28. Chapter Two
Chapter Two
M addie
Sometimes depression sneaks in on little cat feet and surprises you. This time it’s coming in with a bang, like New Year’s Eve. You know it’s coming; it doesn’t creep up on you at all. It announces its presence for an entire year before it hits with an explosion.
Although it’s been ramping for months, I don’t recall my depression ever spiking this fast. I won’t be able to hide it from Stryker for more than a day or two at the most. And frankly, I don’t want to. I think my hot and cold treatment has gone on long enough. Who am I fooling? Hot and cold? How about lukewarm and frigid? The only time I allow him inside my boundaries is during sex. He should hate me. He’s just too nice.
Tonight. I’m going to tell him tonight. If we were back on Earth, yeah, as if they have huge red Halckon warriors on Earth. Well, if we were back on Earth, I’d be able to break up with him and go on about my business, never fearing we’d see each other again. Not in a city the size of LA where I was a sous chef at Spago.
No, I’d send him on his way and sink into the depths of depression without worrying he would watch my descent into hell or be affected by it. But Stryker and I are on this ship with less than thirty other souls. I’ll keep working as long as I possibly can, which may not be very long because my depression is hurtling at me on the fast track. When it hits, he’ll see me come apart at the seams. He cares about me too much not to notice.
See, Maddie , I deride myself, you waited too long. You’re going to drag him down with you.
I had just returned from a medical leave of absence when aliens so thoughtfully abducted me into outer space intending to sell me into sexual slavery. Before that I had been so deep in depression I couldn’t work, but my mood was finally responding to a new medication.
After we fought for our freedom, Dr. Drayke’s concoction helped for a while, but my depression is propelling its way back with a vengeance.
I comm Stryker with a text and ask him to come to my room after dinner. He’ll be blindsided, although he shouldn’t be. Haven’t I been telegraphing this since the day we met?
Stryker
I’ve learned a lot since our insurrection. Dahlia has taught me to read. I enjoy it, although I’m still slow at it. Having been forced into slavery at a young age, I never had the opportunity to learn. It always made me feel inferior to others. Knowing how to read has helped me feel better about myself.
Dax has been teaching me leatherwork. Just a few hoaras ago, I finished a pair of fur-lined moccasins I made for Maddie. I’m bringing them to her now.
She never asks me to come to her cabin until closer to bedtime. Maybe her heart is finally softening toward me and she wants to spend more time together. I’ve always yearned to just ‘hang out’ as the females call it. All the other couples lie in bed and watch vids together. I wish Maddie and I could do that. It would feel normal, like we were a real couple.
I knock and Maddie lets me in.
I’ve become attuned to her moods. All I need is one look at her expression, and one deep whiff of the air to know she’s been crying. I’m a dracker , that’s for sure. No decent male would respond with excitement when the female they love has been crying, but I do. Perhaps she’ll let me console her—it’s all I want to do. I could hold her in my arms and make her feel better. It would comfort us both.
“Thanks for coming,” she says as she motions me to the little table and two chairs that are tucked into the corner.
Her voice rings with sadness.
“Whatever it is, Maddie, I’ll help you. Did someone hurt your feelings? Are you missing Earth? Just tell me and I’ll help you work it out.”
She makes that face where her mouth pulls back. It’s her very-not-happy face. I’ll help her through it.
She sits across the table from me, folds her fingers together on the table, then sighs. She steeples her fingers, then sighs again. Finally, she glances at me. Her beautiful brown eyes are shining and filled with sadness.
My stomach drops when I realize this isn’t about someone hurting her feelings. Nor is it about needing comfort from me. This is about us.
I’ve feared this since we fought for our freedom and she chose to live in separate cabins rather than share one.
“Stryker, this isn’t working.”
I bite back a dozen questions, forcing my lips to stay pressed together. I just wait for what’s coming next. I hold her gaze.
She seems surprised. Perhaps she was waiting for my questions so she could answer them one by one rather than explaining all at once.
“You had to know this was coming, right? I mean, it’s not as if . . .” She heaves a sigh through pursed lips. “It’s not as if we’re like other couples.”
She glances at me like she assumes I understand. Maybe she’s expecting me to just walk out of her room. I won’t be doing that without a better explanation.
“We don’t love each other. I mean, we gave it a shot, right? Let’s end it now and maybe you can find another female on one of the planets we touch down on. If we stop seeing each other it would . . . cleanse your palate for someone new.”
