Chapter 43 Meryn
MERYN
Meryn?”
My sister pokes her head into my room hesitantly as I finish shoving clothing into my packs.
My heart catches in my throat at the look on her face: vulnerable. Scared, even.
I understand what Venna was saying, how important it is to see beyond Saela’s changes and accept her as a whole person—one who has a place in this world. How I haven’t been making it easy for Saela to confide in me about what she’s going through.
But that doesn’t make it any less heartbreaking to see the hesitance in her face as she comes in to talk to me.
“Come sit,” I say, hopping up to the foot of my bed and patting the mattress beside me. She does, and I pull her close, ruffling her hair.
“You’re my hero, you know that?” My voice comes out choked with emotion, and I swallow. “You’re brilliant, the way you put things together. We’d be lost without your help.”
Saela is quiet. I pull back to look at her. I would have thought she’d be excited about putting the puzzle pieces together, figuring out what we have to do next to ensure the rest of the Tears stay out of Killian’s hands.
“What is it, Saela?”
“I know you always want what’s best for me, and you always want to protect me,” she says, and I start to brace myself.
She speaks fast. “But I’ve been thinking about it, and I know you might not like this, but I think I should stay here.
I… want to stay here in Astreona, at least for a little while.
” She’s staring at her feet now. “I want to learn about what it means to be a Siphon.”
I take a deep, shaking breath. I want to find some way to rationalize around it, to twist reality enough that it would make sense for Saela to come with us.
But I know—I know—that taking her would put her in harm’s way, and I owe her better. I have already endangered her so many times. Taking her to the front with us, and then deep into what I thought to be enemy territory.
I can choose to let Saela stay here, far from the conflict, in the company of other Siphons.
In the company of our father. Whatever my feelings toward him, it’s clear he has a genuine affection for Saela, and she wants to get to know him, too.
I lift Saela’s face. Her eyes are as teary as mine, and I can’t stop the strangling hug that follows.
“I don’t want to leave you,” I whisper to her. Saela lets out a hiccupping cry and hides against me. My shirt quickly wets with her tears. I smooth my hand over her hair and speak to reassure myself as much as my sister, “It won’t be for good. I promise I’ll be back for you.”
Saela nods against me and says, “I can literally wait forever for you, so try not to die. Okay?”
My laughter starts to ease the crushing weight of emotion. “I’ll do my very best.”
Saela pulls back just enough to look up into my eyes. “And Meryn? Make Killian pay.”
I clench my teeth, cup my sister’s cheek, then say, “I’ll do my very best at that, too.”
By early afternoon, our group gathers in a garden courtyard under the shade of wide-leafed trees.
The air is balmy, with a slight breeze that rustles the colorful plants.
A fountain with a fish-tailed woman is trickling away, sparkling with turquoise light.
The idyllic scene is in sharp contrast with the mixture of reluctance and urgency twisting in my gut.
Cratos, Anassa, and Ephyse lap from the water as they wait for everyone else before we depart for Bloomfang.
Saela and our father have joined us to say goodbye. I let Saela fawn over Anassa, who is aching over this goodbye almost as much as I am, and level my father with a glare.
His lips thin, and then he nods to a secluded part of the garden. I brush past him, and he follows me there.
When I’m certain we’re out of hearing range of everyone else, I turn on him, my voice a furious whisper. “You’d better be the best fucking father anyone’s ever had for her. You have eleven years to make up for, and she’s really going to need you right now.”
It’s agonizing, leaving her here with him—the father who has been alive and well this whole time, the father who chose not to come back to us.
The lines on his face deepen. “I know that you and I may never… recover. But I take getting to know my other daughter seriously. I’m going to make sure the time we have counts.”
“You promise me?” I tell him. “Because if I have even the slightest sense that you’ve neglected her while I’m gone, you’ll be dead for real and you’ll wish it was as quick as it would be in battle.”
“I promise, Meryn. She’ll be safe and happy here.”
And even though I know a part of me will always resent him, I believe him in this moment. I don’t give him a hug goodbye. I don’t even say another word. I just nod and turn on my heel.
But then he grabs my wrist. His fingers are trembling slightly.
“Please,” he exhales in a rush. He fights to compose himself. “I know you’re eventually going back to Nocturna, to face him. Please try to make sure Ruby stays safe. To the best of your ability. Please.”
I stare at where he’s gripping me, and he hastily releases me.
