107. Chapter Ten
Chapter Ten
A nya
I’ve never seen this emotion on Zar’s face before. Betrayal. And shock. His mouth opens and his eyes narrow as his hand goes to his chest. If I’d shot him with a bullet, he wouldn’t be more surprised and hurt than this.
“Was this…? Was this a manipulation? Were you… playing with me?” He slowly shakes his head. “Anya?”
Did I? Did I do this on purpose? I’ve been on a mission since he returned from his meeting with the Council. I wanted to find Zar, to do something to trigger his re-emergence. I hadn’t planned this, but if I had, it would have been a brilliant move. To kiss his mouth, give him an orgasm, call his name. What could be more effective at calling Zar out from where he’s buried than that?
“You will stay away from me,” he says, his lips vibrating with some emotion so deep, so fundamental, I don’t think it has a name. “If you wanted to break me, to pay me back for taking your mate, you succeeded.
“You used your wiles, your body, to make me open up to you. I’m defenseless. I’ve never experienced emotions before. You must have thought it would be child’s play to devastate me. Well, you’ve succeeded.”
“Rynn, I—”
“No words! No more words. I won’t hear them. I’m vulnerable and new at this, but I’m not stupid. You’ll never be able to do this again. No one ,” those last words come out with so much vehemence he sounds feral, “will ever get past my defenses again. I’m a quick study.”
He turns on his heel and strides to the door.
“Rynn,” I call.
He holds up his hand, bent at the elbow, a clear gesture to shut the fuck up. I don’t blame him. I’m riddled with so much shame and anguish for what I’ve done. I feel like I’m boiling from the inside out. I never meant to hurt him.
“Rynn, your pants.”
He looks down and only now realizes the beige cloth is stained dark with his fluids. His shoulders slump. I imagine he’s wondering what might come next, what new level of degradation could add more insult to this injury.
“I could… walk with you. Casually step in front of you if someone approaches.”
He stands still. I imagine he’d rather die than get that close to me again.
“Yes,” is all he says, his head bowed, voice softened by defeat.
I need to make this better. I don’t know how, but I must. I’ll admit, perhaps I did this on purpose. I wanted to have fun with him, to have his muscle memory take over in the ludus , to have him laugh with me in the kitchen. All of that was to call to Zar, who I hope is still alive deep inside him.
The kiss? That was just my impulsive self.
As I unravel this in my head, I realize I need to explain it to him. I have to find a way.
We walk side by side down the hallway to his room. About halfway there, Petra approaches us. I step in front of Rynn, face him, and engage in meaningless conversation until she hurries past. I knew she wouldn’t interrupt us. By the sheen of perspiration on her chest, she was just practicing her rope routine in the ludus . She’s probably in a hurry to join her mate, Shadow, in bed.
Rynn couldn’t look at me. He stayed focused on my right shoulder, his head tipped back to avoid getting close enough to breathe my air.
We arrive at his room and he slaps the palm plate harder than necessary. His jaw is tight, his thinned lips forming an angry frown.
I slide in behind him as he slips into his room. When he sees what I’ve done, his eyes round. I don’t know whether it’s in anger or surprise.
“Out.” He points to the door.
“Rynn, please. I want to explain.”
“Out.”
“You won’t listen?”
He cocks an eyebrow, then shakes his head. He watches, arms folded across his chest, as he waits for me to leave. I hate myself for thinking it, but I can’t help but notice how much he looks like Zar right now. His usual bland expression is a memory.
I take a step toward the door, not wanting to intrude. He’s making his needs known. I should give him space. I’ve been wallowing in my own misery, focused on my own wants and needs, but he’s been through a lot, too. His life has been turned upside down as much as mine has.
I stop, though, and turn toward him. At this moment, I decide there’s too much at stake to just give up.
“Rynn? Please. I want to explain. May I sit down? Can we talk?”
He closes his eyes in defeat, then nods.
I sit with my back to the wall at the little corner table.
“Join me?”
He shakes his head even as he moves to sit across from me.
“You’ve watched our memories,” I begin. “You’ve seen our meeting?”
He nods.
“How things progressed?”
He nods, his eyes on the table.
“How much we loved each other?”
“Yes. It surprised me how much two people could care for each other.” His gaze flicks to mine for the first time since we left the solarium.
“Can you blame me for not wanting to give that up?”
He opens his mouth to speak, then snaps it closed. I think he was about to tell me again that Zar is dead. I’m glad he doesn’t say the words.
“I cried for days. The whole trip to Boklorn. I’m still grieving, but it’s so… crazy-making to see my Zar so close, to yearn to touch him, to miss his smile and his gentle touch and the way his tail always wrapped around my ankle when we sat together.
“I’m not sure if it would be easier to have watched his dead body jettisoned out the waste chute. But he’s here. Not Zar. But his body.”
