Chapter 23 #2
“You lied to me though,” I breathe, tearing my hand out of Gage’s.
I miss his warmth instantly. “We’re so new.
So fresh. So fragile. We have this… this thing.
This beautiful thing, but it’s like a string.
Like a filament of a web. The one thing I never wanted you to do was lie to me.
How can I trust you now? You know that it’s not easy for me.
“I wasn’t trying to lie to you, Ami. I just didn’t… I didn’t think you… I wanted to have time to explain it to you. Just like this. Just like now.”
“Or you could have told me what I wanted to hear so that you could get in my pants. Just like every other fucking man out there.”
Gage’s brow shoots up. His jaw ticks, betraying the fact that I just pissed him the hell off and his mask is slipping. Just a little.
“It wasn’t like that, and you know it. I did nothing when you lied.
When you humiliated me. When you turned me into someone who was just like my father, even if I hadn’t done it.
The worst part of it all was that for a minute, I really thought I had done it.
That I was just like him. I was pissed when you came back asking me to sign those papers when we never even gave it a shot, but I would have.
I would have and I was willing, but it didn’t happen like that.
You told me. You told me everything and I let you in.
You’ve seen all of me. All the things no one else has seen.
I wasn’t there to protect you from him when it happened.
From it happening at all. I would give my fucking soul to go back if I could, but I can’t.
So I did the only thing I could do. So you tell me, Ami, how likely is it that I just wanted to get in your fucking pants? ”
“You lied…” My nose is burning and no matter how hard I blink or how fast I swallow, I can’t hold back the tide. I need to be strong to do this. It’s the only way.
“Ami, look at me.”
Gage’s voice cuts through the heady tide of sorrow like a knife. I shake myself and lift my head up past the weight of years and years of pain pressing down on me like a yoke across my neck.
No. I force myself to take a shuddering breath and raise my head.
I won’t go there again. I won’t become this.
Not again. Not ever. I won’t let myself be that victim again.
I won’t let him take anything more from me.
I spent years hiding. Years running. I won’t let him break me.
I won’t let anyone ruin me again. I’ll never hand over that power and let fear and self-loathing rule my life.
I won’t go back to the darkness and the clouds, just as I learned what standing in the warmth of the sun feels like again.
For too long other people have directed my life, made choices for me either by their words or actions. Now it’s time for me to do what I want to do.
Even though I’m exhausted, I keep my head lifted. I punish my lungs with huge gulps of air. I swipe at the tears with the back of my hand and blink hard, struggling to see past my grainy eyes. Eventually Gage’s face swims into view.
He doesn’t have his mask in place anymore.
The hard edges have melted away and all I see is the raw mix of tenderness and compassion shining in his eyes. He looks at me like I’m not just someone, but his someone. Like I don’t just mean something. Like I mean everything.
No one has ever looked at me that way.
“Tracker shouldn’t have told you,” Gage says, his face and voice still soft.
“It should have been me. I was gonna tell you. I swear to you. I was gonna sit you down and explain everything. Talk it out, like this. Give you my reasons and take whatever anger you rightfully dished out, because I know I was going against what you wanted. I was hoping that this would bring you some peace. Some closure. Just… something. I had to do it. I had to, Ami. Even if you were never gonna be mine.”
“I- I know,” I hiccup, shuddery breaths still trapped in my chest like they’ve been caged in and they’re rattling around in there.
“It wasn’t Tracker’s fault. I had his number from Leena.
I told him he owed it to me to tell me the truth.
I guilted him into telling me. I’m sorry.
It wasn’t right. I just… I got up and I had this feeling.
It wasn’t a good one and I had to know the truth, and I didn’t think you’d tell me.
I was… I don’t know. It was making me crazy.
I don’t know what’s going on. I feel like I’m a mess.
I feel everything, after years of trying to force myself to feel nothing and I don’t know how to deal with it. ”
“I don’t think anyone does. Ever. Feeling shit, that’s the scary part. No one does well with being vulnerable and opening themselves up to getting hurt.”
I offer a watery version of a smile. “Here I thought you weren’t a poet.”
“I’m not.” Gage’s face gets serious again, and when he takes my hand between his, I let him, even though it makes me feel dangerous and out of control.
Vulnerable. Like he said. “I’m no poet. I’m no good at this either.
I might be a lot of things you don’t need and probably won’t ever be enough of what you do, but I promise you, I was never trying to hurt you.
Ever. I wasn’t trying to lie to you. I never wanted to use you.
God, I wanted the exact fucking opposite.
I wanted to give you your life back. I wanted to show you that we’re survivors and even if you don’t choose to be with me, I wanted you to know that there is life after.
A good life. I’m happy, as a part of my club.
They gave me the family that I never had.
Once upon a time, my Prez even tried to give me a wife… ”
He gives my hand a gentle squeeze, then his big, calloused, oil-stained fingers thread through mine.
I look down at our joined hands. Contrasting, yet also like two puzzle pieces fitting together perfectly.
Gage continues, “Steel matched us perfectly. But if you want, I’ll sign those papers.
I’ll sign them and you’ll be free. You can go live your life wherever you choose.
You just graduated. You’re a goddamn accountant, which I can’t even wrap my head around.
You have the power to support yourself. You can be who you want, where you want, on your terms. I’ll set you free, if that’s what you need.
I want you to be mine, but only if being with me lets you soar.
I want you to choose me, not be forced. I want to get to know you.
To take the time you need. To date you proper, so that we’re not two strangers.
You asked for slow, before you left. I heard you.
I’ll give you whatever you truly need. You just have to tell me what that is. ”
Gage’s eyes burn into mine, searing me, freezing me in place on the couch.
He’s on his knees in front of me, so open and so vulnerable, so everything, not at all like a conqueror, but every bit the warrior he is, because he knows where strength actually comes from.
He’s giving me the choice. I’m not his captive.
I’m not his burden. If I don’t want to be, I don’t have to be his anything.
A few days ago, I would have leapt at the chance to leave him behind. To add him to another list of things I never wanted to think about again and bury him in the past in that dark place inside myself that I kept locked away for so long.
Now… now he’s shown me the sun, and I don’t want to go back to the darkness.
He risked his freedom to win mine.
Even if he was just freeing me from my own demons.
I finally tear my eyes away and force them back down to the stack of pages that rests just below our joined hands.
I’m a mess. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.
I’m a mess in every way, in every sense of the word, and it’s only going to get worse.
We’ve both been trapped in this situation of someone else’s making for too long.
I’ve spent so many years hiding. He shouldn’t have gone behind my back and did what he did.
But for the first time since I was sixteen, I realize something.
I’m free.
But maybe I’m not the only one who needs to be set free so they can start fresh?
Slowly, like I’m walking on ice about to crack and plunge me into the frigid waters below, I pull my hand from Gage’s. I force myself to take those papers and hold them out. My hand trembles again, the papers rattling like there’s a gust of wind in the room.
I swallow hard and force what little strength I have left to be in my voice. My eyes. My face. My heart. My soul “You’ll do whatever I ask you?”
Gage rocks back on his heels like I’ve just dealt him a death blow. “Whatever you ask,” he confirms, his voice like steel right before it’s about to melt, about to change form forever.
I extend my arm slowly, until the pages rest in his hand.
“Then I want you to sign these.”