Come on. We can find somewhere quiet and away from everyone.”
“Betsy, you want to come too?” I didn’t want to abandon my wingwoman after she’d saved me so heroically.
“Ah, no, girl. I’m heading home to my wife and a mug of hot chocolate.” Wrapping me in a hug, she whispered in my ear, “You’ve got this. You are so wonderful and beautiful that even this idiot sees it”—she gestured to Teddy, who grinned—“but if all else fails, then there’s always Jamie Dornan. He’s pretty enough that even I could be turned.”
“You’re not going to leave, are you?” Mandy whined, desperation infusing every word. “I was hoping we could all catch up again, like a school reunion. That would be fun, wouldn’t it? Hannah knows I was joking, right, Hannah?”
“I don’t think so, Mandy.”
“Please, Teddy?”
But he had turned away from her and was leading me by the hand towards the side of a large stone building and through an unlit area of the garden.
Pausing, I looked back at Mandy. Her face was mutinous and I said, “Do you know what would be a fun reunion? You trying not to be a total and utter cow every time we run into each other.”
Her expression told me everything I needed to know. “Oh, do fuck off.”
“That’s quite enough from you,” Betsy said, ushering Mandy as far away as possible from me.
* * *
Teddy led the way through a tall gate and into an apple orchard, lit only by the moon and the sprinkling of stars that pierced the night sky.
“Where are we going, Ted?”
“My dad built a treehouse in here when we were kids. It was our favourite place.”
“I’m not sure I can climb a tree in this outfit,” I said, stumbling as my strappy heels dug into the soft grass.
In a sweeping gesture that made me squeak, Teddy turned and picked me up, grinning.
“It’s a great dress, Hannah.”
“You don’t need to carry me! I can walk,” I said petulantly.
But Teddy did not relent, taking me to a large tree that towered over a broken-down stone wall at the far side of the orchard, and as we neared I saw a long rope ladder reaching to the ground.
“But I like carrying you.”
“You’d better not be planning to drop me in a pond again.”
He laughed. “Where’d you get the idea I’d do something like that?”
“You have form, my friend.”
Gently, Teddy placed me back on the ground at the foot of the ladder. “I’ll go first and check it’s safe, then follow me up?”
“In these shoes?”
Bending down, he crouched at my feet, gently wrapping a warm hand around my ankle and unbuckled the strap, easing my foot out of one sandal and then the other. He held them reverentially in one hand and drew me towards the tree.
“That should be easier.”
He scaled the ladder with effortless grace. At the top, he turned on the platform and gestured for me to come up too. The trailing lengths of my dress were going to be a hinderance, so I tucked the excess material into the waistband of my knickers and tentatively gripped a rung of the ladder and began my ascent, questioning my sanity with every step. Eventually, I grasped Teddy’s outstretched hand at the top and he helped me over the edge.
From the treehouse platform, we had an unobstructed view of the garden party in full swing, its golden light bathing us and casting tree branch shadows all around. I turned in a circle, taking in the monochrome Cotswolds countryside that stretched out to meet the twinkling streetlights of Chipping-on-the-Water in the distance. It was magical.
Teddy had taken off his jacket and was untying his bow tie, pulling the ends free from the collar and undoing the top button. I watched, entranced, as he sat on a rickety wooden swing, gesturing me to join him on the other one.
“It’s perfectly safe. My dad’s a very good architect,” he said with amusement at my indecision.
“Are you a very good architect too?” I asked, perching on the little wooden seat, my bare toes pushing against the treehouse boards to swing gently, the silk of my dress sliding over my thighs as the hem pooled on the floor.
“I don’t know.”
The sudden humility and echo of self-doubt in his voice hit me in my heart. I hadn’t expected that. I’d expected an arrogant and confident response.
“Oh.”
Teddy laughed softly. “Did you expect me to brag about how great I am?”
“Well, yes.”
Blowing out a long sigh, Teddy looked away into the distance. “It’s all an act, Hannah.”
“An act?”
“Yeah. I don’t have a clue what the hell I’m doing most of the time. I’m just bullshitting my way through life.”
I let that sink in, keeping quiet, the faint music from the party and the soft creak of the swings the only sounds.