Rynn’s frame is so stiff, his muscles so tight. His gaze is everywhere but on me, as if the metal walls and bland furnishings are fascinating.
“When you returned from your meeting with the Council, I vowed to get him back, Rynn. I want it more than breath. More than life. I thought sparring would awaken something in you, or having fun in the kitchen, or one of the other things we’ve done together. It was like a planned military operation. I enlisted all my friends to help.”
A little feline huff of exasperation escapes from the back of his throat.
“I gave no thought to you, the sentient being Rynn. I was focused on Zar. Then it was so quiet and peaceful in the solarium. We’ve been having fun together, and I wanted a kiss so badly. So damn bad,” I whisper those last three words. “I want him so much I can taste it.”
Now I’m the one who’s having trouble maintaining eye contact. I need to open my heart and mind to the male across from me. The male who isn’t Zar.
“I’ve been laughing with you and having fun, and I wanted a kiss. I won’t lie. I wanted to kiss Zar, but I think I wanted to kiss you, too.”
There are tears in my eyes. I hate admitting it. I’m so confused. My feelings are whirling inside me. Honestly, I don’t know what I want or how I feel.
“Are you playing me now, Anya?” he asks.
“No!” I say vehemently. “No more lies or deception.”
“What do you want?”
Gone is his avoidance of me. He’s scrutinizing me now, as if he could discern the truth from a lie by observing me closely. Good. Maybe he can.
“I want you to look for Zar one more time, Rynn. I want you to go inside and see if you can find him. I believe you when you say all the Boklorns who have gone before have disappeared, that they’re only the sum of their memories inside you. But I want you to try to find Zar.
“Zar isn’t a Boklorn. He’s a strong personality. If anyone could live through the melding, it’s him. Can you try?”
“Of course I will, Anya. I’ve done it many times. I’ll do it again.”
I breathe in relief. “Thank you.”
“And then? If I’m not able to find him?”
I’ve not thought this far. I don’t want to think past this. It means Zar is truly gone. My face heats with the realization that this will mean he’s not coming back. Ever.
I pause for a long time, eyes closed as I imagine a future without Zar. My stomach feels heavy, as if it’s filled with concrete. My answer strikes me with the force of a lightning bolt.
“I… like you, Rynn. Is it selfish for me to want you to stay? To see if you and I might be able to weave together a future out of the broken pieces of our lives?”
“Not selfish. Maybe crazy.”
He pauses for a long time. It’s such a long time, my anxiety rises. Finally, he says, “Maybe I’m crazy and selfish, too. I might consider such a thing.”
Rynn
She’s beautiful. Even in her anguish, she’s the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen. What we’re considering is insane. She’ll never look at me and be able to see anything but Zar. Annums from now, if she can bring herself to say the words I long to hear, “I love you,” she’ll never be saying them to me, Rynn. She’ll be saying them to a dead male—a memory.
I tug the tuft of hair on my chin as I consider her proposition, although I already know the answer. If she wants to try to find feelings for me, I’d be willing to let her.
She’s looking at me expectantly. Not for me. Not for Rynn to consider being her love, but for me to dive inside myself and try to find her mate. This makes my heart feel like it’s being squeezed by a giant fist. It does not, however, change my mind.
“Let me search,” I say as I close my eyes.
I take a series of five deep breaths, going into a meditative state. It usually clears my mind and allows me to sink deeply into calm. What always worked before does not work now. I’m no longer in a Boklorn body, no longer beginning in an emotionless condition, no longer dispassionately seeking information.
I know exactly what I want. I want to come back to Anya with the news that Zar’s consciousness is absent. Dead. Irretrievably gone.
If she’s right? If he’s in there? I could lie, deny his existence, keep him shut up inside me until he died of the loss and grief of being so close to his beloved and unable to see or touch her.
I’m not that male. I could never do such a thing. I’m going to go on a deep dive. I’ll look in every nook and cranny for him. And if I find him, I’m going to tell Anya and then do everything within my power to facilitate his full return.
The sheer idea of this decimates me. But it’s what I’m going to do. I’m a worthy male, and having feelings for Anya isn’t going to fundamentally change who I am.
My lids fly open, my gaze seeking hers. I don’t miss her excitement. I don’t need to be able to read her mind to know she thinks I’ve popped out because I’ve found him.
This kills a small part of me. I have a feeling that’s what I’m signing on for if I stay with this female—a thousand little deaths when she looks at me and realizes I’m not Zar.
I’ll do it anyway.
“I’m going to try my hardest,” I vow to her. “If he’s in there, I’ll find him.”
“Thank you, Rynn,” she says, reaching for my hand, then snatching it back.
I close my eyes and delve inside. This is what I’ve done for millennia. I enter a meditative state and among the ethereal, formless filaments of my mind, I search for things.
