18. Chapter 18 #2
“ Shit .” Jax pressed against him like he was trying to burrow into his soul, and Tristan dipped his head, capturing those plump lips as he slowly pumped his hand.
Having Jax in his arms, in his bed, wanting this, blushing and needy and all Tristan’s, was almost too heady for words.
He knew he wouldn’t last long, especially as the kiss turned dirty.
While Tristan didn’t want this to be a long session, he also didn’t want it over in less than a minute. Focusing, he picked up speed, and Jax whined into his mouth.
Running the tip of his tongue over Jax’s piercing, Tristan tried not to lose himself in the feeling of Jax’s cock against his, because the throbbing slickness combined with the warm sensuality had his brain oozing out of his ears.
Jax had a similar reaction, his whine turning into a ragged groan as his hands scrabbled, eventually resting on Tristan’s shoulders,
Squeezing his fist, Tristan pumped faster, and Jax twitched once before he came without warning, the shaft against Tristan’s turning to steel before it pulsed.
Jax let out short cries, soaking Tristan and his hand, but Tristan was too far gone to notice because just hearing Jax’s pleasure was enough for him. Grunting, he broke the kiss, gasping for air as his orgasm hit him like a freight train, and he spilled over them both.
“O-Oh…” Tristan’s chest heaved as he looked down at the puddle between them.
“I’m impressed,” Jax swiped a finger through a splotch on his stomach, popping it into his mouth and humming.
“I-I’m,” Tristan tried to speak, but all thought flew out of his head as the doorbell rang.
“That’s our food! I’ll get it,” Jax carefully rolled onto his back, but there was no way someone so lovely and naked should be anywhere but in Tristan’s bed.
“N-No,” Tristan put a hand on his chest. “Stay here.”
“Okay.” With an amused grin, Jax put his hands behind his head, relaxing as Tristan grabbed a t-shirt off the floor.
Wiping down, Tristan put on a robe and fetched the food. Once he returned, he cleaned Jax with a warm washcloth, found him a t-shirt and a pair of shorts that he’d left there, and they had dinner at the kitchen counter, once again talking like old friends.
By the time they finished the meal and the rest of the chrysanthemum tea, they were both beyond tired and quickly went back to bed, resting in each other’s arms.
Jax nodded off quickly, but Tristan stayed awake, staring at him for a while, grateful that out of all of today’s possible outcomes, he’d landed on the best one, and his last thought as he fell asleep was that he wanted to wake up to Jax’s face every day for the rest of his life.
“F-Fuck!”
Jax’s voice, along with his movement, ripped Tristan from sleep and he woke instantly, as if he’d just heard a bear outside his tent.
“Wassah matter?” Rubbing his eyes, he stared down at Jax in the early morning light, noting the pain that twisted his features, and panic sliced through Tristan’s system.
“I pushed too much too soon.” Jax spoke through gritted teeth. “And I’m back to hurting like I was a few days ago.”
“What can I do?” Adrenaline had him wide-awake, and guilt crawled up his body, settling across his shoulders.
“Do you have an ice pack?” Shifting, Jax let out a short cry and then settled.
“Of course.” Rising in a way that didn’t jostle the mattress, Tristan ran to the freezer and back in record time, holding out several ice packs for Jax to choose from.
“W-Wow.” He took the large, flat one, sliding it under his back.
“I’m a hiker who had an injured knee, why wouldn’t I have a selection?” Tristan put the rest aside. “Anything else?”
Jax gestured at his clothes, which were draped over the back of a chair. “There’s a bag with acetaminophen and gummies in my pants.”
“That’s good thinking, carrying an emergency supply.” Tristan found them, got a glass of water, and helped Jax sit up so he could take everything.
“Thanks.” The love in Jax’s eyes shone through the anger. “Hang out with me until the meds work?”
“Of course.” Lying on his side next to Jax, Tristan bent an arm, resting his head in his hand.
“I hate this,” Jax said after a long moment, blinking away tears. “I’m happy about us, but I feel like I can’t enjoy it, like I can’t enjoy anything anymore. All my happiness is dampened by pain.”
His forlorn tone touched Tristan’s heart. “Jax…”
“I just want my old life back.” He spoke softly, but those were the heaviest words he’d said since they’d reunited, and Tristan took a moment to collect his thoughts.
“I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you will never have your old life back.
” He took one of Jax’s hands as Jax squinted at him with suspicion.