“She really matters to you, doesn’t she?” The question aches to be asked.
He winces. It’s oddly reassuring seeing my own discomfort reflected in him.
“Ruby has been the most important person in my life for the past twelve years. What we have… it’s not just the sire bond.” He breaks off and looks away.
He’s staring straight into the past, and it clearly hurts him.
“The love I had for your mother was meaningful to me, and it was real. I hope you believe that. And I don’t mean to say that what we shared paled in any way because of what I have now.
But my connection to Ruby is different. It’s written onto my soul.
It’s a type of love I didn’t know was even possible until her. ”
It’s hard, hearing those words from his mouth. To me, Ruby is still the bloodsucking Siphon who stole my father away from us at a time when we needed him most. It’s nearly impossible for me to imagine her otherwise.
The emotion in his voice is genuine, though. I gaze at my father’s face, seeing for the first time a person separate from me, who loved me and my mother and who made mistakes of his own.
This man and I may never be close again. But for Saela’s sake, I will do what I can for him. I breathe out, and some of my resentment leaves me.
He may have been a bad father. But he doesn’t deserve to suffer because of it.
I catch his eye. “I’ll make sure our forces keep her well guarded.”
When I get back to the direwolves, Saela pushes the Tear necklace into my hand and gives me a sparklingly hopeful look. I slip it on and have to ask, “Still no sire connection?”
She shakes her head. “The blocker Lucien gave me is working.” She fingers the delicate gold chain at her throat, as if to make sure it’s still there.
I’m relieved to hear that even if I can’t be here to protect Saela, at least Killian still can’t reach her.
Saela turns, opens her bag, and produces the book about the Sturmfrost Queens and our mother’s journals for me. And she whispers, “In case you need Mother with you.”
I take the books and almost start to cry, but the moment is interrupted by Lucien, who comes swanning down the stairs.
“I’ve arrived, you’re welcome!”
Looking up, I scowl when I see what he’s wearing.
It’s a high-necked tunic of dark material—black but with hints of colors when it catches the light, like raven’s feathers—and glittery stitching, the shoulders curving upward like blades. The overall look makes his height and lean build even more striking.
It’s probably the least combat-ready piece of clothing I could imagine. The only thing it’s missing are billowy sleeves to get even more in the way.
Elias is better prepared, though his tight leather armor is still made to stave off Astreonan heat. Which is to say it’s got gaps in vital places. Even then, he’s still wearing a deep blue shirt beneath it. With billowy sleeves.
Astreonans really do like to wear things that flutter in the wind.
“What is he wearing?” Saela whispers to me.
I smirk. “He looks like he’s ready to dance with our enemies, not fight them.”
Saela giggles, but Anassa says, “Do not underestimate his capabilities.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I grumble. “Do you at least have warmer clothes packed in your bags?” I ask them both. “If we’re going to be north near Nocturna, you’ll need plenty of layers.”
“Yes, Mother, don’t worry; we won’t catch a cold,” Lucien says, eyeing me sharply. He approaches us with long strides. He clearly expects to ride with me, then.
Anassa snaps at him, emitting a rumbling growl and a loud bark. Lucien recoils slightly and frowns at her.
“Anassa refuses to seat you,” I say, trying not to sound amused. “It’s nonnegotiable.”
Lucien’s frown deepens. “Fine.”
His blue eyes scan the courtyard. Just as he turns, Venna rides in to join us, moving smoothly with Skaia. Lucien’s lips curl up at the corners, and he glides the tip of his finger over them lightly.
“I’ll ride with her.”
My fingers dig into Anassa’s fur as he approaches Venna. She looks down at him and raises a brow. He stares at her like he wants her throat under his fangs, and it makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
Venna doesn’t bat an eye, though. She lets him mount, sighing as if she’s agreed to some mildly unpleasant chore.
Elias looks to Stark, reads his responding scowl accurately, and moves to ride with Noemi. “I promise I won’t stab you,” she tells him sweetly.
Saela and I share one last bone-crushing hug, and then I mount Anassa. As we turn to ride out of the castle grounds, I look back at my sister, growing smaller and smaller in the distance.
All my instincts yell at me to turn around, grab onto her, and not let her out of my sight.
“Her pack will take care of her,” Anassa says, and the words sink in like daggers.
“But we are her pack,” I protest, heart aching.
“We are,” agrees Anassa. “But she also has a pack here. And where we are headed, we cannot keep her safe.”