“You’re the only one who’s ever called me out, Hannah.” Teddy glanced at me. “You see through all my crap. You always have.”
“But you’re doing great, right?”
“I’m not so sure.”
“What impossible ideal are you holding yourself up to here, Teddy?”
“My father? Henry?” There was a bitter note to his tone.
“Have you and Henry fallen out?”
Teddy put his head in his hands and sighed. I watched, entranced, as he flexed his fingers in his hair.
“No.”
“So, what is it?”
“What’s what?”
“I’m definitely calling you out on your bullshit now, Teddy. I understand why you’d look up to your father and his achievements, but you’re just as successful as Henry, so what’s going on between you two?”
“I’m nowhere near as perfect as Henry. No one on this fucking planet is.”
“Teddy, what the hell?” His outburst was a shock.
“Sorry, ignore me. I hate parties; that’s why I always try to escape to a quiet place.”
He was shattering every illusion I had about him.
“You hate parties? Who are you and what have you done with Teddy Fraser?”
The returning laugh was sad.
“Don’t tell anyone, but Teddy Fraser is a fraud. He likes pottering about in his old house. He likes log fires, watching 1980s romcoms, and collecting old books. And, bizarrely he’s recently developed an affinity for goats.”
“No way?” I laughed. “Not goats. Surely not!”
“See, a complete and utter fraud.”
I got off the swing and knelt down in front of him, placing my hands on his knees and looking up to his raw and broken expression. The vulnerability made my heart lurch.
“Ted, what is this? What’s going on?”
“God, you’re beautiful when you’re on your knees in front of me.” The smirk was real but carried a little less conviction than normal.
I snorted and smacked his thigh. This was a mistake because his eyes darkened, and in my braless state I couldn’t hide my body’s reaction to him.
“Teddy, tell me what’s going on. We’re friends, aren’t we?”
“Friends,” he repeated.
“Yes. So tell me.”
His hand covered mine where it lay on his leg, his thumb brushing my skin.
“Our whole lives we’ve been compared: who’s brighter, who’s funnier, who’s better looking. And Henry’s always won. Always. It’s like watching the best version of yourself being played out in front of you, and you never match up, not once.”
“That’s not true. Henry’s great but you’re different people.”
“Do you know what my parents used to say to me when I was a child, all the time?” I shook my head. “Why can’t you be more like your brother? Just do what your brother does. And they didn’t mean Tom or Dan.”
“Teddy, I?—”
“It’s ok, Hannah. I’ve always been the black sheep of the family. They never had such high expectations of me, so I never let them down. If you’re going to be labelled, best to live up to it, right? That’s why I decided that I’d be the bad twin, so I could excel at something. I could finally be better than Henry at something.”
My heart broke for him at that moment, the vulnerable little boy laying his soul bare. That feeling of inadequacy and self-doubt resonated so strongly with me that tears sprang up in the corners of my eyes.
“Oh Teddy, you’re not bad .”
“I can be.”
His eyes glinted in the moonlight, fixating on my mouth as I gulped at the dark promise in his words.
“But you can also be generous and kind.”
“Hmph.”
“How you are with Agnes, with me, those aren’t the actions of a bad person, Teddy.”
“I really want to be bad with you though, Hannah.”
“You’re only saying this to get a reaction from me, to try and make me mad at you. I won’t fall for it.”
“I’m saying it because it’s true. I want to kiss you so fucking badly. And I really want to make you scream my name in this treehouse.”
Standing quickly, I backed away from him, desperate to put some distance between us before I ripped off his clothes and jumped on top of him like a rodeo rider. “We both know you don’t mean that.”
“I don’t?” Teddy had stood up as well and was stalking towards me.
“No, you don’t. Stop trying to be the bad boy, Teddy. Just be you . Just be the person you really are inside.”
“This is me.”
“You’re only saying that because I’m here and available. We both know that having sex with me is just you scratching an itch.”
Teddy stopped in his tracks, like I’d just slapped him, his expression unsure, and then a deep sadness darkened his face.
“You’re right. I should take you home.”
The mechanical way he stooped to pick up his jacket and bow tie, the tight slant of his shoulders, and the closed-off expression pierced me straight through the ribcage, spearing my heart with empathy and acknowledgement.
This man was truly broken inside. Why had I not seen it before?