I search the obvious places, the huge repositories of memories from the 56 who went before him. Nothing lives here. I riffle through Zar’s memories from front to back and front again. There’s not one clue that there’s anything here but the remains of his thoughts.
Then I move to the stores of information. I look closely at every piece of factual information that is associated with the male called Zar: the Ton’arr race, his planet, gladiatorial facts, and other minutiae of the games. Nothing.
Then I search down the back alleys and cul-de-sacs of my mind—any hidden corner where a consciousness might hide. I call for him with my mind. No answer.
I picture Anya, still sitting across the table from me, waiting in breathless anticipation for me to locate her lost lover. As much as I don’t want to find him, I redouble my efforts, call louder, look deeper. I want to give her what she’s asked for, even at my own expense. Still nothing.
Finally, I go to the very back of my mind, where I have laid to rest the essence of the males that have given up their lives so I can continue my work. I open door number 57, and the space is dark, lifeless.
I enter. It’s something I’ve never done with the other 56. It would have felt… intrusive. Even though I explore the space, I see no hint of Zar’s consciousness.
As much as I want Anya for myself, I’m filled with poignant sorrow. This is it. I can do no more. When I open my eyes, I’ll have to tell her for the final time that Zar isn’t here, that he’ll never return to her.
Finally, I return to real-time. I notice my bottom and thighs on the chair, the temperature of the air on my face, the blood thrumming in my veins. Then I open my eyes to gaze at Anya.
She’s crying. I wonder how she knows my search was fruitless, until I glance at the clock. I was searching for Zar for hoaras .
“Thank you for trying.” She gives me the smallest, saddest smile. “I know you gave it your best effort. Rynn, I thank you for that.”
This is a worthy female. She just thanked me for breaking her heart.
“While you were searching for Zar and the minutes were ticking by, I had time to think.”
She wants no part of me. My mind tells me this is a good decision on her part. Really, how could anything good come of trying to forge a relationship with a stranger who lives in your mate’s body?
I rise, but she grabs my hand and pulls me back into my seat.
“I’m selfish, but not stupid, Rynn. I fully believe Zar isn’t coming back. I’ll cry over this. Many times. But I want you to stay. I want us to try to… Shit. I don’t know, but I’m not ready for you to leave.”
I’m a thinker. It’s what I do, have always done. I’ve only been in this body a few weeks, but I’ve come to some startling conclusions. One is that I’m a sentient, living being. Sentient beings have emotions, even me.
Two is that I have feelings for Anya. I’m attracted to her. Not just my cock, but my mind. She’s brimming with love and life. I decided days ago that if I could ever be with a female, I would want to be with Anya. She may never be able to love me like she loved Zar, but I already feel her budding affection for me. If it grows, even a little, it will be more than enough.
“I’ll stay,” I tell her as I drink in everything about this moment: her beautiful face, eyes brimming with tears, and her earnest request for me to remain on the Fool’s Errand . “Emotionally, I’m like a babe. I’m having trouble controlling things. Between that and my cock, I’m floundering. I need for us to have ground rules,” I tell her.
“Yes,” she says eagerly, although I doubt she’s going to like all of mine.
“I will stay onboard for three lunars . I will dedicate myself to controlling my emotions, conquering my body, and getting to know you, Anya. I will take the biggest risk I’ve made in three millennia—I will allow myself to experience the emotions I’m developing for you. Do you understand my risk?”
“Yes.” She nods solemnly. “This could break your fragile heart.”
I nod in response. “I’m willing to do that for one reason and only one reason.”
I wait for her gaze to lock with mine.
“Someday I want you to look at me the way you looked at Zar. Not when you imagine he’s still inside me, but when you know full well you’re looking at Rynn. If, at the end of three lunars I’ve yet to see even a glimmer of that in your beautiful green eyes, Anya, will you agree that it’s best for us to part? If we can’t get to that feeling together, it will destroy us both.”
She fingers her cheeks and chin in the manner I’ve so recently adopted. Zar has affected us both.
“Yes, Rynn. That’s wise.” She squeezes the hand she hasn’t released in all the hoaras since she pulled me to sit across from her.
“Three lunars to get to know each other,” I say. “Not for me to watch old memories, but to make new ones.”
“Yes. That’s only fair.”
“And, Anya? Nothing sexual.”
I watch her face fall. I knew how good her sex with Zar had been. I didn’t have to watch more than a moment of their memories together to know that. But the expression on her face shows me just how hard it will be for her to adhere to this guideline.
“You understand, right?” I ask. “It would tangle everything, confuse us both. It must be the rule.”
Her pretty face, with its pointed chin, looks so forlorn.
“You’re right, Rynn. So let’s get this straight. Kissing?”
“No.”
“Hand holding?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. I can work with that.” She gives me a brave smile, as if this concession is costing her.
“Can you plan some fun things for us to do? I want to start making my own memories. With you.”