38. Chapter Four
Chapter Four
L yra
I step into the shower without asking permission, not even caring that Vartan might not approve. I stand under the pounding water for a moment, then tip my forehead against the cool metal wall and cry.
Dear Gods, that hurt so badly. Why would a female want to do that? No wonder Master and Mistress didn’t share a bedroom. That was torture! Torture for me, but Vartan liked it.
He risks his life to earn credits—he paid for me with his sweat and blood. Now I’ve returned the favor. I congratulate myself for never letting on how much pain he caused. He’s a good male. He wouldn’t have been able to take his pleasure if he’d know I was clenching my teeth to hold back screams of pain.
I pace my breathing and shove the discomfort away, then pump soap from the dispenser and begin washing the aftermath away. I vow to the gods I’ll never let Vartan know how much I hated that. I wanted him to enjoy it, and he did.
Fear sizzles up my spine when I realize he might ask for this in the future. I got through this once, but how can I endure it again? Especially when I know the agony it will cause.
“Lyra?” Vartan bursts into the refresher, clutching the sheet in his hand as if it’s an exhibit in a law enforcement vid. “Lyra, there’s blood on this sheet.”
He slides the clear shower door open and sticks his head inside. Had I thought he’d never been mad at me before? Right now, he looks angry as the blazing fires of hell.
“I hurt you!” Is he furious, or is his face tormented?
I know he only wants the truth from me, but I’m sure he doesn’t want this truth. I step backward under the water to rinse my hair, hoping it will buy me time to think. What can I tell him?
“Lyra, I’m in agony here. Come out and tell me what I did. Let me examine you.”
“No!” Dear Gods, did I just refuse my Master something? I drop to my knees and crawl to him so I can kiss his feet, even though I’m still covered in soap.
”Lyra, free females don’t kneel. They don’t kiss anyone’s feet. I should be kissing yours. You’re worth so much more than this.”
He releases the sheet, then lifts me in his arms and steps into the shower. With me clutched to his chest, he stands under the water and allows it to rinse me clean. Stepping over the sheet on the floor, he carries me to the cabinet over the toilet to grab a soft towel and wipes me dry.
All the while his face is like a thundercloud. His brows are knit, the corners of his mouth down-turned.
He’s going to spank me, maybe punish me in a harsher fashion. Who knows what people of his race do to punish their slaves? And I deserve it. I lied to him even though I know he only wants the truth. And now? What do I tell him now?
He puts the towel on the toilet seat, then sets me on it as if I’m made of glass. When his huge hands surround my knees and pull them apart, I slap my hands over my cheeks and eyes to hide my embarrassment. He’s dropped to his knees on the damp floor and is so close to my private parts I can feel his warm breath.
“I’m a dracker ,” he says through gritted teeth. I never heard this tone from him before. He spoke with such vehemence. “I tore you.”
He rises and leaves. I’m too afraid and ashamed to move, so I’m sitting in the same position when he returns.
“I want you to put on these clothes. Take all the time you need. Take all night if you want. I can only imagine you never want to see my face again. When you emerge from this refresher, I’ll have it all worked out.”
All worked out? What does that mean?
I pull on the underwear, soft pants, and shirt he handed me. Before I open the door, I examine myself in the mirror over the sink. I’m still the same Lyra who left her home only a few days ago. Long brown hair, deep blue eyes, high cheekbones, and pink lips. Now I even have a tribe—humans—although I don’t know how to find them.
I may look the same, but I’m completely different. I’m not old Master’s pet anymore. I belong to Vartan . . . yet I don’t. I have no home, nowhere to go. And now he’s so angry I think he’s going to send me away.
I’ve never felt this terrified in my life. Not only are my hands shaking, but my whole body is trembling. Where will I go? What will I do?
He’s talking to someone. Is someone in the room? Has he called law enforcement? Mistress used to threaten me with that when I didn’t come fast enough when she called me.
I wait until it’s quiet out there again, then I wait longer, all the while my chest is tight with worry. I’ve pressed my fingers into my palms to control my panic, but I think my nails have drawn blood.
Vartan is expecting me. He said he’d wait all night, but he deserves better than that. He’s only been kind.
I open the door and step out, trying to hold my head high, but unable to look him in the eyes. I keep my gaze on the floor.
“I don’t blame you for not being able to look at me, Lyra. I had no idea you were untouched. I should have known. I just assumed your previous master . . . I mean, you’re so beautiful. I should have asked.” He keeps talking, his words coming out fast and soft. He’s talking more to himself than to me.
“I hurt you, made you bleed. That’s unacceptable.” He’s fully dressed, standing at the far end of the room. He’s even pulled on his knee-high black boots.
