Chapter 34
Noah
The email I had been dreading for weeks came on an inconspicuous Wednesday in mid January.
Dear Mr Bright,
We are pleased to inform you that your visa has been issued …
My heart dropped right out of my stomach when I read on. No delays; it all had gone as planned. I didn’t want to get on the flight on Valentine’s Day, and go back to my life in Bali, back to a life without Lew.
And then what? There’s no me without him.
“Fuck!”
I slammed my laptop shut and jumped off the couch, suddenly unable to breathe properly. Every single time I allowed my brain to go anywhere near Bali, I got an anxiety attack, and that email broke me.
I tried to ground myself in tree pose, but ended up with my forehead pressed to the threadbare carpet.
I should really talk about this with Lewis, but I didn’t want to taint the time we had left. I wanted to squeeze every last bit of love out of the next couple of weeks.
How am I supposed to survive losing us and how good we are together?
It took me ten minutes of breathing in the musty air of the old carpet in child pose to calm down sufficiently to even look at my laptop again.
“I can’t do this, Mr Pickles.” My cat looked up when I addressed him, meowed once, and then curled up in a ball again.
The next quarter of an hour I spent digging through my inbox to find my flight confirmation.
I should clear out my inbox, but the prospect of having to deal with over twenty thousand emails, 80 percent of which were spam, nearly made me go straight back into child pose.
Ah, there you are!
A tiny link at the end of the email took me to the page where I could make changes to my reservation.
I had to confirm the cancellation twice. When I closed the tab, I felt lighter than I had been in weeks.
Mr Pickles purred when I walked over to scratch his chin. It was furry, just like Lew’s but in miniature.
“I’ll stay,” I whispered, even though I doubted that he understood or cared. If things with Lew didn’t work out, I’d have to pivot to plan B, but of one thing I was certain: my future lay here in Scotland.
***
The rest of the month slipped through my fingers.
Lew was busy with preparations for the rest of the year. The first two brewing courses for late February and early April had sold out already. Just the other day, a desperate Maddie had asked me if I was interested in helping her with their social media for a bit longer.
So, Lew and I worked and pretended that Valentine’s Day wasn’t approaching fast.
He still thinks you’ll be gone by then.
I spent some evenings at LFD; sometimes we hung out with Maddie and Fitz, or SweetPea and Clara, who, I was sure had something going on.
Lew and I had the best sex, ran errands together, went on hikes on the weekends, and spent a lot of time just hanging out with Mr Pickles.
Yet every time I tried to bring up my cancelled flight, I either chickened out or Lew changed the subject.
He wants to enjoy the time we have. I get it, baby, but can you not make it this hard for me to tell you I don’t want to leave?
A few days before Valentine’s Day one of my friends from school slid into my DMs. Chloe and I had been pretty close until we’d graduated. Then, like most of my friendships, it had slowly faded away.
Ch1oe05: Hey Noah
Ch1oe05: Hope you’re doing okay!
Ch1oe05: I heard you on the radio. Can’t believe I know someone famous!
You don’t know me anymore.
Ch1oe05: A couple of people from school want to get together for drinks tonight
Ch1oe05: You’re in the area, aren’t you?
Ch1oe05: I saw your posts
Chloe sent a side eye emoji and I snorted at the screen.
She means the images of Lew and me.
Surprisingly, I found I didn’t give a fuck. I had always liked Chloe, but I’d choose Lewis over her any day.
thenoahbright: Hey!
thenoahbright: Good to hear from you
thenoahbright: I’ve got to check with Lew if we can make it
There’s no me without him, and you just want to hang out with famous Noah Bright.
Lew wanted me for myself, not for the following I had built.
Ch1oe05: Oh, yeah, of course
Ch1oe05: Didn’t know you two were an item
thenoahbright: Yeah, it’s pretty fresh
Pretty fresh. I snorted at my choice of words. You’ve been in love with him for 18 years. So fresh, Bright.
Ch1oe05: Just let me know, yeah?
Ch1oe05: We’re meeting at half eight at the White Waters in Kincardie
Ch1oe05: It’s just past Bell’s Kilts
Ch1oe05: We’d all love to catch up
thenoahbright: I’m sure Lew knows where that is
thenoahbright: might see you there
I felt like a cunt for wanting to spend the evening with Lew, but also not …
They would only like the version of me that no longer exists.