Is she telling me she doesn’t want to see me anymore so I can find another female? That isn’t why people break up. Perhaps this is a deception because she’s interested in another male. There are fourteen unmated males on the Devil’s Playground , our sister ship. We rendezvous with them frequently. I wonder which male has caught her eye. Justus? Erro?
“You want someone else?” I ask, one eyebrow cocked in question.
Her eyes shutter closed for a moment as if she’s frustrated with my question. I hate when she does this. It tells me she’s at the end of her tether.
“No, Stryker. There’s no one else. I’m not meant for a relationship. I’ve told you this a dozen times. I never misrepresented myself. Did I? I was clear from the start that you should find someone else. I was just too selfish, too needy. I kept you around when it wasn’t fair to you. We need a clean break.”
“A clean break, Maddie? How do we do that when I see you in the dining room three times a day?”
“If I wasn’t the cook, I’d eat in my room. Since I’m the chef, although it’s not fair, I think you should do that for a while. Until you’re over me.”
Over her? How does that happen? Does she possess sorcery? Magic?
I’m a big male. A gladiator. I grew up in a barracks with other big, loud, gladiators who said what they thought. When Maddie’s in a good mood she jokes that I have no filter.
I’m trying to use a filter now, though. I want to protest and tell her she’s wrong, and that I won’t get over her, nor do I want to. But that will never work. It won’t persuade her. On the contrary, it will just make her angrier.
I realize the shoes are still sitting on my lap, so I reach down and set them on the table.
“I made these for you. The other day you complained the floor was cold when you walked to the refresher at night.”
I don’t expect gratitude. Certainly not at this moment. But I didn’t expect her to start crying before she even saw them. Her gaze flashes to me as if I pierced her with my gladius , as if I just ran her through with my sword.
Even though I didn’t think my gift would make her change her mind and ask me to stay, I’m shocked when she whispers, “You need to leave now.”
To punctuate her words, she stands so fast the chair tumbles to the floor behind her as she hurries to the refresher.
After closing the door, she yells, “I’m not coming out until I hear the door close, Stryker. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. Please leave.”
I wait for a few minimas , but she meant what she said; she’s not coming out, so I leave.
“It’s not your fault, it’s mine?” I whisper to myself as I pace the hallway to my cabin. I cross the threshold to my room and slam my back against the door as soon as it closes. The cool metal against my flesh doesn’t help me focus. My thoughts swirl so fast I can’t hold on to any of them.
That’s not true. Certain words pop out at me like ‘not good enough’ and ‘unlovable’. I can’t stay in my room like this. It will make me crazy. I need to stay on the move.
I stride to the ludus . Happy to see no one there, I pile as much weight as I can handle onto the bar and bench press until my arms shake. Then I run for an hoara , maybe more. It does nothing to clear my head.
Can we talk? I comm my best friend, Dax. Perhaps that will help.
Ten minimas later, we’re alone in the ludus . He’s sitting on a weight bench across from me, his eyes downcast as if he doesn’t want to disturb my privacy by looking at me.
After I explain my situation he asks, “So, this surprised you?” It’s not so much a question as an expression of his own surprise. As if everyone on board saw this coming but me.
“I thought we were growing closer. I guess I was just wishing,” I admit.
“I know you love her. It’s obvious. Wait, maybe I should ask before we go further. Do you?”
I nod. I don’t need to elaborate. He has to know how much I care for her. He and I spend a lot of time together.
“What was her explanation? How did she describe why she’s ending things?”
I think for a moment, wanting the quotes to be exact. “This isn’t working. It’s not your fault, it’s mine.”
“That’s it?” His head tips back and his brows lower. This shocked him more than the breakup.
I nod.
“You can’t let her do this,” he says. “You can’t allow it.”
“We’re not slaves anymore, Dax. I don’t allow her to do anything. She’s a free female.”
“I’ve watched you two for the last annum . If she didn’t have some feelings for you, you wouldn’t still be sharing a bed, even if it’s not every night. You can’t just walk away.”
“What do you suggest?”
“Lock yourself in her cabin together.”
Dax is a big male. If there’s one male on board who has less of a filter than me, it’s him. But I have to admit, he just shocked me.
“You aren’t serious.”