“ But you can make a new one, and I would like to do that with you. I would like to create memories with you, experience things you might not have seen if you hadn’t taken this path, because as much as you hate it, it brought us together. ”
“Tristan, what the hell…” Jax’s dark-brown gaze softened, so Tristan gave Jax’s hand a squeeze and bravely ventured on.
“There’s a Zen proverb that says, ‘let go or be dragged.’ Clinging to your old self, a part of you that’s been gone for years, is holding you back.
You need to learn how to embrace who you are now.
Even if you hadn’t gone through this pain, you’d be a different person anyway because we all change and grow.
And I’d like to change and grow with you from here on out. ”
Jax bit his lip, processing with an unreadable expression.
“Wow, you kinda tore me up there,” he eventually said, and Tristan opened his mouth to apologize, but Jax held up his free hand, giving him a weary smile.
“But you’re right. I am clinging to it because I miss it.
I miss who I used to be, and I know that many people have it worse, but it doesn’t help the feeling that it’s unfair.
” He blinked furiously again. “I don’t want to be angry, but I’m hurting all the time. ”
“As I’ve said before, I don’t think you’re angry.” Tristan hoped that Jax could read the sincerity in his gaze. “I think you’re frustrated and grieving your old life. But I do think there are ways to improve your situation.”
“Yeah?” Jax tilted his head, some of the suspicion coming back.
“Do you remember when I said I’d help you heal by calling doctors, and for each call you’d make me a meal?”
Jax sobered. “We never officially started that. The hellish, head-chef weekend got in the way.”
“Then I’d like to put it back on the table. Along with helping you find doctors, driving you to and from your appointments, and if you’ll let me, I’d like to attend with you.” Smiling down at Jax, Tristan squeezed his hand, and Jax stared at him in shock, his mouth falling open.
“You’d really help me with all of that?”
Tristan leaned down until they were nose-to-nose.
“It’s the least I could do.” Pressing a gentle kiss to Jax’s lips, he rested their foreheads together, watching as relief filled Jax’s dark-brown gaze, slowly replaced by love.
“Okay,” Jax whispered, and Tristan felt the guilt on his shoulders get a smidgen lighter.
Kissing Jax again, Tristan pulled back, settling on his side once more.
“Once you feel up to it, we’ll make a game plan - what doctors you’ve seen, what you want to do. We’ll get all your records together, and we’ll pick some new specialists.”
“I’d like that.” Jax nodded, but Tristan could still see the anger in there, all tangled up with the pain, and he needed to dig up even more bravery because they were only halfway through this conversation.
Shuffling closer, Tristan put as much sincerity as he could into his gaze. “Now that we have the physical covered, how about the mental?”
“Mental? You mean, like therapy?” Jax’s eyebrows rose, but he didn’t seem offended, just surprised.
Tristan nodded. “You’re mourning who you used to be and navigating the world with a disability. Therapy can help with all of that, teach you how-”
“Teach me how to let go or be dragged?” Jax smirked, but it held no mirth. “I did consider therapy at one point, when I’d chased away some of my friends, but whatever energy I have goes to daily living and fixing my back. There’s never anything left over after that.”
“Well, now you have me, so you’ll get that extra bandwidth!” Tristan stated optimistically, noticing that this conversation was definitely distracting Jax from his pain; however, he wasn’t smiling. Still on his back, he had one hand in Tristan’s, gazing at him contemplatively.
“I’ll do it…” he said after a moment, his voice strangely he sitant. “But only if you go too.”
“What?” It took Tristan a few heartbeats to process, and Jax rolled his eyes.
“Oh, so I need therapy because I punch walls, but you don’t when you just got out of an abusive relationship with someone who blackmailed you?” Jax wore a real smirk this time, his eyebrow arching perfectly.
“Touché.” Tristan let out a chuckle, shaking his head because Jax had read him like a book, knowing Tristan better than he knew himself. “You’re absolutely right. We’ll both find therapists.”
Jax agreed with a sharp nod. “Any other ideas?”
“One last thing.” Tristan took a deep breath, the butterflies in his stomach bouncing around at top speed. “You can make some changes to your life that will reduce stress and increase your happiness.”
“Like what?” Jax stared deep into his eyes, invested, and Tristan started sweating. Why was he so nervous? They’d just discussed some serious topics, yet this next sentence required the most courage of all.
“You could move in with me.”