Is he leaving? I pant as panic tightens every muscle in my body.
“Sit. Please.” He indicates the chair near my hip.
After I slide into it, he says, “Buying you was a mistake. It was impulsive and misguided. It was selfish more than anything. I see that now.
“You deserve better. So much better. I did one thing right, though. I bought you and saved you from slavery. Perhaps when I die and arrive in the afterworld, I’ll escape the severe decree of my maker.”
I can scarcely contain my terror. I’m barely able to follow his words. What is he going to do to me?
“I called my ship, the Devil’s Playground . They’re five days away. Our sister ship, the Fool’s Errand can get here sooner. It has many human females on it. My gladiatorial match is in three days. The Fool’s Errand will pick you up that morning.
“The plan is perfect, really. The human females will take care of you. They’ll be kind and teach you everything you’ll need to know. And you’ll be safe from me. I’ll catch a ride on my ship after you leave. You’ll never have to see me again. The only problem is the next two days, but I have that figured out too.”
He’s talking so fast I can barely follow. I’ll be picked up in three days? Separated from Vartan? Never see him again? Fear swirls in my belly, and something else. Sadness. I’ll miss him.
“I’ll leave you alone tonight and tomorrow. I’ll check in on you at pre-arranged times. I just have to secure a room for the night before the match. Because of the gladiatorial games, I’m told rooms in the area are scarce. I’ll need my sleep that night. It could be a deadly mistake to go into the arena when you’re not at your best.”
“Vartan, I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry? For what? Being sweet and kind and untouched? Not knowing how to tell a rutting beast like me to get off you? I took something precious from you, Lyra. For that, I’m sorry. I want you to go to the Fool’s Errand , meet friends, have the life you deserve, and move on. I’m the one who has to bear the burden of my deeds for the rest of my life.”
“But . . .”
“You’ll be fine. I’ll order food to be sent to you. I beg of you, please don’t leave this room. Watch vids here. It’s not safe for you out there. I’m living proof of how depraved males can be.”
With that, he leaves. He didn’t slam the door, in fact, he shut it quietly, but the room had been so full of life when he was here. Now it’s silent.
I’m the stupid one who wanted to give him a gift, who lied. How many times did he ask if I wanted to do what we did? How many times could I have said no?
Over the past two days, I grew to like the male. Look what I’ve done.
I clutch the pendant between my breasts. Through all of this, it’s still there. He bought it for me and gave it to me so freely. All I wanted was to give him a gift in return. I’ve ruined everything.
I crawl into bed and lie there for a long time, until the pale light of the morning sun sneaks in around the shades. At first, I thought he’d return, but he meant what he said. I miss him already.
E very time there’s a knock at the door my body gets excited, thinking it’s Vartan. My eyes sparkle, a little grin graces my face, I stand and walk toward the door, hoping I can run into Vartan’s arms. Then a person on the other side of the door says, “Food for you,” and all my excitement drains out of me.
I dutifully open the door this time and take the tray. The trays are always laden with more food than I could eat in a week. Vartan is still taking care of me, although it’s from afar. He wants to make sure I like at least one dish the staff brings.
Before he left, he said he’d check on me. I thought that meant he would call the comm in the room. But we haven’t spoken. I have a feeling he’s asking the staff if I’m okay. How would they know? All they can tell him is if I’m alive or dead and if I’m eating the food he provides.
Vartan’s match is tomorrow. Master and Mistress said they didn’t believe in gladiatorial matches. Master said it was beneath good people like him and Mistress. They didn’t allow it on their vid player, so I’ve never seen a match.
A female server who brought me lunch showed me how to work the vid player. She set it up for me to watch the games tomorrow, although she warned me it wasn’t free, I’d have to pay extra. Since he’s paying for everything, I suppose that’s one more thing I should thank Vartan for.
I put the food on the table, but I haven’t eaten much since he left—I’m not hungry. All I can do is think about how badly I’ve messed up everything. I feel like my body betrayed me. If I hadn’t bled, none of this would have happened.
I’ve cried a lot since Vartan walked out that door. The only thing that comforts me is when I think about the moment he found release. He was so happy. The noises he made spoke to just how much pleasure he found with me. If he were here right now, I would give him the gift again. I like not being a pet. It felt good to freely give something and not just have things taken from me.
When I hear the metallic click of the door mechanism, I startle, my body going completely still. The servers always knock, and there’s no need for them to be here now, they just served my dinner.
There’s a soft rap as Vartan calls through the door, “Lyra. May I enter?”