“Very serious my friend. I propose you find a way to cross her threshold one more time and lock yourselves together in her room. I’m not suggesting you harm her or physically force anything on her. You understand?”
I nod, still not believing he could sincerely suggest such a thing.
“You can’t hurt her, but you can’t let her out either. Give it one week. One week where she can’t run from you and whatever problems you two have. She’ll be forced to talk it through. Maybe at the end, you’ll both agree you need to break it off. At least you’ll have gotten the whole story out of her.”
“We’d get hungry,” I protest, then realize it should be the last thing I think about. I should be protesting the lunacy of the plan, not the specifics of getting fed.
“Lock her in. Put the bed in front of the door so she can’t escape. We have laser cuffs in the weapons closet. Use them ifyou need to, but don’t put them on too tight. I’ll bring food, but mostly I’ll stand outside your door and not let anyone interfere.”
I hadn’t even thought of that. “Captain Zar will never allow such a thing.”
“You’d be surprised.”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t get mad, Stryker, but all the males have talked about it. We don’t understand what goes on between you two. We all see that there’s affection, but no one knows what the problem is. Zar might just agree if you allow his mate Anya to check on your female once a day.”
My eyes inspect the floor. All the males have talked about my relationship with Maddie as if it’s a problem to be solved? Well, I guess it is.
We don’t have to go to the bridge to find Zar, he and Shadow enter the ludus to spar. I jump from my seat looking guilty, which immediately catches their attention. Within a minima, the four of us are talking.
Dax was right, instead of rejecting my proposal on the spot, Zar pulls up a bench and is nodding his shaggy head.
“I’ve worried about you two. My beloved mate Anya and I have wondered what we could do to intervene. It’s obvious you love Maddie. Does she not care for you at all?”
“I can’t tell.”
We talk for the better part of an hoara before Anya gets invited to give a female’s perspective. After a few more minimas , almost everyone on the ship is sitting on mats on the floor conferring about this very private matter.
If Maddie found out we were discussing her like this she’d be hurt, furious, and embarrassed, but the amount of love and caring in this room warms my heart. We’re like a big family. We show our concern sometimes by intruding into people’s lives if we think it’s for the best.
The agreement is unanimous for me to hold her against her will for a week. Perhaps right now I’m the only one who isn’t fully in agreement.
“She’s going to hate us all,” I protest. “She’ll feel . . .”
“Paranoid? Like we’re all picking on her?” Petra asks. It’s hard not to stare at her long hair, she’s colored it in pink and blue stripes.
“But we’re not,” Zar says. “We’re setting up a situation so you can both find the happiness you deserve. We’re agreeing to give you two the space to talk. To help her see your true feelings for her. This will give her enough time outside of that dracking kitchen where she’s cooking morning, midday, and night,” Zar says.
“You need to spend time with her, Stryker,” Grace says, her voice soft and respectful like it always is. “We’re just allowing you to show her, really show her, how much you care. You need the opportunity to break through her resistance. We all think you two belong together.”
Before we leave the ludus , they’ve made a signup sheet for cooking the next seven days’ meals.
“It’s about time someone cooks besides Maddie,” Zar says, his feline face serious. “We’re adults. We’ll figure this out. That should be the least of your worries.”
They’ve agreed who will deliver and pick up the trays of food from her room. We even created a secret code. If I put the glasses upside down on the tray it means I need one of the females to come in and talk to Maddie, help her think things through.
I feel thankful to have so many friends on board who only want the best for both Maddie and me. This is my last chance with her. My chest is tight with worry that she’ll be so angry she’ll never forgive me. I guess it’s the end of the line one way or the other. As of a few hoaras ago I had no chance with her. If this doesn’t work, the outcome couldn’t be worse than it already is.
I stop by my cabin, pull on a pair of black pants; the females call them cargo pants. I don’t want to pressure her for sex. It’s the last thing we should do. I grab some of the sweatpants and t-shirts I was issued an annum ago. I never wear them, preferring a loincloth. I’ll need to get used to them now. I want as many layers as possible between us if I plan to keep my hands off her for a week.
My lips form a thin line as I stand outside Maddie’s door. I just breathe for a moment. Is this really what I want to do? Force a female into spending time with me?
I deserve an explanation, though. I think she owes me that. I won’t harm her. That’s not who I am.
“She’s going to be furious,” I whisper to myself before I palm the door plate. “ Dracking furious.”