The warm sound of his voice washes over me, and I hurry to the door. As soon as he crosses the threshold, I run into his arms. I’ve pictured this moment dozens of times since he walked out two days ago. I imagined he would pick me up and swing me into his arms as he dotted my face with kisses and told me how much he’d missed me.
That’s not how it happens though. When I run at him, he retreats until his back hits the closed door with a thud. He puts his hands up, palms toward me, trying to keep me at bay.
“Lyra, what are you doing? Stop.”
I step away from him and freeze with my eyes focused on the floor. I want to tear my eyes away from the spot on the carpet and inspect his face. I’d found him so terrifying the day we met, but now I want so badly to look at him.
“My friend and fellow gladiator, Maximus, is here to support me at my match. He’s in the room next door. He told me he has company, so I couldn’t stay with him and there aren’t any rooms available within two hoaras’ drive. I slept on a bench in the underground the last two nights, but tonight I need sleep.
“Tomorrow’s fight is a Cestus fight. That means I fight without weapons, and not to the death. Now that I’m free and no one is forcing me to fight, I enjoy it. It’s what I’ve trained my whole life to do. I have no desire to die, though. That’s why I fight Cestus .
“Things can still go wrong. I have to be at my peak. I need a safe place to sleep and there isn’t a vacant room in all Dranaga. I’ll sleep on the floor.”
When I look at him, his face softens, and he says sincerely, “I won’t touch you, Lyra. Don’t worry.”
A picture of our first night together flashes in my mind. The peaceful feeling I had when I snuggled next to his hard body had been the best night of my life. After how I’ve ruined everything, I don’t deserve another.
“You don’t scare me, Vartan. You’d never hurt me. I know that.”
He scoffs and shrugs a shoulder.
“I haven’t slept much since I’ve been gone. Vagrants wander in the underground at night looking for easy prey. I’m big and scary, but even a gladiator is a target when he’s sleeping. I’ll take a shower and get out of your way.”
After showering, he returns to the room in a clean loincloth, his man-part bound tightly.
“Lyra? I promised I won’t hurt you. Won’t touch you. Feel free to go to bed.”
“You need your rest. I’ll sleep on the floor,” I say, then grab an extra blanket from the closet and make a pallet on the floor at the far side of the bed.
He feels guilty for what he did, but he shouldn’t. I’m the one who botched everything.
He argues the whole time I tidy my little sleeping area, but halts after he takes a few steps toward me. He doesn’t want to touch me, barely wants to be in the same room with me.
“You don’t have to sleep on the floor, but I don’t have the heart to argue with you any longer. I’ll gladly switch places with you,” he offers, his voice kind.
After he gets into bed, I debate with myself for a long time. First, while he tosses and turns, then long after his breathing becomes deep and rhythmic. I may have fought my impulse, but I’ve known since the start what I’m going to do.
I rise from my blanket and pad to the bed.
It’s a large bed. Wide. I’d promised myself I’d stay on my side, that I just wanted to sleep near him, that I wouldn’t touch him. But I knew that was a lie, too. Within scant moments, I’ve scooted closer.
His body is warm. Heat radiates off him. My fingers itch to trace the muscles of his back, to follow the whorls and lines of the markings there. Although I’ve fought myself every step of the way, I’ve known my next move was inevitable since he crossed the threshold. I snuggle closer and mold my front to his back.
A feeling of peace washes over me, and the tiniest smile lifts my lips. It’s an odd position, my slight form hugging his large one, but it feels right. Like we belong together. I don’t want to wake him, just steal this peace. For just this moment, all my worries fade away and I feel protected.
I’d thought I was safe and happy with old Master and Mistress, but now I realize I never was. But I am now. I burrow closer to him and drift into a serene sleep.
I rouse with a start, then realize why. Vartan must have awakened and noticed I was plastered to his back. He’s trying to free himself from my grasp.
“Vartan, please don’t leave. You need your sleep. I just wanted . . .” What did I want? “I just wanted to feel your skin, your warmth before the ship takes me away and I never see you again.” I sound desperate, pathetic. I’m tired of being like that.
“That’s not wise,” his voice is tight.
I want to ask why, but when he turns toward me and his bound erection grazes my belly, I understand. I know better than to offer myself to him again. That’s what got us into this predicament.
“Please, Vartan. I’ll be good.” I stuff my pillow in front of his man-part and flip on my other side. That way he won’t be tempted. Then I scoot back and pull his hand to rest across my belly. This is safe, right?
“This will be the last time we sleep together. I won’t do anything bad,” I try to reassure him.
I feel him behind me, still as a statue, his weight on his elbow, but his arm is still around my waist where I dragged it. Then he lies down, jacks his hips back, and whispers, “Okay.”
A wonderful feeling of peace blankets me and I ease into sleep.